Sunday, September 26, 2021

Want to suck my DI@K?

 Dear journal -

I'm sad to report that I don't have much to report and that is typically not like my life! But I legitimately have nothing exciting to tell you! I am really tired because my two female cousins came out for a visit from Miami, so I was running around with them, I had such a great time! they left last night and I did not get home until pretty late from dropping them off, so today I feel so exhausted like I can't do anything and I need to find the strength to do some sort of work out. 

I guess maybe I can tell you about a message that I received on Tinder last night actually, that typically would throw me into a rage, but that yesterday I initially got pissed but then I was like, why am I letting someone that is clearly lost and confused and stupid, make me angry? so I match with some rando and he sends me a message and the message read... "you want to suck my dick?" after feeling that little desire of punching him dead straight in his face and kicking him in his balls my response was... Of course I want to suck your dick! actually I'm on here exclusively to suck dicks for free and also, that is all I ever do is suck dicks, so absolutely no problem! obviously he got the tone of my message as me being sarcastic and he responded... sry.  I read his bio and he was like, I just went through a break up she hurt me pretty bad replaced me in 2 weeks would love a rebound blah blah and I was like.... Why do fuck do we humans do these things? some woman hurt him so now he's been disrespectful to me? anyway, I didn't have time for it so I unmatched from him.

When I got back on Tinder I made my profile so that I could actually meet people, but I think I'm ready to make it my marketing site again, I genuinely have zero interest in actually meeting anyone at the moment.  I talk to a few people here and there but literally that's all I do is chat, no meeting no any of that, I'm good I'm in my zone as I like to call it, just focused on myself my family etc. if I happen to meet someone that is cool and asks me out for a drink or whatever sure, but I could care fucking less if I meet someone or not! am I a little bitter about the opposite sex at the moment? yes, I have felt lead on 2x now and I don't appreciate it or what to play games with anyone.  I literally am always so honest with people about my intentions but people don't know how to do that with me so whatever.  My time is to precious to waste on those who don't see how amazing I am! I'm not even being conceded or whatever.  I'm a GREAT catch! for men of any age! I know how to respect my man, treat him good, give him love, be there for them as their support, I'm a great lover and a fighter if I need to defend my guy! so I'm not going to settle for less than what I deserve end of story!

Anywho, I will be on my way to Colombia to celebrate my bday this Friday, Oct. 1 I am looking forward to my trip! I'm getting some tattoos done and that is what I'm most excited about! I cannot wait! I also tried deactivating my FB page as I find myself to immersed on social media and truly believe that it's a huge waste of my time, but then I had to get back on because it's the only way I can manage my FB page I've tried figuring out how to add another account to manage my page but FB makes it almost impossible, so I had to get back on ha! ridiculous! I am trying to make reading a priority as I feel dumb as fuck lately! I need to constantly feel like I'm learning something! I have a few books I want to read so hopefully I will stay true to myself and stay off of FB as much as possible.  It's so damn addictive!

Journal, I shall write you some more upon my return from my trip.... ta ta!

I will leave you with... Instant Crush - Daft Punk








Saturday, September 18, 2021

Another one bites the dust!

 Dearest Journal -

I was thinking this past week, man I need to start either having an exciting life or start thinking about things to write about, because I have to say that I don't have very much at all to report! I guess the most exciting thing that's about to happen for me is that I will be leaving to Colombia, SA on vacation on Oct. 1 and I will arrive on Oct. 2 my birthday! I already wrote about how I feel about this big birthday, but I also feel very grateful that I am making it to this birthday.  I think that to a certain extent I can be a little ungrateful.  How many people my age are going through all sorts of things.  I can't allow myself to fall into some like boo hoo thing where I'm complaining.  I need to always stay positive and ask for nothing but positive things to happen and they will.  The law of attraction! you create your own reality with your thoughts, I 100 percent believe that to be true.

