Today is my exes birthday and it is the first one in 4 years that I wasn't part of. Last year for his bday we had such a lovely time, it was pretty magical because I wanted to make up for the prior years bday because that one I was not a nice girlfriend.
Journal, I wanted to reach out and wish him lots of wonderful things, but I did that for new year's and only got ignored, so I could not bare anymore not knowing the results of my good wishes. I also just didn't think it was appropriate as I don't know what is going on in his life or if he has a significant other or where he is in his life, so I just decided that putting it on here would get it out of my system and out into the world wide web, the little piece that belongs to my life. Today was a rough day journal, all these weird moments of telling myself that even if my heart still believes he's mine, he isn't and I have to be ok.
I haven't written in a while because I just don't have much to say these days, I'm still hurting and it becomes so annoying to just write about my sorrows. I don't want to write if it's going to be about my sorrows because what's the point of that? Life isn't just bad things after all and this journal seems like it's just about shitty stuff that has happened to me and life isn't all that bad to be honest.
I have a beautiful apartment that I absolutely love! I have a great job that I am learning so much in, I have great friends that I can always talk to when I'm feeling down, but most of all, I have been getting to know my granddaughter who is a little spit fire and reminds me of my attitude sometimes ha! she's amazing and so damn smart that I can't get enough of her! It's been really good to get to know her, every time I get to see her I feel like we bond a little more, my precious little girl, she is so worth everything that I've been through, at least giving her my love is rewarding.
I keep thinking that everything that has led me here has been for a reason, and that I can't fight life anymore I just have to keep asking and receiving because that's pretty much what has been happening all this time, I ask and receive. I just have to constantly remind myself that I have to be careful what I ask for, because sometimes it come true in ways that I don't want. But it's ok, life is good, life is fair and life is what we make it. Sure I can still cry regularly for the things that have happened, or I can keep looking forward and find the things in life that make me happy and focus on those.
I do often wonder though, if it wasn't love that I felt for my ex, then why do I still feel this way after 4 months? some days are harder than others obviously. I honestly didn't think I loved him as much as I do, this love consumed me and while I fought it and broke out of the relationship, that didn't mean that I broke out of the love. I feel like I'm still tied to him even though we don't even talk, yet there is not one day that goes by that I don't miss him or think of him or hope that he is well. I wish I would of known how to tell him how I was feeling all that time, while we were together, what I was needing, what I wanted. I guess anytime I tried, my words fell on deaf ears, I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to overcome it, I just live everyday and hope that one day I will wake up and the memories will be gone and the pain along with them.
