Jazzy's SOCIAL EXPERIMENT! LYING CONNIVING BI$CH!

A month ago yesterday, I went to my friends wedding in Omaha, Nebraska.  While I was there, I met someone really cool.  At first I didn't really think much of it, but shortly after talking to him and getting to know him, I developed a feeling of loyalty to him.  I always try to be honest with everyone I meet, because this is who I am.  I am Jazzy and those who know me and know me well, will usually pronounce Jazzy, with a loving tone.

From the beginning I was honest with this guy about a lot of things.  But as it has been happening for some years now, soon after I started to get to know him I also felt this sense of fear.  I am a woman who has been through 2 ridiculous marriages, both which were not based on love.  I guess it's safe to say at this point, that I have not had the best of luck in the love department.  After my last marriage I fell in love with someone almost immediately and that was probably the worst heart break of my life.  So, what can I say other then, I am afraid to get hurt.  I don't feel bad about this too much, because I have a feeling that many people are afraid to getting hurt, because getting hurt really really sucks! 


I started to really enjoy the conversations I was having with this fine man from Nebraska and all of a sudden that fear came over me.  The fear I am about to describe, only comes over me when I really like someone, I always know if I like someone or if I don't based on this fear factor.  


I have met countless people in the last few years, but I can honestly count in one hand how many of them I actually liked.  Part of the reason why it was really hard for me to like anyone, was based on the fact that I was loyal to my feelings for the man I loved.  This made it very difficult for me to really give people a chance.  In addition to that, I am really picky and know very specific what I like and what I am looking for in a man.  So one day, I actually sat down and wrote down all the things I wanted.  In reality, I know that no one is perfect nor will I find the exact description of my dream man, but at least now after all these years, I have a basis to go by.

I am really scared of commitment, the very thought of it makes me nauseas.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that one day, when I realized how much I liked someone, I literally felt claustrophobic and like throwing up.  With regards to this man that I met in Nebraska, there were a few times that I felt that way simply due to the fact that I was starting to feel this sense of loyalty to him.  However, whenever those crazy nauseas feelings would come, I would simply dismiss them and tell myself that I needed to give people a chance.  I guess the fact that he was in another state made it feel safe, I am not sure.

This past Saturday night, I went by myself to a local bar because I just wanted to have a drink and maybe make some friends in my neighborhood.   I entered the bar and sat down and the handsome male waiter asked me what I wanted.  I asked him for a beer and when I payed him and tried to tip him, he tells me to keep my money. He then proceeds to talk to me and starts to sort of flirt.  Being the natural flirt that I am, I begin chatting it up with him.   At one point, he walks away and when he returns, I am on my phone texting a my friend and he says to me.  "You can't possibly be texting me?" So I respond "no I can not, I do not have your number" Immediately after those words came out of my mouth, I felt like a lying fake.  I felt like I was cheating on the person in Nebraska.  Lucky for me however, a few minutes after those words were exchanged a fight broke out outside and the bartender knew the people so he excused himself and went to see what was happening.  I have to admit that I felt a sense of relief about the whole thing and as soon as he went outside, I also left.

Later on that night I spoke to my new friend from  Nebraska who got upset at me for something he thought I had done that I had not.  When he expressed his anger about the situation I felt this almost attachment to him, it felt like, why am I feeling these things? who am I to this man? who is this man to me? Why is he so upset? what do I do now? I don't know how this works?  


The next day after going over what had happened the night before in my head, I decided that I needed to ask the scary question.  So I asked him if he could please tell me what he wanted from me.  Soon after my question, I found out that what he wanted was clearly not me.  I sort of felt that the incident from the night before, might have caused his confusion, but I am not sure.  I figured that had he trusted in me and in himself that he was worth it to me, then maybe he would of handled the situation in a different manner.  

Still, after the whole situation, his actions not his words cleared my suspicion of him no longer being interested in me.  And soon after that, he told me that I was insecure.  Needles to say, I felt like crap.  I felt like I had just broken up with my boyfriend of a month.  I lost my appetite, I felt disgusted in myself, I felt like yet another person had taken away a little piece of me.  So I went to work feeling a sense of sadness and loss and thinking to myself.....another one bites the dust! 


What gives? What is wrong with me? What's happening? Where did I go wrong? In trying to answer all these questions I realized that maybe it wasn't me, maybe it was them.  Yet I am sick and tired of feeling this way, I don't want to be bothered.  I don't want to give my affection to people that don't really want it.  Yes, I shouldn't take it personal that I am not what someone is looking for, but then I think, so why do they waste my time and theirs? I always try to be clear, I always give people the options.  What the hell is going on in my life???


