Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Dear Journal - Hurricane memoir.....

Dear Journal:

I am not even sure at what point in time this journal became an emotional outlet for me or how or why I love you so damn much! I feel like whenever my emotions are running wild (which is always) I can sit on my bed with my Mac on my lap and just let it spill.  I write all the time, I have all these entries that I have written on my iphone, some I lost when my phone got wet because I had not backed them up, yet it really doesn't matter at the end of the day, because the stories are right where they should be, they are on my mind.

I looked today at his picture (Benjamin's - http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html) and I kept thinking...... OH WOW! will I ever even begin to understand the cognitive process of the depth of what I have felt for you! probably not, no matter how much I try to study it.  I started my first class for this semester today, it is Cognitive Psychology, GOD I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY SO FUCKING MUCH! because it is just AMAZING! the depth of our thoughts is so amazing, that I can't even begin to imagine how to ever truly uncover a wonderful mind, let alone one that is deep and crazy!

Last year around this time, there was a hurricane that was about to hit NYC, because I live alone with my children, I had asked my ex husband to please come stay with me because I didn't know what to expect and since I am single, I didn't really have anyone else to ask, nor did I feel that it was anyone else's duty but his to stay with myself and his children, to ensure their safety.  He gladly said he had no problem staying with us, but in my mind, I knew that for the next few days, the real hurricane would probably be inside the walls I call home.  

The first night he and I got to talking and one thing led to another and I don't need to write on here what happened next, because it is clear that as two adults who were married for many years and were currently single, it was way to easy not to roll around a bed and have "some fun" except, that the next day after the fact, I felt really lousy for reasons that only now or maybe not now, but right after the events of that night, I understand and comprehend.  When tied with our emotions, our thoughts are so deep and sometimes even crazy, that I feel that as human beings, we constantly struggle to control both, yet I don't think I can say that I have met the first person that is capable of actually really having them both in check!

But what is my job now that I have decided to learn the human mystery called mind? I guess my goal is to put my feelings aside and sort of just concentrate on what's real and evident and take that and run.  Yet I struggle because my emotions are so deep.  Last year the day after the whole rolling around the bed happened (we didn't literally roll around a bed, but you know what I mean, I hope) my emotions were running wild, not because I love him so much that I wanted to be with him, but because I disliked him so much I couldn't believe I went as far as to actually do it.  But what happened next was what really caught me off guard and left me a little in disbelief!

The next day we are sitting in the living room of my two bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, and he says to me, Jazz there are so many things that I have never told you because you act like a real bitch! so I look at him and I'm like, what the hell are you talking about? now, I have to defend myself here before I move forward with this entry and explain, that the ONLY time I act like a real bitch, is when I am not understood, not being heard, or am in a bad mood because well, I am not been heard or understood! But, I told him that I was in a good mood and to please proceed as I was very interested in knowing what it was he needed to say and what he said next just BLEW MY MIND!

Him, my husband (we are not divorced yet, but been separated now for nearly fiver years) he works for a high end fashion designer who specializes in hand bags, once that cost hundreds of dollars.  Everyday, when my husband would go to work, I was fully aware that he went into work to a building FULL of beautiful models.  Not only was he surrounded by beautiful models that would be at the office trying on cloths and like literally modeling things that were going to be used for runways shows, he also worked with beautiful young women that were intelligent and well, beautiful.  Back home, was little old me! Jazzy! the plain Jane that I almost am, with a belly and cellulite and stretch marks and god knows how many other imperfections.  Yet what he told me that day, BLEW MY MIND! 

He said Jazz, I would go to work everyday and the WHOLE DAY LONG, I WOULD THINK OF MY WIFE! I know that I would be around all these beautiful women all day long, but I would always think, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME TO MY WIFE! when he told me that and as I am writing this, my heart is almost broken.  For so long I thought he didn't even care about me and thought that in his eyes I was this ugly woman who he barely liked, yet all along all he was doing was hiding his emotions, allowing his ego to take control of him and not expressing to me his sincere thoughts.  Basically, our lack of good communication, did away with our marriage and the love I so deeply felt for him, because anyone that knows me personally, can attest, that if there is one man I loved in my life, he was definitely one of them.  There is nothing I don't think, that I did not do for him and maybe that is what the problem was.

