Why 2012?

 Dear Journal -

Life has been happening and this last year has been rough to say the least, but I'm still alive and I'm still kicking and I'm still growing every single day! Today, I decided to come visit you and sign in and look at the activity.  Now journal, I can see what posts were read, how many hits I've gotten, but I cannot tell who read it.  I WISH I COULD! I like to think that maybe some random person came across this life of mine found it interesting, maybe was able to relate to something and then just kept reading it as if it is a book and they are getting to know this woman named Jazzy!

Any who, I look at the posts that have been looked at and all the posts were from 2012, once upon a time when I was writing as often as I could and absolutely loved and enjoyed sharing my struggles.  To be honest, I sort of stopped writing on here because about a year or maybe a little over a year ago, someone got on my blog and used it against me almost in a court of law! I'll explain.  So I think it was over a year ago, I get a message from my most recent ex (4 year ago ex) and he's like hey Jaz can you do me a favor and not write about me on your blog because my girl saw it and didn't like it! For a moment I was is this really happening right now? What in the actual fuck! so I was like...... I will write what I want, when I want on my blog it's MINE! anyway, long story short, this woman started harassing me, got my number called me got me to tell her things apparently I wasn't supposed to (according to my ex) and then took homeboy to court and apparently said in court that she had read how he treated me because I had a blog and she read it and I wrote thing about him! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK!

I write about things in the past for the most part, but in 2012 I was writing things that were actually going on.  So I decided to read some of those posts because obviously I can't remember what was happening in my life in detail back then, and I come across this post about AJ! So AJ was sort of kind of the reason I ended up in Colorado 10 years ago.  I've wrote a lot about him back then because he was the person I was "talking to" except it was just by phone or text and at that point I had not even met him in person.  WELL let me tell you journal that he and I finally met in 2014 when I finally moved to CO and nothing ever came of that "romance" it was very short lived physically and 14 years later I think back at that and I'm like..... If only I knew then what I know now! 

Through out the time I have lived in CO we have stayed in touch, actually about a year and a half ago he tattooed me because he was learning on himself so I was like, "I want a tattoo" so I went hung out with him and he gave me one.  During that time I was kind of sort of off and on seeing someone so I had absolutely zero interest in AJ and I could tell he had no interest in me either so it was really cool just to hang as friends.  I was really proud of him because he had bought his own home, had a great job and was doing really good! He and I were friends on FB we liked each others posts blah blah blah blah...

Forward to this past summer and I had posted a refrigerator on Facebook marketplace for sale, I get a message from someone who is interested and it's him, so I send him a message on his messenger outside of the marketplace and I'm like, you need a fridge? didn't you realize that was me? so we get to talking I tell him I will sell it to him for less than I'm posting it and he's like ok cool! 2 weeks go by I'm trying to get rid of this fridge, other people are messaging so I txt him and well...... Let's see, people don't change unless they want to as I've written on here time and time again.  He's like you know what Jazzy just fucking sell it, so I'm like.... Are you mad? he's like honestly a friend would have already taken down the post on marketplace, like I told you I was going to get it blah blah blah... Obviously since I have a short fuse and I could care less if he is mad or not, I'm like, "are we really friends" because honestly, just because I chat with someone every now and then on social media and like your posts, that doesn't truly make you my friend! I see my friends, I go out to dinner with my friends, I visit my friends, I have physical (not sexual) but I actually see them and give them a hug, and I had not seen him in months and if I didn't reach out to him every now and then to check to see how he was doing, I would not know shit about his life other than what he was posting.  So you tell me journal, are we really "friends?" So of course AJ did what AJ does and he told me off and blocked me on social media! GROW THE FUCK UP! I was pissed at first but in the end I didn't care, it's whatever at this point, in Colorado people come and go it's almost a trend in this state it feels like UGH!

So I'm just now reading all these posts about how much I "loved him" and I came to a realization, all these people I have claimed to "love" where not really ever in my life.  Yes, at one point he and I talked every single day, we told each other things, we were each others "person" but I was in NYC and he was in Colorado, we had only seen each other in pictures (no one facetimed yet) and we would talk on the phone for hours, so of course he was my "person" he was the only man at that time in my life that I talked to and made me feel special, but love is so much more than just words, it's so much more journal.  

I figured I would come on here tonight and clarify my "loves" because thinking back at my love stories, I can honestly say that I have loved only a few times, like true love.  One which was my most recent ex, which by the way came to visit me earlier this year and all that came out of that was me making someone else feel like shit with my stupid immature actions and he and I no longer communicating.  Last I heard from him his messaged read and I quote "I am so happy I have a new girlfriend and I have never felt this happy ever in my life!" OUCH! I never even responded because I had nothing to say to that nor did I care and to be honest, I'm happy that he is happy! 