My last post I wrote about someone that I was getting to know and how all we did was text or actually Snapchat, well, that is now over and done with! lasted all of maybe a month? Here is the thing journal, partially I was forcing myself to like someone new because it feels like that is what I should be doing, but in reality, I'm good, I don't feel like I need to be in like this crazy serious type situation right now.  He and I were messaging each other almost all day everyday and that was fun and all, but if  you don't make time for me, then what are we? I am not completely seeking an emotional connection, I don't necessarily need to be completely committed to any one person.  I've been thinking about what it is that I want and I want something chill, I want someone that isn't going to be running around with a bunch of other people, that makes some time to see me and message me when we aren't together.  I don't need to talk to you all day every day and I don't need to spend every moment that you are free with you either, I don't need to be with this person 24/7 I don't even need to be out and spending time going to movies or dinners or hiking, biking any of that! I have SO MANY FRIENDS! I mean sure eventually one day it would be amazing to have all of that but I realize that those things take time, but for now those are my needs.  I would also LOVE to have someone that we have amazing sexual chemistry! BUT apparently my needs are WAY TOO MUCH for these men out here in Colorado! God forbid I want to receive a text or call from someone that I'm sleeping with to ask how my week is going! or God forbid I want the person I'm texting with nearly all day every day to be like hey Jaz what are you doing? come over let's hang out! NOPE, shit is REALLY hard out here in these streets! apparently that shit is HARD AS FUCK FOR DUDES! so, I'm just chilling!

I don't believe in ghosting people or being mean or any of that immature shit, my friend thinks I give men way too much of an explanation when I don't want to continue talking to them or whatever, she says I don't owe anyone anything.  She also thinks that it makes me out to be crazy.  Well, if someone is too immature or doesn't know how to deal with or take feedback from someone who actually knows what she wants and isn't playing games with them and isn't leading them on and is honest, genuine and real as fuck, then I don't care if I seem crazy! not my problem what people think of me.  My rule is treat others the way I want to be treated! and while that doesn't usually happen, I believe in karma and I am not about to treat anyone shitty! So, my snapchat buddy was on a trip and I waited until he got back from his trip to watch his actions.  I knew he was going to be free for a few days before he got his daughter back and so I was like, if he doesn't ask to see me, that's it I'm done! he never asked, hey you want to hang out? even though while he was away he was like I need some cuddles! Don't fucking tell me you want to cuddle if that isn't your intention! why is it that men like to talk talk talk and never back up their fucking words? Well, Jazzy did what Jazzy does or well not really, Jazzy usually let's people sort of have it and can be a bitch! instead, I unfriended him on my snapchat and the next evening I got a text message and he was like did I do something to upset you? and I simply said, no actually you haven't, but it's clear to me that you are not that into me and I don't want to continue to waste your or my time.  He said something like I'm trying really hard to get out of my comfort level or something to that affect and my response was, well, when a man likes a woman he finds time for her,

 It also works the other way around, when a woman likes a man, she will make time for him too! this isn't only about men, this is women too! I have watched in my lifetime sooooo many women lead men on, keep them around until they found someone they really liked! so it goes both ways! people think it's ok to string you along and I'm not about to waste months on anyone, especially because I don't like talking to a bunch of people at the same time, just not me.  I'm not a man and am not going to be a man because "that's how you have to play the game." Anyway, he admits to what I said sort of and then I was pretty fucking annoyed and wanted to be like..... So, how much fucking longer did you plan on stringing me along? but instead Jazzy said, I wish you the best and we are friends don't ever hesitate to say hello but I will need some space from talking to you for some time I hope you understand! He said he totally got that and said he thought I was really cool, which to that I responded yea I know! and that's the last I've spoken to him!

He did add me back on in snapchat so we are connected there still, but he has not been messaging me anymore, which I'm ok with.  To be honest I only missed him the first like two days and sure I miss chit chatting with him, which I knew I would, but I don't only want to "chit chat" with anyone, I talk to so many people all day long I'm good! I genuinely didn't feel a connection with him, as I said, I was forcing myself to want to like someone or feel close to someone, I didn't and so it's all good! I am actually not feeling down lately about being single or any of that, I had a pitty party one day and talked to my friend about it and he made me feel really good and then that was the end of that!