I guess I needed to put this on my blog because I heard that there is a hurricane and this story came to my mind.  Also, last year right after the hurricane I wrote a post and mentioned that I absolutely HAD to share the events of that night/day.  After I wrote that and posted it, I later decided that it was too soon to write what had happened, because I didn't want to make my blog too recent with the events that were going on.  I think that a year after the fact is a good time to share.  After that day, I see my ex in a whole other way.  We are good friends and there is no romantic feelings between us, that was the last time he and I were ever intimate, but still, after that day, I developed a new sort of respect for him.  Additionally, I kept thinking how absolutely important, effective communication is in a marriage.

So, if you come across this blog post and you get absolutely nothing out of it, I sure do hope, that if you are a man holding back from telling the woman you love how you truly feel. PLEASE! I BEG YOU! TELL HER IMMEDIATELY! and if you are a woman thinking that your man probably doesn't love you, PLEASE I BEG YOU, ASK! a whole marriage was destroyed due to the lack of effective communication, it is KEY, TO ANY SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP!

Good night! oh and if you are interested, here is the post I wrote last year.  Night night! 

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Dear Journal: Life goes on....

Dear Journal: Tuesday August, 21st. 4:30pm.
This afternoon I was telling my co-worker that I had failed miserably with letting go of my bad habit of reading everything that Mr. Nunez (that's not his real name) has to say on the world wide web. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/28-days-to-overcome-addiction.html I had not told her about my failure sooner, because she always encourages me and backs me up on my decisions.  I felt like I was letting her down, by not being able to go through with the whole 28 days, and continue thereafter.  Finally however, I decided today to tell her but also explained to her, that all I could do after that little episode, is to lift myself back up and try again. I compared what happened, to what happens when your on a diet and then all of a sudden one day, you completely loose control and binge eat ice cream all day!.......Oh, you don't do that?? Hmm, well then maybe I should reword that last sentence to say, when I binge eat ice cream all day! YUMERS!
Those are probably my favorite days of the year and worst days as well.  When that happens, it usually goes hand in hand with some sort of anxiety I am experiencing, and so to calm my anxiety, I eat ice cream and probably cry or something. It happened at the beginning of my 28 days when I had a total episode and went crazy with the ice cream. Anyway, I told my co-worker who looked at me sympathetically without judgement, that I had a bad moment, that I gave up, but that I was going to compare that to the days when I would binge eat. That all I could do at this point is dust myself off and start over. Just because I ate ice cream all day for a whole day, doesn't mean I HAVE to do so every day. I am not a quitter and have always tried and will continue to do so. And so she said that she understood what I meant and that I should just keep trying. I continued that my goal is to one day, try to remember what it is that I forgot. Like.... Remember that guy? What was his name again? Yeah, that would be pretty cool!

In other Jazzy news, I cut my hair really short again and dyed it reddish, I didn't permanently dye it, only semi permanent which is awesome! In a few weeks, the dye will wash out and my hair will be dark all over again. I enjoy playing with different hair styles, I find it to be a lot of fun. I hate seeing the same hair everyday.

What else! Oh yeah.... The neighbor! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html so you remember how I said I was going to be mean to my neighbor and act casual the next time I saw him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-7-21-12.html well! that didn't go over too well! for starters, I had sort of forgotten about it a bit, ok yes I did look toward the stair case that he usually walks down from every single time I left or came into the building, and YES I watched to see if he was in the vicinity, but for the most part, I TOTALLY had forgotten about him! (Jazzy clears throat and feels guilty for what I just wrote) no for real! honest! Scouts Honor!

Ok so I'm walking out of my building with my two youngest kids and there he was! IN MY FACE! at first I was surprised because I seriously in that moment was talking to my kids so
he caught me off guard.  Anyway he greets me and my son who he had previously met on the train (and was really nice to and made friends with him) and then asked me who the little mini me was.
My daughter! GOD help us all!!! (she's 4) she started going on and on talking his ear out! (kinda reminds me of me!) and he absolutely loved every minute of it! me on the other hand I stood there almost paralyzed like a total idiot not knowing how to act! (why do I always get that way???) so I tell him that he should give me his number so that the next time I have a break from my kids and want to hang out, I can come visit him at his part time DJ gig that he has on the weekend. We exchange numbers and I ask if he remembers my name which he did and then my daughter starts saying that she wants us to leave why are we still standing there.
Clearly I wanted to crawl under something after her comment, but I try to act calm and collective and am about to say bye and he says "where you guys going?" so we tell him to get pizza and the next thing I know, we are all sitting at a pizzeria having pizza and getting music that's playing on the radio with my Shazam app. He's sitting there dancing, I'm talking to the guys behind the counter telling them that he is so funny and likes to dance on tables sometimes and everyone is laughing having a good time all the while in the back of my mind im like....What the fuck!