Regarding Benjamin (that's not his real name) the internet IT persona.  That love was the love I have always yearned for and till this day have never had.  Again, yes I met him in person, yes I never kissed him, yes he and I emailed (EMAILED!) everyday for like a year! we texted and emailed and all of a sudden I was "in love" but to quote something he said to me once "you are in love with the idea of love" yes! I was in love with the idea of what we could be, I was so madly in love with the idea of the love that we could have.  Yet this man literally played with my emotions knowing very well what he was doing and leading me on and making me feel all these things because I had literally never met anyone like him and was in awe! He was quite the catch not going to lie! he is now married to a woman who is older than he is (he's 10 years younger than I am) and he is still doing what he does (write about technology!) BORING! I bet if I had actually had the chance to actually be "in his life" I would have been bored to tears by month 6! 

I am for the first time in a long time, NOT IN LOVE sure I "think" I love someone right now, actually, I think about this character every single day which really annoys me.  I don't like think of him all day every day but I still do think of him.  I miss him often as I cannot deny we had the BEST TIME EVER! when we were seeing each other and hanging out.  But the reality is that I absolutely REFUSE to be in love with someone who also just led me on, played with my emotions and then had the audacity to make me out the be the "bad one" in the end! REALLY ASSHOLE??? He also told someone that if I were closer to his age he would have dated me. WOW! the whole time (almost 3years) that we were off and on "seeing" each other, he knew my age, he knew in his heart he would never "be with me" yet he kept me around because hey, why not, I was there might as well! damn, writing that last sentence made my eyes tear up.  He always knew that I wasn't the one for him, yet he strung me along for his enjoyment pleasure, he even once throughout our off and on shenanigans got a girlfriend and posted her all over social media on his bed with his kids, claiming how much he loved her! So yea, I was the bad evil woman who did some foul shit by sending him a picture of my ex laying on a bed next to me..... DAMN!! how did you like them apples ASSHOLE! and yet after I did that on a drunk night while crying 'FOR HIM" I couldn't apologize enough, but yea, in the end...... Jazzy is a bitch! OH WELL!  

There is only one person I'm in love with right now and that person is me! I'm taking care of me! I am choosing me! do I want to meet the love of my life and live happily ever after??? FUCK YEA I WILL! but until that day comes, when I can be like.... let me tell you all these stories and he can say something like... And thanks to all those losers I was able to get you! (ok that's mean and probably part of a romcom I once saw!) but seriously, one day we will be together, me and my one! whomever that will be!

For now I have been on two dates and then got off of dating sites because I don't have time, energy or desire to meet, talk to, or see anyone.  But, funny story is that one of the two dates I went on, knew the off and on asshole I was seeing for almost 3 years.  Of course that would happen to me! ha! he seemed like a nice man, very pleasant to talk to, but I knew from the moment I saw him I was not interested.  Knowing that the date would be the one and only date with him, I asked him if he knew said person from my previous paragraph above ☝ Since they are both in the same industry and it's a small community I had a feeling he would because he was in a higher level but still talked about companies he had worked for which were the same companies said person had mentioned to me during our for a lack of better term "situationship" (that's actually a real thing these days).  So I say the first name and I didn't even finish my thought and he yelled out the last name and I was like, yup! that's him.  By the end of the date he told me he thought I was very beautiful and very nice and a lot of fun and he would like to see me again, so I did what any decent person would do as to not hurt someone's feelings.  I told him I didn't think it would work out because it would feel awkward because he knew this person I had this thing with and I just didn't feel right about it.  He and I had never exchanged numbers so when I get home, I got a message saying thank you for being honest and that it was nice meeting me and then unmatched with me! Oh men! None the less, he was a nice man though and I sure hope he finds what his heart desires, but yea, had I been attracted to him I wouldn't even bring up asshole because why should I right journal?

I know I'm starting to write bitter stuff I guess I'm still as they say "salty" about that whole situation! but does it keep me up at nigh? NOPE! way to many other things going on in my life right now to worry about it.  I must admit there are days when I want to call him so bad and be like.... "can you please say we are cool" because I do feel this awful heavy weight, but why would I do that? reading my posts from 2012 I read something that reminded me of my authentic self, if you like, care, want to be with someone that doesn't feel the same way for you, the most loving thing to do is let them go.  I have forgiven myself for my actions my part of the story.  Maybe 10 years from now I'll be on this same journal writing about how we talked made peace and I was happy to know he was happy the end! 

Well, it's 11 and I have lots to do tomorrow before I go away for some much needed R&R I will write all about all the things when I'm ready to share, for now, please know journal that life is short and you should definitely live each moment like it is your last, because we never really know, as someone said on an Instagram post, death doesn't knock on your door and tells you it's coming, so live every moment in the moment and be the best person you can be!

Ta ta journal!

ps. this is the song I'm going to dedicate to my future love the day I am finally with him... I'm pretty sure it's already on my journal but I have been singing it lately not thinking about any one man, just singing it and enjoying the beautiful lyrics.  I leave you with.

