Dear Journal -
The last almost two months of my life seem like a horrific nightmare that I can't wake up from. I feel so confused and so deeply hurt. I am writing you today because I feel that I need to start feeling like me again, and being me involves you. I know that I have neglected you for way to long, but the truth is that for a very long time I felt no inspiration, I became lazy and began to adopt habits of the person I was in love with. Sometimes there are people that come into your life and make you want to be better, and then there are those that come into your life and you just become engrossed in them so much that you start to almost neglect yourself.
I don't know what happened to me in this last relationship journal, for so long I worked on myself so much that I thought I was ready! I thought I was the best me that I had ever been, I thought that I was going to be so great with whomever I fell in love with but what I found out was that I hadn't really become my best self, I went back to old habits that I had in my previous relationships, I became so engrossed in the other person that I forgot about the person that mattered the most....ME.
I have been going to therapy now for a little over a month, and I have found out so many things about myself that I am upset that I didn't start therapy before. I have found that I am too giving and often neglect my own needs to please other people. I can see how I do that, I guess to a certain extent pleasing others pleases me, or so I tell myself. But now that I am out of this relationship and I look back, I see it all, how I let myself get absorbed by the person I love, which is so unhealthy.
The person I loved cheated on me and was really cruel to me, I have been cheated on in the past, but I must say, that the way it was done to me this time was probably the worst of all. I never in a million years believed that this person I was in love with would of been capable of not only cheating, but also giving me explicit details about what he had done. These visions are still going around in my head, because this is something I just recently found out. I feel such disgust to know that I was capable of loving such a person, someone that had no remorse or felt bad about what he did. I mean if I would of done something to deserve what he did, like if I would of cheated first or betrayed him in some way then I guess it would be different since some people are vengeful and feel the need to get you back, but for me to just get all that stuff that I did not deserve, I just don't get it.
Journal, I am a strong woman, I know that I will recover from this, I know that I will love again and find someone that will truly love me and respect me the way I deserve, but until then, I will come to you whenever I'm feeling down, to put my sadness on here and not hold it in my heart.
Thank you my ever so faithful journal, for you are my rock.
I will leave you with a song my amazing friend told me to listen too, I have to say that I have so many amazing people in my life, that it gives me hope that there are some really good humans out there. While I know I played my part in everything that happened, I only wish he would of been a bit more sensitive with his words towards me, I wish I could feel that he really regretted what he did and that he really was sorry. I don't know what goes on in his mind on a daily basis, I have no idea what he must feel or what he is going through. I am so sad that things had such a sad ending, you always hope that break ups end amicable. I just need to find the strength in me every single day and remember that this too shall pass, that the hurt will go away, that the anxiety will lessen, that the thoughts of him will slowly disappear, that the love will fade. I know I can do this, I just wish it would go away faster, because Jazzy's heart is full of sadness.
Too Good At Goodbye
By: Sam Smith
The last almost two months of my life seem like a horrific nightmare that I can't wake up from. I feel so confused and so deeply hurt. I am writing you today because I feel that I need to start feeling like me again, and being me involves you. I know that I have neglected you for way to long, but the truth is that for a very long time I felt no inspiration, I became lazy and began to adopt habits of the person I was in love with. Sometimes there are people that come into your life and make you want to be better, and then there are those that come into your life and you just become engrossed in them so much that you start to almost neglect yourself.
I don't know what happened to me in this last relationship journal, for so long I worked on myself so much that I thought I was ready! I thought I was the best me that I had ever been, I thought that I was going to be so great with whomever I fell in love with but what I found out was that I hadn't really become my best self, I went back to old habits that I had in my previous relationships, I became so engrossed in the other person that I forgot about the person that mattered the most....ME.
I have been going to therapy now for a little over a month, and I have found out so many things about myself that I am upset that I didn't start therapy before. I have found that I am too giving and often neglect my own needs to please other people. I can see how I do that, I guess to a certain extent pleasing others pleases me, or so I tell myself. But now that I am out of this relationship and I look back, I see it all, how I let myself get absorbed by the person I love, which is so unhealthy.
The person I loved cheated on me and was really cruel to me, I have been cheated on in the past, but I must say, that the way it was done to me this time was probably the worst of all. I never in a million years believed that this person I was in love with would of been capable of not only cheating, but also giving me explicit details about what he had done. These visions are still going around in my head, because this is something I just recently found out. I feel such disgust to know that I was capable of loving such a person, someone that had no remorse or felt bad about what he did. I mean if I would of done something to deserve what he did, like if I would of cheated first or betrayed him in some way then I guess it would be different since some people are vengeful and feel the need to get you back, but for me to just get all that stuff that I did not deserve, I just don't get it.
Journal, I am a strong woman, I know that I will recover from this, I know that I will love again and find someone that will truly love me and respect me the way I deserve, but until then, I will come to you whenever I'm feeling down, to put my sadness on here and not hold it in my heart.
Thank you my ever so faithful journal, for you are my rock.
I will leave you with a song my amazing friend told me to listen too, I have to say that I have so many amazing people in my life, that it gives me hope that there are some really good humans out there. While I know I played my part in everything that happened, I only wish he would of been a bit more sensitive with his words towards me, I wish I could feel that he really regretted what he did and that he really was sorry. I don't know what goes on in his mind on a daily basis, I have no idea what he must feel or what he is going through. I am so sad that things had such a sad ending, you always hope that break ups end amicable. I just need to find the strength in me every single day and remember that this too shall pass, that the hurt will go away, that the anxiety will lessen, that the thoughts of him will slowly disappear, that the love will fade. I know I can do this, I just wish it would go away faster, because Jazzy's heart is full of sadness.
Too Good At Goodbye
By: Sam Smith
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