Dear Journal -
Dare I tell all that goes on in my mind without wondering if prying eyes will ever see what my mind has to share with thee? or should I let myself just spill out all that goes on in the deepest of my mind? his name is Mc M! and I have the pleasure of seeing him every single day and I bet he feels that way also! you know, he feels like he has the pleasure of seeing me also! but that is all that ever happens, we simply see one another.......
It all started four months ago when I started working at my new job, he would always walk past my desk and not even look in my direction, the very first time I noticed him I didn't really think much of him, I just thought he was a bit conceded, which he kind of has reason to be, young around 28 years old, handsome, and making bank! yup, I guess if I was young handsome and making a shit load of money I would probably act that way also, well, maybe not because that isn't my nature. Regardless, I thought he was cute but never really gave it a second thought. One day though, there was a training going on in the facility where I work (I am currently working for an oil and gas company) totally different industry than I am used to. Anyway, there was a training going on and I decided that week that I was going to start wearing some eye make up and doing my hair differently. The training class began and I kept feeling like someone was staring at me, you know that feeling? and sure enough, when I turned to look, it was him! Mr. Mc M! We looked into each others eyes and I believe that is the moment when the lust, mental love affair began! after that day for some reason we just started talking, I can't even remember why, but we did and the next thing I knew, we were texting each other and trying to find ways to talk to each other in the hallways of the company whenever we could. I went to NYC to visit and the whole time I was there he and I were texting each other, but then something went wrong, somewhere somehow something disconnected and the next thing I knew, we were no longer communicating via text messages. He was promoted to a new position and I feel as if he was sucked into it so much, he just got absorbed by the whole thing.
It has been six months now, and I will tell you that there were times in the past where he displayed such acts of jealousy when he saw me talking to the other men in the office, that it almost made me nervous that someone would notice his behavior, but nothing ever happened, it was as if something cut things off for us and it just sucked away all our interest in each other. I see him everyday though and I do love him so very much (as my friend) but there is nothing in me that makes me desire him like I once did, yet sometimes our eyes meet when we talk and it feels like we missed out on something. Life at the office has become complicated, and we both are sort of focused on our careers, we now talk to each other on a different level, and things changed, but it was a fun small emotional ride there for a little while. I do tend to loose interest really fast in the opposite sex lately, I almost feel empty numb, sort of like the tin man, no heart no more, no desire to love.
By the way journal, the other day I found out the once love of mine, the one who inspired me to write again and inspired this journal, is getting married! yup! I am not feeling any sort of way about it, but it bothers me that I can't wish him the best, for the first time in my life I am so hateful that I am seriously disappointed in myself. I can't honestly say that I am happy for him and wish him the best, so I won't say anything at all. Deep in my heart I keep thinking that he is living a lie, maybe I like to make up fairy tale stories in my mind to feel better about the fact that he is marrying another woman. I don't care, I don't care and I don't care. I have no expression or no sadness about it or no pain, no just a few tears rolling down my cheek as I write this post. I remember always telling him when I wrote him those 500 letters that he never responded to, that I wished with all my heart that the day he decided to get married, I would no longer love him, because I don't think I would be able to handle it. Lucky for me my heart is no longer his, and so it wasn't as devastating.....
Journal, I often wonder how Wilferm is doing.... He was my neighbor in Brooklyn. I miss Brooklyn! not enough to move back, but I do miss it fondly! Anyway journal, all in all life is good! and I have learned something so amazing in these last few years, and what I learned was that if someone isn't giving you the type of love whether it be friendship love or romantic love the way you give to them, if you are constantly the giver and not receiving anything back........ then that person needs to hit the road! who the fuck needs people who are blood suckers! I believe in give and take! and that's how I am rolling these days!
So yeah........ No love from Mc M! but it's nice to have someone to look at everyday..... if I only had a heart!
Dare I tell all that goes on in my mind without wondering if prying eyes will ever see what my mind has to share with thee? or should I let myself just spill out all that goes on in the deepest of my mind? his name is Mc M! and I have the pleasure of seeing him every single day and I bet he feels that way also! you know, he feels like he has the pleasure of seeing me also! but that is all that ever happens, we simply see one another.......
It all started four months ago when I started working at my new job, he would always walk past my desk and not even look in my direction, the very first time I noticed him I didn't really think much of him, I just thought he was a bit conceded, which he kind of has reason to be, young around 28 years old, handsome, and making bank! yup, I guess if I was young handsome and making a shit load of money I would probably act that way also, well, maybe not because that isn't my nature. Regardless, I thought he was cute but never really gave it a second thought. One day though, there was a training going on in the facility where I work (I am currently working for an oil and gas company) totally different industry than I am used to. Anyway, there was a training going on and I decided that week that I was going to start wearing some eye make up and doing my hair differently. The training class began and I kept feeling like someone was staring at me, you know that feeling? and sure enough, when I turned to look, it was him! Mr. Mc M! We looked into each others eyes and I believe that is the moment when the lust, mental love affair began! after that day for some reason we just started talking, I can't even remember why, but we did and the next thing I knew, we were texting each other and trying to find ways to talk to each other in the hallways of the company whenever we could. I went to NYC to visit and the whole time I was there he and I were texting each other, but then something went wrong, somewhere somehow something disconnected and the next thing I knew, we were no longer communicating via text messages. He was promoted to a new position and I feel as if he was sucked into it so much, he just got absorbed by the whole thing.
It has been six months now, and I will tell you that there were times in the past where he displayed such acts of jealousy when he saw me talking to the other men in the office, that it almost made me nervous that someone would notice his behavior, but nothing ever happened, it was as if something cut things off for us and it just sucked away all our interest in each other. I see him everyday though and I do love him so very much (as my friend) but there is nothing in me that makes me desire him like I once did, yet sometimes our eyes meet when we talk and it feels like we missed out on something. Life at the office has become complicated, and we both are sort of focused on our careers, we now talk to each other on a different level, and things changed, but it was a fun small emotional ride there for a little while. I do tend to loose interest really fast in the opposite sex lately, I almost feel empty numb, sort of like the tin man, no heart no more, no desire to love.
By the way journal, the other day I found out the once love of mine, the one who inspired me to write again and inspired this journal, is getting married! yup! I am not feeling any sort of way about it, but it bothers me that I can't wish him the best, for the first time in my life I am so hateful that I am seriously disappointed in myself. I can't honestly say that I am happy for him and wish him the best, so I won't say anything at all. Deep in my heart I keep thinking that he is living a lie, maybe I like to make up fairy tale stories in my mind to feel better about the fact that he is marrying another woman. I don't care, I don't care and I don't care. I have no expression or no sadness about it or no pain, no just a few tears rolling down my cheek as I write this post. I remember always telling him when I wrote him those 500 letters that he never responded to, that I wished with all my heart that the day he decided to get married, I would no longer love him, because I don't think I would be able to handle it. Lucky for me my heart is no longer his, and so it wasn't as devastating.....
Journal, I often wonder how Wilferm is doing.... He was my neighbor in Brooklyn. I miss Brooklyn! not enough to move back, but I do miss it fondly! Anyway journal, all in all life is good! and I have learned something so amazing in these last few years, and what I learned was that if someone isn't giving you the type of love whether it be friendship love or romantic love the way you give to them, if you are constantly the giver and not receiving anything back........ then that person needs to hit the road! who the fuck needs people who are blood suckers! I believe in give and take! and that's how I am rolling these days!
So yeah........ No love from Mc M! but it's nice to have someone to look at everyday..... if I only had a heart!
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