At Last - Etta James (yes, I'm a hopeless romantic) oh Jazzy! :)

How to start?

 My lovely journal! it has been way to long.  Life just passes by and sometimes you are just so busy with it, you don't have time to tell your stories! so many to tell I don't even know where to start, so I will just tell you my latest one! Life has been really good and very peaceful! I can't even remember when was the last time I felt such a sense of peace and happiness.  I just don't have anything that is looming over me, or anything that is stressful, or anything that is dramatic.  I honestly think the last time I felt this way was when I first moved to Colorado a little over 10 years ago.  I was living life and it was just being present every single day, no distractions nothing looming, no life stress just chilling. 

I did have a car accident about 3 weeks ago but I am here to tell you the story journal so it wasn't completely horrible.  I am having a lot of neck and back pain but I have an amazing physical therapist and I have been feeling better little by little.  It has been a lot of work but what isn't? you have to work for everything in life it seems.  But yea, an accident that totaled my car, it made me feel sad the last time I saw the car when I went to pick up everything I had in it.  I still remember the day I accompanied my son to buy it in Portland, OR.  I remember we walked in the dealer and as soon as I saw it I was like, you need to ask about that one! Toyota Corolla 2018 blue, my favorite color.  We went in he asked and he bought it! afterwards, that car came to Colorado for about a year, then it went to Germany! yes Germany journal! it was driven around in Germany by my son and then eventually it made it's way back to the states.  First, it was in New Jersey, then CT, NYC and finally ended back in Colorado in my hands.  That car was good to my kids and I.  

Good things are happening though after that accident, I was able to get a new car, at least new to me! yay! I purchased it about 2 weeks ago and I LOVE IT! Toyota Rav4 the car I have wanted for years! it's not brand new, but today when I took it to my mechanic he told me I did good! it's in great working condition and I cannot wait until I start making memories with it.  I do have to say that driving makes me really anxious lately.  In the year 2024 I have been in 3 car accidents, it's been a bit much.  From the 3 only one was my fault and it was all over a piece of chicken ha! but to my defense, I work a lot and there are times that I barely have time to eat, a girl needs to eat, a girl was trying to eat her chicken and a girl looked down to grab her chicken and a girl hit the car in front of her due to looking down for a second to grab said chicken! it was ridiculous and funny to a certain extent.  I was so scared mainly because it was a work car and I thought I would get in trouble, but I did not.  All I did was fill out a form submit it and that was the end of that! THANK GOODNESS!

So yea journal, lot's of things have happened in 2024, and when it is all said and done, I think that all the events of this year thus far, have been for the best in the end.  I know that there are still a few months left for this year to end, but so far everything that has happened until today September 13th.... FRIDAY THE 13th! YIKES! have all been for the best.  Life is really good journal, it's so peaceful! and this girl likes peace! 

I will leave you with a song that I really like, it's super catchy! Good luck babe by: Chappell Roan

 

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal -

I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write about something wonderful that happened to me this past few days while I was in Vegas (no I did not get married!) but I did for the very first time ever in my entire life won!!! and I didn't win thousands of dollars, but I did win a few hundred with the help of my amazing friend that was with me! I can't begin to tell you journal how much fun I had! it was just the sort of trip I needed it seemed like it had to do not only with getting money and having fun, but getting clarity and making thoughtful decisions.  

Before I left to Vegas I had a pretty good idea that I was going to be dating someone I've dated before and part of me was telling me run and do it and the other part kept telling me, what the actual FUCK are you doing! I don't want to get into to many details but I am going to say this, I haven't been this single and this happy since I would say about 6 years ago.  The reason why I was single and happy back then was because I was not in love with anyone and had no cares in the world, I was focused on my own stuff and all I kept seeing was prosperity and I feel the same exact way now, I am so focused on myself lately that all I keep seeing is myself prospering, I have a clear vision of my near future, I have a vision of what I want and don't want in my life right now and I have not had such a clear vision in a really long time!

I got back on some dating sites mainly because I don't want to loose my "dating skills" but I am also doing it so that I can get "back out there" I want to enjoy my summer and have a great summer! I don't really know when I will have time for anyone, but I guess if I meet people that I feel are worth my time, I will make time for it.  Not really a priority but I'm not dead so might as well enjoy life while I'm here.

I have learned something new in the past few weeks or maybe I have always known but I still hope that people are genuine.  What I learned was that people take advantage of those who are kind and have an open heart and want to be helpful to others, except people don't realize that you should keep the good ones around and get rid of those who pull you down. Throughout my life I have had many people who have thought that they can treat me however they want to and I will always be there.  What these people don't know is that I see them, I can see right through people and in the end they loose, not me.  I say this because whenever I am in someone's life whether it's in a friendship way or work way or romantic way or whatever, I try my best to be genuine and be there for people in the best way I can, but there have been many times in my life that people think I have an ulterior motive.  I am just being me, I try to be authentic and genuine and as honest as I can be.  So, with all that being said today when I had my therapy session and was telling her all about my most recent adventures I told her that all in all, I am truly happy and life is good! Life is real good journal! And it makes me happy to be able to write a post that isn't about drama or sadness or anything but good stuff!