Ok so everything after that is a blur to me. All I know is that he talked to my daughter most of the time. They had all sorts of conversations and I just sort of stood around, not knowing how I felt about this whole scene. I remember thinking, what the fuck is going on! and Oh my God! I hope Jazzy Jr. doesn't curse! the whole time, I was at the edge of my seat, I'm not sure how I feel about someone I have a crush on, being around my children, they don't know much about my love life (not that I have one) but well, I am very protective of them and prefer it that way.

After pizza we walked home laughing the whole time and by the time I got home, I still couldn't believe what had happened. Had he been any other neighbor, it would of been whatever, but he isn't just ANY neighbor, he's THE neighbor!
After that day, him and I have been talking and I don't want to say too much about the fact that we talk, but I guess I now see him more as "just a neighbor" I think that we will become really cool friends and that will probably be it.  To think that all this time, all the anticipation and at the end of the day, well I made a new friend, which is something I always welcome in my life.  I do have to say that he is pretty awesome! when I saw him the very first time ever which was about a year and a half ago, I was attracted to him instantly, he is my type from head to toe, but getting to know him as a person, I realize that he is not only handsome in my eyes, he is also and extremely extraordinary person, who I would like to have in my life as a friend more so that anything else.  I think I am almost sad that I can't continue to feel the butterflies and all that other good stuff you feel when your crushing, because now it's on a whole other level, one which is strictly at this point platonic in nature.  There is not much more to report on this, however, if anything great happens worthy of reporting, I will make sure to do so.

Ok well I just reached my college campus. It is Tuesday 4:37 pm and I have a final on stupid robots in about an hour and a half.

Oh one more thing, I was never a Girl Scout (insert evil yellow smiley face here)

Over and out!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Jazzy FAILS... My addiction continues......

Dear Journal:

I am half asleep, so please bare with me if I am not clear and concise.  First and foremost I have been thinking about you ALOT lately! like seriously have! I have been wanting to write so bad or actually I wrote the other night on the train on my iphone notes pad, but never had the chance to put it on here because I don't know, I have been feeling a little weird/down, well, that is until last night.

Journal, I fear that I must confess to you that I was not able to go 28 days without going onto my love's blog, who's my love? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html.  Journal, I really really tried! I swear that I did! I cried myself to sleep on day like 14 or something, I told myself that; that would be the last time I would allow myself to cry thinking about him, but I did, I cried and thought... OMG! how much I love him! when? when? will all this love leave my heart, while I was crying I kept remembering the night that he gave me that last hug at the train station on 14 street union square in NYC and when we said goodbye, he looked at me and said, "I know you will be back to the School of Practical Philosophy."  And even though the hug wasn't an I love you so much hug, it was more of a I am afraid to hold you in my arms hug, I knew that I wasn't going to go back, I knew that I couldn't go back, because I was trying to stay away from him, doing whatever it took so that I could let him go and forget his existence.  Why love someone that doesn't love me?

I have tried EVERYTHING! I have tried loving other people, or making myself THINK that I am falling for other people, I have tried not to look at his Facebook, Twitter and Blog for 26 DAYS I DIDN'T LOOK! 26 thinking that all it was, was just a habit and that I could brake the habit if I didn't look for 28 days, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/28-days-to-overcome-addiction.html because that is how long it's supposed to take to break a habit.  I TRIED JOURNAL! with all of my might, but even him being out of my sight, didn't tear him out of my heart.  HOW WILL I EVER? on day 14 I closed my eyes and thought of him and I could see his beautiful face that I have loved all of these years, I did, it was a vivid image almost as if he was right there in front of me.  In reality, it has been 15 months since the last time I heard his lovely voice, or looked into his beautiful dark brown eyes or saw his lovely face.  HOW WILL I EVER? MY LOVE!