After feeling like crap all morning, I send my friend Sean a txt message and he says he is sorry to hear that, Sean is my friend who knows all that I go through.  He is awesome! and as I'm talking to him I think to myself.....  Hey, I had no plans in meeting anyone in Nebraska, I went there to have fun and I did and whatever.  My plans for this summer was to have fun.  Ok, so maybe I met someone I really liked who decided he didn't want to continue to pursue me, so what? it happens let it go! feel the loss and move on.  Of course this is way easier said then done, but I have to try right? right?

And then I started thinking about two summers ago when I had posted an AD on  Craigslist, and how I had met so many guys, none that I actually liked but still, I had so much fun just meeting all these interesting individuals.  And like a light bulb, my idea began to take form in my mind.  Why don't I have fun this last summer of my 30's?! So here it is, my master plan for a fun filled summer 2011! 


I have decided to post an ad on CL to find "someone special" except that in doing so, I am not going to be myself.  Instead, I decided that I am going to "change my game up" which game you ask? Well the game I don't have! DUH! I have absolutely no game clearly! this is why these things happen to me, because I always act myself, give myself, act sincere and true.  I have no game because I don't believe in playing games "I ALWAYS keep it real" THAT'S THE PROBLEM! I am Jazzy the mother, the student, the loving person.  So when I say I'm going to "change it up" I mean I am going to actually play "the game" except this game is going to be a horrible one.

Why am I doing this? Well for starters, I seriously believe that men are intimidated by women who are assertive and know what they want.  They are intimidated by a woman that doesn't "need them" in addition, if they don't have to chase you to get into your pants, they loose complete interest.  


I know within the first 5minutes of meeting someone if I will sleep with him or not.  I am a bit shallow that way, but that's the truth.  So, because I know this I don't allow men to chase me because If I'm not interested, I won't budge.  In addition, as I said before, the ones I do like start out going strong and then back down.  Clearly I am doing something wrong.

What are my plans then? Well I want to do this experiment for a few reasons.  One, I am self exploring to see how far I can take a lie? how far can I go?  I have always been honest with men and it has gotten me absolutely NO WHERE!.  And second, I want to play the role of a needy woman, I want to see if men react differently when I act like I really really "need someone to take care of me."  I want to lie about my age because no one ever thinks I'm the age that I am.  And lastly, I want to see how far a man is willing to chase to get into my pants. 


This is my experiment.  It isn't ethical, it isn't very nice, it's morally incorrect.  To my defense however, men lie and cheat all the time, I'm only doing to them, what they have probably done to someone like me.  The real me.  So you are welcomed to come with me on my experiment.  Below are my rules to myself that I have to follow.

But first, am I scared? I have never been so afraid in my life! Do I think I will be able to go though with it? I have absolutely no idea.  Am I scared that I will get caught up in my own game? Yes I am! but, I have to do it.  I need to prove my theories cause that's how I roll.


RULES FOR JAZZY!


1. ABSOLUTELY NO SEX! - why? well the whole point is to see how far a man will go and what they will do to get into my pants.


2. I cannot discriminate - My preference when it comes to men is white men.  This time I have to give all men a fair chance.


3. I can't be me at all, I am someone else.


4. I am not allowed to go to a bar with any of these people - Only coffee when meeting them and then take it from there.


5. If they have children, If it gets far, I cannot meet their children they cannot meet mine (in real life I don't allow people to meet my children)


6. I cannot go to their house nor can they come to mine.  I have to always come up with excuses.  The point to this is to see how far a man will chase (to get into my pants).


7.  I cannot kiss them until the 3rd or 4th date if it gets that far.


8. These men must all be over the age of 30 I CANNOT talk to any one under that age.


9. I have to act like a damsel in distress, meaning I have to act like I am a needy woman that can't take care of herself I need a man to "take care of me"


And there you have it..........LET THE SUMMER GAME BEGIN!

Barry White - You're the first, my last, my everything

I'm not sure if I should be depressed about the fact that I listen to this song and no one comes to mind.  I guess when that person comes into my life, I will most certainly have to dedicate this song to him.......

OneRepublic - Stop And Stare

LOVE THIS SONG......

HOW JAZZY GOT HER GROOVE BACK!

Man, I have thought about writing this post for so long and I am so excited to finally write it, that I am sort of stuck on how to actually start.  I guess the best way to start it is to tell you that this is sort of part two, to the post that I wrote on Saturday http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-sex-drugs.html which was about my young friend the one who was just shy of being half my age.


This is about my experience with someone else who was half my age, yet he TRULY changed me in a very positive way.  I can't even begin to describe the love that I feel for him.  But my love for him is not that of I'm in love with you will you be my boyfriend or can you be with me, my love for him is more like OMG! your such an ABSOLUTELY AMAZING MAN! why couldn't you be my age! 


