Repeated stories

Dear journal -

I said in a previous post that I was going to post old journals that I had written in the past but never posted.  Tonight I went through my iPhone's notepad where I had written them, and chose the journal below that I wrote on Oct. 17, 2017.

What I noticed from reading these posts was that my relationship had the same theme, by that I mean that I complained about the same things for 3 years.  I don't know why I kept trying to fight a loosing battle.  I guess love is such a strong thing that you do so much even when you know deep down in your heart you will ultimately fail, or maybe I didn't have enough faith or I didn't turn the negatives into positives? Regardless, it doesn't matter anymore, I'm posting all of this because I am 100 percent sure that this relationship is over for good.  

I can slowly breath again and be me again, while it still feels sad everyday, there have been a few days where I'm not thinking about it non-stop and that to me is a HUGE deal, because it means I'm slowly moving on.  It does really help that my ex doesn't speak to me anymore, apparently I was the bad one and that works, as long as he leaves me alone I'm good, so this is probably the best thing that can be happening to me right now, and while it's hurtful, it's not! does that even make sense?  

I feel good enough to stay home and chill and not feel any type of way, I'm feeling like myself again, like I'm coming up from under a deep grave that I had buried myself under.  It's so weird and I want to journal this because I want to come back and read these things and feel the way I do when I read stuff about Benjamin Nunez, the one who inspired me to start this journal, the one who also hurt me but in a very different way.  Below is the journal entry I want to share.......

Written on October 17, 2017.........

I don't know what to do or think anymore, I'm scared that he might leave after all, and if he does, what will happen to me? I don't know me without him anymore, it's so scary to think of him not being in my life. However, I'm scared with him in my life also, because of everything that has happened.

I don't know how to act or be, because I don't want to mess anything up; I feel as if I have to act like I'm totally fine when I'm not, I'm scared. I guess the only thing I can do is stick to my word, I told him I support whatever he decides and the truth is that I do. 

When you truly love someone you want them to be happy, that is the definition of true love, loving someone selflessly. This is my test, and I hope that no matter what, I pass it with flying colors. 

Last night he mentioned California again, it's still part of his plan, so as part of mine I need to start letting go, to start enjoying life without him there, because that's what I did once upon a time, I enjoyed life without him in it. Who was I back then? A year and 3 months ago today I was someone that he was impressed by, but now I'm Someone who has all sorts of faults, he no longer sees me in the long run in the future and yet one day he couldn't imagine the future without me. 

I'm so scared, but whatever the universe decides for me, I'm sure there is something greater out there that's coming, and this is only a preparation for that, so I have to let life be! I have to love me before I can truly love you.