And as I write this, tears roll down my face.  They do, because I know who I LOVE, his name is Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) and I am sorry that I couldn't let him go in 28 days, I didn't even make it to the 28th day.  Yesterday on day 26 I was having a really really hard night.  My kids got me so angry and I was just really really really upset.  I began to cry on my bed wondering how in the world I could do it? how can I do it all still? this is so much, they don't appreciate me, why are they so ungrateful? and then all of a sudden, I just felt the need to look, just look at his page at his blog, all I wanted to know was that he was still in this world alive and well.  So I went on it and I looked and in that moment, life felt right! I felt better, instantly! it was like magic.  So I thought to myself, that I don't need to deprive myself from what I feel for him.  I don't care that I love him.  Me loving him doesn't stop me from living my life.  Me loving him doesn't stop me from doing the daily activities that I need to do in order to live.  Me loving him doesn't stop me from dating or trying to give other people a chance.  Me loving him is just normal to me now.  Loving him feels like it's part of who I am, it's part of me.  I began this journal because of him, I write again because of him, I listen to music again because of him, thinking of him makes me want to be better.  

So, I won't stop loving him until someone comes into my life and steals my heart away from him.   But there has been no one, no one at all that has been able to tear him out of my heart and therefore, I have to continue to live loving him and as long as I know that he is alive and well, even with someone else, then I am happy.  My love for him is not selfish, I don't care if one day I open up his blog and there he is getting married.  I KNOW that one day that might be the case, but that is ok, because me loving him doesn't hurt anyone.

I went on his blog last night and he had written a post about something that coincidentally is called my name, my real name.  Anyway, I had seen that post when he first wrote it because I look on his blog almost every day, I am his number one fan, he inspires me still, and I love to see his writing, it fills me with joy to read his stuff, even if half the time I don't understand it because it's about some technological stuff that makes no sense at all to me, still, I read it sometimes, maybe not as I once did, maybe not thoroughly, but I browse it.  Anyway, I went on the blog post and I made a comment, which he deleted this morning.  My comment was silly, it said something like... wow, after all these years of me being the faithful follower, FINALLY my name is all over this blog.  I did it to annoy him and that it did, because he deleted the comment.  But also, the fact that he takes the time out to bother to delete it, shows that he enjoys my attention.  

So after I saw that he deleted the comment, I unblocked him on Facebook and I sent him an email telling him that I would not stop writing about him because I enjoyed doing so.  I told him that I didn't miss him anymore (which I don't really) but that he was the main character of my blog and that I did not want to take him out of it meaning this journal or my life, not yet.  I know that this all may sound crazy to anyone that reads it and I never expect anyone to understand fully what or why he means so much to me, but he does.  Even if he is rude and doesn't respond to my emails, I KNOW that I am someone, he will NEVER FORGET and that the things that he does like deleting my comment, is a sign that he pays attention to what I do and it still makes him feel a certain something.  I don't know what he thinks or feels, but I do remember him saying one day in one of our classes that we had together, that there was something he didn't have control over and it was very frustrating.  Of course, he will NEVER have control of my actions like I will never have control over his, but I know that it frustrates him and that gives me satisfaction, the satisfaction to know that he won't even tell me to stop, because he really doesn't want me too, if he did, he knows how to make me do so.

Anyway, I have failed you my dear journal I did not complete my 28 days but I won't stop doing what I  want to do, unless it is something that is physically hurting me or someone or it is something really bad. I am moving on with my life from him, I always have and one day maybe, someone will come into my life and take me away from him, but until then, I am quite happy thinking of him and keeping him right were he has been for nearly 5 years, right in the deepest of my heart.......

Oh one last thing journal, after he deleted my initial comment, I posted another one, that one he left.   OH BENJAMIN! let's play some more!


Benjamin no matter what you do..... I am bullet proof! 

David Guetta ft. Sia - Titanium

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-2iDdR9ihg

Friday, August 10, 2012

YOU BI&CH!!!!

Dear Journal:

Why can't things ever just be simple? I don't get that! it's always something! is it that I ask for things? I mean I don't even barely talk to anyone, so how come things happen in my life and I feel like even if I am walking away from things, something pulls me in the direction that I shouldn't go, yet deep inside, that's where I really want to be.  I know I am not making much sense, but whenever I write you, I feel lik it would appear that I have all these different men in my life, yet in reality I am single, I don't have anyone (technically) so then why? why? oh why? do these things occur!

