"Dating is a lot like fishing, sometimes catch and release is the best method"
Dear Journal -
I have been so tired lately! it's been so stressful with all the work that I have and just all the pieces that need to be completed in the type of work that I do, furthermore, my work can be an emotional roller coaster, It's like I can't work without emotions because I work with youth and the more that I get to know them, the more I love them and think of them as my own, so it gets tough to try and separate. My oldest son and middle son don't want me to do this job anymore, but I feel like my work has only just began and that I have to stay in this role for some time, I am not sure for how long, but a part of me feels like I just can't move from it, because I feel that if I left and went to do something else, I would really miss these kids. Most of them are all over the place and I always tell them this.... It's ok if you feel all over the place! I'm 50 and I'm all over the place! it's how you deal with each situation that matters, it's learning how to cope that's important. I genuinely think most of these kids have love for me, they are just all so very special in their own way and I really enjoy being around them and learning from them, my favorite part is that they think they know it all, and in my head I'm always like..... if you only knew what is still to come! jeez!
Anyway, I was with one of the girls that is on my caseload the other day, and she was like, can we pick up my boyfriend? so I'm like, sure and then jokingly I'm like, but no kissing in my car! I don't need to be reminded that I haven't been kissing anyone in God knows how long at this point! so she's like fine I won't kiss in your car, but we need to find you a man! hahahahaha....she's like, are you on any dating sites? so I'm like, well I was on tinder but I got off a few weeks ago and she goes, tinder? do you not know that's a hook up site! oh my God! this kid had me laughing so hard because these kids they are just so real with me sometimes, and that is what I LOVE about my job! I love that these kids the ones that I have the pleasure of working with, they are just REAL! and even the ones that have lied to me about stuff, at some point tell me they lied to me to which I say, yea I know! I was just waiting for you to tell me the truth.
Anyway, talking to her made me laugh but also made me miss tinder kind of sort of, especially because I got so many FB page followers off of that site. I am also on some other random sites, but that one specifically got me some good following on my FB page, so many, that last month (October) I got over 200 hits on my blog, that's really good! I only write 1x a week, I basically say nothing remotely important sometimes not even entertaining, yet off my tinder I got a bunch of new FB likes which in turn creates curiosity which in turn gets people clicking on my blog (thank you by the way!). I don't know who is reading my stuff unless they tell me or unless they comment which I don't get comments, but I've gotten emails on my FB page from men that have read stuff on my blog and I've also gotten emails on tinder from men talking to me about stuff I've written which makes me feel really happy, because I think back of when I started this blog and the efforts that I put into it and I've been re-reading some of my posts and I'm like.... awe! I remember when that happened and I've also cried at some of the posts I wrote and I've also forgotten some of the things I've written so I just love you so much journal!
The thing is that being on dating sites gets exhausting and then there are the assholes that want to say things that make my blood boil and then there are the ones that live thousands of miles away talking about I will fly to you just to see you! ...... UM... YEA! OK! this girl right here will never do long distance ever again! The other thing is that everyone I match with is in Denver or like miles away and ain't nobody got time to be driving all kinds of miles to see people or I don't know, I'm just not feeling it lately, I also have been feeling very like, lazy about getting to know anyone or any of that shit, so I don't know, while part of me wants to "stay in the game" the other part of me is like, who gives a shit if anyone is reading my posts? this is MY JOURNAL! I love this journal!
In other Jazzy news, I told my friend the story of Benjamin Nunez! remember him? my inspiration for this journal? anyway, I told her the brief version of the story how I was his "stalker" except he pretty much lead me on, the whole time I "stalked him" and then how at the end when we saw each other again he said stuff like.... OH YEA, I SAW THAT! when I made a reference to something I had posted on either twitter or FB, and then how he was like..... it was SO HARD, not to respond to you! really asshole? was it hard for you to continue to play with my head with your posts? let's be honest here, we both did this to each other and the game ends now! which it did, after we took a class together for 6 or 8 weeks (can't remember) then I told her how every week during our class breaks I would run outside to central park and cry because being around him was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do! such a crazy fucking story that I swear if it weren't for my niece that witnessed the whole thing and also my ex co-worker in NY, no one would believe me and I genuinely would look like a stalker! I think in his mind and in my mind and the weird feelings we shared for each other, what we were both doing was "ok" and being around each other again after all those years, because everything started out live and direct like we knew each other in person initially, gave us the closure that we both needed to move on from that crazy story!
Now when I think back at that time in my life, I realize that I did all of it to "be in love" because being in love with someone I couldn't have, was safer than giving my love to someone "in real life" because loving was too scary! then along came my ex who broke down all my walls only to break me all over again! Fuck my life sometimes for real!
Journal, I want to leave you with, this post I wrote back in 2012 about me being a "stalker" I just re-read it and it made me cry. I still can't believe that was me! I love you journal!
https://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/09/stop-stalking-me-bih.html
Maroon 5 - Beautiful Mistakes
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