I love this song! Sometimes we think someone is so lucky, yet we don't know what's really going on inside. The most important thing to always remember, is that we need to look to ourselves to find the happiness we seek and never expect to get it from anyone else. Don't allow anyone to control your emotions and make you happy/sad. He/she who is in your life, should compliment your already happy life, not MAKE YOU HAPPY......BUT MAKE YOU HAPPIER!
Happiness is within us and we all have the power to experience it. Learning to be lucky takes discipline, we must wish with full faith that our wishes will come true...... BELIEVE!
Britney Spears - Lucky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vvBAONkYwI&feature=relmfu
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Britney Spears - (You Drive Me) Crazy
I think I'm ready to feel this again...... SO MUCH FUN!!! for someone to drive you crazy! IN A GOOD WAY!
Britney Spears - You Drive Me Crazy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4VK9_CfOLQ
Britney Spears - You Drive Me Crazy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4VK9_CfOLQ
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
VIRTUAL CHEATERS!!!!!!!
Once upon a time when I was a young lad, the internet did not exist. Way back then, we had to meet people in person in order to find love, most of the time, we didn't see people's body parts, until we actually had the opportunity to lay next to them in a bed and make love, or just fuck, I mean it's not alway making love, especially if your not in love.
But now we have the internet the WORLD WIDE WEB! if I told you that I am not addicted to it then I would be lying, and anyone who knows me personally knows that I steer clear of lies. I try not to and especially I try not to on my journal, why in the world if my goal is to some day write a meaningful story, would I lie? yes I am addicted to talking to strangers on the internet, and every now and then someone will blow my mind. I had a mind blowing experience a few months ago, 8 months ago to be exact, but I am not going to write about it because the ending makes me want to cry, so I will keep that story to myself for now, or until I am feeling better about it. The initials to this man's name who blew my mind are AJ and the only reason why I am writing his initials on here, is so that if he ever visits my blog and comes across this post, he knows that what I say I mean.
I have written about how I talk to literally like 100's of men all the time about all sorts of things, not always sexual in nature, but for the most part that's what they want to talk about, sometimes I will indulge in the conversations, sometimes I will feed into it sometimes I will tell them to fuck off! I pick and choose because I can. Then, every now and then, just out of coincidence, I find out that some of these desperate human beings are also FUCKING CHEATERS! ASSHOLES! this burns me up! I don't care that they lie to me, because at the end of the day the truth is no one means a thing to me as I said, the only mind blowing experience that I have had virtually is with AJ so everyone else to me are just random people that I will probably never meet. But It burns me up when I find out that some guy is telling me lies for god knows what reason, meanwhile they have a girlfriend or wife or significant other. It doesn't bother me because of me, it bothers me because of the woman they are doing this too! I do not and will not engage in any sort of in appropriate conversation with any man that I know is in some sort of relationship, I try my best to not do to others what I do not want to be done to me, so just now when I coincidentally found out that someone that I had talked to numerous times ends up to be someone who has a girlfriend, it burns me up inside, not because I give two shits about this character, but because he is virtually cheating on his girlfriend! is it ok to do that???? NO IT IS NOT! engaging in a conversation that is sexual in nature with another woman that is not your girlfriend is WRONG!
I'm sorry, I'm really annoyed right now, because quite honestly, I haven't spoken to this person in a while and then I find out that he's in a relationship by coincidence and I feel so bad for that girl who is probably madly in love with him and here he is on dating sites emailing women telling them god knows what. THAT IS JUST WRONG!
I REALLY HATE MEN TODAY!
Good Night!
But now we have the internet the WORLD WIDE WEB! if I told you that I am not addicted to it then I would be lying, and anyone who knows me personally knows that I steer clear of lies. I try not to and especially I try not to on my journal, why in the world if my goal is to some day write a meaningful story, would I lie? yes I am addicted to talking to strangers on the internet, and every now and then someone will blow my mind. I had a mind blowing experience a few months ago, 8 months ago to be exact, but I am not going to write about it because the ending makes me want to cry, so I will keep that story to myself for now, or until I am feeling better about it. The initials to this man's name who blew my mind are AJ and the only reason why I am writing his initials on here, is so that if he ever visits my blog and comes across this post, he knows that what I say I mean.
I have written about how I talk to literally like 100's of men all the time about all sorts of things, not always sexual in nature, but for the most part that's what they want to talk about, sometimes I will indulge in the conversations, sometimes I will feed into it sometimes I will tell them to fuck off! I pick and choose because I can. Then, every now and then, just out of coincidence, I find out that some of these desperate human beings are also FUCKING CHEATERS! ASSHOLES! this burns me up! I don't care that they lie to me, because at the end of the day the truth is no one means a thing to me as I said, the only mind blowing experience that I have had virtually is with AJ so everyone else to me are just random people that I will probably never meet. But It burns me up when I find out that some guy is telling me lies for god knows what reason, meanwhile they have a girlfriend or wife or significant other. It doesn't bother me because of me, it bothers me because of the woman they are doing this too! I do not and will not engage in any sort of in appropriate conversation with any man that I know is in some sort of relationship, I try my best to not do to others what I do not want to be done to me, so just now when I coincidentally found out that someone that I had talked to numerous times ends up to be someone who has a girlfriend, it burns me up inside, not because I give two shits about this character, but because he is virtually cheating on his girlfriend! is it ok to do that???? NO IT IS NOT! engaging in a conversation that is sexual in nature with another woman that is not your girlfriend is WRONG!