Let's see, I was telling my awesome cousin who called me last night, that I don't want to make my journal too current with things that are going on presently in my life, however, sometimes I feel that it is these challenges that make life worth living, it is these sincere thoughts that I put on my journal, that have gotten me over ten thousand hits to my blog.  It is my sincerity and my love and passion for writing, that have me doing this what I am doing now.  I am putting my life on here, because I hope that someone will read it and feel like WOW! I understand what she is going through because I feel that way also, or maybe this person will say, WOW! I went through that too! or maybe they will say, I hope things work out for her and send me their positive energy and love.  I HOPE, that whoever reads my thoughts and feeling and life and challenges, understands that I put these words on a public journal, for love.  Love of people, love of my writing, love of my future goals and dreams.  I want someone to come on my blog and know that I AM CRAZY TOO! and that we all go through challenges and we all have tough times.  But that we as individuals and as human beings, have the capability to overcome the everyday obstacles that we encounter if we really want to.

So, today I found out something that made me extremely angry! my first reaction was tears rolling down my eyes and my next reaction was complete anger! I WAS FURIOUS! The first thing I did after I heard the news that someone was giving me, was to send a message to another friend, my very good friend Liz and ask her to please tell me something, ANYTHING! to calm my anxiety.  She did just that, my angel Lizzy came through for me as always, she gave me comfort and I felt better almost immediately! needless to say, THANK THE UNIVERSE FOR WONDERFUL AMAZING TRUE FRIENDS! but before I came down from my anger, below you will read what came through my thoughts and what I told the bearer of bad news, I wish I could do.  I am going to put this on my journal, because I seriously need to get it out of my system, and because deep down inside, I hope the person that my thoughts below are directed towards, will read this and know.  I doubt it, but I really really really hope she does!

Why don't I just send the message directly to her your thinking? I don't do so, because you don't win a battle by fighting, you win a battle with strategy.  Additionally, I won't go to the extreme's of fighting with anyone.  It is unnecessary and I'm to old for that nonsense.  Also, you can't really fight for things that are not yours to begin with or maybe they are but I won't cat fight like I did when I was 19 or 20.   So, with that said, yes if this individual saw this and felt like calling me and talking to me woman to woman, I WOULD LOVE TOO! but I am not going to take the first step, because I don't feel like I need to and refuse to waste my time.  Non the less, the old version of Jazzy, came out of me for a few minutes and my mind raced with anger and below is what I so badly wanted to say, but held my tounge or rather, decided that only time will tell the outcome and that I need not do anything at all.

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT UPON RECEIVING SOME NEWS THAT MADE ME FURIOUS!.................................................................................................................................................

YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!! why don't you just dissappear already! you are sooooo fucking lucky I am not the woman I used to be, because if I was, I would KNOCK YOU THE FUCK OUT! LEAVE MY FUCKING MAN ALONE YOU LOOSER! You are like poison in his life! and the ONLY reason why he isn't with me, is BECAUSE OF ME!!!!!!! BECAUSE I CHOSE NOT TO BE PART OF HIS LIFE! you should be thanking me! BUT BITCH! THIS ISN'T OVER UNTIL I SAY SOOOOOOO!!!! and maybe I changed my mind! WATCH YOUR BACK YOU HOE!!!!!

Jazzy calms down! you know what they say though, you can take the girl out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl.  At the end of the day, Jazzy decides that nor violence nor anger nor harsh words, will do any good, because in the end only LOVE CONQUERS ALL! and that what is meant to be, will be! and I need not do a thing!

Well, that was my day journal.  I am sorry that I can't be extremely specific about what happened.  However, I don't think specific details are required.  It is obvious, that I am UPSET about a woman and a man.  One day, when all is well and things come together as they should, I will share.  Until then, I am glad that I have you my wonderful ever so faithful journal, to share my angers, my fears, my goals, dreams, desires, whatever comes across my mind and flows out onto these pages..........

Now I sit at home, with a nice glass of wine and next up.... VAMPIRE DIARIES :)

Please enjoy a great song....... Lenny Kravitz - Stillness of Heart..



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SP6HACvtPUw



Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Dear Journal: 8-7-12 IPhone Drama! :(

Dear Journal:

I am feeling really happy.  I have been stressed about a few things like the fact that I have in less then six months, managed to damage three IPhones to the point of no repair and now am holding on to my newest one for dear life as I cannot continue to give my money to apple although one of the three they gave to me for free for being an outstanding client...... NOT! But honestly, in the midst of all the maddness that has been going on in my life this past week, I managed to smile everyday and give thanks to the un moved mover the all mighty powerful God the Sun, Moon and Stars the Omnipitient Omniscient bieng greater than all things, THANKS FOR ALL I DO HAVE!

