Red flags are a real thing!

Dear Journal - 

I have so many journals that I have not published, mainly because they were very personal journal entries that I wrote whenever I was going through stuff with my ex (Chino) that's not his real name.  Anyway, he died (to me, not in real life) so I have decided to start posting things I wrote through out the 4 years I spent with him.  

I'm still very deeply hurt and emotional about this and definitely not over it all, however, when I look back at my journals I realize that I should of let go of this person over two years ago, yet I stayed because for some reason I thought that I could make things better, and that I would beat the odds, but mostly, I didn't want to fail at yet another relationship.  It's hard accepting the hard truth sometimes.  

Today marks a month that we broke up and today I felt ok.  Time really does heal wounds.  I have to believe that and I have to read these old journals to remind myself that it's ok to fail and it's ok to want to try and it's ok to give chances, but it's also important to know your self worth and to love yourself. If I don't love myself, then how will I ever love someone else?

I also want to make this post public because sometimes I talk to people and they tell me how they are still in or how they stayed in relationships even when they deep down always knew it wasn't right or that the person they were with didn't acknowledge or cared enough about them to work on it with them.  I also want to share these because I'm in the process of letting go and putting this on here makes everything REAL! this is my journal my life and I'm not embarrassed to share these things because I'm not the only human being that goes through these things and I'm done hiding and even more so, I'm done hiding things from others and myself as if I did something wrong.  

It takes two to tango! additionally, all these entries just show red flags left and right but when you are in it, you just don't want to see it! It blows my mind how I felt this way almost 3 years ago and felt this way right until the very end, FOUR YEARS WASTED!

This journal entry was originally written on August 12, 2017 @7:08 p.m. on my iPhone notes. 

I don't know how I'm supposed to move on from something that is so difficult and I'm supposed to be ok and if I'm not he gets mad at me like I'm the one that did something wrong? 

Like how am I supposed to do that and when is this feeling going to go away or is it ever going to go away? Cause I don't want to live like this I really don't, I feel sick to my stomach anxious and just plain bad. 

What is going on in my world? What the FUCK! Not only do you do something SO fucked up, but then you expect me to be ok and act like you didn't just fuck me over like I didn't mean anything to him! Fuck this, I'm done feeling like shit because of him.

I'll leave you with......... Tears on my pillow