Oh one last thing journal, if all goes well, I will be going to NYC in August for a concert to see all the old school rappers! I just hope I am able to get tickets for that show because it's going to be CRAZY!

I will leave you with....... RUN DMC! walk this way!!! wish me luck that I can get these tickets!!!

My Love

 Dear Journal -

I don't usually say on my journal who inspired a poem or who I thought of when I wrote it etc. sometimes, I have shared it with the person it is about but not always.  This one however I will share who I wrote it for.  I wrote it for my ex who I loved more than anyone I've ever loved.  I don't think that I am capable of ever loving anyone again the way I loved him! even writing this makes my heart feel heavy and tears are rolling down my face; and still after 3 years of being apart there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't cross my thoughts.  And yes, we are not enemies and we are not friends, we just are, and sure I could send him this post if I chose to, but the truth is, I hope one day he will visit this blog and see it.

His name is CLS (Love) that was my name for him, I hated baby so I would call him Love even if there were a crowd between us, I called him Love...I don't want to write his name out because whomever knows knows and that's all that matters.  I remember when we first met at Walmart in person while I was purchasing something, I looked at him and said... wow you are cute! now here is the thing, he is 21 years my jr. so in that moment I was just giving him a compliment and he said the same back to me, that I was cute and I was caught off guard! I never in a million years would have thought that one day I would have been proposed to at the beach by him and that I could love someone so much. I believe he may have been my true love.....Maybe if there is such a thing!

We had so many good times and my heart aches because while he would often say "baby you can write about us" I never wrote the good, yet the moment there was something bad going on, here I came to you journal to talk about how bad he was.  Now thinking back we may have not been the perfect couple by any means but he was never abusive, never mean spirited toward me, he was just there for me through everything and anything! He is a good man! and while in the end it ended shitty and we both said mean things, the very last time I spoke to him I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn't know and my response was the same.  I feel like I may be over him now, but there are still days that I wish I had him by my side so there is that!

Someone told me not to long ago that it would be difficult for anyone to be in a relationship with someone almost two decades older, but I don't think that's true and what I believe is that it felt that way to this individual that said this to me, but it wasn't hard at all for CLS and I we were just in love and the only person who had a problem with our age difference was me.  I made that an issue yet him, he could care less what anyone including his family or mine thought about us because we loved each other and in the end, age is just a number! This individual that was telling me that it would be hard for anyone to be with someone older, also said that the reason why he wanted me back was because he was a little kid that wanted a mother figure. What the person who was saying this didn't know is that, me being a mother figure to him was the last thing he wanted and the one thing I never did.  He has a mother and they talked all the time and when I met him I helped him work on his relationship with her.  He and I had so much lust for each other throughout our 4 years together that there was no way in hell that he thought of me that way. Ha! when this person told me all this nonsense knowing only the bad things I had said about my ex, I thought to myself..... No not every man has a problem with that, because some men are real men that know how to take care of their woman so they won't get cheated on! but you know journal, I wasn't going to say that to this person because it was useless  waste of energy for me to defend my ex I know he loved  me and wanted to be with me not needed to be with me! 

I literally never did much for him honestly.  Everything he has, he has gotten on his own.  Often he did more things for me! he would wash my cloths, pick up after me, because I would leave my shoes and socks all over our apartment and he was very neat and liked everything in it's place which I loved! He  cooked for me and all these things I took for granted even though no other man had done,  all these things for me before.  I was his queen and he wanted to shower me with constant gifts and if he could have given me the world he would have.  I wanted to write this a while back because I kept thinking about what that person had said to me about my ex and it really bugged me, like don't talk shit about my ex when you didn't even know us together.  

I miss his beautiful deep blue eyes and those full lips I could never get enough of! His beautiful smile, why didn't I ever tell him any of this? I miss so many things about him and I don't know if I will ever truly be able to open my heart again to anyone because the hurt that I went through after that break up was like nothing I had ever experienced before in my life and I've been through shit! We lived together and even until the end, whenever I knew he was on his way home I would get butterflies in my stomach and get so anxious to see him even if we had texted each other all day, I can't even count how many times I fell in love with him, over and over and over again :(

Ok journal I came on here to share a poem I wrote for him in May of 2022..............

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My love what did I do? Why oh why did I run so far away from you!

I didn't mean to hurt you, had I known I would have stayed and held you!

My heart aches so much when I think of you, I'm so sad that you lost you!

If only I could turn back time I would do it all better!

And then we could have made it through the stormy weather! 

Oh universe Oh God please make him feel better, let his mind be well, let him get it together!