Man somedays I am ready to run and run and run and just loose it, but something always seems to hold me down and with faith I feel all will be good, because all can always be worse.  So enough about my whinning and let's get down and dirty.  Let's see, first, I decided to leave men alone for a while, well not ALL men, but men in general.  I don't want nothing to do with internet people or to meet anyone on the street I don't want to really talk to anyone and just want to be left alone.  I feel better when I am not "getting to know anyone" life is just so much simpler that way.  I have been thinking a whole lot about one specific someone, that someone is this person I have written about on my blog before, I was with him in Miami on vacation last year right around this time.  We had a strange time, it wasn't horrible but it wasn't great.  I have been thinking alot about him and what he meant/means to me.  Other than that, I don't have time to think about any one else.

Remember my neighbor? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html well, I ran into him the other day after not haven seen him for a few weeks.  I am sort of glad I haven't bumped into him, because even though he kind of lights up when he sees me which makes me feel really good, I just don't think I want to go there with him.  There meaning you know.... THERE! so I have kind of forgotten about him until the other day when I saw him from far and I thought to myself holly shit there he is! so I am walking with my younger son because he was going to work with me for the day and I tell my son to hurry up and he's like why and I'm like because! we will miss the train! I was totally lying to my poor child, I couldn't tell him to hurry up because my little HS make believe crush was walking a few feet ahead of us and I absolutely needed to catch up to him! COME ON! what kind of mom does that????

Long story short, I caught up to him, he lit up said hello to my son and shook his hand and I was all tongue tied and silly as I usually get when I'm around that man.  Goodness!! what is wrong with me? it was so obvious, that after my son and I walked away from him to go to another train, I told my son that he had just met my crush and he was like.  No wonder mom! I could tell you were nervous! WHAT THE FUCK! well that is probably the end of that story, I have made up my mind that I don't want him, so I hope I don't run into him because I think I will probably not be nice to him, I will also act cold and un carring.  Sorry, that's just how I feel about men in general these days.

Anyway, that's pretty much all I have to report.

OVER AND OUT!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Mobb Deep - Shook Ones Part II [HQ]

I was just listening to my grooveshark mixes and could not believe I didn't have one of my favorite old school hip hop hits on my blog...


CAUSE THEY SHOOK! ......... OMG! I LOVE IT!
SPEAK THE WRONG WORDS MAN AND YOU WILL GET TOUCHED!


........ I remember when that was my attitude, wow have I changed, that or I'm just too old for drama.... :-)


Lil story, my son (he's 18) and I are in my car, this song comes on the radio I get all hyped up and he says, mom that just came out right? Me... what???? I start laughing really loud.  WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS SON!? and proceeded to make fun of him, because according to him, I don't know shit about music.  YEAH OK! lil boy thinks he knows it all, he doesn't know his momma was around when hip hop was REAL! I love some old school hip hop, cause well, I'm old school! :-)


Mobb Deep - Shook Ones Part II

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP0wsET8__Y


Dear Journal: Jekyll Island

Dear Journal:


I wrote a story a long time ago for someone because at that time, that person was becoming someone special to me.  The specifics of this story I can't really share for many reasons, but, the actual story that I wrote, I can.  I wrote it because the person I wrote it for is not rich, but is financially savvy, financially comfortable yet I felt bad for this individual, because although it seemed like he had it all, I sincerely feel that he was lonely and deep down, not really happy.  Also, we were talking and he expressed to me that he really wanted to go away on this trip and that he wasn't going to do it, because he could not justify to himself, spending 3K on a vacation.  When he told me that, I could NOT believe my ears and at that moment I felt almost sorry for him, I saw in him a money hungry human being that although he had so much, he wanted more and more and more.  I don't like to be judgmental, but I felt sad for him, I felt sincerely sad that he could not see what I saw, that the world to him was something to conquer not enjoy.  He didn't realize that life is too short and that if we don't stop and live it, it will pass us by.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with wanting money, but when you become out right greedy with yourself, I find that really sad.  


Anyway, maybe I was wrong, maybe he was happy, but I don't think he really was, I always felt like he was playing a role, so that he could get to where he wanted to be.  I don't know, I guess some people live their lives hoping or wishing in secret, instead of doing and taking chances and living.  I don't know how to be that way.  I don't really believe there is such a thing as complete happiness.  And I am positive, that happiness is nothing you find or have that is outside of ourselves.  Happiness is something that we look for within, it is something that is spiritual and it is not something you feel 24/7.  Example, I sometimes feel really sad and go through really tough days, but all in all, I'm ok, I'm pretty happy for the most part, even if I have sad, disappointing, difficult days.  For the most part, even on my most miserable days, I try to find something, to remind me that happiness is not something I get from anything or anyone, that happiness is within and that I need to continue to look for it in myself.  But there are those who strive for things and "pretend" so they can get to where they want to be, not realizing that if you just work in an honorable way, if you are true to yourself and others and if you are genuine and sincere, then things will start to happen and life will treat you kind.  


