Don't be with the boy that makes you cry!

 Dear Journal -

It's been a few weeks I know! I've been so busy with work last week there were a few nights I worked until really late.  My friend D always makes fun of me and says things like.... Well if you didn't start working at 10 then you wouldn't have to work until 10! but the truth is that I typically start working at around 8 am and sometimes work until 10pm.  I might not sit at my desk the whole time, but on average I would say I work about 60 hours a week! gotta do what you gotta do, what else can I say about that? I don't mind for the most part honestly, because I get to make my own schedule and work at my leisure and I know what I need to do and do it.  I work with people and people are unpredictable so on a daily basis I don't know what I'll be walking into.  Sure I can have a "plan" but sometimes my plan doesn't go as planned, so I just have to always go with the flow and do as best as I can.

So, what do I have to report journal? well, for starters, I have been talking to my friend Lee a whole lot lately! today, he got to watch as I crawled up this slippery swampy dirt trail that I had to climb in order to get out of where I was because the trail I was on, ended by the water and the only way I could get to the water was if slid down this slippery dirt steep trail, it was a whole thing and he laughed saying that I was crazy! I freaking LOVE my friends! I genuinely don't know what I would do without the amazing people I have the privilege and pleasure of knowing! Lee and I have known each other for over 10 years probably way longer than that.  When I lived in NY since we worked together and most of that time I was single, I would always go to him with boy troubles.  Sometimes I would call his office and be like.... Yes I'm calling for a therapy appointment can you stop by my desk at your earliest convenience? and he would come by when he could and we would gossip! and laugh a whole lot! It was awesome! I definitely miss those days! 

He and I have been talking a lot lately because he is going through some stuff with someone he really cares about and I've been his shoulder and I am now the therapist which is great to be the one giving advice for once! He and I always have really great conversations and support each other through difficult times.  I was telling him today that I have been crying a whole lot lately and he asked me why? and I told him that I was very confused about a situation that I thought I could handle but really quickly realized that I couldn't and that I had been feeling really down lately.  I told him that there are days that I really miss my ex, because when I had him in my life and I was going through hard things, he would always hold me and let me cry on him and tell me it would be ok! He would always say, baby I got you! and just knowing that he had my back always made me feel better.  Lately, I have been going through a lot and it just felt really lonely and like no one has my back, so I have been feeling really down.  

My therapist asked me the other day if I knew what I wanted in a man and I told her I had never really sat down to think about it, but today while I was sitting by the water after sliding down the muddy steep trail literally on my butt, I took some time to reflect and think about what it is that I want in a man and I wrote a BUNCH of things down! I hope there is someone out there with all the requirements I put down on my list! that shit is LONG!!! ha! I think though that a major requirement is, that this person shouldn't make me cry more than he makes me laugh! and sure, I am a cry baby not gonna lie, however, if someone is constantly hurting your feelings making you feel shitty or causing you some sort of emotional turmoil, it's probably better to stay away as far away from that person as humanly possible!

I don't know journal, I just feel like I'm going through some major changes, I feel like I might be starting to (dare I say it) go through menopause YIKES! the last time I was tested for it, I was told that I wasn't yet, but that was 2 years ago, so I don't know, my emotions are like a roller coaster that has gone crazy and keeps looping! I do have to admit that most of my emotional turmoil has to do with me not knowing what it is that I truly want as far as romance is concerned, like one minute I am so happy to be single, the next I'm crying because no one has my back.  I decided today after my hike that I need to make an appointment to find out if I'm dying or starting menopause because I can't live like this, it's so miserable! I don't ever get hot flashes or any of that stuff though, if anything I'm always cold! like really cold! so I don't know what is happening to me and I just wish I had someone that would hold me and say "don't worry baby, I got your back!."

I got back on dating sites and set all types of parameters on my "requirements" so I highly doubt that Mr. night in shinning armor will fall on my lap any time soon, but you  never know! I always have this fantasy that I'm going to meet my next boyfriend on a trail, since I plan on doing a trail every single Sunday until it's warm enough to do another 14'er the thought of hiking 6 to 7 hours to reach the peak of a mountain gets me overly anxious but super excited! I just feel like one day I will get to the top of the mountain and there he will be! THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! maybe it's time I decide what "the man of my dreams" is to me so I can actually find him? It may be a bit hard to find something but not know what it is your a seeking! BUT fear not journal! I have at least created a LONG list! cause you have to start somewhere!!! 

