One Crazy Night!

 Dear journal -

I simply must tell you the night I had because it was pretty wild! but first, can I just say that life has been pretty weird for me lately.  I don't know what is in the air but all these people from my past have been popping up out of nowhere and when I say people I mean men.  It's as if there was a notice sent out that I am single again.  I've been single now for 9 months that's almost a year, but it still feels so new to me.  I am still getting used to being myself again and being single and having all these freedoms that I didn't for the past 4 years.  I'm not saying that while I was with my ex I wasn't free, I mean technically I was, no one owns you, but I mean just me making decisions by myself about everything.  

Before I tell you about last night, I want to tell you about my internal dilemma! the story goes a little something like this.  Once upon a time, this woman right here lived a happy life in Brooklyn, NY.  I was single and loving life but I was also this crazy scary bitch as it turns out.  Looking back at myself back then and even reading through some of my past journal entries, I feel so sad that at some point in my life I was a cold hearted bitch who treated men pretty shitty, and I have to say that I never did it intentionally, I was only protecting myself, because I had been hurt so many times that I had learned to almost shield my heart to the point that I was like a robot maybe? the reason why I'm saying this is because I have been thinking about past, friends with benefits I guess, I've been thinking about it because I'm trying to figure out what my current needs are and or what I want.  It's been very confusing for me lately because part of me doesn't want to be with anyone serious, the other part realizes that friends with benefits is almost a myth sometimes! however, when I lived in NY I was really good at it and I found out just yesterday why! 

I messaged one of my ex fwb because after I moved to CO, one day I had gotten a friend request on FB from someone who played that role in my life, when I saw him I was like.... how the F! did he find me on FB, I don't even use my full name, anyway I didn't mind and we connected and through the years I watched as he met a girl, fell in love, got married and had a baby! crazy! I don't usually talk to him but I felt like saying hello because well, I was thinking about fwb so I say hello to him and he's like, holy shit I was just thinking about you and from there we went down memory lane and it's been getting a little crazy! and when I say crazy I mean we are talking about meeting up when I'm in NY next.  Ok, he's MARRIED! I have no idea what the hell I'm doing but journal, this man has gotten hotter with age! also, I knew him first! ALSO we had amazing sexual chemistry! I'm not saying that's why we are meeting, but I don't know I'm feeling so tempted and this makes me sad that I'm almost ready to do something I know for a fact I will feel guilty about because well, HE'S MARRIED! UGH! 

So, during one of our conversations he said to me, do you still not kiss anyone? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I was like, what do you mean? he was like, well when we used to hang out you never used to kiss me because you said it made things too personal! WHAT AM I A HOOKER??? OMG! after he told me that, I remembered that I had that as a rule, I LOVE kissing and I would always think, don't kiss your fwb because you might start to catch feeling for him and then it ruins everything.  I can't believe the lengths I went through back then because of that wall I had built around me that guard was up so high.  I literally cried after talking to him thinking about myself and that woman that I had become! I apologized to him and told him that I can't believe I did that and he said we would kiss a little but not really and that he thought I wasn't attracted to him so he didn't push the subject.  Wasn't attracted to him! OMG this man is HOT! did you read up top where I said I might see him when I'm back in NY because the temptation is sooooo GREAT! this is all so crazy and makes me so sad, I don't want to be that woman again but in my gutt, I feel her coming, I feel that Jazzy being reborn and It makes me scared, I don't want to be that person again!

This brings me to last night, I was crying to one of my best male friends last night telling him about the conversation I had with my ex "friend" and he told me he understood because he's been single for so long because he just can't commit because of the hurt someone caused him, but here is where shit got real crazy journal, then he turns to me and says, but I've been having those sorts of feelings for you all this time! and by all this time he means 7 years, the length of time I've been in Colorado.  I swear journal in that moment it felt like I was in some sort of movie or something where the best friend reveals his feelings and the other friend is like what just happened? as I'm writing this entry I still can't believe he told me what he did and then it all made sense to me, my ex couldn't stand him never tried being his friend and he couldn't stand my ex.  I used to think it was because I don't know they are men and felt competitive about each other like one is my friend one is my man and they just don't like each other, but now it is all so clear to me.  Maybe my ex could tell that my friend had some sort of something for me.  We don't like spend countless hours together we don't talk every day he's not like my best best friend but we have been really close and goodness I had NO CLUE that he saw me that way! after he told me that he kissed me and I just sat there in like panic mode and he didn't like put his tongue down my throat he literally tap kissed me and then did it again like 3 more times and I was just there stiff feeling overwhelmed and in disbelief! and then I was like.... I have to go! 