I'm sorry, I'm really annoyed right now, because quite honestly, I haven't spoken to this person in a while and then I find out that he's in a relationship by coincidence and I feel so bad for that girl who is probably madly in love with him and here he is on dating sites emailing women telling them god knows what. THAT IS JUST WRONG!
I REALLY HATE MEN TODAY!
Good Night!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Dear Journal: What happens in Colorado....Stays in Colorado!
Dear Journal:
You know how they say that the best times are always the one’s you don’t plan? well, do I have an un planned story for you! two weekends ago, I had the pleasure of visiting Colorado. First and foremost I have to tell you that the very first time I flew over Colorado about 6 years or so ago on my way to Las Vegas, I knew in that moment when I saw those mountain tops, that, that was definitely a state I absolutely must visit. A few years later a good friend of mine moved there, and I would constantly tell her that I had to go visit her, but then she had to move back to NY and I never had the chance to.
A few months ago, I decided that I was going to finally go for my bday to visit Colorado, specifically, a town called Ft. Collins, the reason for wanting to go there was because I had met someone on line who would always rave about it and he got me curious about what this town could be like. One day I talked to him and I told him that I would be visiting Colorado and that if he liked we could try to meet up, for reasons that I am not sure about, he decided not to meet me. Although I was very disappointed about it, I realized that I can only control my own actions and that whatever his reasons behind not meeting me were, I had to respect them and accept them, I wasn’t about to go all psycho crazy on someone I never even seen. Yet I cannot deny that I was bummed about him not hanging out with me, because now I had to go there and sort of do all the things I could of done with him, by myself. Non the less, because I had been planning this trip for so many years, I decided that I was going to go there and have a blast as I usually do when I go to any foreign city. I usually travel alone anyway so this wasn’t some new scary adventure to me, as I don’t think I fear the un known as much as I sometimes think that I should.
On Friday evening I arrived there and picked up my $27.00 dollar car rental, yes 27 dollars for three days! I KNOW! Even the girl at the counter who gave me the car keys couldn’t believe it! she was like girl you got a great deal! already my little weekend getaway was getting off to a good start! the people at the airport were very pleasant and the girl at the counter was beautiful and very nice. I was really happy! Anyway, I picked up the car and headed to the hotel and immediately while driving in the 75 mile per hour highway… I KNOW 75 WOOO HOOO!!! I decided that I was already in love with this beautiful state! I got to the hotel and the people were lovely and accommodating and then I proceeded to my room to knock out cold, because I was just exhausted.
After every semester I like to go away to my little get away because during the school term I am completely exhausted and stressed out. Managing my time is crucial in order to do all the things that I have to do for my classes my kids and my work, so, I got there and slept like a baby. The next morning I set out on my hiking adventure and everything went as smooth as could be. Well initially as I was driving toward Rocky Mountain National Park, my IPhone had no reception and I couldn’t get the instructions, so I stop off at a place that looked like a rest stop and I see this guy with a dog, so I call out to him and say excuse me and when he turns around I had to control my saliva from dripping down the side of my mouth! I thought to myself OMG! control yourself Jazzy CONTROL! so I very pleasantly asked him which way was the hiking trails and he said to me that where we were standing was actually the beginning of one of many and that that particular one, was about a 3 mile hike, then proceeds with this smile that just made my knees shake and in my head I had to keep telling myself to calm down and act normal as if every day I was faced with a fine dude with a body to die for a killer tan a million dollar smile and the cutest dog I had ever seen that would not get off of me. He kept telling the dog to calm down and I kept telling him, oh no problem I love dogs! So I tell him my IPhone sob story and we both laugh and he asks me what exactly it was that I wanted to do, so I told him I wanted to go to the park. He gave me directions and I walked away wanting to smack myself for being so dumb and not having just hiked up with him and his dog, but I just sort of wanted to spend time by myself and do some thinking. I wanted the weekend to be about my mind, body and soul!
I finally get to the park and everything there is so organized and the people are so pleasant, it just felt safe to go on a hike in a completely strange city. I went on a 6 mile hike, and I saw snow, animals and got rained on, IT WAS AWESOME!