I want to share this "justification story" because I wrote this for him after him telling me he could not justify spending 3k on himself.  I wrote it to him, with hopes that he would maybe see what I saw, or to help him realize that he didn't need to justify anything to himself because he deserved spending money on himself.  Especially, because he worked really hard each and every day.  After I wrote it, he told me he never had the chance to read it.  I know he was lying, but I didn't care, because for a long time after that, although his words didn't say a thing, his eyes told me many secrets.  For a long time I disliked and nearly hated this individual, but I since, have had a change of heart and have forgiven him for the way he treated me, which was not very nice.  To forgive is not to forget, but to remember without hostility.  I remember him once throwing in my face the fact that he had way more then I did, I remember crying after he said that to me without him knowing I had, I remember him thinking he was too good for me.  I don't care anymore that anyone thinks they are too good.  Because the ones that think that way, are the most unhappy miserable people.  Me, I'm good!


I hope you will enjoy my little "justification story"....... it is called Jekyll Island................................................


JEKYLL ISLAND - BY: JAZZY



Jekyll Island, why with it's beautiful beaches, astounding scenic views, serene sorroundings and wonderful history, it's no wonder that it would cost and arm and a leg to go to golfing classes there, yet I have for you, Mr. Hyde, a valid and just reason to help you make this life changing experience happen. Let us call the following story, a brief look at a day in the life of Mr. Hyde the future husband and father.

But first, let's take a look at the current Mr. Hyde.  While I only know the professional aspect of your life, I feel that I am in a position were I may have a valid reason for putting my thoughts forth for you to review and consider.  Our work life is what takes up the majority of our lives as a whole.  We spend the most time at work and most people, especially those individuals that are in positions where they constantly have to make decisions that affect the company's that they work for, have to often even take their work with them home and stay late hours, thus making work a major significant part of their lives.  With this said, I will now tell you what I see.

You work really hard, I have sometimes looked in your office and seen you in deep thought clearly thinking through something that you are working on.  While many people have criticized that work that requires thought is not as extremely tiring as physical labor, I will argue that mental work is very exhausting as well.  Sitting in one place all day long thinking of the right words to convey an opinion or express a thought, is very draining.  I also have to point out, that only someone who works hard moves up in an institution, and your track record, clearly shows how you have moved up the ranks.

The point of this story however, is not to convince you that you have worked hard and therefore deserve a vacation, that point is perfectly clear.  The point however that I am trying to make to you is, that there indeed is a way to justify to yourself, that 3,000 dollars, for someone who makes I am pretty sure much more then that a month, is not really a lot of money to spend on yourself.  Yes, 3k is a lot of money, however, did you not struggle for many years going to school? sacrificing time with family and friends? eating crappy food? studying all sorts of hours of the night, living off of the little bit of money you made while working crappy jobs and pinching pennies? jeopardizing your health for a successful rewarding future? Being poor to the point that you would have to pinch pennies and dimes just to survive?  So, how can you not justify wanting something that would make you feel really good? something you have clearly earned.  I am not sure if you have indulged in your success, because I don't know everything about the personal aspect of your life but from where I can see, it is clear to me, that the points I just brought forth are enough justification that you most definitely owe this trip to yourself.

The other aspect of this justification which I am presenting to you as future tense is as follows.  One day after being married for sometime, after having Hyde junior, you wake up realizing that you are exhausted, you have worked hard for so many years, being a hard working executive at a firm a wonderful husband to some lucky woman and a great father.  You feel like you deserve a vacation.  By now, you are PAID! You have cash in the bank, your monthly bills are covered for way over 1 year and you just want to get away for a week, you really really want to go to golf school because you never went in the past like you wanted to because you "couldn't afford it" or rather, you couldn't "justify it to yourself" 

