Dear Journal -
I know, shame on me for neglecting you! It isn't so much that I am neglecting, it's more so that nothing really interesting has been happening in my life for me to sit down and write about it. Life in Colorado is very relaxing and cool and it's pretty darn sweet I must say! I work and spend time with my kids and do nothing else. I barely go out anymore, I just feel exhausted like I need to do nothing. And it isn't that I'm physically tired, I mean yes at work I move around a lot, but not so much that I should come home so tired, but I do. I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 months last week and I found out that I have gained 20 pounds since I've been in Colorado. I sort of knew that I had stopped caring about myself but I never realized how much.
I realized a few days ago that I'm depressed, I keep trying to figure out why I'm depressed, but I can't pin point the reason and then yesterday I felt it really bad and I know now what my deep down reason is and his name is AJ. Today is his birthday and I can't send him a message to wish him a happy birthday. I will not, but if he ever comes across this post, I want him to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Happy Bday AJ! may you have many many more! I feel sad that he and I cannot be friends, that we do not know how to, that the feelings between us don't allow it. About two months ago we had a fight and I told him that I was dead to him, and I am. As much as I miss him I feel that I am better off without him in my life. Anytime he starts to like some girl he pushes me aside and accuses me of ruining his relationships. I don't understand how that can be possible. I think he uses me as an excuse not to fall in love with anyone because he is afraid or maybe he loves me and can't admit it to himself. I really don't care what the reason is anymore, I am not going to allow anyone to be my friend only when it is convenient for them to have me in their life.
I am such a loyal person to the people I care about. I also love him and it is difficult for me to accept that he is with someone else, so I rather stay as far away from him as possible. But I have been feeling really down and missing him so much. How is he doing? last year we were also not speaking on his bday and I used that as an excuse to call him, we talked and I told him that since this year I would be here for his bday maybe I could take him out to dinner, well, guess not. I would love to be able to sit with him and talk the way we do, just hang out eat some good food and talk about life, but that is nearly impossible for us to do.
Anyway, back to my 20 pounds. I decided last night that I am done with being down and done with not caring about my health, so effective tomorrow I am going back to the gym and starting my healthy eating habits again. I'm really happy that I have my friend JC in my life, he is so sweet. We talk everyday all day long and it wasn't until last night that I was out with him and his friend, that I realized how jealous he gets sometimes when I talk about this one guy that I sort of like that JC and I work with. But then I became jealous too when he kept bragging about his best friend that he's had since they were kids. I was a bit drunk though so it was more the liquor reaction than anything else, I don't think of JC in a romantic way at all. I see him as someone who I love as my good friend, who I can talk to about things and who is just a really great person to have in my life. Of course when I told AJ about him, AJ accused me of being "after" him. What the hell does AJ know about my relationships with people since he has never truly let me into his life the way a real friend does? I am just some little treasure he has hidden from the world, that he uses when he feels he needs some love. And of course knowing myself the way that I do, I bet the day if ever that he feels like walking back into my life, I will probably hold him tight and tell him how much I love him, because I do not know how to be fake. But I won't be holding my breath waiting for anything like that to happen, because I am dead to him as I stated nearly two months ago. For as long as I can remember he has been telling me that he wants me gone, so that is exactly what I have done, Jazzy is gone.
So starting tomorrow I will try to be more consistent with my writing. I will be thinking about different topics to write about as to keep you entertained, I will tell you now it probably won't be much about my current life since there isn't much to say, but I do need you journal to keep track of my health, of my weight loss. I feel like I need you in order to stick to my plan, I don't want to let you down so you will be my rock. I am ready to get back on track and to fit into my cloths properly, I am ready to be happy again. I am ready to get back to the gym and give it my all. It has been a year now that I don't run, and it is so depressing because that was one thing I truly loved, but I am thinking that maybe I will take up swimming instead. For now, I leave you with this.........
I vow to you journal that my life will change effective today, that I will no longer eat sloppy and careless. That every time I think of letting myself go I will think of this promise I make to you and that in a few weeks I will have some wonderful news about how great I feel because I am back in the gym doing what I love, which is working hard to maintain a healthy weight.