Sunday is when my adventure became really interesting! I decided that I had to go swimming before I went home, so I had asked the guy that I met if he knew any places where I could go swimming, he told me about a specific place where I could go so I googled it and decided that I would go there. I get there and everything looked so official that I kept thinking to myself, holy shit! this place is private GREAT! just my luck! So I am standing by the rental car looking around thinking of what to do next, and I see this random guy walking toward me, so I stop him and ask him if the place is safe to swim and that is how I met Daniel. He looks at me and tells me he is new to the city and that he doesn’t really know, all he wants is to find a place to fish so we start talking about fishing and the city and one conversation leads to the next and next thing I know, I am hanging out with him. I tell him that I cant' leave that area until I go swimming, so he says that he can't swim with me but that he will wait for me, turns out the place is public and there are a bunch of people swimming, so I take off my shorts and tee and go into the reservoir. OH! I was wearing a bathing suit! the thing about this part of my story is that for the first time in my life I felt absolutely completely comfortable taking off my shorts and tee and standing in front of a complete stranger in a bathing suit. Maybe it was the fact that he was just really cute and nice and sort of made me feel like I had known him for a long time, or maybe it was the fact that just because he and I were now hanging out, I wasn't going to let that ruin my plans of swimming, regardless, it just felt ok to sort of take off my cloths and end up in a swim suit in front of this guy. He sat in the sand and waited for me to swim, I swam up to this like platform they had and climbed on it, waved at Daniel and dove back into the water to go back to him. Being around him felt so natural, it was pretty cool and strange and nice.
I finally come out put on my cloths and we decide that he will accompany me to the last place I want to visit before my flight, which at this point was about 5 hours away, so we head out to another city which is nearby and he shows me around. By this time, we are laughing drinking beer smoking cigarettes and just finding out about all these crazy things we have both done in our respective lives. IT WAS AWESOME! I had to leave a few hours later, so we exchanged numbers and said we would stay in touch, I have to say that I was really happy that I met him, the reason being was that I really sincerely wanted to just be by myself, but the fact that he and I hit it off almost in an automatic way, sort of meant to me that it was a sign that I needed to just let loose and hang out with him. I felt really comfortable talking to him and he was just the absolute complete awesome gentleman.
I finally come out put on my cloths and we decide that he will accompany me to the last place I want to visit before my flight, which at this point was about 5 hours away, so we head out to another city which is nearby and he shows me around. By this time, we are laughing drinking beer smoking cigarettes and just finding out about all these crazy things we have both done in our respective lives. IT WAS AWESOME! I had to leave a few hours later, so we exchanged numbers and said we would stay in touch, I have to say that I was really happy that I met him, the reason being was that I really sincerely wanted to just be by myself, but the fact that he and I hit it off almost in an automatic way, sort of meant to me that it was a sign that I needed to just let loose and hang out with him. I felt really comfortable talking to him and he was just the absolute complete awesome gentleman.
I have to say that I had a great weekend, full of a ton of surprises! I am a strong believer, that life can be really good, if you just allow things to happen without going too crazy when making your plans. Live the moments, accept them and always no matter how bad the circumstance, ALWAYS MAKE THE BEST OF IT!
Oh and by the way, something else happened but I don't know, sometimes I think my journal gets read, so I rather just keep certain things for my book! besides, you know what they say, WHAT HAPPENS IN COLORADO, STAYS IN COLORADO!
Oh and by the way, something else happened but I don't know, sometimes I think my journal gets read, so I rather just keep certain things for my book! besides, you know what they say, WHAT HAPPENS IN COLORADO, STAYS IN COLORADO!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Jazzy's Escapades.........
A few weeks ago, my class mate who I truly enjoy having philosophical conversations with, told me that I needed to write about all of my escapades. He said this to me, because I always have some sort of guy story to tell him about and after I tell him, we both start to laugh really hard, because most of the time my stories are just plain crazy! like.... Dude, this shit only happens to me!
After he said that to me, I told him that I really couldn't write about it, because most of them didn't involve sex and I always thought escapades had to have sexual content. He started laughing and told me that it wasn't necessary, so I told him that maybe I should and that I wrote about some of them, but not necessarily all of them. He continued to laugh and kept saying, I dont understand what you want Jazzy? I can't pin point it and my response to him was, I don't want anything!
Then I looked at him and said, what I wanted I lost it a long time ago and in that moment while I was saying that to him, I broke down in tears! This feeling that I have deep in my soul, is like a looming sadness in the depth of my heart that I cannot shake. It just sort of looms over me like a black cloud. When I broke down crying, my friend looking very confused gave me some tissue and told me that I would be ok. I can't even count how many characters have crossed my path in the last 4 years, it's amazing actually, when I think of all the people I have met and talked to and went out on a date with or had a semi weird sort of relationship with? I don't even know what to call it. But the truth is that although there have been some very unique and quite wonderful people that have touched my life in significant ways, no one can even begin to compare to him (Benjamin Nunez) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html. And there is never anyone even remotely close to anything like he is to me, so, is it wrong for me to compare? Yes, but I do, I can't help it.
However, the other day, I called him (Benjamin) and left him a message and as I was leaving him the message, I said..... Well, in case you are wondering, life is going pretty well, I am doing well in school, I love my job, my kids are doing good, I am pretty happy and then after I said that, I followed with, I guess I would be happier if I could be with the man that I love and as the words were coming out of my mouth, I was thinking about him, no! not him the person I was leaving the message too, but him, the person that I love. I love someone and it isn't the person that I thought it was. I have decided to be in complete denial because it's easier to live my life in denial and this way I can continue to move forward with my plans. I cannot allow my feelings to control me or make me act a certain way because I have been through some rough things when it comes to love and I am sort of over it (love that is).