Winter is still coming though! but my cuddling is looking grimmer and grimmer by the minute! thank God I have a bunch of pillows and lots of warm blankets! What's meant to be will be and I don't need to do anything at all right now other than continue to be open to the possibilities and to the fact that I KNOW there is a wonderful man out there with all the wrong women that will find his way to me one day! and I will treat him like a king! and he will treat me like a queen! I KNOW how to treat someone and I KNOW how to make someone happier in their happy life, I'm not worried journal! all is pretty well in my world! I'm super grateful to the universe and God for all the wonderful people and things that I have in my life!

I will leave you with..... Another one bites the dust! hahaha this is so funny! 







Saturday, September 11, 2021

Textationship.....

 Dear Journal -

I wrote a whole post the other day and didn't post it because I noticed that on there I was going on this crazy rant that was so ridiculous, I was to embarrassed to put it out there! I haven't even re-read it because I think honestly that I was kind of sort of feeling tipsy and I was just to blunt, to well, myself! Life has been pretty good lately, the best part of my current life is that I don't wake up and the first thought is my ex! I told my friends last year that if by this year at this time I was still crying or not over my ex an intervention would have to take place and I would need to catch a beat down because I would not allow ANYONE to control my thoughts and my mental well being for more than a year! I literally set that up as a goal! And I realize that every journey is different and I'm not saying that you can't take longer to heal from a break up, but for me, I did not want to be in that bad place for too long, it was devastating! in 2 days it will be a year that we officially broke up and I remember it so vividly, I was in physical pain, I had to call in sick to work because I could not function and I cried all day long and it was just one of the hardest days I can remember, my ex broke me!

Now, I am not saying that I don't still think of him pretty often, I am not saying that I don't still love him, I love him with all my heart! I will likely always love him in a way and yes, I may have been drunk a few weeks ago and I may have sent him an email telling him that I missed him, that I hope he was well, that I had loved him with everything that I am and that I hope one day he will not hate me or feel whatever it is he feels towards me that keeps him from speaking to me.  As I anticipated, he never responded, but that made me happy because it told me that he is in a bit of a better place than he was a few month ago when he wished death upon me like 5x.  I know that people always say things like.... You need to not contact your ex, or you need to just let him go or, get over it already.  But the reality is that this was not just some dude I was with for a few months, this was the person I almost married and I could care the fuck less what anyone expects me to feel or where to be in my process, If I feel like messaging the person that wished death upon me because I don't hold grudges, then I will.  I never want to live with regrets and messaging him that night was something that my soul needed, because I felt still and maybe still feel, this heavy weight of like, we didn't close this chapter out in a peaceful manner, I haven't had the luxury of being like, thanks I'm so happy that we are now good! So, maybe I will never get that from him, but he knows me well enough to know, that I have to be the one that leaves things without carrying a grudge or feeling like I didn't say something nice in the end because that is who I really am! however, I do feel a whole lot better and I am ready to start a new chapter of my life.

So, I met someone maybe like a month ago I can't remember and I'm hoping that he hasn't found out about you journal, because he found me on Instagram and told me how I showed up as someone he may know, but he's never mentioned FB or anything like that.  I don't have a link to my blog on Instagram I don't think.  The reason why I would prefer he not know about you yet journal, is because I want him to know me and once I'm ready I will tell him about it.  

With out further a do, let me tell you about D journal.  I met him on tinder and on tinder his name was well, D! I never message people I match with because they never respond! like literally anyone I've ever matched with that I reach out to first don't respond, so a long time ago, I decided I would never reach out to anyone again, typically I just swipe on people I find attractive or whatever and then if they reach out to me I will take the time and read their bio.  He messaged me and when I read his bio, it was pretty short but it said dad bod and that made me laugh, we had a chill conversation, nothing crazy, I gave him my number we started texting and about a week in I was like, so, I like texting and all but I'm not looking for a texting buddy sorry! and you haven't mentioned meeting up with me so I'm going to let you know right now that if we don't meet in person soon I'm not going to talk to you anymore! 

Clearly he did what any smart man that has had the pleasure of talking to me would do, he was like ok yes of course, I'm sorry I'm sort of rusty on all of this, I should have said let's meet....blah blah blah! I then realized I was being a bit of a bitch, so I digressed and was like, I just want to meet because I have had very bad experiences in the past and I want to make sure you are real! 