My ex best friend what can I do? How can I help you to be you?

My tears can't cure your current state of mind, but I send you good wishes and lots of love all of the time!

Be well my love get better! I know you have it in you to make it through all kinds of weather!

Be well my love get better! I believe in you, you will get it together!

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I will leave you with a song and one of my favorite pics I took one day that he was cooking, he can definitely get down in the kitchen! Good times!

Rest in Heaven Luther Vandross - Never to much..

Climb this hill together....

 Wrote this on August 26, 2022 While doing a 14er the one that I almost died doing! True Story! :(

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Hold my hand, let's climb this hill together we're the same!

Deep hurt it has touched us both, I'm scared but I know, that in the end the love will overflow!

I do not doubt, that there will be tears, but when they come I will be close to you my dear you need not fear as long as you open up to me I will not disappear....

Just hold my hand we can do this together and I know we can make it last forever!

Forever a year forever five forever 10 forever as long as you stay my friend.

We will break down the walls around each other's heart until they tumble down for this fear we have will only ever leave us down.

Let's give this a chance lets make last forever I guarantee we'll be better off than ever!.. 

Hold my hand let's climb this hill together!

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I will leave you with a short video I made when I made it to the top and also.....

7 Seconds............................

Soulmate Friend

 Wrote this in September 2022

Some come some go but some stay forever more!

I've known you so many years and I would cry so many tears....

And now look at us go, finally two friends no foul no foe.

I can't believe it took this long, but I'm so happy that we will be forever sure!

That our souls have been connected through time, that we love each other through all the tough times

I'm so glad that it was you, who gave me that one tattoo! 

So intimate so loving so sweet, my friend you sure are unique!

I knew there was a reason I met you, all those years ago!

I know I will never forget you and we will be friends forever more!

No intention

 Journal -

It's been a while, I don't have much to report honestly other than I will be traveling this summer and am really looking forward to it.  I've also been working so much I'm usually exhausted and barely have time to write or do much else for that matter. I've been working really hard on my selflove something I realize I've never had, I have pretty much let people walk all over me my whole life and I know why but I am not going to share it on here because that's why my book is already being thought out.  Actually last night I was hanging out with my friend who is a writer and we started planning out my book ideas etc.  I'm stocked that my friend can help me with it as it has been on my mind for years and I am finally going to start bringing it to fruition.  I gave myself 5 years to write it because the subject is hard and real and truly me, so it will take time to write something that is true. What else..... Not much else journal I keep saying that I am going to post some poems I wrote at the end of last year so her is one of them.  I called it no intention.

Written Sept. 2022

I have no intentions no no not anymore, it feels silly to continue to think of you and me forever more. 

Your touch your smell and all the things that you do well, will be forever in my memory, I have a new tale to tell. 

I choose to let it go because I know the truth, that I’m a game you played someone to take some space until you found what you needed. I’m sorry I didn’t measure up, I feel so bad for you because you’ve given up. 

Like me there will be no other and I promise you will never fully recover. You will always remember my smile, my soft skin, how happy you were when you would see me. 

Good luck forever is what I wish for you, but you will no longer make me feel blue. I choose to let it go because there is no reason for me to spend more time with you for yet another season. 

I am happy now because I finally see, that I am better off away from thee.

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I leave you you with Shakira - Monotonia - Lately I've been listening to her old and new music, she has so many great songs! Colombian queen she is! Also, I saw her at the airport years ago in Mexico city, Mexico, when she wasn't as famous and she is petit and very beautiful in person.

Where are thou my Romeo!

 Dear Journal -

As always, I think of you all the time, but life is always so busy for me lately that I don't ever have time to do this that I love so much! Lately, life has been pretty weird, I've never felt this way before and I don't know why, but there are days that I want to just run as fast as I can and never come back.  Of course I have always felt this way, this is why I have moved around so very much in my lifetime and to be hones if I were 30, I would be living in Paris! OH PARIS!!! I will see you again next year and I cannot wait! I LOVED Paris so very much! it was New York but with both old and new! with a different language and a lot of history! Kings and Queens and all the things I love from the Renaissance period.  Sometimes I think that I lived back then, but was only a peasant. 

So journal, I have a lot to tell you but I'm really tired.  I decided that instead of writing some long drawn out entry, I decided to post a poem I wrote in May of 2022.  I am working with my therapist on learning how to trust and feel safe, feeling safe is within and if I can't feel safe within, then how can I ever feel ok wherever I am? lots of work to do journal! but each day is a new day to work harder on oneself and be better than yesterday.  I leave you with my poem.....

Where are thou my Romeo!

One day, there will be no tears, no fears, no trust issues, no scary thoughts. 

The sky blue and clear, the one, he will be near. I know somewhere out there he is, why is he always kept so far from me…. 