So, with that said, I think it is better for me to continue to go on these "escapades" because quite honestly, when I think of love and having a relationship and all the relationship drama that happens and then I think about my "escapades" I always think, damn I sure do have fun! yes some days I cry and feel lonely, but I prefer to cry and feel lonely being alone, then to cry while I am laying down next to the person I am in a relationship with, like I did for over a year while I was married. Being next to the person you love and knowing that your relationship is shit, and feeling depressed about it everyday, is the worst feeling in the world. Being at work and constantly holding back your tears because you are so miserable in your relationship and all you do is fight with someone, that is horrible. Carrying a baby and knowing that this one also will be one that you have to take care on your own because you don't feel happy with the person who the baby you are carrying belongs to, that is shitty!
I will keep going on my "escapades" as my friend called them, thank you very much! I prefer to cry once a month while I am going through my cycle, then to be miserable in a bad relationship and stay with that person because it's the right thing to do. NO THANK YOU!
I guess it's true, maybe I am a gypsy like someone one's suggested, I am. But I rather be a gypsy then a miserable wife anytime!
Gypsy - Shakira
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3-GiVIE8gc
After he said that to me, I told him that I really couldn't write about it, because most of them didn't involve sex and I always thought escapades had to have sexual content. He started laughing and told me that it wasn't necessary, so I told him that maybe I should and that I wrote about some of them, but not necessarily all of them. He continued to laugh and kept saying, I dont understand what you want Jazzy? I can't pin point it and my response to him was, I don't want anything!
Then I looked at him and said, what I wanted I lost it a long time ago and in that moment while I was saying that to him, I broke down in tears! This feeling that I have deep in my soul, is like a looming sadness in the depth of my heart that I cannot shake. It just sort of looms over me like a black cloud. When I broke down crying, my friend looking very confused gave me some tissue and told me that I would be ok. I can't even count how many characters have crossed my path in the last 4 years, it's amazing actually, when I think of all the people I have met and talked to and went out on a date with or had a semi weird sort of relationship with? I don't even know what to call it. But the truth is that although there have been some very unique and quite wonderful people that have touched my life in significant ways, no one can even begin to compare to him (Benjamin Nunez) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html. And there is never anyone even remotely close to anything like he is to me, so, is it wrong for me to compare? Yes, but I do, I can't help it.
However, the other day, I called him (Benjamin) and left him a message and as I was leaving him the message, I said..... Well, in case you are wondering, life is going pretty well, I am doing well in school, I love my job, my kids are doing good, I am pretty happy and then after I said that, I followed with, I guess I would be happier if I could be with the man that I love and as the words were coming out of my mouth, I was thinking about him, no! not him the person I was leaving the message too, but him, the person that I love. I love someone and it isn't the person that I thought it was. I have decided to be in complete denial because it's easier to live my life in denial and this way I can continue to move forward with my plans. I cannot allow my feelings to control me or make me act a certain way because I have been through some rough things when it comes to love and I am sort of over it (love that is).
So, with that said, I think it is better for me to continue to go on these "escapades" because quite honestly, when I think of love and having a relationship and all the relationship drama that happens and then I think about my "escapades" I always think, damn I sure do have fun! yes some days I cry and feel lonely, but I prefer to cry and feel lonely being alone, then to cry while I am laying down next to the person I am in a relationship with, like I did for over a year while I was married. Being next to the person you love and knowing that your relationship is shit, and feeling depressed about it everyday, is the worst feeling in the world. Being at work and constantly holding back your tears because you are so miserable in your relationship and all you do is fight with someone, that is horrible. Carrying a baby and knowing that this one also will be one that you have to take care on your own because you don't feel happy with the person who the baby you are carrying belongs to, that is shitty!
I will keep going on my "escapades" as my friend called them, thank you very much! I prefer to cry once a month while I am going through my cycle, then to be miserable in a bad relationship and stay with that person because it's the right thing to do. NO THANK YOU!
I guess it's true, maybe I am a gypsy like someone one's suggested, I am. But I rather be a gypsy then a miserable wife anytime!
Gypsy - Shakira
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3-GiVIE8gc
If you love somebody...LET THEM GO!
You would think that at my age, it would be easy for me to understand the concept of. If you love somebody let them go. And I do, I really do, but I also can't stand the concept and think it's stupid! why in the world if I love someone, should I let them go, why??? if I love them, I want them by my side, I want to have them, I want to touch them and I want to hold them and I want to be in their life. Because love is about I, I and I. I want I want and I want!!! PERIOD!
So, how do I, me, make myself understand that if you love someone you should let them go? Well for starters, I start to think about LOVE and what love means to me. When you love someone, truly love them, it isn't about I anymore, it's about them, so, if you love someone and they no longer feel they want to be with you, the most loving thing to do is to let them go, because letting them go is a selfless act and when you truly love someone in a selfless way, you want that person to be happy. If you don't leave the person be, and you keep persisting, isn't that like a selfish act? your trying to be with this person that you "love" even if being with them doesn't make them happy. Don't you want the person that you love to be happy? I know, it confuses the shit out of me too, but it's reality.