We made plans and we met up, I wasn't happy about the fact that he lives about 40 min away which isn't terrible but still, UGH! When I first saw him I thought he was really handsome and super tall! he's like 6'3 long dirty blonde hair and beard and beautiful green eyes, and his body.... OH DAMN! he plays hockey so he told me that he is trying to stay fit so he's been biking and just really caring for himself which I really like about him also.  He has a daughter and she's his twin, she's 7 years old and his whole world! He's a great dad and I LOVE THAT! so I guess all this to say that I like him, he's cool!

As with everything in my stories, nothing can ever be just chill, nope, not in my life! God forbid I met the complete package! wtf! We hung out and had a great time and haven't seen each other since, which has been really weird and I think he had his daughter for the week after we met and then I traveled but there were a few days that I feel we could have seen each other, so I don't know what to do about this situation anymore because here is where I'm at with all of it.  We all have our emotional and our physical needs! and at first I was like ok, well, I'm not going to ask to see him again obviously because well, I'm not asking and so we start texting then he adds me on Snapchat and I don't usually use Snapchat too much, but I do talk to a few friends on there so I was like whatever like I'll just start talking to him on here and so every morning I started getting a message a picture a video whatever and at first I was like he's so weird, and I was like, what are you 15? and he was like.... You gotta keep up with the times! which he was absolutely right about! So I started going along with it, as time has passed I've sort of gotten into it and when you think about it well, Snapchat was intended to send pics and that's how you communicate.  He Never sends me like inappropriate pics or vice versa, it's always some random shit that makes me laugh! I now usually wake up and if I don't get something from him I start to miss him, but here is where shit gets tricky.  It is so easy to get emotionally attached to someone that you are constantly talking too and this has happened to me in the past so I'm really careful! This is exactly why I told him we needed to meet in person first, because I was not about to get cat fished.  I have been on these dating sites way before they were as big as they are now, so I know all the games all to well and second, because well I don't have time for just talking, I want to meet someone that I am actually going to spend time with and we don't need to talk all day every day, but there needs to be a balance of a little bit of both.  I can do, a little spending time a little talking.  But I can't do all talking no spending time or all spending time and well, you leave my home and you don't exist! 

I made a decision right before I met him that I was not going to be spending too much time on just one man, meaning that I know enough to know when a man has a real interest in me and if I'm not getting all of my needs met I'm out son! I am not going to invest time in people that are not investing time in me.  Currently he is traveling, but I told him already that I am hoping we will spend time together when he gets back, I mentioned it once, I'm not saying shit anymore.  When he gets back I'm going to sit back and pay attention to his actions, which I've written on here a million times that actions speak louder than words to me, if he gets back and we don't see each other within that first weekend of him getting back, PEACE OUT SON! I don't give a FUCK! how much I enjoy his messages and how much fun I'm having getting to know things about him through his pictures or his videos which I have to say he gets so damn creative I just love it! I will be in my car driving and laughing so hard at something he sends me! I'm THAT person, sitting in her car cracking up! SO! because I can also be very creative and inventive, I start to think about something I want to send too, so it's a lot of fun and if this ends up being nothing I can assure you that I will miss that for sure, but I WILL BE DAMNED! if I let anyone play with me that way.  

I don't know what's going to happen and I have to say I'm a little nervous either way, I'm nervous because the thought of this developing into more, literally makes me want to throw up! I'm SOOOO TERRIFIED, of getting to close to anyone! It is the scariest shit ever! however, I also know that I can't allow myself to build a wall and become the cold hearted bitch that I was my last major break up, when I was accused of using people, I can't and I've said this so many times that I don't want to be that woman ever again, but sometimes I am truly tempted because it's way less scary! 

I wanted to write about this because I have said that I am going to write my love story on here one day and while I have absolutely NO IDEA where this new adventure is going to take me, I also don't know if I'm writing my love story right now, I don't know if D will end up being my next true love.  He may be that or he may be my next disaster, either way, D has no idea that I'm writing about him and he will only know about it if he becomes someone special if not, he will never be the wiser.  I do have to say that as the days go by, the attention he gives me makes me like him more, so I have to be really really careful that I don't allow my emotions to cloud my better judgement, I need to always be aware of "are my needs being met" or "am I getting what I'm giving" or "am I settling." Right now it feels ok and I have only known him I think a month or so, but I refuse to waste months with one person, because well...... WINTER IS COMING! I want to cuddle! I have to admit, that the more I get to know him, the more I like want to see him again so I can hug and kiss him, this tells me that I'm definitely liking him a little more than I should, but hey, a girl needs and misses affection!