Where are you my true love! Will I ever feel your tender touch? I yearn for your true kiss, and all the moments that we have missed! I can’t wait to make you smile, I’ve been waiting for you for quite a while!

I dream of you everyday! How will you look? How will you smell? What will you say? Will my trust issues and fears drive you away? 

Oh where oh where are thou my Romeo!

Are you on top of a mountain or out in the sea! 

I’m tired of helping please come and help me!

Why have you been kept away from me?

I'll leave you with.......

More than a woman from the Bee Gees.  

I love music and dancing! this is one of my FAVORITE classic movies.  It was actually filmed in my old neighborhood in Bayridge Brooklyn NY.  There is a scene where a car drives right past the last  building I lived in.  I noticed it the last time I watched the movie and it was so cool to see how that street looked in the 70's.  I LOVE how they dance, such beautiful art dancing is!

Knight in shinning armor!

 Dear Journal -

The post below I initially wrote in June 2022 but did not post it because I never finished writing it.  I did however want to post it because why not? So here is my June post for your enjoyment pleasure! Also, after this post, I did do 1 14er, which I did meet someone on my way up.  We stopped and talked for a bit and we both sort of kind of wanted to be like...... We should hike together sometime! BUT, I was to proud to ask for his number and I don't know why he didn't ask for mine.  He was around my age, tall and thin, blonde hair light eyes and very handsome.  I remember him vividly! what if he was.......... THE ONE! 😱 oh well! as I write this I'm laughing because I truly don't believe in the whole "ONE" concept, I believe in the many! Today is 1/14/23 and I just purchased a ticket for my next trip, I shall tell you all about it upon my return! until then, if I have some time I will post some poems I wrote a few months back, one which I actually wrote on this hike I went on where I saw this man.  I also almost died (more on that on a different day).  It is pretty late and I'm going on a morning hike tomorrow so I want to get to bed.  Life is really good lately journal, I feel pretty happy and just very relaxed and chill.  I did loose someone special on Dec 15th to a terrible accident, everyday when I think of my little cousin, I keep remembering what he told me the last time I hung out with him in Colombia in 2021........ Fuck everyone he said..... Be happy! I shall little cuz, I shall! Love you forever!

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How are thou my masterpiece? I absolutely have fallen back in love with you! I literally think of you everyday! what will I write next? what should I tell on this open book of mine? what should I keep deep in my heart and soul to only share in my book? what title will get people interested in reading you? and mainly, how do I get more female followers? that is literally my dream and the vision I had for this journal 11 years ago when I first started writing it. I wanted female followers because I write for women really! Men don't care about what I go through, at least I don't think so.  Women on the other hand, they may read something that resonates and feel like..... WOW! I'm not the only woman that feels this way! that is all I want, I want a woman to find this blog and feel like they read something that makes them feel like they aren't as crazy as they thought.  By the way, I'm all sorts of crazy! but I would not change who I am for the world! My grandmother (May she rest in peace! Miss her so much!) would laugh so hard at the stuff that would come out of my mouth, that she would be like, esta loca! (crazy girl) I can still hear her laughter in my head, it was contagious! I miss her voice so much!

Today journal, I want to tell you all about my knight in shinning armor! that's right, you read it here first, my knight in shinning armor! The other day I was talking to my cousin and we were discussing the fact that there is someone in her life that she really likes who doesn't know what he wants and this really frustrates her.  She is 27 years old and about to become a lawyer and he is already a lawyer they went to school together and have known each other for years, they have been friends for years.  She tells me that she's just tired of men not wanting to commit and we start talking about that and one conversation leads to another and then I tell her that I have this feeling that this summer when I climb 1  or 2 fourteeners (which are basically mountains that are 14 thousand feet above sea level) when I get to the top, there he is going to be! a knight in full on armor! I described to her this man in a horse with full on armor and we start cracking up! it was so hilarious because as I was telling her this, I literally had this vision in my head of this said knight from medieval times, I just LOVE anything that's from Medieval/Renaissance ages.  

The truth is journal, that sometimes the thought of falling in love ever again is probably the scariest thought I've had in years! after my last post where I wrote about my ex and the fact that he nearly died a few months back and the people in his life sort of blamed me for it, I went through about a week and a half feeling truly sad.  I literally had to talk myself through it all and remind myself that it wasn't my fault and that it didn't matter who people tried to blame, it wasn't my responsibility as he is an adult and made his own choices.  Hearing all that was told to me was really difficult and immediately after hearing all of it I felt a tremendous amount of love for him in that moment and my initial instinct was to run to him and "save" him, but after crying for a few days and feeling as heart broken as I did almost 2 years ago when we initially broke up, I had a really hard time and had to process it all with close friends in order to come to terms with everything that was told to me and I also had to make the decision that I need to continue to move forward and continue to do what I've been focusing on doing which is taking care of myself and working on me as I need to love myself first because how will I ever be able to love again if I can't even love myself first.  I just feel so exhausted from loving so hard my whole life and always being blamed for things that are not my fault. 