Doing that is so extremely hard though, loving someone and accepting that you need to let them go is probably one of the shittiest things to experience in life, I sure don't like it one bit. I hate that feeling that no one else will do, or that feeling of sadness that sort of lingers on, like a cloud above your head. You feel helpless and confused.
Sometimes in life, we have to do what is best and believe that when we do things with a loving heart, we will get back even better things. I was talking about this with my friend last night, he just broke up with his girlfriend and I was checking up on him because I know that he once loved her very very much. And we began to talk about it and how she wouldn't leave him alone and how he felt that she was disrespecting his wishes and then all of a sudden I thought, WOW! she doesn't love him in a pure way the way love should be, she is loving him with a selfish heart. I am not judging her, I am just relating that we often in life confuse what true love is. True love is not about ourself, it is about the person we love and respecting their wishes. I am most certain that she is hurting and going through a very difficult time, break ups are the worse.
Because I love my quotes, here is the one we know all to well, yet fail to attempt to do it because it's so hard to let go of the one we love..... But if we truly do love them, with a pure loving heart, we will let them go and with a loving heart, wish them all the best.
IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, LET THEM GO, IF THEY COME BACK THEY WERE YOURS, IF THEY DON'T, THEY NEVER WERE.......
Monday, June 4, 2012
Jazzy the ONLINE STALKER scary monster...
Whenever things happen to me, I can always think of movie quotes that are related to the situation. As I was once upon a time one of those people who saw every movie that was out in theaters. Of course, all my quotes are completely outdated since I don't get to go out to movies anymore, but I still remember many of them. One of my my favorite quotes from one of my favorite shows sex and the city, was when Carrie, says that her wedding plan became "bigger then Big" if you have never watched the show, Big, was the name of the character that played her boyfriend and then became her fiancé. You actually don't find out his name until the end of the movie, but through out the sex and the city series, he is always referred to as Big.
The reason why I'm mentioning this, is because sometimes, in our minds, people become to us, "bigger than big" I know that someone once became so big to me, that the mere thought of meeting him or spending time with him, made me want to throw up (in a good/bad way) this is what happens with online dating. I have been on dating sites now for over three years and I have to say that I have learned so much about people and human behavior by being on them, that I wish I could conduct some sort of study.
About a month or so ago, I sat down with one of my psychology professors and I told her that I wanted to conduct a study on online dating because I have had so many interesting experiences and learned so much about human behavior just by being on these online dating sites, that I was completely fascinated. However, I told her that I didn't really know where to begin or what to look for or what exactly I wanted to uncover. I pretty much have no clue of where to begin, but it's something that I think to be very interesting and that needs more attention from the psychology experts. My professor hands over to me a booklet and tells me, that it appeared that someone had already done some research on the topic.
I begin reading and the first thing that stands out to me, is the fact that it said that when you meet someone on line, you should not wait too long after the initial back and forth conversations started to meet this individual in person. It is important especially to do this, if there is real romantic interest and upon exchanging emails, calls and text messages, you feel there is some sort of potential. The reason being, that when we build ideas about an individual based on things we tell each other, we build a different mental picture of what the individuals are actually like in person. Most often then not, we build them up so high, that they become "bigger then big" and that is exactly what happened to me and Benjamin Nunez (are you sick of reading about him yet?) if you are new to my blog, let me just tell you that I write about Benjamin ALL THE TIME, if don't know who he is by now, you can find out about him here... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
Although I initially met Benjamin in person, I only saw him consecutively for about 3 months, maybe daily or every few days in the hallways of the building where he and I worked. Our in person interactions were always brief. When we would see each other, we would always stop and chit chat and we definitely had incredible chemistry, but I was pregnant at the time and we would just talk about life or actually, I would complain to him about something or someone and he would look at me and smile and tell me everything was going to be ok. Gosh! writing what I just did, gave me a mental image about those days that just made me smile, I wish I could have a recording of our little hallway conversations, it was like magic, sparks flying all over that hallway (tear). It wasn't until he left the company where he worked that he gave me his information so we could stay in touch, and after that, we developed and online relationship that lasted
Over a year. (please note that I was pregnant but separated from my husband)
After he left the company he and I began writing each other practically everyday. We exchanged emails and text messages, we would never talk on the phone and we never saw each other after he left the company. We built our friendship virtually. So what of this? well, everything I got to know about him was based solely on what he told me or what I would read on his blog. I never really got to interact with him in a way that is necessary to form real human interactions and relationships. I built an over the top persona, based on what he told me to the point where when it was time to see him again after talking to him for over a year, it was so extremely scary to me. Every time he would mention anything about meeting, I would sort of brush it off and kind of beat around it, not because I wasn't dying to kiss him and hug him and marry him and have his future babies (insert wishing well here) but because in my mind he was this big huge monster almost. The very thought of being around him scared me half to death. Not only that, I fell in love with the person I thought him to be based on the things he would tell me about himself. And of course, who ever says things about themselves that are negative? for instance, he never said, Jazzy, by the way, sometimes I can be a fucking liar! no, people don't usually go around telling other people they lie, nor do they tell people they deceit, nor do they tell people they have bad qualities. I NEVER would tell him about my little problem with having a short fuse, which he already knew because every now and then I would send him letters telling him off. But still, it was different expressing my anger in an email then if he would of been in my face, because in his face I would probably not have the balls to blow up the same way.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I don't think he is an amazing human being, regardless of his flaws. As of course I am also an amazing human being regardless of mine (insert conceded smiley here) But seriously, he did lie to me and deceived me and led me on. He did this, I think, because at a certain point I just became a picture on a computer screen or a text message on a phone and I lost almost that human quality, that essence that you only experience with someone that you have actual human contact with. I was I think in his mind not a real person and in my mind he was like this God of some sort. In other words, the fact that we lacked the human interaction, almost made it easy for him to treat me a certain way almost un intentionally, because he knew he wouldn't be seeing me.
