The other day I saw him!!!!

 Dear journal -

The man from B5 made me laugh made me cry! Tall with dark hair and a dark shadow beard oh my! musically inclined, smart, funny, mesmerizing, Jewish Italian, only 5 years younger.  Yup that was him, the one that got away! Sometimes I wonder if he ever visits you journal, like has he ever thought about me since the last time we saw each other at the night club in Manhattan where he was a DJ on the weekends? What happened to the man from B5?

I was wondering about him the other day and I looked up his brother on Facebook, now here is the thing journal, I don't usually look at anyone's profile I try not to get into those habits of obsessing over anyone's social media, because at the end of the day, a lot of it is just bull shit! do you know how many times I've posted a picture and looked really happy but inside my heart was breaking? or how many times I posted something that came up somewhere only because in that moment I posted it I was thinking about something and it was relevant? in the end, if I want to know about someone truly, I reach out and say hello! I mean that is, if the person is still my friend or if I'm still comfortable talking to them.  But here is the thing, a few years ago, I would say probably about 5 years ago, I sent the man from B5 let's call him Wilferm (that's the name he had said I could use on my blog when writing about him) so I sent him a txt and he never till this day, responded.  In that moment I knew he didn't want to have anything to do with me, even though at that point I had not even talked to him in a really long time and I was just saying hello because it had been a while and I was wondering about him.

He and I never really dated, we were just friends, actually we slept together maybe 2x if that, actually the second time I slept with him, I had a panic attack and ran out of his house, it was the craziest thing that had ever happened to me, I had a panic attack because back then I was a commitment phoebe and I got so scared about the way I felt about him during sex, that I had to stop couldn't breath and literally ran out with half my cloths in my hand! (do you think that's what scared him about me?) this is a true story I swear it! we lived in the same building, him on the second floor me on the 6th literally the same row of apartments just different floors, anywho, after that obviously things became super awkward and to my unfortunate luck, one morning I saw him leaving the building with another woman and that was shitty to see! because I was never in love with him, but I really really really really liked him A LOT! 

Before our story ended, he once told me that he never wanted to be the reason why someone wouldn't do something they really wanted to do and the translation to that was, "Jazzy you have plans on moving to Colorado and I would never want to be the reason why you don't go!" maybe that is just something I thought he meant, but it was a really strange story that he and I shared because I would have never came to Colorado if he would have given us the opportunity to be something more.  I once saw him with his mom outside of the building and I remember thinking, damn, I wish I could meet her! as I write this my heart aches a little, he was definitely sort of everything I never knew I always wanted, but you know how life goes journal, sometimes you just don't get what you want!

So I'm writing about this now because the other day when I wrote my post about marriage, I thought to myself, if there was anyone that I could choose to marry right now, who would that be? and immediately he came to my mind! I think about him randomly not consistently but like if something happens and I don't know I'm thinking about men or Brooklyn or just random stuff, he will come to mind.  One day, I told him that I had found his brother on FB and that I had seen his whole family and he was all upset about it and I was like...... It's not like I'm stalking you, I'm telling you about it, why do people get all crazy about stupid shit like that? that's why people are on social media, if you don't want anyone to know anything about you, then you shouldn't be on it! and that is just the thing journal, this man does not have any social media at all, the only thing he has is LinkedIn because it's a professional site, but other than that, he is but a ghost in this world wide web!

However, his family has Facebook and ever so often I would look up his brother to see if maybe for some strange reason, there was a picture of him or something, I missed him! about a week ago I was thinking about him and I looked up the brother and then the mother and when I went to his mom's page, there HE WAS! a perfect picture of my Wilferm! OMG! he is still as handsome as I remember! I kept thinking hey! how are you? and I stared at the picture for a while and yearned to talk to him! I missed him so much! and wondered why he thought it was best never to talk to me again? I can't believe how great he looked, and to the masses I bet he's nothing special but to me, I had to sit there and stare at that picture and wonder, because the man in B5 who made me laugh and made me cry, never spoke to Jazzy again!(insert sad face here).

I wrote the poem below for him right before I moved to Colorado, because he said that one day he would visit me! he did come to Denver once, but he didn't let me know he did until after the fact, what about me made him feel that we couldn't be friends? I never understand men!

The man from B5
By: Jazzy
Originally written on July 3, 2013
The man in B5, made me laugh, made me cry...
And on that last night there could be no good bye.  For those last hours were spent there with me, it was almost as if life had just made it be. 
And on that last night through little white lies a promise was made.  That one day he'd go and spend time with me there, and that on that day it would be a grand big affair! That we would walk, we would laugh as only we do! down the road up the hill, over the mountains, we'd see, the wonderful natural beauty of God, the breath taking planes, and the wonderful sky! And oh my goodness what is that which we see? It's that sort of tree oh this place is for me! 
And hours will come and hours will go, Just him and just I, us sing and us dance! I'll ruffle his feathers and keep him together.  He'll keep me from dreaming and being a fool.  Together we'll smile it will last for a while, together at last together we'll be, together at last just he and just me.  
And we both will tell truths and we both will tell lies, and we both will not know why we once said goodbye! Oh boy one more time I will have him near! and he won't remember that what I said was clear, that dreams do come true remember please dear! that I held him, I smelled him and kissed his soft lips.  
And then I'll remember how on that last nigh he hugged me real tight and it felt just so right! together in my memory we'll be! the man from B5, just he and just me!
I will leave you with..... Michael Jackson - Rock with you