I will never forget when my ex husband (whom I was already divorced from) passed away from a drug overdose, I walked into the funeral home and the minute his sister saw me she started screaming at me saying that her brother was dead because I had left him! meanwhile, he already had a new girlfriend and a baby so how the fuck was it my fault? She kept yelling at me saying that the only person that could "control him" was me! who the fuck wants the responsibility of "controlling" a grown ass man.  That has always stayed with me and I'm just exhausted of being the "care giver" to the men I've been with and yes I do date younger men but they aren't little kids, they are adults so how is it my fault if they make their own choices? also, my first ex husband and I were only like 3 years apart so he wasn't that much younger and he had his mother and his sister so how was it my responsibility to "control" him?

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I HAVE to leave you with this song that the badass Shakira just released dissing the SHIT out of her ex husband cheating bastard! it's soooooooo GOOD!

Believe in you

 Dear Journal -

I know I have been gone for a very long time! One of the main reasons has been that I have been working so much I don't always have time for other things.  With the limited time I have, I try to get out and spend time with friends, I have to spend time with my daughter, granddaughter do self care stuff ie. massages and manicure pedicures, so I just always feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to do all the things that need to be done.

I have however written a few poems that I will put on here since I only have a few minutes before my next meeting.  I wrote this about a week or two ago.  I don't think I gave it a title so let's call it..........

Believe in you.

Disappear from my world, I cannot handle knowing your still in it, If you are here then I want you near me.  For without you my life seems unclear.  

You came into my world and it seemed it would be brighter but lies were told and truths were hidden and I became the wiser.  That you were never a real friend and that all your truths would be uncovered in the end.  

You said you were always honest but honest to who? Was it to feel better about you? Your words never matched your actions.  The end would come I sought it out, but I thought without a doubt, that at least friends we would always be. But all you did was lie to me. 

And all those moments were just to keep me around longer, you knew I was loyal, because I was older.  And as I sit here writing this story, I only know that I feel sorry, sorry for you that you need validation, from woman to women seeking some pleasure as you feel that you were a failure.  

I will tell you this however my ex friend, the fulfillment you seek are all within you, I know deep inside you still feel blue for what that other woman did to you! She broke your heart into pieces.  She bared your children but didn't give you a family, yet that is what you truly and really wanted! And that is why when I met you, I felt that I needed to stay true to you.  I wanted you to see your worth and that some of us are not the worse! 

Now I know I stayed around for way to long, and yet you never even wrote me a song.  

I’m hurting now and feeling betrayed, but one day winter will surely end and the spring weather will lift me up again! And I will blossom and I will glow even though your words were a blow.  But no no one can break me the way someone broke you, because in your heart you will always be blue until you truly start believing in you. 

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I will leave you with... One of my favorite Monet's Art Work... So beautiful!

This lovely snow with my baby!

 Dear Journal -

The other day, I was asked out on a date and I MADE myself go! my now ex friend D, ex friend because he blocked me and is no longer talking to me; kept pressuring me saying that I needed to go out and meet new people.  His words, you need to be under so you can get over it! Well, we got into this argument and I called him a man whore and then he said I thought I knew everything and I was just like fuck this! so I unfriended him on snapchat and the only reason why I did was because I thought to myself that it was best not to talk to him all day every day as he was becoming my boyfriend that I didn't have sex with! Who the fuck needs that? He and I met last summer and we were intimate not even a handful of times and then we just became friends, he started telling me about all his "women" and I would tell him my stuff and he was there for me a lot of times, when I was sad, when I was happy, when I needed someone to vent too.  He told me all these things about women and I don't know, to me it's like ok you're a dude but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with everything that moves! His life is his and maybe I shouldn't have judged him and called him a man whore, but we had been getting into a lot of useless arguments so my thought was, if we don't snapchat, we won't talk as much.  Well, the next day I went to send him a message about something legit and realized I hade been taken off and blocked on everything by him! OUCH! Regardless of all of that, I ended up deciding to go on a date, because I kept telling myself why not? what do I have to loose? 

Ok, first let me just say that I NEVER care about going on dates, for as long as I remember I can't remember a time when I got excited or dressed up or did anything special to go meet a man for the first time when I've met them on a dating site.  However, last Saturday I talked myself into getting excited about some dude that had asked me out to dinner (I also never like to go to dinner) but I said yes and he even offered to pick me up, but since I recently watched the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix, there was no way in hell I was going to get in a car with a man I didn't know! (that documentary fucked my head up more on that in another post!).  On Saturday afternoon I even went to Macy's and bought myself a new blouse because I wanted to get all dressed up and feel pretty for my date! So....... Fast forward to 7p.m. I'm all dressed up even wore stiletto heels! Side note, I don't ever wear stiletto's anymore because of my foot injury but I was like I don't care I'm going to look HOT! I felt really good and got in my car and started driving toward the restaurant where I was going to meet my date..........