So my question is, does it make it right to treat people unkind or mean, simply because you don't see them in person? Is it ok to treat people on line like shit because they are just a picture on a computer screen? Of course it does not!!! what people fail to realize when they are meeting others on line is that behind every picture and every profile set up on these sites, there is a real human being. So many get on these sites and lie and deceive and make up stories, it is really saddening, how people treat other people simply because they don't see them in person. Psychologically, It has been statistically proven, that it is easier to kill someone with a gun, then with a knife, because the gun you fire it, where as the knife you actually have to push it through the flesh of the other person and you feel the other person and because you are actually feeling the knife going through the flesh, it is at this moment, that the person you are harming becomes real and the guilt factor comes to play. The psychology behind all of this makes so much sense to me because I have experienced how people can be so cruel to one another because they don't see you or feel you. (I haven't shot or stabbed anyone by the way, I am referring to the part where people are nasty to each other online).
Benjamin created this monster like idea about me, he completely shut me out of his life after I found out he had lied to me and I cursed him out. Well, I also sent him this really mean song that sort of said I wanted to kill him... Ooops! but it was only a damn song! and due to the lyrics of the song, all of a sudden I think that in his mind I was this killer from Queens, who although he had interacted with for a little more then year over the internet, he didn't actually know. He didnt know my friends or my family nor did we have any other people we both knew in common. All he knew was what I told him and all I knew was what he told me. After he hurt me I also created these crazy spy theories about him in my mind. It was crazy! I should have written all those ideas I had of him and wrote a book about it, I would of probably have made some serious money! The things that would go around in my head about him were crazy! I thought that he had plotted to get me and that he was laughing when I would call him crying and that he had this master plan from the beginning, I mean I can go on and on about it. It was really horrible!
So, because we never saw each other, it was weird and we felt that we didn't really know each other, yet, we probably knew each other better then anyone else probably knew us. I told him EVERYTHING! he knew my deepest thoughts fears everything. It was easy for me to tell him things because I wouldn't see him so it was comfortable exposing myself to him in this way. This also happens with online dating, when people find real interest in another person, sometimes they expose themselves more than they would if they were seeing the person daily, it's easier to tell someone something in writing, than to look in their eyes and call them asshole! although I have to admit that I don't really have a problem telling someone off to their face if they have done me wrong. But it really is, how easy is it to just write something to someone when they are not standing there looking at you?
Anyway, the reason why I am writing about this, is because someone recently treated me less than kind based on these same principles. The fact that our friendship was virtual, I think made him create this picture of me that is almost unreal. It's scary to know someone yet not really know them, except if your an honest individual and you conduct yourself on line and personify yourself on line the way you are in reality, then that person that you talk to most and tell your stuff too, probabaly ends up knowing you way better than people you see all the time, the only difference is that you don't actually see this person with your own two eyes or hug or hold or touch. I am me no matter where I am. I made the decision to do that, after I had the experience with Benjamin, I often remind myself to check myself, meaning that I will tell myself, pretend this person is in your face, would you say this to them? that is how I conduct myself on line. You get Jazzy, because whether online or in person, I don't want to do to others, what I would not want to be done to me PERIOD! that's just how I roll. Because KARMA IS A BITCH! and I don't want Karma bitting me in the ass later on for doing things I know are wrong.
Of course we don't ever really truly know someone, because even people we interact with constantly often change and grow. I was with my ex husband for years and sometimes he would do things that I would look at him frowning going WHAT THE FUCK!!! who are you??? My point with this post is that I hope anyone who comes across it and reads it, realizes that if you are going to be online and you are going to meet people on line and you are open to online dating. It is vital that you don't prolonge the meeting in person part of it too much, because the last thing you need is to create in your mind either a monster or a God that in reality doesn't exist. In reality, they are just a mere mortal who struggles and goes through hardships and probably all the same types of feelings you do. And I mean men and women alike, because ladies, do I have news for you, if you don't already know this, men are EXTREMELY emotional creatures, they just deal with things very very different. So, if you think you met some really cool person on line and you think that they have any sort of potential, I say take time out to meet them sooner rather then later and have coffee/dinner. Look into their eyes, see their smile, listen to their voice, see the way they move, and feel their human warmth. There is nothing wrong with meeting people on line, but there is nothing more amazing than looking into someone's eyes and feeling their warmth when they smile.