I guess even with all these emotionally draining days that I have been going through as of late, I can honestly say that I am pretty happy all in all! I want a boyfriend, but I don't NEED one, so in the meantime I guess I just have to continue to enjoy dating, maybe actually go on dates, get some free meals, remind myself not to talk with my mouth full during the date and enjoy this spring and summer as much as I can!

Oh, one last thing journal, one of the trainers at my boxing club is HOT!! no like for real HOT! I decided never to take his class again because the few times he's come to me to like spot me (I think that is the term) I get so nervous and I feel really awkward! I don't typically crush over anyone, BUT...I looked up his bio on the website  for our gym and found out that not only is he HOT but he is also highly educated and probably super nerdy! OMG!!! smart, nerdy men make me go crazy! 

without anything else to report..... I will leave you with..

Pretty Brown Eyes - By Mint Condition 

Sexual escapade

 Dear Journal -

It's been a really weird week! First, we got back from Hawaii and I was so tired for like 2 days straight and felt so off that it was just plain weird! the difference in time is 4 hours so my body felt like it was early, but in reality it wasn't, I hate feeling jet lagged.  Besides that, I started officially working in an office after two years and that felt off as well.  I will only be working 2 days a week in an office, Wednesday's and Friday's, but still, I just don't really get what the point of it is.  The two days I was there I felt like I couldn't get anything done because all we kept doing was talking and sure, some of those conversations were work related, but on those two days I came home and worked late because I never did what I had to while I was there.  It was really cool to see my co-workers though! they bring me so much joy, I truly appreciate the people in my team.  The other thing is, I don't technically have like a "work schedule" so on those two days I can also come and go as I need and typically, I'm all over the place driving back and forth.  So it's not horrible, but it was just weird to have to get up and shower and get dressed for work as typically, unless I have to be out, I'm in a tee and sweat pants or something.

I am a social worker and unless you are in my field of work, there isn't really a way to explain what we go through.  I often think, if I don't do it, then who will? I love/hate it all at the same time.  I LOVE kids though and I love teens and so I just feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing.  There are days that feel really rewarding! I won't get too much into my work but the other morning, I woke up to a text from one of the moms that I work with (I work with teens) and obviously I have to be in communication with moms and dads.  The day before this txt, had been a really rough one for that family and of course, because they were going through it, it was MY FAULT! to a certain extent, she was a bit mean to me and just took out all her frustration on me, understanding that I can't take these things personal, I kind of just responded to her with things that needed to be said and disregarded everything else as I know that this woman goes through so much with her child.  Anyway, I wake up and the text read "If I haven't told you, I want you to know that you are greatly appreciated, thank you for all that you do."  This text made me very emotional, because that was one of the nicest things I have heard in a while! Sometimes I wonder, what is it that I do? because I get so lost in this work that I just do, it's non stop action and non stop stuff going on, but it's ok, I GOT THIS!

Journal, I want to tell you about something that happened maybe a month ago or so and I'm going to try to I don't know, tell this story with the least possible details I can because I don't know who ready this journal and I don't want someone that knows the person I'm going to be writing about, to figure it out.  Ok, about 6 years ago I worked at a company that was primarily men (I LOVED THAT JOB!) not only because my boss was awesome, but because I was single and there was eye candy every single day! funny thing about it though is, that I never dated or like did anything with any of them, as I was very well respected by all the men that worked there as well as well some were married had girlfriends whatever, still, it was fun! since I was single, obviously I would flirt a bit, I was always showered with compliments and let's just say it was a fun work environment in a respectful way.  Obviously, I had my 3 or 4 for a lack of better term "favorite eye candies" but again, nothing ever happened with anyone.

Fast forward to almost two years ago (when I moved back to CO from OR) I got on Snapchat and started adding people, one whom was one of the gentlemen I worked with, he is in his late 30,s and since I've known him he has always been married, so while I always thought he was HOT! I NEVER EVER allowed myself to even think "naughty thoughts" about him.  He and I would often have long conversations and laugh so much and just talk about random shit whenever we saw each other (I guess it's important to note that while there were a lot of men, they worked out in the field so I wouldn't see them everyday, it was random).  So he's like Jazz, is that you? and I'm like oh shit!!!! how are you? so we start chit chatting and one conversation leads to another and all of a sudden, we are revealing to each other that we always had a "thing" for each other! then he tells me that him and his wife have had an open relationship for many years, but he never approached me because he didn't think I would be interested and in my mind I'm like.... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! damn I'm good at hiding my lust! the only thing now is, that he no longer lives in CO, him and his family moved to the east coast and he got a new career.  I don't want to specify what it is, but he now wears a uniform and OH MY GOD!!!!  You don't even know journal! I honestly think he could be a model, and a few of my friends agreed, especially in his uniform! he works out so his body is CRAZY! and he is well, let's just say his wife is ONE LUCKY LADY!