What is happening in my world journal! today is a sad day, because I feel like I lost one of my best friends ever! I don't feel the same about him, I love him so much but I cannot imagine us as a couple, I know him so well and he's awesome, he's so handsome and he's such a great guy, but I don't see him that way.  I know he has issues with commitment and well, him telling me that was almost like saying, I haven't wanted to commit to anyone but if we try I would be open to it with you! ugh, why is it that the ones you like don't like you but the ones you don't like want you? why is that a thing? Before that conversation we had made plans to have lunch today, but I just couldn't go through with it so I messaged him earlier and said we had to reschedule and he never responded, I feel horrible! Today is a sad day journal.

I think I'm going to stay away from people for a while, I feel so overwhelmed lately, I was sort of mean to someone that I actually like and just because he doesn't like me back that way, I was such a bitch! and then I felt bad and I wanted to keep saying that I'm sorry, but I just don't want to bother this person anymore, I've decided that if someone wants to talk to me then sure.  But for me actions just speak louder than words so I'm not paying attention to anything this person has to say because until now he's kind of mislead me or maybe we haven't been really clear or maybe I just let what I feel cloud my judgement, so instead of making up stories in my head as I can be pretty creative, I'm just going to assume that if someone isn't talking to me it's because they don't want me end of story!  

I do wish I could see him again and talk about stuff, texting is so weird and it's never the same like seeing someone and talking to them.  I feel like to him, he thinks I want to be with him and I don't know lock him down? I don't think he realizes that when I say I don't know what I want I mean that. I don't even know him enough to know what I want with him, I can't base wanting to be in a relationship with someone on sexual chemistry and the fact that I like him, I mean it's not like I'm in love with this person, I barely know him! what if we kept being friends and then that's all it ever ends up being, or we stop liking one another or I don't know, one of us meets someone else we like more, like the scenarios are endless.  But, he stated what he wanted and I'm so all over the place I just can't do it, I don't want to put myself out there and be the HS girl that likes the boy that only hangs out with him because being around him makes her feel so good because she likes him soooo much but then the minute he leaves he doesn't talk to her but she's so naive and young that she waits around for the next time she can get a piece of him! goodness! I learned those lessons years ago! if what you want isn't being reciprocated, run as fast as you can! I am a little more emotionally intelligent and Jazzy gotta take care of Jazzy! Maybe things are better this way, it's just a bummer because I felt a really great connection with him and that doesn't happen to me like EVER! so yea; letting it go!

Well, that's it for now! that was a LOT! I will leave you with this song that I've been listening to that makes me think of this person I was just talking about, it's this crush, this crush that I want to move on from!! UGH! hey as a side note journal, he doesn't know what he's loosing out on! Ha! Jazzy is freaking AWESOME! I'm even better as a friend, as a girlfriend, well, who knows what my exes say about me! YIKES!

Crush - Jennifer Paige

 

Maybe I was the problem?

Dear journal -

Ever since my break up, every month when I'm close to my menstrual cycle, I get so emotional about my ex that I often reach out to him.  I haven't done so in the last few months, but I did for a while.  A few weeks ago I went through some old emails that I sent my ex while we were together and today since I'm premenstrual, I wanted to read some again, I guess it beats reaching out to him right journal? Some of the emails made me laugh and think of him fondly.  Then I found some that made me angry and reminded me of why we weren't meant to be and then I also found some that made me cry really really hard, because it reminded me of everything that he did to keep me, to constantly show me that he loved me, to fight almost for my love, for me to stay, for me to be ok with the way I felt about him.  I guess I just can't understand still why he gave up? was he tired, did I not show him enough love? 

I got a strange text message today from a number where he lives, the text just said "hey there" so I responded and asked who it was and the person never got back to me.  Deep in my heart I wanted so bad for it to be him, for him to tell me he's sorry, for him to tell me he didn't mean it, for him to tell me he messed up.  The truth is that it may not be him, I met some people on one of the dating sites I'm on when I was visiting Oregon, and I gave my number to a few people, so I mean it could be anyone.  The point is that in my heart I wanted it to be him.  Just when I think I moved on, my period comes to my world and ruins everything I've been building! in one day my world is broken again for a few hours at the very least.  