To end this post, I am going to write yet another quote that I heard the other day that blew my mind it goes like this.......
"THAT WHICH IS ESSENCE IN YOU, IS ESSENCE IN ME WHICH MAKES US ALL THE SAME".......
Buenas Noches!
The reason why I'm mentioning this, is because sometimes, in our minds, people become to us, "bigger than big" I know that someone once became so big to me, that the mere thought of meeting him or spending time with him, made me want to throw up (in a good/bad way) this is what happens with online dating. I have been on dating sites now for over three years and I have to say that I have learned so much about people and human behavior by being on them, that I wish I could conduct some sort of study.
About a month or so ago, I sat down with one of my psychology professors and I told her that I wanted to conduct a study on online dating because I have had so many interesting experiences and learned so much about human behavior just by being on these online dating sites, that I was completely fascinated. However, I told her that I didn't really know where to begin or what to look for or what exactly I wanted to uncover. I pretty much have no clue of where to begin, but it's something that I think to be very interesting and that needs more attention from the psychology experts. My professor hands over to me a booklet and tells me, that it appeared that someone had already done some research on the topic.
I begin reading and the first thing that stands out to me, is the fact that it said that when you meet someone on line, you should not wait too long after the initial back and forth conversations started to meet this individual in person. It is important especially to do this, if there is real romantic interest and upon exchanging emails, calls and text messages, you feel there is some sort of potential. The reason being, that when we build ideas about an individual based on things we tell each other, we build a different mental picture of what the individuals are actually like in person. Most often then not, we build them up so high, that they become "bigger then big" and that is exactly what happened to me and Benjamin Nunez (are you sick of reading about him yet?) if you are new to my blog, let me just tell you that I write about Benjamin ALL THE TIME, if don't know who he is by now, you can find out about him here... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
Although I initially met Benjamin in person, I only saw him consecutively for about 3 months, maybe daily or every few days in the hallways of the building where he and I worked. Our in person interactions were always brief. When we would see each other, we would always stop and chit chat and we definitely had incredible chemistry, but I was pregnant at the time and we would just talk about life or actually, I would complain to him about something or someone and he would look at me and smile and tell me everything was going to be ok. Gosh! writing what I just did, gave me a mental image about those days that just made me smile, I wish I could have a recording of our little hallway conversations, it was like magic, sparks flying all over that hallway (tear). It wasn't until he left the company where he worked that he gave me his information so we could stay in touch, and after that, we developed and online relationship that lasted
Over a year. (please note that I was pregnant but separated from my husband)
After he left the company he and I began writing each other practically everyday. We exchanged emails and text messages, we would never talk on the phone and we never saw each other after he left the company. We built our friendship virtually. So what of this? well, everything I got to know about him was based solely on what he told me or what I would read on his blog. I never really got to interact with him in a way that is necessary to form real human interactions and relationships. I built an over the top persona, based on what he told me to the point where when it was time to see him again after talking to him for over a year, it was so extremely scary to me. Every time he would mention anything about meeting, I would sort of brush it off and kind of beat around it, not because I wasn't dying to kiss him and hug him and marry him and have his future babies (insert wishing well here) but because in my mind he was this big huge monster almost. The very thought of being around him scared me half to death. Not only that, I fell in love with the person I thought him to be based on the things he would tell me about himself. And of course, who ever says things about themselves that are negative? for instance, he never said, Jazzy, by the way, sometimes I can be a fucking liar! no, people don't usually go around telling other people they lie, nor do they tell people they deceit, nor do they tell people they have bad qualities. I NEVER would tell him about my little problem with having a short fuse, which he already knew because every now and then I would send him letters telling him off. But still, it was different expressing my anger in an email then if he would of been in my face, because in his face I would probably not have the balls to blow up the same way.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I don't think he is an amazing human being, regardless of his flaws. As of course I am also an amazing human being regardless of mine (insert conceded smiley here) But seriously, he did lie to me and deceived me and led me on. He did this, I think, because at a certain point I just became a picture on a computer screen or a text message on a phone and I lost almost that human quality, that essence that you only experience with someone that you have actual human contact with. I was I think in his mind not a real person and in my mind he was like this God of some sort. In other words, the fact that we lacked the human interaction, almost made it easy for him to treat me a certain way almost un intentionally, because he knew he wouldn't be seeing me.
So my question is, does it make it right to treat people unkind or mean, simply because you don't see them in person? Is it ok to treat people on line like shit because they are just a picture on a computer screen? Of course it does not!!! what people fail to realize when they are meeting others on line is that behind every picture and every profile set up on these sites, there is a real human being. So many get on these sites and lie and deceive and make up stories, it is really saddening, how people treat other people simply because they don't see them in person. Psychologically, It has been statistically proven, that it is easier to kill someone with a gun, then with a knife, because the gun you fire it, where as the knife you actually have to push it through the flesh of the other person and you feel the other person and because you are actually feeling the knife going through the flesh, it is at this moment, that the person you are harming becomes real and the guilt factor comes to play. The psychology behind all of this makes so much sense to me because I have experienced how people can be so cruel to one another because they don't see you or feel you. (I haven't shot or stabbed anyone by the way, I am referring to the part where people are nasty to each other online).