Unlike my other young friend who I immediately found attractive when I first saw him, this story is very different and it goes a little something like this.......


Day one of my Fall of 2010 semester, I enter the classroom where I will be spending the next few months learning about politics a subject I have ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN! however, I have to take the class because it is a requirement towards my degree.  So I walk in and I see this cute kid and I decide well, I'll sit near him because at least it's something nice to look at throughout the semester.  When I saw him I thought he was cute but like a kid cute like the way I think of my son.  Like awwww he's so adorable.  He was tall, slender with the rosiest cheeks you have ever seen.  His eyes were round and big and he always had a smile.  We were asked to form groups and when he turned around to talk to me and he opened his mouth to talk, I thought to myself.  No wonder he's so pretty! he's gay.  Until this day, he does not know that, that was my very first impression of him.  And well, I guess he never will because we no longer speak.  But once he spoke and the class started I immediately felt very comfortable being in his group.  I wasn't sure anymore if he was gay or not, but at this point I figured he would become one of my good classmates.


After class that day, we start walking and talking and I just felt this sense of comfort with him, it was just so normal to talk to him like If I had known him forever.  Once we start talking about things other then the class work, I realized that he was far from being gay, he was actually a bit of a player.  He was just simply a cutie who I had judged and thought he was gay, based on the fact that he was so  handsome.   After that day we became friends.  I started telling him all my boy drama and he would just listen and then we would laugh about stuff and it was just simply AWESOME! it turned out that not only was he in one of my classes, he was also in my only other class that I had as well.


One day I came into class pretty upset, because since my FB page is public I had gotten on it, a comment from a girl who's ex boyfriend I was sort of seeing.  Him and I were not really serious but she thought that we were and instead of asking a question to me like an adult women should if she has some sort of concern about her man or ex or whatever he was to her.  She wrote something and I was a bit annoyed about it so I get to class and I start telling my new found friend (who I will continue for the rest of this post to refer to as 'MAGIC') I told Magic about it and showed him the email I had sent her.  After he read it  we just laughed really hard and then I told him that the guy was a jerk and that I wasn't going to talk to him again and how he had called me fat.  


After I told him what had happened, Magic made me feel better just by laughing with me about the whole stupid situation.  This man not Magic but the other guy the one who had just named called me was a grown man, yet he acted like a kid.  And Magic told me not to sweat it and through out the class we kept laughing about it.  That evening when I get home, I get a txt message from him with a picture of himself wearing a tee that had a Silhouette dancing on a pole and the tee shirt read.....I support single moms.  And his txt message read, you are not fat, you really look like this.  As I am writing this, tears are filling my eyes, because I miss him so much.  When I read this I'm like WTF! is this kid coming on to me??? so I'm like OMG! he's so handsome and awesome! I can't even believe he would look at me in that way! OMG! he is LITERALLY half my age FML!


Why is he awesome you ask? well, I love an intelligent man and Magic is extremely intelligent.  So much so, that he was skipped a grade in HS.  I once told him he was an under cover nerd and that was sexy as hell! Not only is he intelligent, but he is funny and hard working and kind and generous and just all the qualities that to me, make a great man.  But of course I have to snap to reality and not allow myself to think of Magic in a romantic way, yet after his revelation to me I allowed myself to consider that possibility.  So for the next few days I'm like OMG! not this again! No LEAVE THAT ALONE! girl you must be crazy! This kid is young enough to be your child, OMG! that's disgusting! just forget about it.


But when it was time for class and I was around Magic, the feelings I felt were simply MAGICAL! when I was around him I felt alive, I felt good about myself, we could never laugh enough, we could never talk about enough things.  Time would pass and all we would do was talk.  We talked about everything from History to Politics to family to children to cloths to friendships to life to souls to everything and anything you can possibly imagine.  I told him my sorrows and he told me his.  The energy we felt around each other was incredible.  When we were around each other all you saw in our faces was smiles.Our connection was a complete one it was just MAGICAL! 


One day we sat in McDonald's which was probably in the last 4 years one of the best dates I have had and after taking a bite of my burger, I couldn't control my urge so I leaned over and kissed him.  What else can I say about our kiss other then well...... MAGICAL! For the next few weeks we were so extremely happy.  We talked everyday and we just felt so comfortable it was as if I had been with him before.  We didn't hold back to tell each other anything.  In addition, I kissed him more then I have kissed anyone else in the last 4 years.  We could not stop kissing it was just so wonderful.  The kisses we shared were always special to me.  I felt like a HS girl, he reminded me of what love was like, how beautiful it could be, how innocent and wonderful life could be.  He brought out the very best person in me and I brought out the very best person in him.  


