Hell! I don't even know how to start journal! but I've been given permission by my current love that I can share our story! YAY while it's been hard, painful, complicated, it's definitely been a story that shouldn't be kept a secret, yet I've tried to keep it a secret because I didn't want the world to know what I've been going through. But when I look back and see all the trials and tribulations that have bought us here, I feel that it's only fair to share with you my ever so faithful journal, because these are the true events of my true life story and one day when I'm gone I want someone anyone to look back at these pages and feel a sense of comfort that with my words I will always and forever live :) like Freud! (lol, wishful thinking journal). Anyway, although I don't post I still write so here is my journal from April, 2017 when I went with my current boyfriend to hippie hill in fabulous, San Francisco, California!
Whenever I get really angry and emotional, it's probably the only time I should not say a thing to my love and wait till I cool off; but I just don't know how to do that. I blew up on him while in the airport and wanted to cry and all sorts of things, because that's how hurt I felt. Now I'm a bit more calm but still feeling really hurt by him and the fact that he first went on FB before checking up on me. I get that we are all addicted to Facebook! the fascination of feeling close to people virtually is uncontrollable, the feeling of acceptance by how many likes you get, the sense of community and being liked, all on your phone, right there for immediate gratification, I understand all that. What I don't understand, is how you say you love someone and the minute you are up you aren't wondering if the person you love is ok, on their way, what is going on with this person who I can actually touch, kiss, hug and makes me feel loved. I constantly feel with my love as if I'm competing for him. I feel like I have to compete with other women, his family, his friends, everything! I know he loves me and I don't question that, but I also know that I'm not his number one. When you are number one, you are first in someone's mind first thing in the morning, you let family down for them, you turn away from your friends if that's what it takes to be with this person.
I recognize also that it's not healthy nor cool for me to ask someone to do all those things for me, I don't want him to turn his back on family, I don't want him to turn away from his friends. All I wanted on this trip was a little time with the person I love, a little time away from the norm, some quality time somewhere different. Instead, I'm getting nothing but heart ache and anxiety, is that fair to me? What lengths would I go through for him? What lengths would he go through, for me? There is an unevenness that I don't like. But all this to me is a learning experience, I'm learning that I need to not give so much but only what I get. I need to make friends, go out, I need to stop making him my world, because I'm going to end up hurt.
I don't know what will happen when I get off this plane, I will take it one step at a time, and while I said that being alone for a day was a good thing, I realize now that I only said that to make myself feel better because the man I love couldn't make time for just me. It hurts my heart that I'm not in the same category as everyone else in his life. What then, do I do moving forward? Is it time to start moving on emotionally and slowly letting go? Because my heart hurts and my stomach hurts and I'm anxious and this all does not feel good, it's not cool at all.
End of entry.................
Since this happened a year ago journal, I can tell you the end of this particular story...........
My love and I met after me breaking up with him and him insisting that I was his number one priority. I love him so much! I was so mad and I didn't tell him where I was in San Francisco and then after numerous messages I finally told him and he came to meet up with me with his child hood friends! which to me, meant that he wanted me to be in his life so much so, that he wanted me to meet the most important people in his life! his childhood friends!...... stay tuned journal so much more to come..... My love and I have been through so much! BUT....... we love each other! and this is just the beginning of this story!....
Whenever I get really angry and emotional, it's probably the only time I should not say a thing to my love and wait till I cool off; but I just don't know how to do that. I blew up on him while in the airport and wanted to cry and all sorts of things, because that's how hurt I felt. Now I'm a bit more calm but still feeling really hurt by him and the fact that he first went on FB before checking up on me. I get that we are all addicted to Facebook! the fascination of feeling close to people virtually is uncontrollable, the feeling of acceptance by how many likes you get, the sense of community and being liked, all on your phone, right there for immediate gratification, I understand all that. What I don't understand, is how you say you love someone and the minute you are up you aren't wondering if the person you love is ok, on their way, what is going on with this person who I can actually touch, kiss, hug and makes me feel loved. I constantly feel with my love as if I'm competing for him. I feel like I have to compete with other women, his family, his friends, everything! I know he loves me and I don't question that, but I also know that I'm not his number one. When you are number one, you are first in someone's mind first thing in the morning, you let family down for them, you turn away from your friends if that's what it takes to be with this person.
I recognize also that it's not healthy nor cool for me to ask someone to do all those things for me, I don't want him to turn his back on family, I don't want him to turn away from his friends. All I wanted on this trip was a little time with the person I love, a little time away from the norm, some quality time somewhere different. Instead, I'm getting nothing but heart ache and anxiety, is that fair to me? What lengths would I go through for him? What lengths would he go through, for me? There is an unevenness that I don't like. But all this to me is a learning experience, I'm learning that I need to not give so much but only what I get. I need to make friends, go out, I need to stop making him my world, because I'm going to end up hurt.
I don't know what will happen when I get off this plane, I will take it one step at a time, and while I said that being alone for a day was a good thing, I realize now that I only said that to make myself feel better because the man I love couldn't make time for just me. It hurts my heart that I'm not in the same category as everyone else in his life. What then, do I do moving forward? Is it time to start moving on emotionally and slowly letting go? Because my heart hurts and my stomach hurts and I'm anxious and this all does not feel good, it's not cool at all.
End of entry.................
Since this happened a year ago journal, I can tell you the end of this particular story...........
My love and I met after me breaking up with him and him insisting that I was his number one priority. I love him so much! I was so mad and I didn't tell him where I was in San Francisco and then after numerous messages I finally told him and he came to meet up with me with his child hood friends! which to me, meant that he wanted me to be in his life so much so, that he wanted me to meet the most important people in his life! his childhood friends!...... stay tuned journal so much more to come..... My love and I have been through so much! BUT....... we love each other! and this is just the beginning of this story!....
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