Benjamin created this monster like idea about me, he completely shut me out of his life after I found out he had lied to me and I cursed him out. Well, I also sent him this really mean song that sort of said I wanted to kill him... Ooops! but it was only a damn song! and due to the lyrics of the song, all of a sudden I think that in his mind I was this killer from Queens, who although he had interacted with for a little more then year over the internet, he didn't actually know. He didnt know my friends or my family nor did we have any other people we both knew in common. All he knew was what I told him and all I knew was what he told me. After he hurt me I also created these crazy spy theories about him in my mind. It was crazy! I should have written all those ideas I had of him and wrote a book about it, I would of probably have made some serious money! The things that would go around in my head about him were crazy! I thought that he had plotted to get me and that he was laughing when I would call him crying and that he had this master plan from the beginning, I mean I can go on and on about it. It was really horrible!
So, because we never saw each other, it was weird and we felt that we didn't really know each other, yet, we probably knew each other better then anyone else probably knew us. I told him EVERYTHING! he knew my deepest thoughts fears everything. It was easy for me to tell him things because I wouldn't see him so it was comfortable exposing myself to him in this way. This also happens with online dating, when people find real interest in another person, sometimes they expose themselves more than they would if they were seeing the person daily, it's easier to tell someone something in writing, than to look in their eyes and call them asshole! although I have to admit that I don't really have a problem telling someone off to their face if they have done me wrong. But it really is, how easy is it to just write something to someone when they are not standing there looking at you?
Anyway, the reason why I am writing about this, is because someone recently treated me less than kind based on these same principles. The fact that our friendship was virtual, I think made him create this picture of me that is almost unreal. It's scary to know someone yet not really know them, except if your an honest individual and you conduct yourself on line and personify yourself on line the way you are in reality, then that person that you talk to most and tell your stuff too, probabaly ends up knowing you way better than people you see all the time, the only difference is that you don't actually see this person with your own two eyes or hug or hold or touch. I am me no matter where I am. I made the decision to do that, after I had the experience with Benjamin, I often remind myself to check myself, meaning that I will tell myself, pretend this person is in your face, would you say this to them? that is how I conduct myself on line. You get Jazzy, because whether online or in person, I don't want to do to others, what I would not want to be done to me PERIOD! that's just how I roll. Because KARMA IS A BITCH! and I don't want Karma bitting me in the ass later on for doing things I know are wrong.
Of course we don't ever really truly know someone, because even people we interact with constantly often change and grow. I was with my ex husband for years and sometimes he would do things that I would look at him frowning going WHAT THE FUCK!!! who are you??? My point with this post is that I hope anyone who comes across it and reads it, realizes that if you are going to be online and you are going to meet people on line and you are open to online dating. It is vital that you don't prolonge the meeting in person part of it too much, because the last thing you need is to create in your mind either a monster or a God that in reality doesn't exist. In reality, they are just a mere mortal who struggles and goes through hardships and probably all the same types of feelings you do. And I mean men and women alike, because ladies, do I have news for you, if you don't already know this, men are EXTREMELY emotional creatures, they just deal with things very very different. So, if you think you met some really cool person on line and you think that they have any sort of potential, I say take time out to meet them sooner rather then later and have coffee/dinner. Look into their eyes, see their smile, listen to their voice, see the way they move, and feel their human warmth. There is nothing wrong with meeting people on line, but there is nothing more amazing than looking into someone's eyes and feeling their warmth when they smile.
To end this post, I am going to write yet another quote that I heard the other day that blew my mind it goes like this.......
"THAT WHICH IS ESSENCE IN YOU, IS ESSENCE IN ME WHICH MAKES US ALL THE SAME".......
Buenas Noches!
Bouncing Souls - Better Things
Here is hoping all the days ahead won't be as bitter as the ones behind you. Be an optimist instead and somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday, I know that better things are on their way.
Bouncing Souls - Better Things
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=MjIU0fw0i3s&feature=endscreen
Forget what happened yesterday, I know that better things are on their way.
Bouncing Souls - Better Things
http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=MjIU0fw0i3s&feature=endscreen
New Edition Mr Telephone Man
An oldie but goodie.... These days people just block you off their phones, but it seems like as long as there have been phones, people did these sorts of things to each other. Maybe they can't handle the situation and just want to disappear? who knows.
Mr. Telephone Man
There something wrong with my line
When I dial my baby's number I get a
Click every time
New Edition Mr. Telephone Man
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFjhdqB4_EY
Mr. Telephone Man
There something wrong with my line
When I dial my baby's number I get a
Click every time
New Edition Mr. Telephone Man
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFjhdqB4_EY
Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Why is it that they make these songs that fit in situations so well? seems like we all go through the same things huh? PSYCHOLOGY!
Gotye - Somebody that I used to know
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Why is it that they make these songs that fit in situations so well? seems like we all go through the same things huh? PSYCHOLOGY!
Gotye - Somebody that I used to know
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY
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Why 2012?
Dear Journal - Life has been happening and this last year has been rough to say the least, but I'm still alive and I'm still kickin...