One day, I thought about the movie How Stella got Her Groove back and I told him about it.  At this point we were just talking and kissing but things felt awkward, because I knew in my heart, that I could not allow this to go on.  My judgement of our age difference and his judgement of our age difference started to take over what we were feeling and one day we decided that we could not do this anymore and that we were going to go back to just being friends so, NO MORE KISSING.  I was torn but I love him so much as my friend, that I wanted only that and that was enough.  


One day after we had decided no more kissing, we went to get a drink and I had one to many so when we were going to say goodbye to each other I went to kiss him on the lips but at that moment I wasn't thinking of sticking my tongue down his throat I just wanted to give him a tap kiss and when I did that, he pulled back and said.   Your not my girl I don't want to kiss you.  All of a sudden, in that moment I realized how beautiful this whole situation was and how beautiful he was.  I realized that not everyone is the same and that his innocence about life and relationships was the reason why I was so attracted to him.  He reminded me of how things can be so beautiful and perfect and how as we get older and get burnt over and over and over again, we start to give up on all those beautiful things that we can feel over and over again if we find the right person.  


I was shocked but touched and I apologized to him and left.  After that day I couldn't be his friend I didn't know how to because it was really really hard.  So many other things happened after that, which I don't want to get into.  But basically we stopped talking and then a few months later started talking again and then we stopped talking again because to be honest, it got to a point where I could honestly say that I would of just said the hell with the world and their judgments of us and let's just enjoy our life.  But he was not ready for that and so we are no longer speaking.  


After having that experience all of a sudden I finally realized that I did want a boyfriend, something I wasn't sure about before.  He told me that the movie how Stella Got Her Groove back, was about her wanting a relationship.  I didn't want a relationship for a really really long time I know this.  But after sharing all those meaningful kisses with Magic, I realized that meaningful kisses are way better then useless one's.  


After having had this experience with him, I was so devastated that I decided I did not want to have anything to do with men.  I stopped dating, talking to men and I just focused on the things I had to.  I didn't want to be bothered.  I have been alone for a long time and having shared this experience with this wonderful young man.  Made me realize that having someone special is really a wonderful thing.  He helped me move on from the man that I had been in love with for years, because meeting him and getting to know him made me realize that there are so many amazing human beings out there.  He made reminded me of how as we get older we start judging situations and we start to build all kinds of ideas about how life "should be" and we forget how good it "can be" Sometimes we get so stuck on the past and on the hurt that people have caused us so much so, that we fail to see those which are sometimes put in our paths, for maybe something wonderful. 


For so long, I was so stuck on this other person that had hurt me to the point that I did not want to ever love again and then along comes Magic to remind me that things CAN be magical if we let them.  Only if we give people a chance can we really know.  I know now that it is ok to give people a chance.  And even if I don't find someone to have a meaningful relationship with tomorrow or next month or even next year or 5 years from now.  At least I know now that it CAN HAPPEN! that there will be others that will make me feel the magic only if I allow them too.  Magic helped me to get my "relationship groove back" by him not kissing me that night, I knew that he cared for me as a person he liked me for me and he was not going to use me.  


Although Magic was never my boyfriend and although he and I are no longer friends.  I finally know what I want.  I know now that I don't want to just give away my valuable kisses.  I want to give them to someone special.  And maybe on the road to that someone special I will undoubtedly have to kiss some toads, but that is ok.  Because at least I will know how far to go with each toad that enters my life.  And although I am still terrified, having had shared what I did with Magic will always remind me that in life, there are many many wonderful magical people.  And that my magical man is out there somewhere kissing all the wrong girls.  I know this for sure....




THANK YOU MAGIC!

Pink - Raise Your Glass (Official Explicit Version & Lyrics)

CALL ME UP IF YOU A GANGSTA..... LOVE IT

WALLS

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” ~ Anonymous...


I love this quote.  Because I have met many people that have walls around them, and what I have realized about these people and even myself, is that we do this sometimes because we are afraid.  


I'm always afraid, I have been hurt many times.  But I have to believe that one day, someone will come into my life and knock the walls right down.  And all will be good.

HOLD FAST TO DREAMS

I absolutely LOVE the poem below.  For without dreams and goals, what would our lives be? We would be a bunch of fools running through life without course.  Everything we need in life is put in our paths, it is up to us to pick and choose which things are right for us and which things are wrong.  Along the way we make mistakes, but as long as we know where we are going or what our dreams are then we can get up, dust off and continue on that course.


So I always say, HOLD FAST TO DREAMS! dare to dream, we all have the ability to make our dreams a reality.....


