Dear Journal -
I wanted to write I really did, but I've been lazy! that's the only excuse I have! but last night I was thinking about AJ, whom I sent a message to the other day after not talking to him for nearly 3 months and he responded, but I almost regretted the initial message, because I don't know if I wanted to talk to him, or just reach out to him to make sure he is alive and well. I almost feel like at this point, just knowing he is ok, is enough for me. Anyway, last night I felt like I had a lot to say to him, so I wrote him a letter. Initially I thought about letting him know about it, but then I decided that I would just give it to you instead, my faithful journal. I think sometimes it's good to express what you want to, but when you feel that it won't make a big difference, there is no point in sharing it with the individual. So I basically wrote the letter below and saved it to put it on the world wide web and share it with whomever crosses this page and feels like reading it. Because this is my journal.
Dear AJ -
You blamed me for ruining your relationships. But what you should really blame is your feelings. Yourself for never allowing us to just be. Giving your feelings an opportunity may have made us everything, or nothing at all. But at the very least we would have had a chance. Instead you let your judgements about our age difference dictate what could or couldn't happen.
When I met you, you convinced me to allow myself to see you romantically, I only did so because I thought you were a rebel, I thought you would fight for what you wanted and cared about. After knowing you for three years I've learned that you are just scared. You are the same scared man that I talked through a rough night at a roommates apt. Who you thought was going to beat you up. You said you hated the fact that you were always afraid, and with my love I gave you the opportunity to change fear into happiness, but you were to scared to be even that, happy.
I don't want anything at all from you anymore, not even your friendship would matter, because that was definitely not real. It took me a long time and new friends to realize it, but now I do, I realize that everything was just ideas I made up in my mind. The only thing I truly regret is that I believed you, I believed in your honesty and even your love. That last night we shared, when sitting in your back porch you said that the reason why you had contacted me again was because you had realized that you were all I really had here in Colorado, and you did not want to leave me alone. Those words were the most amazing words anyone has ever said to me, they meant a lot to me and I believed them, and if I would have had nothing else but your sincere genuine friendship and that alone, I would have been so happy, because you were all I really had here. But not anymore, I now have true friendships, honest and caring friends mostly male, one who is even younger than you are. So age really doesn't matter when friendship is concerned, so why did it matter so much to you? at this point it doesn't matter anymore, all I know is that your words were insincere, or maybe you meant them and that's what you really wanted, but again your fear took control.
Regardless of all that has transgressed, I will always be here if you ever need me, because I got one great thing from you that I will forever cherish and always be thankful for. And that is this new wonderful life that I am living now. You telling me to consider moving here and me doing it. Everyone has a purpose in our lives, I hope the purpose of me in yours was to teach you lessons.
I sent you your movie. We no longer have any ties. I hope with all my love that you are truly happy. Because love is not selfish, and because I love you, I have let you go.
Love Always
Your friend Jaz.
P.S.
The last time I saw you and said I would always be here, I meant it. My word is my bond......
Safe and sound:
By: Rebelution
I wanted to write I really did, but I've been lazy! that's the only excuse I have! but last night I was thinking about AJ, whom I sent a message to the other day after not talking to him for nearly 3 months and he responded, but I almost regretted the initial message, because I don't know if I wanted to talk to him, or just reach out to him to make sure he is alive and well. I almost feel like at this point, just knowing he is ok, is enough for me. Anyway, last night I felt like I had a lot to say to him, so I wrote him a letter. Initially I thought about letting him know about it, but then I decided that I would just give it to you instead, my faithful journal. I think sometimes it's good to express what you want to, but when you feel that it won't make a big difference, there is no point in sharing it with the individual. So I basically wrote the letter below and saved it to put it on the world wide web and share it with whomever crosses this page and feels like reading it. Because this is my journal.
Dear AJ -
You blamed me for ruining your relationships. But what you should really blame is your feelings. Yourself for never allowing us to just be. Giving your feelings an opportunity may have made us everything, or nothing at all. But at the very least we would have had a chance. Instead you let your judgements about our age difference dictate what could or couldn't happen.
When I met you, you convinced me to allow myself to see you romantically, I only did so because I thought you were a rebel, I thought you would fight for what you wanted and cared about. After knowing you for three years I've learned that you are just scared. You are the same scared man that I talked through a rough night at a roommates apt. Who you thought was going to beat you up. You said you hated the fact that you were always afraid, and with my love I gave you the opportunity to change fear into happiness, but you were to scared to be even that, happy.
I don't want anything at all from you anymore, not even your friendship would matter, because that was definitely not real. It took me a long time and new friends to realize it, but now I do, I realize that everything was just ideas I made up in my mind. The only thing I truly regret is that I believed you, I believed in your honesty and even your love. That last night we shared, when sitting in your back porch you said that the reason why you had contacted me again was because you had realized that you were all I really had here in Colorado, and you did not want to leave me alone. Those words were the most amazing words anyone has ever said to me, they meant a lot to me and I believed them, and if I would have had nothing else but your sincere genuine friendship and that alone, I would have been so happy, because you were all I really had here. But not anymore, I now have true friendships, honest and caring friends mostly male, one who is even younger than you are. So age really doesn't matter when friendship is concerned, so why did it matter so much to you? at this point it doesn't matter anymore, all I know is that your words were insincere, or maybe you meant them and that's what you really wanted, but again your fear took control.
Regardless of all that has transgressed, I will always be here if you ever need me, because I got one great thing from you that I will forever cherish and always be thankful for. And that is this new wonderful life that I am living now. You telling me to consider moving here and me doing it. Everyone has a purpose in our lives, I hope the purpose of me in yours was to teach you lessons.
I sent you your movie. We no longer have any ties. I hope with all my love that you are truly happy. Because love is not selfish, and because I love you, I have let you go.
Love Always
Your friend Jaz.
P.S.
The last time I saw you and said I would always be here, I meant it. My word is my bond......
Safe and sound:
By: Rebelution
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