Then it happened journal....... I started balling! I couldn't stop crying thinking..... why the fuck is this happening to me? I wasn't supposed to be on a date, I was supposed to be married right now and I cried and cried thinking about my ex! I felt so heartbroken! When I got close to the restaurant I got myself together, make up all over my face, but homeboy I was going to meet wasn't there yet so I had time to freshen up.  When we finally met I thought he was really handsome we went in sat down ate a good dinner (I made sure to not talk with my mouth full) as someone had pointed out to me that I do that! no one had ever mentioned that to me and I was grateful that he did because hey..... I always want to be better and mind my manners and have some type of etiquette! 

Homeboy and I had a great dinner great conversation it went well, I even gave him a good night kiss! with tongue! OH MY! I went on my merry way and decided on my ride back home that I would not be seeing him ever again! When I got home I had a message saying how great I was and beautiful and he would love to see me again bla bla bla and I said thanks it was fun and left it at that.  The next morning I got the dreaded good morning text, which my friend makes fun of me for because I HATE those! If I'm seeing someone and like them I want to be showered with good morning and good night txts., but when I just met you, it irks me! I know, I'm weird! when I finally responded I let him know that it was nice meeting him but I was not ready to "be out there yet." 

Fast forward to Sunday night.  I started thinking about why people block other people on their phones social media whatever and I decided that I do it when I get into a situation that I CAN'T HANDLE emotionally I can't deal with it, I do it for me, it doesn't really have to do with the person I'm blocking, to me it feels like; if I block you, then I don't have access to you and I will be less likely to snoop or try to find something out or reach out to the person or whatever! so that same night, I decided that I was going to unblock a bunch of people I had blocked in the past that I felt that didn't affect me anymore, in other words, unblocking someone because what they do no longer concerns me and I'm likely not going to feel the urge to reach out to them or any of that.  In other words, those people are people I knew but no longer communicate with and it's ok, I've dealt with it and feel ok about it. 

When I started to unblock people, there he was, my ex and journal, let me tell you that the first thing I did when I unblocked him was to well....SNOOP! It was this incredible urge to see what he is up to, where are you? who are you with? why don't you talk to me? why aren't we married? I started going through his pictures and noticed that the picture of him and the woman he was with after me was gone and guess who's picture was still there... ours, his and mine one of the first pictures he and I took together in the snow and the caption read.... "This lovely snow with my baby." I started balling! and then I started snooping determined to find out what the fuck is going on with him because for a few months now I've had this feeling this premonition that something isn't right with him, that something is wrong, I have felt for months that he isn't ok! so I couldn't control myself and finally found someone I knew would be honest with me about his whereabouts, so I reached out to this person half afraid they wouldn't get back to me and two days later, there it was, the response!

I found out that my love nearly died and that he was not well at all! I found out that he isn't him anymore, that he isn't the person I once knew, I found out that while he was almost in a comma he kept calling out my name and telling me he loved me, I found out that he kept saying that I left him for another man, I found out that his whole family hates me because I left him when he needed me most! Journal, that is so far from the truth! He left me! had I known what was happening to him deep in his heart or that life was becoming overwhelming to him I would have NEVER left his side! I loved him more than anything! I had to make decisions that were really hard but we had a plan! He was suppose to come to me and we were going to get married, buy a house, get a dog and travel the world together! we had PLANS! he left ME! so when I heard all of this I was completely devastated and been so since. 

This is all I can think about for the last few days! I just want to get on a plane to Oregon and hold him tight and tell him everything is going to be ok! tell him I'm there! tell him I'll never leave his side again! I'm so heartbroken journal! I do feel like I left him when he needed me the most, but I had no idea what he was doing, I would never leave the person I love when they need me, on the contrary, I will ALWAYS be there for the ones I love! so to think that a whole bunch of people hate me without knowing the truth, is really hurtful.  The person that told me all of this is someone I trust and know wouldn't make this up, we cried together while they were telling me this sad horrible news.  

I am so glad he is alive, because if the news would have been otherwise, I don't know that I would of been able to handle it, it's just too much to bare! I reached out to a family member and never heard back.  Don't they know there is two sides to every story? If you are my friend, please don't ever say things to me like.... You ducked a bullet! when people say these things to me it really hurts me because only he and I know our story.  He isn't a bad man, he's just a man going through trials a tribulations, he's just a man who is still learning and growing, he's a young man that is still figuring life out.  Don't judge him! don't tell me I ducked a bullet! He made me happy and we had problems like everybody else end of story! He's not bad, I'm not bad and like my oldest son said to me and my oldest son got to know him, he said mom, I'm so sorry! He's a good guy! coming from my son, that meant the world to me and I don't care what anyone else thinks or says, there are two sides to every story..........

I will leave  you with......This lovely snow with my baby!