HOLD FAST TO DREAMS BY: LANGSTON HUGHES


HOLD FAST TO DREAMS, FOR IF DREAMS DIE LIFE IS A BROKEN WING BIRD THAT CANNOT FLY.


HOLD FAST TO DREAMS, FOR WHEN DREAMS GO, LIFE IS A BARREN FIELD FROZEN WITH SNOW.

Prince Royce - Corazon Sin Cara (Extended Version)

Take me as I am.....


I love this song.  It reminds me of how much my sister's ex loved her! he didn't care if she was a bit heavy or moody or cranky... 


HE LOVED HER AS SHE WAS... THAT'S AWESOME!

LOVE SEX DRUGS!

What in the world, would you do with a man half your age? Well, I cannot tell you what you would do, but I will tell you what happened to me and what I did about it.


I have had two very interesting experiences with men half my age.  It is important for me to write about this because this is my journal and they were important to me in my life.  From both I have learned very valuable lessons.  This post was supposed to be about both of them, but as I began to re read it, so that I could post it, I realized that I couldn't write about both in one entry because it was too much to say in just one page and because they were both as I stated before, very meaningful to me in my journey of growing as an individual as a woman and as a single mother.  In addition, they are both worthy of a whole page because they are both wonderful young men who I truly believed that cared about me for me.  They weren't out to use me or gain anything from me.  


We all have our stories, some people like to keep their stories to themselves, others give little bits and pieces and sugar coat some parts of theirs.  And me, well I just journal my stories and let he or she that wishes to come into my world do so at their leisure.  


When someone tells me they read one of my entries and continues with a phrase such as, I know what you meant because I would probably feel the same way if that happened to me or wow Jazzy something similar happened to me, then at that moment I realize that me writing my journal publicly is one of the best things I have ever done.  And that no matter how people may judge me based on what they read on here, it doesn't matter to me, because I am not making up lies or stories or trying to sell anything.  I am simply sharing my life with you, yes you the person reading this now.  It fills me with joy that when I started writing my journal I did so with the intention that someone would read something on here and learn something, identify with something or maybe just get a laugh and that was really my only purpose. So when I hear people saying such things I am in disbelief almost, that I am serving my purpose.  Yes, this journal may not be very important to many people, but this journal is EXTREMELY important to me, because this is my story, this is my movie and I am the main character.


On August 5 of 2008 I was at this club (shocker) I was standing outside in line and I noticed him parking a car, when I saw the car I thought to myself, now there is the man that I need.  In reality, I wasn't really referring to the man, because it was dark outside and I could not see the driver, so obviously I was referring to the car.  I guess back then I thought that, that car could kiss me and give me love and fulfill me emotionally but the reality that we know is that material things will probably fulfill us momentarily but at the end of the day, if we feel unfulfilled emotionally we are really just empty and no car, house, cloths or any of that will change that feeling.  What ever, in that moment when I saw the car, that was the first thing that came into my mind why? who the hell knows??  


When the driver got out of the car I couldn't help but to stare, he was a tall slender Spanish young man wearing a dark blue polo and some jeans.  He had a shadow beard and the sexiest set of lips I later had the pleasure of kissing.  When I saw those lips that was all I needed! God I just love kissing! so if a man has appealing lips, I'm pretty much sold.  After getting out of the car he walked passed me and he looked dead into my eyes but continued to walk into the club.   After he walked into the club I started talking to my friends and forgot the whole car/cute guy thing, I entered the club and I had myself a grand old time.  During the night, I happened to see him behind the bar once, but it was so crowded and dark that I didn't even bother trying to look again or talking to him or anything, besides, I was to busy dancing salsa and well.... having myself a grand old time.


When it was closing time, a fight brakes out and when I go to be nosy and find out who was fighting, it turns out to be him, the cutie with the lips! so I'm thinking what the hell is going on??? and then I look again and now he is being yelled at by this woman who happens to be my uncle's ex wife WTF! CRAZY! so I'm like holy shit! why is she yelling at the cutie??? and I felt so bad that I went up to him without knowing him, grabbed his hand and begin pulling him away saying, come on just forget about it and I tell my uncle's ex wife to please calm down and just leave it alone.  I began to walk down the block hand in hand with him like we had been a couple for years.  After his anger subsided and he realized that we were holding hands, he looks dead into my eyes and does a double take almost like, OH, YOUR THAT GIRL.  He later told me that when he had walked into the club and had seen me standing outside, he kept thinking to himself, wow that girl was cute. 