I'm journaling today because I wanted to put that letter that I wrote him on here, I'm doing this even though it is deeply personal and I mean this whole journal is personal, but this letter is very very real and super vulnerable.  I want it on here because it reminds me that I CAN love! that being with him reminded me that it was ok to love because sometimes you get loved back in a way that maybe you've never experienced.  His love for me was very different than anyone else I've ever been with, I always like to say that he loved me in his own selfish way, but I think he loved me the way he knew how.  He was raised Christian I was raised Catholic, at one point when I was trying to get to a place where I felt secure in our relationship, I talked to him about trying to believe again, well for me at least, because while he didn't pray or go to church, he does believe in heaven and hell and everything else the Christian church teaches.  Reading this letter also reminded me that at least I tried my hardest and that maybe I wasn't the problem! Break ups always have a way to make you question yourself, others, your beliefs, ideas, just everything! I can't wait until the day that I no longer think about all these things that in the end don't even matter anymore!

Without further ado..... Here is the email I wrote to Chino (that's not his real name) on 5/3/19

This morning I woke up and felt as if all the love I have been trying to suppress for you came back into my heart and with that my fear came back.  I don’t know how to shake this scary feeling that I get about us, but my goal is to overcome my fear so that we can have a happy loving relationship.  I just want you to be ok about the ones that I love.  I also want to do the same thing with regards to your family and I think that the only way we can ever accomplish all of this is by bringing God into our lives together as a couple, and while the journey of spirituality is one that must be taken alone, I believe that supporting each other through the process will help us both grow closer together and become one with him.

I tried talking to Jesus yesterday and it felt really foreign, I felt like a hypocrite, how can I have denied him from being in my life now for over 10 years and expect him to be back in it just like that, I know that this process will take time, but I really want us both to be closer to him so we can be closer to each other. 

Although we have gone through so much I believe that our love has held us together, imagine how much happier we will be when we bring him into our hearts completely, I don’t know how to start, but I hope we can figure it out together, I have to believe he’s been in our lives because then how else will we have made it together this long? Jesus is love, and we might not have good communication or good skills to handle difficult situations, but one thing is for sure, we have true LOVE! I feel blessed to have you in my life because you have stuck by me through my crazy, I want you to know that when I loose my shit it’s because I’m so scare to loose you, I don’t know how to explain it but I feel like I shut down and want to run as fast as I can.  I want to be a better mother and girlfriend, thank you for your support.  I know you said I’m not supportive of you, I am I just don’t want you to burn out because you are working so hard, I want you to be happy and have the things you want and deserve, you are a good man, but sometimes you don’t know how to show it, or I have an expectation and I don’t get what I expect, I like that you said it’s good when we talk instead of me yelling and getting crazy, I will talk to my therapist about my blow ups and ask her to help me control them, but I will also try to become one with God again and see if that will help me as well.

I’m scared :( please don’t ever stop loving me.

Te amo!

He responded: Just don't push me away and I won't stop loving you.  

I leave you with - Janet Jackson.... Again. 

Hey you! stay out of my thoughts!

 Dear journal -

OH MY GOSH! Dear Odin! why can I not stop thinking about this individual? it's really annoying! I just want him out of my head! and no, I am not talking about my ex....YUK! any time that individual comes into my thoughts I catch those thoughts and I say to myself, "stop thinking about him!" that works every time, but then my thoughts go back to him! this man that I can't stop thinking about! I mean I guess I rather think of him than my ex, because well my ex is the past and this man is kind of sort of in my present but then again is he? 

The other night I had a heart to heart talk with my son, he told me that I seemed really distracted lately and too focused on men.  Ok, to my defense I'm not really focused on men because I have no men to be focused on, so at first I got annoyed at my sons comment.  I assured him that I wasn't focused on men and he said yes you are because you keep talking about all these and here is the key word he used journal.......loosers! He was like mom, what do you want? what are you looking for? what do you think you need? in that moment, I felt like he had just thrown a cold bucket of water on my head because I was speechless, I made that face of like wanting to say something so I sort of opened my mouth to say it but then I had nothing to say, not a word! If yo know me in person you know I am a talker, I can talk.  After a minute I said, son, I have NO IDEA! ugh! I hate when I feel this way, when I know nothing.  I don't know what I want, how I want it, where I want to live, where I want to work, where I should be going, I feel like I'm in limbo and like I'm so stuck and can't make up my mind.  This stresses me out because I always have a 5 year plan and for me not to have one is simply unacceptable! 