Ok, so I need to back track a little because during the time he and I have been communicating, we talk about random things, he tells me stuff going on with him, I tell him stuff going on with me and sure, ever so often we will have conversations that are sexual in nature, but I for a really long time kept those to a minimum because I was kind of sort of let's use the term he used "kicking it" with this other man and I would feel bad to have like "naughty conversations" because it would feel as if I were cheating, which is so dam ridiculous because in reality, I didn't owe this man who I was "kicking it with" a damn thing! 

About a month ago, I knew that my friend from the east coast was going to go down to Miami for a long weekend and he was going with friends, when he gets there, he sends me a message and says.... Jazz, come to Miami and hang out with me this weekend, I will buy you the ticket! YO! you have NO IDEA journal, how hard it was for me, to have said no! Part of me was like, what if he and his wife aren't in an open relationship? but mainly, I kept thinking, I cannot go there and be with him and then come back and look at the person who I'm "kicking it with" without feeling tremendously guilty! I kept asking my friends like what should I do? and they are all like, are you fucking serious??? you are going to pass Miami on with a hot ass dude for someone who you are only "kicking it with?" wtf is wrong with you? My sexual non emotional carnal side of me kept saying...... get your ass on a plane NOW! my emotional, dumb, I care for this person and just would feel really bad about it side of me was like..... Is it worth it? the way I will feel when I get back and eventually  go hang out with this man I've hung out with at that point like almost a year and be comfortable with myself knowing that I spent a whole weekend sleeping with someone else? I couldn't do it and all I could think of was I can't believe I feel so loyal to this individual who isn't my boyfriend, what the fuck is wrong with meSo??  After deciding not to go to Miami on a sexual escapade with a hotty with a body for the weekend, I felt good, especially because when I hung out with this other person, I felt good that I could be near him and not feel like I had done anything behind his back and sure, I could have done it and then told him about  it and used the excuse of, well, we are not a couple and I can do whatever I want, but to be honest I felt at that point also that I was starting to develop feelings for this person and I didn't want to ruin what could potentially eventually be something meaningful, for a few nights in the beautiful city of Miami with a hottie with a body! UGH! I'm so dumb!!! The worst part is, that things didn't work out between me and this person I was loyal too, so now, all I can think of is........ I can't believe I gave up a Miami trip for you! I was depriving myself of having a great time with someone I've known for YEARS, who is really funny, so much fun and HOT AF! for not a fucking thing! and with that, I decided that I will never be loyal to someone who hasn't given me a place in their life ever ever ever again! and also, FUCK my loyalty and feelings! who the fuck needs them!

Sure, this man (the one that wanted me to meet him in Miami) and I, still communicate but we don't really have the opportunity of hanging out and this was sort of a unique opportunity to get to hang out with no limits of what we could have done! UGH! the more I think about it, the angrier at myself I get! When I told him no, I let him know that part of the reason was I didn't want to take a long flight across the country on such short notice and also, I didn't want to because I would feel guilty.  He knew all about the guy I was "kicking it with" and he was like, I bet that dude doesn't even know how lucky he is! Then the other day I was talking to him and told him that I was no longer seeing that guy and he was like... Jazzy, that guy is such a dumb ass! he has no idea what an amazing woman he let slip through his fingers! He then reminded me that this is exactly why I should enjoy my life and not be loyal to anyone until they give me a real place in their life.  He's a good friend and I have a lot of respect for him and who knows, maybe one day we will finally have our night together or maybe, he will always just be a fantasy in my mind.  Regardless, I definitely learned a valuable lesson of...... You aren't with someone until you ARE with someone! live your life and enjoy the opportunities you get.  

I feel like men can easily do stuff like that, like seeing one woman and going off and having an adventure with another like it ain't no thing! women typically don't, well not all women, but this woman right here, I am just not made that way and in a way I hate it so much sometimes because I get stuck on stupid! but also, my body is my temple and I don't want to share it with more than one person at a time, it's just not my thing!

I'll leave you with..... More - Zion and Ken-Y