We then sit by a car and he says thank you to me for helping him calm down and starts telling me why he was fighting.  He tells me that he works at the club and that the car I saw him in was his bosses who is my uncle's ex wife's new husband.  And as we continue the conversation, we start to find out how we both know all the same people, how we come from the same city in Colombia and how we like all these same things and then he's like I can't believe we had never met.  It turned out to be pretty weird but at this point I'm not even caring because I'm thinking 'DAMN TOO BAD HE'S SO YOUNG' so I am like well I'm glad you are ok and that you didn't get arrested or something.  And then I realize that the guy he was fighting with (because part of his job was to help kick people out if they are getting to crazy) is actually someone I had initially came to the club with, he was part of the party of people I was with.  Then he continues to tell me that now he is probably going to loose his job for doing his job, because he wasn't allowed to fight, but the guy had punched him and he wasn't going to allow someone to just hit him, which is why he defended himself and later got yelled at for doing so.  So here we are sitting by this car and in a few minutes we realize that we have a lot of things in common and how in this little Colombian club in Queens NYC a city of 8 million people all these people are connected in some sort of way.   Yet all I can think of is "why did he have to be so young?"


It is time for me to go, so Nacho asks me for my number and I think to myself, well, who cares I'm not going to marry the guy, why not? long story short he calls me the next day and lies to me about his age, he tells me he is 24 which he looked it, but later on down the line it turns out he is really 18 WHAT THE FUCK! he is 18 years my junior and I was mortified!  My ex husband is 10 years younger then I am and when we separated I told myself I would never again date someone younger yet in the last almost 4 years that I have been single, I have not once met someone that was my age that I even remotely liked, actually I could honestly say, that I have not met anyone at all my age and the oldest man I have met that had a romantic interest in me was probably like 9 years younger then I am.  I have seriously just decided to go with the flow or rather go with what God puts in my path.  By the time I end up finding out Nacho's real age though, so much had already happened between us that at that point it really didn't matter.  


When I say so much, I am referring to the fact that we had already been intimate but we were only intimate one time.  It is important for me to stress that we had only been intimate once and that for the next 6 months we began sharing everything except intimacy, him and I were intimate once and once only...... FML!  But either way at this point when I do find out his age although I am upset because I'm thinking OMG I had sex with someone who is 18 years old, that's sick! but the only thing sick about it is the number because if numbers were not important then there would be nothing to be upset about.  By that time when I find out his real age, I simply love him (note love is not in love) and I will tell you why.  I loved him because we talked about so many things, he was with me 24/7 he had met my kids, my family, my friends.  We weren't a "couple" because I had told him that I was not looking for a relationship and that I had just gotten out of a marriage and was not about to get involved.  In addition, he was "24" years old and I was not about to get involved with someone so young, yet in reality, he was 18 WHAT THE FUCK!!!!


When I think back at that whole situation I realize that although I told him that, I guess in his mind he had his own plans with me so he had become my very good friend.  I gave him advice, he gave me advice.  He took me food shopping, cloths shopping, he drove me around to run errands we did everything together except kiss and make love.  That was pretty crazy, but I was ok with it because in my heart I knew who I loved (I was in love with someone who I have blogged about many times) and had I been with Nacho in any other way other than the way things were, I would of felt as if I was cheating on him (the man I was in love with) and as if I was cheating on Nacho, because I did not have those romantic feelings for him that are required in order to allow to let someone call you their own.  


Sometimes things would get really weird between Nacho and I, I would sometimes start feeling like maybe I should get involved with him, but then there was that deep love I had for someone else, that didn't allow me to move forward.  When things would get weird between us, I did not understand what was happening.   But now that I think back at it, I realize that sometimes when Nacho and I would get into these heated arguments that had someone being looking at us they would of assumed we were a couple I understand that what was happening was that he was trying to prove to me that he was man enough for me and that he did not want sex from me but rather, what he wanted was me.  Yet I could not give him me, because I was in love with someone else and I told him this.  I would even encourage him to date and to find a girlfriend and although sometimes I could imagine myself being with him, I didn't feel ready or able to give him me the way I know I can.  I did not want to use him to forget someone else.


About 6 months into this "friendship" I get a call from him one day at like 2 am and he tells me to wish him luck because he is leaving to Colombia.   When he said "wish me luck" my heart sank because in that moment I knew that my new young friend was about to commit one of the biggest mistakes of his life, but who was I really to tell him not to go?  I yelled at him and told him he better not be going there to do what I was thinking and he said just pray for me ok.  I couldn't sleep that night thinking of all the horrible things that could happen to him and I kept hoping that he was telling me that he was going away just to impress me.  The next morning, I woke up and called his grandmother, to find out that he had left to Colombia as he had told me.  


