Tell me lies!

 How are thou Journal!

I've been thinking much about you in hopes of telling you lots and lots of wonderful stories but I'm afraid that my life simply isn't that marvelous! Let's see! since last I poured words on to you, there haven't been many things to report.  I have been living vicariously through my son who is currently traveling all over Europe and will continue to do so for the next few months! OH! how I wish that were me! just up and go with a bag and travel all over the world! I used to always say that had I've been a man, I would likely be a wonderer sort of like the Winchester brothers or Hulk! just going from city to city finding new adventures, meeting new people and having new romances with all the beautiful women who would give me the time of day.  But, I often talk to my son and when we talk he seems to be sad, like these travels don't fulfill him, so I often wonder are we (us humans) just never satisfied? it doesn't see so, I mean sure there are those few souls that are I won't say that there aren't the few genuinely happy people, but I do feel that in general for the most part we always seek more.

When I was with my ex I once told him that I always felt like there was something missing, like all the time, I often felt that there was some emptiness within me that no matter what I did it often lingered.  He never could understand my true crazy, I know that he would try, but now thinking back I feel that the void I felt and still feel, is that of there is someone out there that I need to meet and some way some how this other human in some magical way will fill this void I have had in my soul for so long! OR is this void I've felt for so long simply called depression? I don't know yet, I am still working on me on discovering what is happening to me and how can I continue moving forward without completely loosing my wits! 

I went to Nebraska this past weekend! I had a lovely time with one of my closest friends from NYC, she currently lives in NE and it was so great to see her and for our daughters to meet.  While they are both completely different they got along really well and this really pleased me.  On my way back from Nebraska I began to feel really really sad, I don't quite know why or maybe deep in my heart I do, but I'm not sure that I am ready to share why so openly.  I did talk to my therapist about it today and she gave me some validation which made me feel so much better! that woman is amazing, I feel lucky to have such an amazing professional helping me through this difficult time where I don't even understand why it's so difficult! if you don't have a therapist you should get one at once!

Lastly, I was talking to my friend Lee and he was again telling me about the woman he has been seeing and all the crazy going on in his life with this woman and I just totally lost my shit and started going off about how some women where so ungrateful and how she didn't even know what she has and I almost wanted to call her and be like bitch.... are you fucking kidding me??? this woman is almost 10 years older than my friend and it blows my mind how she plays all sorts of games with his mind! like hey, if you don't want what he wants then stop leading my friend on and let him go because guess  what, there are over a million women in NYC that would do ANYTHING for a man like him! I mean yes she doesn't know him like I do so obviously it's different, but I get so mad sometimes at how some women have the opportunity to have this great guy in their life and they don't appreciate it, and yet here I am I barely ask for much and I can't even find someone to be genuine with me about their intentions! UGH! makes my blood boil! Anyway, at one point I told him the least she could do is tell him a little white lie so he could at least get some closure.  Yes, sometimes it's better to tell me lies I feel like, because if they are told in order to not hurt me, then sure, I'll take them! tell me sweet little lies because you appreciate me as a human and don't want to hurt my feelings!

I also went on a date! OMG! after the date I deleted Tinder! I just can't! I do not want to invest time in anyone but myself! I go and meet this 40 year old man for a beer and he tells me that him and his significant other broke up a few months ago and they still work together! OH GREAT! I would LOVE to be your rebound! ugh! I mean we had a nice time talking but to be quite honest the moment I saw him I knew that I would not go past this date, I am very shallow yes! I HAVE to feel attracted to someone to keep hanging out with them, that's just a fact! so yea, we had a pleasant time.  He is a photographer and he messages me the next day and asks me if I would feel comfortable doing a nude photo shoot and he would pay me! What the actual fuck! I told him I was flattered but no thank you! I swear journal these things literally only happen to me! fuck meeting people I need to work on me, I can't deal with "getting to know" anyone right now! honestly fuck people, that's just how I'm feeling right now! bitter much Jazzy???

I will leave you with - Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac