Dear Journal -
On Wednesday I started a new virtual class at the School of Practical Philosophy! I'm so excited that I'm able to take this 10 week class again after all these years 9 to be exact. That seems so long ago yet not really. During the first class, we talked about a few topics but the one that I remembered most was the practice of saying "what would a wise person do?" listening to that brought me back to 9 years ago and I broke down in tears.
When I attended the school back then, I mainly did so because I knew Benjamin (that's not his real name) would be attending the classes, at that point I had not seen him in a few years and when I did, I remember I had to run out to central park during my break to cry. I feel that my life has been filled with so much sadness when it comes to love, it almost makes you want to give up on it, but then I remember that not everyone is the same and that sometimes you have to experience great hurt, to appreciate great love when it does come to your life.
I did cry during the first session reminiscing on a love that I once knew. The love that was so great that it took me years to overcome, but here I am writing about it once again and feeling ok, and knowing that I did in fact move on from that heart ache. The other day or maybe a few months ago, I was looking at Ben's FB page (we are not friends but he's sort of a public figure so he writes about technology and posts on FB, Twitter etc.) anyway, I had not done that in a really long time but every now and then I like to check to see how he's doing, in a very weird way he was a very significant part of my life and some days I wonder if our paths will ever cross again. So I'm looking at his posts and he had posted a song that he had posted way back when we played our virtual mind games and for a brief moment I thought, is this for me? and I was so tempted to post something back almost to say hey I'm still watching or hey, I see what you did or hey look, I still think of you from time to time, but then I decided that those games we played were more hurtful than great.
I wonder if other people have played the game he and I did, I know he was playing it with me, because when we were both attending the School of Practical Philosophy we were having a conversation where I referenced something I had posted on FB and his response to that almost automatically without thinking it through was "oh I saw that!" he and I were not friends on FB so for him to say that meant he did look at my stuff he saw my responses and he played the game with me. Another day he said to me, it was SO HARD not responding to your text sometimes and I thought, then why didn't you? The best thing that came out of all those games was this journal, this journal means so much to me and I'm happy to be back sitting with my laptop and writing, I feel inspired and motivated and think that I want to take another writing class or join a writing group or something that will keep me doing this what I love to do!
When I think back about why I left NYC, I know now that I left because I felt defeated, I've been feeling defeated again lately, luckily I have this journal, great people in my life and a bunch of coping strategies to help me through my difficult times, but sometimes I definitely see how life can really be hard when you don't have any of those things or none. I see how our minds can be so manipulative and how we can tell ourselves things that aren't even true because we are our worst critiques.
Journal, going back to the School of Practical Philosophy has made me miss home so badly! if I could go back tomorrow I would. I wish I could even just go for a long visit, I just miss my Brooklyn so much! I am looking forward to reminding myself before I act, "what would a wise person do" and hopefully figure out ways to cope with the things that life throws at us everyday!
Here are the posts I wrote about the school before:
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/this-poster-can-make-you-happier-than.html
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/08/love-how-sweet-it-is.html
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