Since that conversation, I have been trying to think about what it is that I want.  Anytime I start thinking about what I want, he always pops back up into my thoughts! NO JOURNAL NOT MY EX! that guy! the guy I won't talk much about.  Something about him intrigues me, something about his energy when I've been around him or maybe it's something about his touch, or the way he smells.  He was at my place once and after he left and I took off my sweater, I could smell him all over it, I didn't want to wash it because it smelled like him.  I feel like I lie to myself every time I try to act like I don't really like him like that or why am I still thinking about this person or what's my problem? I don't know, I always feel like you shouldn't think of those who don't think about you and he clearly isn't thinking about me, if he thought about me, he would talk to me and we barely do.  My goal now is to keep it moving and to work on not thinking of those who don't think about me.  I deserve so much more, I'm an amazing woman and any man would be lucky to have me! I really do believe this with all of my heart! 

I just get so mad when other women have done shitty things to good men and then those men are all scared and here comes Jazzy really freaking amazing woman that knows how to treat her man, and all I end up with is men that don't appreciate me! how is that fair journal? why do all the shitty women get and mess up and abuse the good men and then the good women or the women that try to do right by their men, always end up with the users, abusers, players! I don't know I always love to write all these questions on here as if someone is going to answer them for me.

I need to focus on myself more and keep trying to figure out what I want and just keep enjoying my life.  I do have to say that lately I have been feeling sooooo much like myself! I LOVE IT! I feel like me and I feel as if my ex is finally gone, like he's really gone from my life and like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like he's no longer my problem.  I'm so glad he and I didn't have kids together, because the worse thing ever is dealing with your ex while trying to move on from them yet knowing that you HAVE to communicate with them because they will be in your life for the rest of your life! ugh! speaking of which, I haven't been talking to my ex husband in what seems like months, he just makes me so angry that I decided that I do not need to talk to that man about ANYTHING! there is not one time ever that I can remember, that he doesn't throw a jab at me when we talk.  We have this weird friendship type situation that sometimes we can be really cool and have a conversation and then the next minute we can't even talk to one another because we can't stand each other.  I try journal I really really do, but anytime that man can say something mean to me he does and I'm done tolerating his rude behavior toward me.

I'm rambling, it's late, I'm tired and sleepy! ta ta journal!

I will leave you with - Marvin Gay - Sexual Healing

Parks

 Dear Journal -

I recorded a voice journal but when I played it back it was too long so I decided that I would sit and write a completely different entry as I've been thinking about this one incident that happened to me the other day.  So I came back to Colorado because of so much drama to much to write about, but basically I pretty much had too! I'm happy/sad to be back, for a few different reasons, the main one being that I miss being in the coast.... OH BEACH! HOW I YEARN TO BE CLOSE TO YOU! any who, here I am back again and the BEST part of me being back is that I get to spend time with my little love bug aka my granddaughter! as a side note, the other day I called her love bug and she responded "i'm no bug" it was the most amazing adorable thing I've EVER heard! she's 2 years old and she had just learned about bugs! OMG I LOVE KIDS! they are like these little sponges of amazing energy and LOVE!

I always go on these tangents and get off topic and this is why I'm not a published writer, although while I was in college and I was writing way more, I told my writing professor that google had paid me because back then I was getting way more hits on my blog and my professor told me that I should consider myself a published writer as I was getting paid! HA! I wish! I guess had I stuck to my journal the way I had initially intended to when I first started it, I would probably have way more traffic and maybe google would still pay me, it was only a few dollars but still.  Regardless, I'm back and better than EVA! and I do want to try and write more.  So, what did Jazzy do to try and get some traffic going on her journal you ask? well, I did what any woman in my position would do! I put the link to my blog on a dating site and then I almost got kicked off of it! Hilarious! I am not really feeling the dating scene anymore, but I did meet someone that's cool and we talk and I've seen him once and it was so much fun! we will likely hang out again but thus far I don't feel that he is someone I will get anywhere with and since I am not like "into him" that way, it's easier and it's more comfortable because it's just a person I hang out with, and NO I have not been intimate with him, Jazzy is not rolling like that these days.  