I will leave you with.... Bad Habits - Ed Sheeran 









Sunday, September 5, 2021

Shallow Jaz wants a guy!

Dear Journal -

I'm pretty much done with traveling! I'm soooo exhausted! I don't know how people can do that for work, like travel all the time.  I've met a few people in my lifetime that have had demanding jobs that they have to travel for and they told me horror stories! but mainly, they always said missing their family was the hardest part of their job.  

I have one more trip this year and then I'm staying put for a while, I don't really want to go anywhere other than Europe to visit my son, but that won't be happening until next year sometime.  I miss my boy so very very much! since he has been in the military, I have visited him anywhere he has been stationed, because I will travel across the world for my son! He's such a great young man, and this weekend when I witnessed my friend marrying the love of her life, I thought about my children and how much I want that for them, to find their best friend, soul mate, the one person that they would be ready to travel through ocean's for!

I traveled through oceans for my ex husband, literally for about 4 or maybe 5 years I would go visit him in Colombia, I loved that man so very much once upon a time, but when I think about our relationship, he definitely wasn't my best friend, our relationship was pretty forced, it's a long story, but the other day he stayed with my kids and I for a few weeks, and being in the same home with him for what seemed forever was really hard! I tried my hardest to stay away and in my room while he was with us and I could tell he was very uncomfortable also, but he has become more of a family member to me than anything else, it's just weird because I can't even remember what our relationship was like, it's funny how one moment you can be completely in love with someone and the next you are hiding in your room avoiding conversations with that same person! I mean sure we talked and gossiped and had a few laughs, but all in all, we were both pretty happy when he got his own place." 

Nothing crazy has been happening in my life lately journal, other than me thinking about what I want in terms of a man.  It's so funny because when I was with my most current ex and I was feeling really unhappy, I would often sit and think about this "ideal man" that I should be with and now that I am single and have the opportunity to maybe one day meet this "wonderful human" I keep lowering my standards and making excuses for things and just not even knowing what I want! it's kind of crazy! the only thing I feel that I really want is to feel that connection, that like feeling of "I feel like I've always known you" type situation, like when you meet someone and it's just this natural flow.  I should though be thinking about things a little deeper though.  I can't really come up with anything other than, I want to feel attracted to this person, I want to feel the "spark" that very very rarely happens to me! I don't really spark with anyone to be honest! ugh! it's so annoying! so does that mean I'm shallow? does it mean I'm all about looks? not really! like what's attractive to me isn't attractive to others.  I'm not some teenager who cares about what my friends are going to think about the person I sleep with.  But I do need to feel attracted to someone to even consider that.  Sometimes I will see a man and be like, OH WOW! he's hot! but that doesn't mean I'll sleep with him.  Thinking someone is attractive is very different than feeling attracted to that person!

I've been talking to someone I like, he's cool, but I think it's already over! ha! that lasted all of two weeks! I told him yesterday that I didn't want a texting buddy, because it felt like all we do is text, snap chat and that is not what I signed up for! like I don't need to see pics of your every move! this is a grown ass adult man with a kid! I swear this only happens to ME! we talk talk talk, but I've only seen him once and sure we had a nice time together, but I want someone that actually makes time to see me AND wants to also talk to me when we don't see each other! is that too much to fucking ask for? I'm not going to be someone's "text buddy" what am I 15? fuck all this bullshit dating shit, I'm done! this month I'm going to focus on trying not to eat beef! now there is something productive to do! It's so much work, getting to know people! I don't know that I have the energy or desire to do all of that! yet, I still have hope that one day I will get to write my love story right here on this journal! don't know when or how, but I know I will! 

I'm tired, I'm going to bed journal!

ps. my title was inspired by a movie I thought was hilarious! I love Jack Black and Gwyneth Paltro in this movie! maybe if we could only see the beauty in others, this world would be a better place!

Shallow Hall Wants a Gal!




What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...