Dear Journal -
I originally wrote this post on my phone on 3/20. I had been meaning to post it but had not had a chance. I went on vacation to Hawaii and it was truly lovely! It was so nice to spend some time with my two kids and really missed my oldest son who was not able to join us. I really liked Hawaii and I may go back one day to a different Island (I went to Honolulu) but it was quite pricey. I also have been to other beautiful islands one which is in Colombia, where I could enjoy the same type of things, but way cheaper. Non the less, I don't regret my trip! I have wanted to go to Hawaii ever since I can remember knowing about it, which I want to say was when I was about 10 or 11 years old, that is a pretty long time! I would always say, that one day I would have my honeymoon in Hawaii! well, I didn't have a honeymoon in Hawaii, but that is ok! because I had a lovely time with the people I love most in this world!
Anyway, on Sunday, 3/20 I wrote the following post. Let's say, I was feeling a lot of things on that day, one of those feelings was disappointment and hurt and maybe a little deceived. I was flooded with so many emotions, so I did what I do when I need to release all those thing, I grabbed my phone and wrote!
Sometimes you tell yourself lies to stay in situations you know aren’t right or you know that you aren’t being treated right because I don’t know, sometimes it's easier to lie to yourself than to be brutally honest with ourselves because the truth can often be pretty scary or very hurtful. A lot of times, you see things clearly or the signs are very clear, but you can't handle the truth because you want so bad in your heart to believe that people's intentions are as genuine as yours, or that people are not out to hurt you. While I have very serious deep trust issues (which I will be working on with my therapist) sometimes, I believe that people are out to get me and it isn't my fault and I don't do it on purpose, but in my heart and soul, this is what I believe and I cannot tell you how difficult it is to live with this constant fear and constantly talk yourself through it because it is almost an impediment to my happiness and it causes me so much anxiety and pain and it is the hardest thing to live with!
Journal, I told you I got a new therapist on my last post, I knew that I needed to work through some things and that I was really struggling, so I finally made the call and made the appointment and started my sessions. It is also part of my love myself March! She is not just a therapist she is actually a Dr. therefore, she has expertise in certain mental health disorders, I have only met with her 2X and I can already tell that she knows her stuff! she’s pretty amazing in those two meetings, I have already gained a wealth of knowledge!
The other day I was talking to her about a situation where I was feeling used and just felt like I wasn’t being treated the way that I wanted and deserved, not because this individual was doing anything mean or anything like that, but because I had repeatedly asked this person for one very what I thought was a simple thing and I just wasn't getting it. I told her about the situation, I told her that there was an individual I have always been really honest and sincere with, I have always tried my best to keep this situation in a place where I can control my emotions about it (well maybe not in the beginning as I would often be pretty mean) but since the beginning of this year I had been working on trying really hard to be honest with myself as well as this person because I feel very connected to this individual.
I guess I can say that since this person and I started to hang out together, I've always asked for the same thing over and over again, which has basically been, I need better communication between us, however, no matter in which way I have asked, my request has fallen upon death ears. So I was telling my therapist the story and after I told her this I began to justify why maybe this person didn't communicate with me the way I wanted and as I was coming up with a million different reason why I thought this person was doing this, she stopped me and asked me, what is true about this you just told me? What is true about this situation? For a moment, I felt really sad and I had to stop for a second and hold back my tears as I had to be honest to myself and to her. My response to her was, "the truth is, this person doesn’t care enough to do what I’m asking" and with that my heart dropped and my tears rolled down my eyes, because I had to say it out loud and that truth really hurt me! The truth is this person doesn't want to communicate with me, because there have been times that this person has no trouble doing so, but it is usually done, when this person feels like it. I also told her that it is my experience that when someone genuinely likes you, they want to talk to you, so you don’t even have to ask for it, and yet, I’ve asked time after time and nothing ever changed.
After having this realization and finishing my session with her I kept asking myself what is true about this situation with this person, and the more I thought about what was true the more I felt sad and the more I felt used and the more I felt deceived and the more I saw the reality that has been in front of me for months! I had just literally mentioned to this person a few days before writing this post, that this is what I needed and 3 days had gone by and I had not even gotten a "hey, how was your day" and the one time I reached out to this person because they were like, well you can reach out to me too, I barely got a response like I don't know 8 hours later maybe. The thing is, that I know this person well enough to know now, that when this person feels like it, they respond, they reach out, but mostly it's when it's a means to an end, in other words, we are going to see each other and hang out, other than that, this person just doesn't have time for me. So I guess, I need to remove this option from his life, because well, I am pretty darn awesome and anyone who has the privilege of partaking in my life, should want to know how I'm doing all the time, the fact that I had to keep asking for this, makes me feel so stupid! I feel like I have been begging for someone's affection, because this someone says they care about me! and I'm sure that they do care about me, I'm not saying this person is doing things on purpose to hurt me, but I think this person cares about me as a person, not in a romantic way the way I care about them.
As part of love myself March, I had told myself that I needed to not just state that I love myself but really mean it! Truly hold myself and tell myself that I’m worth it! That I’m a pretty cool woman to have around, that I’m honest and loving and caring and that I don’t play with anyone or try to be malicious or lead anyone on, I try to be true to people and myself. I feel that I did just that during the whole time that this person and I were hanging out. From day 1 I was honest. I felt that this person was not honest with me though. I’m sure this person enjoyed my company and that it was cool having me around but I don't think this person has been true to themselves or me, with their true intentions and actually, we spoke and this person called me their escape. Yup, that is what every woman wants! to be someone's escape!
So I finally decided that I couldn’t continue to lie to myself about something I already know. I am not mad at this individual, but I am sad, because I feel that I have been led on by this individual for a really long time and at one point I didn't care so much, but when I'm calling someone who I'm not in a relationship with and asking them where they were as if I am owed an explanation, all of a sudden I'm my own red flag! I literally called this individual and without a thought, the words came out of my mouth and as they were coming out, all I could think of was...... WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING I MY WORLD!!!!
This individual and I had literally had a conversation about this same exact thing not even two weeks before, where this individual apologized to me saying that we should be communicating more so that there are no like, weird feelings where I'm thinking things that are not true, like just having this mutual respect for one another because whether we are in a relationship or not, there are feelings involved and you just don't go around treating people like they don't matter! so yea, maybe I am not the right person for this individual and it is such a bummer! I have to admit I have been feeling really down about all of this, but at least now I know, what is true!
As much as my heart aches at least I am being true to myself and I am not allowing for someone to continue to play with my emotions and drag me along to continue to be their escape until which time they find whatever it is they are truly seeking for out there! to bad it wasn't me! is it their loss? is it my loss? I don't know, all I know is that it's hard to have this person in my life and maybe even harder not too! I can't make up my mind. But I do know this, I deserve someone that knows that I'm the person they want to message everyday to see how I'm doing, I deserve to be treated with love and treated like a queen! because I am a queen! I take care of the people that matter to me, and I want to feel that I matter to someone enough for them to take care of me too! so yea journal, sad end to the month of March!
I think for the month of April, I will continue to practice loving myself and staying true to myself, I got on dating sites again but inactivated them because one person doesn't replace another, I need to heal a little from this experience as it has taken a toll on me, I guess I can say this person was my rebound and I don't want to find a rebound to get over my rebound, that just seems ridiculous! I want to take care of Jazzy, so that if and when the right person comes along, I am not the hot mess writing this post.
The end.....
I will leave you with...... Sia - Elastic Heart
The Weekend.....I feel it coming.....
Sent from Jazzy’s iPhone
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