Eye of the tiger
By: Survivor
I know, shame on me for neglecting you! It isn't so much that I am neglecting, it's more so that nothing really interesting has been happening in my life for me to sit down and write about it. Life in Colorado is very relaxing and cool and it's pretty darn sweet I must say! I work and spend time with my kids and do nothing else. I barely go out anymore, I just feel exhausted like I need to do nothing. And it isn't that I'm physically tired, I mean yes at work I move around a lot, but not so much that I should come home so tired, but I do. I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 months last week and I found out that I have gained 20 pounds since I've been in Colorado. I sort of knew that I had stopped caring about myself but I never realized how much.
I realized a few days ago that I'm depressed, I keep trying to figure out why I'm depressed, but I can't pin point the reason and then yesterday I felt it really bad and I know now what my deep down reason is and his name is AJ. Today is his birthday and I can't send him a message to wish him a happy birthday. I will not, but if he ever comes across this post, I want him to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Happy Bday AJ! may you have many many more! I feel sad that he and I cannot be friends, that we do not know how to, that the feelings between us don't allow it. About two months ago we had a fight and I told him that I was dead to him, and I am. As much as I miss him I feel that I am better off without him in my life. Anytime he starts to like some girl he pushes me aside and accuses me of ruining his relationships. I don't understand how that can be possible. I think he uses me as an excuse not to fall in love with anyone because he is afraid or maybe he loves me and can't admit it to himself. I really don't care what the reason is anymore, I am not going to allow anyone to be my friend only when it is convenient for them to have me in their life.
I am such a loyal person to the people I care about. I also love him and it is difficult for me to accept that he is with someone else, so I rather stay as far away from him as possible. But I have been feeling really down and missing him so much. How is he doing? last year we were also not speaking on his bday and I used that as an excuse to call him, we talked and I told him that since this year I would be here for his bday maybe I could take him out to dinner, well, guess not. I would love to be able to sit with him and talk the way we do, just hang out eat some good food and talk about life, but that is nearly impossible for us to do.
Anyway, back to my 20 pounds. I decided last night that I am done with being down and done with not caring about my health, so effective tomorrow I am going back to the gym and starting my healthy eating habits again. I'm really happy that I have my friend JC in my life, he is so sweet. We talk everyday all day long and it wasn't until last night that I was out with him and his friend, that I realized how jealous he gets sometimes when I talk about this one guy that I sort of like that JC and I work with. But then I became jealous too when he kept bragging about his best friend that he's had since they were kids. I was a bit drunk though so it was more the liquor reaction than anything else, I don't think of JC in a romantic way at all. I see him as someone who I love as my good friend, who I can talk to about things and who is just a really great person to have in my life. Of course when I told AJ about him, AJ accused me of being "after" him. What the hell does AJ know about my relationships with people since he has never truly let me into his life the way a real friend does? I am just some little treasure he has hidden from the world, that he uses when he feels he needs some love. And of course knowing myself the way that I do, I bet the day if ever that he feels like walking back into my life, I will probably hold him tight and tell him how much I love him, because I do not know how to be fake. But I won't be holding my breath waiting for anything like that to happen, because I am dead to him as I stated nearly two months ago. For as long as I can remember he has been telling me that he wants me gone, so that is exactly what I have done, Jazzy is gone.
So starting tomorrow I will try to be more consistent with my writing. I will be thinking about different topics to write about as to keep you entertained, I will tell you now it probably won't be much about my current life since there isn't much to say, but I do need you journal to keep track of my health, of my weight loss. I feel like I need you in order to stick to my plan, I don't want to let you down so you will be my rock. I am ready to get back on track and to fit into my cloths properly, I am ready to be happy again. I am ready to get back to the gym and give it my all. It has been a year now that I don't run, and it is so depressing because that was one thing I truly loved, but I am thinking that maybe I will take up swimming instead. For now, I leave you with this.........
I vow to you journal that my life will change effective today, that I will no longer eat sloppy and careless. That every time I think of letting myself go I will think of this promise I make to you and that in a few weeks I will have some wonderful news about how great I feel because I am back in the gym doing what I love, which is working hard to maintain a healthy weight.
Eye of the tiger
By: Survivor
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