Being single again is starting to feel more like me, sure there are those little hurtful moments that one has because you are out there "playing the game" but, I honestly rather deal with that, than the shit show relationship I stayed in for 4 years because I wanted to prove to myself, my family and friends that I "could be in a relationship" I literally went to therapy to try and stay in a relationship and work through my own shit so that I could be a good partner, lover, friend to the person I was with, and while sure that didn't end up well in the end, going to therapy is absolutely AMAZING! and I highly recommend it!

Parks... so, since I have been spending time with my granddaughter lately and I am just getting to know her, I did what any amazing grandma as I am would do to get her to love me! I started taking her to different parks! and I want to specifically write about this one day, that was freaking hilarious and I just have to share with you journal! so I typically don't wear make up I barely do my hair now that is growing it's always up in a bun and I love my sweats; a few weeks ago during one of my outings with my little love bug, I am looking like a bum, and from the corner of my eye I see this man with his kids, I think it was 3 of them.  Obviously, Jazzy is like........ did I just see a daddy? and I look and there he is, this hot dad talking on the phone completely oblivious that I'm standing there.  He's talking and as he is talking he is taking off his abdominal sweat band! at first I'm thinking, HOLY SHIT! did I just see that! and I'm smiling because I'm thinking, well that's good that he takes care of himself! Anyway, he's still far enough away from me that he hasn't noticed me and one of his kiddos, comes to play where I'm standing and he's staring at me the way little kids love to stare so I'm like......HI! and he says hi and we start having a conversation about how he is going to slide down the slide.  Finally, hotty daddy, realizes his son is gone so he starts walking toward where I'm standing and then.......DADDY NOTICES JAZZY! ok, I wish I had a camera for this priceless moment! his reaction was that of... OH! who's this? so he looks at me and says hi and now I'm feeling nervous and thinking, OMG, I look like crap GREAT! I say hello and tell him that his kiddo is by me and then I can tell he seems a little nervous and since I was nervous I grabbed my granddaughter and walked away as fast as I could!

Moral of the story, Jazzy forgot that the park is THE BEST PLACE TO MEET SINGLE DADDS! WOOT WOOT! thank you grandbaby! from now on, anytime I go to the park I'm definitely at the very least combing my hair properly.  No telling what adventures I can get myself into! this hasn't been the first time I've noticed daddy's checking me out at the park, so hey, all is fair in single life! I don't know if the man was married, I didn't notice a ring, but again, why not always look nice and pretty right journal? 

I've been feeling pretty happy lately, things are good all in all.  Life is way to short to be unhappy, it's also to short to let minor set backs in life bring you down.  I can't wait until the end of this month so I can go home! NYC watch out! Jazzy is coming to town!  I'm so excited because I haven't been back home during warm weather in ages, I LOVE NY in the early summer, it's sooooo fun! 

With nothing more to report I leave you with..........My latest celebrity crush because I watched his story on Netflix.  Bad boys were my thing back in da day, not so much anymore obviously.  I am pretty late jumping on the Niky Jam fan wagon, I known his music forever but when I saw the documentary, I developed a new respect for him as an artist.

Hasta el amanecer - Niky Jam

 

Build that wall Jazzy!

Dear journal -

Last night was so fun! I had a fun time and I definitely needed that.  I was really happy because typically when I go out I don't dress up, I usually don't care to impress anyone so I don't usually make an effort to get "pretty" but last night It was my friends bday so I wore some make up and this outfit that was fitting and I got SO MANY COMPLIMENTS! by both men and women.  I felt so good because I've been working SO HARD on my weight.  I have struggled with my weight ever since I hurt my Achilles tendon and wasn't able to run  anymore (insert sad face here) after that, it has always been so hard to work out the way I want to, but I finally found ways to exercise in a way that won't hurt my foot, so I've been really focusing on trying to fit into my old cloths.  I used to be a size 8 and now I'm a 10 and I want to just feel good in my own skin.  So last night I got compliments by a few women and that's why I was so happy! women are so critical of each other so when I get a compliment from a woman, that's big.  My friend told me she was so proud of me because I looked like I lost weight and that put me in a great mood and then I danced my ass off it was awesome!