After thinking about it for days, you decide that you are ready to tell your wife.  So you are with her and you turn to your lovely wife and you say "honey, sweety, baby, apple blossom" or whatever other pet names you refer to when you speak to her.  As soon as she hears these words, she probably knows you want something, (I'm not saying that you won't always refer to her with sweet expressions but women just know these things) so she responds with a smile and says "yes xy or z pet name" to you back with a smile, you kind of know in your gut that when you tell her you want to go away for a week by yourself to play golf, she will probably not be very happy about it, after all, all women are not as cool as me (I needed a comparison for this example) anyway, you tell her this and immediately she starts going off on you, on how you are going to spend all this money on a golf trip, money that you need to save for juniors college or for that addition you two want in the back of the house, or for the other baby you two want to have, and on and on she goes, bitching and winning of how selfish you are, how she works hard too, how even if she goes with you, it would only be more money, how you want to go away for a week and leave her alone to attend to junior and on and on the bitch goes! (yes I wrote bitch) because at this point you are so annoyed, you are thinking just that, that she is a bitch! your thinking also, that if you let  junior have it easy, he will never appreciate things as much as you have, but you dare not say that to your wife because (remember, she isn't as cool as me) so she will probably be even more pissed off if you even suggest that.  After that, you start actually paying attention to what she is saying and then you will start to feel guilty and even feel that you were wrong for even suggesting it.  Needles to say, your Jekyll Island adventure never gets to happen.

All of this drama, could of been avoided, had you listened to that crazy chick, who last you heard left the planet in some space ship! (poor woman) who would always tell you to enjoy life while you could, because life is too short, because sometimes we only get one chance to do what we really want, because money is not everything in life and although you have it, you don't get to enjoy it, so what good is it?

I have made my argument. And as a side note, I have been a wife in the past and therefore, I can completely relate to your wife feeling that way.  How dare you! your so damn selfish. :)

As an alternative because 3k is just way too much money for you to spend on yourself.  You can still go to the island, enjoy some golf at a mere I think I saw 45 dollars a hole or puck or whatever it's called? and enjoy the history of the Island which is pretty cool!

Also I should note, that you haven't been on a real vacation in how many years you told me? Exactly! All that money that would of been used for those vacations you are going to use for this one (another justification) I think you should go to this trip and not feel guilty about it! You deserve it and owe it to yourself.

And remember, If you spoil junior or that bitch wife of yours (just kidding) I'm sure she will be lovely.  But if you spoil them, they won't appreciate things as much. 

Take that trip and enjoy! You never know, you might just meet ms. future Hyde there, you will get to network, play golf, and live!

The end.


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Dear Journal: Overcoming my addiction... Day 10

Dear Journal:

It's too late to write, but I felt like I needed to write something, anything, because I missed you! I have been feeling really weird lately, It's been 10 days since I last saw anything to do with him, him...... Benjamin.  I realized that the other night when I wrote about the fact that I was going to get rid of my addiction of reading everything that he writes or posts on his blog, that I wrote on that journal entry, that it has been four years since I have known him,  when in fact, it has been 5 http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/28-days-to-overcome-addiction.html.  I first set my eyes on him, going on 5 years in October and since that day, I can honestly say that I do not remember one day going by that I do not think of him.  Not ONE.  Imagine that? so, in those nearly 5 years, there has not been a time that I don't know something about him, anything, because he always wrote, sometimes I even felt like he was writing to me, saying something to me specifically I think I am seriously loosing it.

On Sunday I had a really tough time, at one point, I felt like I couldn't breath, the anxiety was really bad and I kept breathing harder and harder to try to catch my breath.  Today, I went on an eating binge, I ate everything I could and I felt gross after but felt that I needed too.  For the most part I try to keep it in the back of my mind and when the urge of going on his site or any other social network page where I can know something about him, comes over me, I think of you my sweet journal and the fact that I cannot let you down.  You are my rock and it is with you on my side, here where I can write my every thought and feeling, that I will overcome this addiction.  This can't be love, love looks so different.  Love is kind and love is sweet and love is two people, not only one.  I am not in love, I cannot be, this isn't how love is suppose to look.  I do not want love to look this way in my life.

I had met someone really nice that I was talking too and I was supposed to hang out with him this week and I had to cancel, I can't talk to anyone, I don't want to have anything to do with men, I almost hate them all.  I despise at this moment anyone who has ever treated me less then kind and I want to tell anyone of them, whomever decides to come on my blog and read my thoughts, that if you read this and you are one of those people who have treated me wrong for whatever reason and you know who you are, I want to say to you FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! you don't deserve anything from me! YOU ARE SLIME!

I can't do this anymore journal...... I need to sleep, I feel anxious and scared and really sad.

What happens in Vegas!

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