It's been so long, I don't even know where to start. I guess I can start by saying that life has been so complicated and different for me in the past few years, that I sort of lost myself in a way that I don't know how to explain and that so much has happened that I don't even know where I would start.
I lived in Oregon for two years or 1 year and 11 months to be exact, for the most part I was pretty happy there, my oldest son who is in the military was stationed in Washington about 2 hours from me, so I was seeing him about once a month and it was so great! I loved being close to him because we had been living apart for 4 years since I had moved from NYC to CO and being close to him made me feel really happy, but then in December of 2019 he left to Europe on a military assignment and after he was gone, things just didn't seem the same. The day that he left, I couldn't get up from bed because I was so extremely depressed, I had to call out from work because I literally couldn't get up, so after that day I began to think of life and try and figure out what was next for me.
While I was there in Oregon, I was in a relationship with the same person I had been in a relationship with since I lived in CO, he went with me to OR because that is where he also wanted to be, so at the time it was a win win situation for me, my partner was happy to go to OR and I was happy to go also because I would be close to my son. However, my relationship was less than perfect and while I was in OR my partner lost his best friend. I have never had to experience someone loosing someone and loosing themselves in the process and I can't even get into it right now because I have a pretty bad headache, but I will say this, in my mind I could not grasp why he was taking out on me the fact that he had lost his friend, I had not done anything to him or at least I didn't think I had. Nonetheless, I tried to be supportive in anyway that I could knowing that nothing I did or would do would change the way he felt or the way he was treating me.
In January of 2020 I visited my granddaughter in CO during my visit, I also lost my grandmother. Loosing her was pretty hard but I was expecting it so it wasn't a shock to my system it was sort of a relief to know that she would finally stop her suffering. My grandma, she remembered us all until her dying day. After that happened, I decided that I needed to move back because I just felt that I needed to be closer to my granddaughter and younger son.
I went back to OR and told my partner that I had made this decision and he let me know he would not be going back with me. So much has happened but I don't really want to get into the details. The reason why I'm writing this post is because I need to get all this out of my system. I'm writing this post because my partner started off by saying he wouldn't go back with me and then he said he would and then not and then yes and I lived with this uncertainty for 4 months. Finally right as I had everything ready, I was proposed to and assured that he would go with me because he loved me and didn't want to loose me. Fast forward to now, 3 weeks into being back in CO and the hesitation of him coming started again, so what did I do? I let him go.
Dear journal, if you love someone you let them go, if you believe that they will be happy somewhere and that somewhere is not next to you then it's ok, you accept. I'm writing because I'm numb, one moment I'm hurt the next I try to use logic to understand why this is all ok, and the next I'm completely heart broken because someone asked me to trust him, someone asked me to marry him and that same someone couldn't make it out to me because after he lost his friend he lost himself and hasn't been able to get back to a place of inner happiness and inner peace and to be honest I'm done trying as I cannot make anyone that isn't happy be happy just by being there, or doing what he needs so that he can be happy. Being someone's significant other doesn't mean making that person happy, or being the reason they are happy; it means making their happy life happier. I'm sorry I couldn't make his life happier, I'm sorry he hurt me and I'm sorry that I won't have him in my life anymore, but I'm not sorry that I'm back in CO and that I did what I needed to do for me. Life is hard, life is just hard!
No comments:
Post a Comment