It turns out, that Nacho un be known to me, had met one of the many want to be "Drug lords of Queens" who began to sell my young friend dreams of sex, drugs and money the kinds of dreams that someone young and living in not the best situation could certainly begin to envision.  This man sold him and a bunch of other young men dreams.  He lied to them telling them all would be easy and so my friend took a chance and left to Colombia, to come back with a suit case full of drugs the drugs that he thought, would later produce for him so much money sex, cloths and anything his heart desired including the girl he wanted.


Of course if I am writing this it is because my friend is currently in Jail paying for a crime of being young and naive.  I have never once deserted him, I went to to Colombia to visit him, I have helped him out whenever I can and I think of him often.  In January of 2011 he told me that he would be home soon and that I was going to be his girl and that he loved me but I was not allowed to tell anyone.  I do not believe he loves me.  When you love someone, you do not tell them to keep it from people, actually when you love someone, you want the whole world to know.  What I believe he is feeling is he is grateful to me because I am the only friend who has stayed in touch with him through out this whole time.  As I have always been honest with him, I told him that many things have happened in these last 2 years and that I don't feel the same way for him.  He told me that he understood, but that we would see what would happen once he was back.  Immediately I felt this sense of fear because in all honesty, love and relationships scare the heck out of me.


I can't say what will happen 6 months from now, I can't even say what will happen tomorrow but I can say this.  I did not wait for him while he was in jail in other words I did not become involved with anyone while he was in jail, not because I'm in love with him or I am waiting for him, but because all this time I was still in love with the person I was in love with for so long and because I have been focusing on my children and my education.   Also, I have changed so much in this time that he has been away, that I don't think things would work out between us.  The age difference no longer matters to me however, because to me age has literally just become a number.  


I no longer care how old someone is as long as he is with me for me and accepts me just as I am.  I have always been and will always be honest about my feelings for people because someone (the person I had been in love with all that time) played with my heart and it was the most awful thing in the world! this person hurt me so bad that  although I have been in many relationships in the past, I don't think I had ever experienced such heart break.  It is only now in this present moment, that I can honestly say, that I am finally after 3 years am finally moving on from that horrible experience.  


I don't know what will happen in the next 6 months but I was honest to him in what I told him and I am honest with my self and I will be honest with you, yes you, the person reading this right now.  I am currently getting to know someone who I truly like and although we are not in a "serious relationship" he is the man I think about and talk to on a daily basis.  I don't know what will happen 6 months from now, but I do know this, when my friend comes home I will be here for him as a friend.  I learned from my experience with him that age truly is just a number and that when someone is a true friend they will be with you through thick and thin.  I also learned that when a man loves a woman, he will do at any age, what ever it takes to have her.  Also, I learned that there are people out there that take advantage of young minorities to seduce them into committing horrible crimes.  


The man that convinced my friend into doing what he did never once helped him out.  If you happen to come across this blog and are even remotely thinking that drug money is going to get you far in life, think again.....NO IT WON'T! 


Furthermore, if you come across this blog post and you are an older woman, being pursued by a younger man and you are having doubts about it, well all I can say is this.  Go with what feels right to you, and forget people's judgements.  At the end of the day, when I go to sleep, I feel good about myself because in loving or being with someone younger then me.  I am not causing harm to anyone.  When I go to bed at night I am happy and that is the only thing that truly matters.

SECRET CONVERSATIONS!

It was summer of 2010 and the moment I saw him, I thought to myself damn he looks good! I always admire beauty, I don't only admire beauty in men, I also admire beauty in women, children, animals and all things on this earth.  I am a Libra, it is in our nature to admire beautiful things, we love artistic things we are lovers and social butterflies.  When a Libra falls in love, they give their 100% and most often then not we are loyal individuals and try to be fair.

So it is without a doubt, that the first thing I notice in a man is his looks.  Of course when I am in love with someone, I probably don't pay attention as much, but since I am single I have to admit, that I rather enjoy the view of all the variety of men in New York City.  The diversity is just awesome.  I LOVE eye candy! the thing is though, that I may think someone is handsome, but that won't mean that I will like them or want to kiss them or have sex with them, sometimes I will think someone is handsome, but just handsome enough to look at, I will just want to admire their beauty.

When I saw him, I liked him, I thought he was handsome and I could imagine myself having a sexual affair with him.  Yet I knew that the nature of our meeting was one which had to be handled in a way that I had to be careful and never allow myself to indulge in these thoughts to much.  After thinking about it a bit, I let these thoughts go and forgot about it.  

One day, for reasons I cannot really write about on my blog, him and I started to have what felt like secret conversations and although these conversations were always PG in nature, while these conversations were going on, our eyes were saying different things.  Still, I had to keep this one situation under control because there was too much at risk.

