Dear Journal -
It's been a few weeks I know! I've been so busy with work last week there were a few nights I worked until really late. My friend D always makes fun of me and says things like.... Well if you didn't start working at 10 then you wouldn't have to work until 10! but the truth is that I typically start working at around 8 am and sometimes work until 10pm. I might not sit at my desk the whole time, but on average I would say I work about 60 hours a week! gotta do what you gotta do, what else can I say about that? I don't mind for the most part honestly, because I get to make my own schedule and work at my leisure and I know what I need to do and do it. I work with people and people are unpredictable so on a daily basis I don't know what I'll be walking into. Sure I can have a "plan" but sometimes my plan doesn't go as planned, so I just have to always go with the flow and do as best as I can.
So, what do I have to report journal? well, for starters, I have been talking to my friend Lee a whole lot lately! today, he got to watch as I crawled up this slippery swampy dirt trail that I had to climb in order to get out of where I was because the trail I was on, ended by the water and the only way I could get to the water was if slid down this slippery dirt steep trail, it was a whole thing and he laughed saying that I was crazy! I freaking LOVE my friends! I genuinely don't know what I would do without the amazing people I have the privilege and pleasure of knowing! Lee and I have known each other for over 10 years probably way longer than that. When I lived in NY since we worked together and most of that time I was single, I would always go to him with boy troubles. Sometimes I would call his office and be like.... Yes I'm calling for a therapy appointment can you stop by my desk at your earliest convenience? and he would come by when he could and we would gossip! and laugh a whole lot! It was awesome! I definitely miss those days!
He and I have been talking a lot lately because he is going through some stuff with someone he really cares about and I've been his shoulder and I am now the therapist which is great to be the one giving advice for once! He and I always have really great conversations and support each other through difficult times. I was telling him today that I have been crying a whole lot lately and he asked me why? and I told him that I was very confused about a situation that I thought I could handle but really quickly realized that I couldn't and that I had been feeling really down lately. I told him that there are days that I really miss my ex, because when I had him in my life and I was going through hard things, he would always hold me and let me cry on him and tell me it would be ok! He would always say, baby I got you! and just knowing that he had my back always made me feel better. Lately, I have been going through a lot and it just felt really lonely and like no one has my back, so I have been feeling really down.
My therapist asked me the other day if I knew what I wanted in a man and I told her I had never really sat down to think about it, but today while I was sitting by the water after sliding down the muddy steep trail literally on my butt, I took some time to reflect and think about what it is that I want in a man and I wrote a BUNCH of things down! I hope there is someone out there with all the requirements I put down on my list! that shit is LONG!!! ha! I think though that a major requirement is, that this person shouldn't make me cry more than he makes me laugh! and sure, I am a cry baby not gonna lie, however, if someone is constantly hurting your feelings making you feel shitty or causing you some sort of emotional turmoil, it's probably better to stay away as far away from that person as humanly possible!
I don't know journal, I just feel like I'm going through some major changes, I feel like I might be starting to (dare I say it) go through menopause YIKES! the last time I was tested for it, I was told that I wasn't yet, but that was 2 years ago, so I don't know, my emotions are like a roller coaster that has gone crazy and keeps looping! I do have to admit that most of my emotional turmoil has to do with me not knowing what it is that I truly want as far as romance is concerned, like one minute I am so happy to be single, the next I'm crying because no one has my back. I decided today after my hike that I need to make an appointment to find out if I'm dying or starting menopause because I can't live like this, it's so miserable! I don't ever get hot flashes or any of that stuff though, if anything I'm always cold! like really cold! so I don't know what is happening to me and I just wish I had someone that would hold me and say "don't worry baby, I got your back!."
I got back on dating sites and set all types of parameters on my "requirements" so I highly doubt that Mr. night in shinning armor will fall on my lap any time soon, but you never know! I always have this fantasy that I'm going to meet my next boyfriend on a trail, since I plan on doing a trail every single Sunday until it's warm enough to do another 14'er the thought of hiking 6 to 7 hours to reach the peak of a mountain gets me overly anxious but super excited! I just feel like one day I will get to the top of the mountain and there he will be! THE MAN OF MY DREAMS! maybe it's time I decide what "the man of my dreams" is to me so I can actually find him? It may be a bit hard to find something but not know what it is your a seeking! BUT fear not journal! I have at least created a LONG list! cause you have to start somewhere!!!
I guess even with all these emotionally draining days that I have been going through as of late, I can honestly say that I am pretty happy all in all! I want a boyfriend, but I don't NEED one, so in the meantime I guess I just have to continue to enjoy dating, maybe actually go on dates, get some free meals, remind myself not to talk with my mouth full during the date and enjoy this spring and summer as much as I can!
Oh, one last thing journal, one of the trainers at my boxing club is HOT!! no like for real HOT! I decided never to take his class again because the few times he's come to me to like spot me (I think that is the term) I get so nervous and I feel really awkward! I don't typically crush over anyone, BUT...I looked up his bio on the website for our gym and found out that not only is he HOT but he is also highly educated and probably super nerdy! OMG!!! smart, nerdy men make me go crazy!
without anything else to report..... I will leave you with..
Pretty Brown Eyes - By Mint Condition
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