I had decided to stop using dating sites, because I just feel a little or maybe a lot empty, I have no desire to really talk to anyone, but there are definitely times when I'm like well, talking isn't bad and there are some men that are nice and say nice things and then there are the fucking assholes! so today, this one guy sends me a message and says, "you will be my first wife" at first in my mind I'm like yea ok, but instead I responded that we could go to Vegas and get married.  Long story short, he's  50 seemed to have his shit together yada yada, so I'm like ok, sure let me talk to this man.  Well, 3 short paragraphs later he's telling me that he needs to kiss me or something to that affect..... UGH!!!!! I got SO ANGRY! I almost threw up in my mouth cause I just thought..... FUCK YOU! I have never even seen you in person and this is what you are telling me? in that moment I felt so just like, down, and then I thought about my ex and started to cry.  I cried because when I first met my ex I had absolutely NO INTENTION, what's so ever to love him, to be with him to do ANYTHING, he worked SO HARD, for my love for me to be with him, for me to eventually even want to marry him and here I am now, on dating sites talking to people I have zero interest in and I just felt so down that I took down all my pictures unmatched from a bunch of people and just deleted the app.  

The truth is, everything I've done until now, has been pretty forced (with the exception of the one guy I met that I actually liked and even wrote about) The post is called.... Then along came him.... But then with him, he pretty much just lead me on and it felt really shitty and I'm just so true to my feelings, that I'm pretty much done with people.  I just don't have it in me to talk to people and waste my time when in my heart I know I'm forcing myself to "get out there!" I think that part of me is competing with my ex because I think to myself, well he's moved on probably married by now, I can do it! but I'm not like him clearly.  I'm just so scared to build a wall so high that I might never recover.  After my ex husband and I broke up 13 years ago, I was single for so long, and I became like this bitch, I played with people and everyone was a joke to me and I didn't let anyone in and it wasn't until I met my current ex that I finally gave in to love, all for.... NOTHING!.

I keep telling myself that I need to keep giving myself time, but I'm so scared to become that bitch again, I don't want to build a wall, I don't want to have a panic attack every time I actually like someone which I already kind of had one.  The second to last time I was with the person I was last hanging out with, the one that I liked, after I left his house I was literally driving home and had a mini panic attack in my car.  I had to open the windows and take deep breaths because I felt like It was too much to soon and I was just so freaking scared, which in a way, everything that happened after that just re-iterated to me that I need to listen to my body and my instinct and that if it's too good to be true, it probably isn't true.  

I don't want to build a wall, I want to love again one day, I want to have a healthy relationship with someone awesome! I have so much love to give, and I feel that I can be difficult sometimes when I'm with someone, but I'm also giving and caring and I take care of my man, my ex told me right before I saw him with his "love" that no one had ever loved him or treated him the way that I had and what could he do to get me back? this literally 2 days before I saw him with his now maybe wife.  What a piece of work that guy! and yet, I still want to believe in love, I still feel that eventually it would be nice to have someone, but right now I just feel so vulnerable and all over the place that I just want to go to India and find myself! JK! I rather be in a tropical beach! 

I'm really excited for this summer though, I am going to NY, Tampa, Texas and then I'm going to Colombia for the fall, so I will definitely have some fun times, and I think for now, I'm good with just enjoying time with my friends, family, dancing, working out and just really trying to heal and find myself again.  I definitely am feeling a lot more like me though, I definitely am finding myself slowly.  And sure, I felt a connection with the one guy and hanging out with him reminded me that I CAN do this! but then that same experience also left me feeling crummy and confused and reminded me of how cruel the dating scene is and how people just don't know what they want or what they are doing and I'm not saying this man intentionally did anything to make me feel bad at least I hope he didn't, but at the same time he built me up to then just let me down and you think I got an explanation of his actions? of course not! why would he think he owed me anything right? like everyone is out here for themselves in the dating game and it's just vicious! people lie and deceive and just act fucked up.

Oh and I almost forgot, I also got accused of "ghosting" some guy that I literally spoke to like twice! I didn't even meet him in person so I was like.... wtf! he was like I'm not into games or being ghosted and I was like.... UM.......I don't even know you dude! I told him, well if you think me not responding to your message for a few days is "ghosting" then OK! I haven't even met you in person, how can you feel like I was "ghosting" you! and where the fuck did that term come from all of a sudden? I miss the days were there was no social media and people met in person for the first time.  

Jazzy, please don't build a wall! Maybe one day, you will find someone that will appreciate you for all that you are! journal, I'm really scared to become a bitch again, please don't let me!

I'll leave you with....... - Russian Roulette - Rihanna