I would often think of this man and even plan whole scenarios with him in my mind and when I would have the opportunity to see him and talk, our chemistry was that of two people who in the right situation, might tear each other's cloths off and have a passionate love affair.  It was that intense or maybe it was the fact that it was a situation where there was more to be lost then to be gained from indulging in what I truly believe we were both thinking.  Or  rather I think that at least that's how he felt.  I didn't feel only sexually attracted to him.  I truly saw that we were very much alike in many ways and that we had a very unique chemistry in the way we saw the world and the way we thought about life as a whole.  

One day however, he said something to me that broke my heart into pieces.  I never felt so low in my life nor did I ever feel so humiliated or treated like less then a human being.  After he said it, I had to go somewhere and cry, actually as I write this and think of his words, my eyes are getting watery, because it was really very hurtful.  

I will not say what his exact words were, because I cannot.  But I will say this........ I have written about how after my marriage I tried on line dating because I had been in relationships all of my life and was afraid to be alone and find out who I was.  So I started on line dating, one day I met a guy who was attending Columbia University to get his masters degree in writing.  When we started corresponding, he told me that he really liked the way I wrote and then said that he was going to send me a story about us.  

I only corresponded with him at that point maybe like 3 letters.  To make this a short story and make my point, he wrote a story to me about us, which I did not find intriguing or even remotely interesting and when he asked me to write something back, I told him that I did not feel comfortable doing so.  I had this feeling like this guy was going to take my story, that I would write to him, and build on it or change it up and use it as his own, I did not trust him.  

I did not trust him especially after one day when I said to him, why don't we meet up and this way we can talk about our writing.  At this point we had only corresponded maybe 5 or 6 emails and I was not interested in him romantically, but rather I was interested in what he had learned about writing.  I had given him a bit of my background and he knew that I did not come from a family with money, he knew I was a single mom struggling to raise my children on my own and that I was not working.  So when I asked him to meet me he said.......

Jazzy, I am sorry but I don't see the point of us meeting, we CLEARLY COME FROM TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS.......... When I read this and felt sick to my stomach, my response to him was.......  XYZ... I am not sure what you mean, I LIVE ON PLANET EARTH, WHAT PLANET DO YOU LIVE ON?

My point is, that because he was a Columbia University student who came from a family that was probably very rich, he did not feel that I was 'GOOD ENOUGH' for him.  I was not "FROM HIS WORLD" So basically I am making a comparison with this Columbia University student and the gentleman that I was crushing over and having these secret conversations with.   The man I was having secret conversations with, didn't use the same language meaning he did not say "WE COME FROM DIFFERENT WORLDS"  but his words had the same meaning which was ......YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME......

WOW! I forgot that when rich people die, they don't rot the same as us poor folks, I also forgot that rich people don't get sick, they don't feel sad, they don't cry, they don't feel the same things us poor folks do.  No, rich people are WAY BETTER THEN US MERE MORTALS.  The thing is, that he isn't even rich, because there are some really really rich absolutely humble amazing people, that I have had the fortune of meeting.  Not all people with money are the same.  Yet some of them think they are from ANOTHER WORLD!

The thing is, that I am the richest person in the world! I may not have any money, but I would have given that guy, my love, my time, my body, my soul and probably made him very happy.  I am so glad that our secret conversations, were just that, they were secret.  But I know what he felt and thought when he was around me, I know the affect I had on him.  Now, when I see him or talk to him, I still have the same effect on him but the only effect he has on me, is that of disgust.  I feel sorry for him, for being afraid to not live what he so badly wanted to.

Please note, this man is a single man.  I do not or would not date or think of being with a married person.  I try my best to never do to others, what I would not want to be done to me.  

I wish I could send him this blog post (he doesn't know the URL to my blog) so that next time I see him, he won't try to make a flirty funny impressive remark.  He treated me like dirt because he has more then I do.......I am happy for him! I wish for him nothing but the best and then some! I further hope that one day he will find someone  "LIKE HIM" That can make him really happy.  I had to write about this, almost to let it go from my system and to allow myself to let go of the anger I felt for so long.  He made me feel horrible.  I forgive, but sometimes, it's really hard to forget.  So instead I am trying to learn how to let go of the feelings that do not serve any positive purpose in my life.  It is difficult, but definitely worth giving a shot.

Miguel featuring J.Cole - All I Want Is You ft. J.Cole

BK introduced me to this song.  I LOVE IT! I love the lyrics because sometimes I feel like I'm lost in the "player way" not that I am a player but when you are single for a long time and you meet and talk to a shit load of people it makes you sort of feel like that.  JUDGE ALL YOU WANT!

When I listen to the song, It reminds me of BK.  Not because all I want is him, I don't feel that way, but because I do really miss my friend.   And this song is sick! LOVE IT!

Definitely a song to dedicate to the one you love but lost.