Johnny...............

 Dear Journal -

This morning I went on an awesome hike! I love when I get to go hiking early in the morning because the air always feels crisp and being out in nature alone, gives me this feeling of peace mainly because there is no one around, while no one is watching, I stop and talk to animals like prairie dogs! Sometimes they look back at me and it almost feels as they are trying to tell me something, I always feel like I'm "having a moment with them" in reality they are probably just watching me to see if they need to go back down into their holes! 

I feel like I'm going through some sort of transformation right now (maybe it's mid life crisis?) although I do believe I went through mid life crisis during my late 30's but then again I've always done all kinds of crazy stuff, so maybe I'm just going through one of my "phases" or maybe I'm just still going through the healing process of my break up.  I still cry every few days when I think of my ex, sometimes I cry out of anger, other times I cry out of sadness and others I just cry cause I'm a bit of a cry baby! regardless, I am definitely transforming and I have to say that my transformation feels really good! I decided a few days ago to just be with myself, by that I mean that I stopped going on dating sites or talking to a bunch of random men, who usually only manage to piss me off! Today when I told my boss about my new "I'm not going to date anymore for a while story" she laughed and said I was crazy! My boss is pretty cool! I always update her with my latest life story, I feel pretty lucky to have the new team and people I work with in my life, as they have been a huge support to me with all the changes I've gone through this past year.

Anyway, I'm on this trail, and I was thinking about my past, but most specifically about my childhood because this month is child abuse awareness month.  I was thinking about my childhood and all of a sudden, he came to my mind! my very first boyfriend Johnny! HOLY SHIT! my very first kiss! I will never forget Johnny because Johnny liked me soooooo much, I'm almost certain that if he remembers me these days, he might categorize me as his first childhood heartbreak! I was 12 years old and I'm pretty sure we were in elementary school still.  Johnny for some reason thought that patting me on the head was the boyfriend thing to do, so whenever we saw each other, that was how I was greeted! I laughed so hard on that trail by myself looking like a crazy person just imagining myself back then with Johnny! I will never forget, that him, his brother, my best friend Julissa and I, went to Prospect Park in Brooklyn and we were by this wall just hanging out, my friend Julissa and his brother had already kissed before, so they kissed and then Johnny and I were talking and he grabbed me and kissed me and then..... he touched my butt! hahahaha........HOLY SHIT! first kiss and first butt squeeze! I WAS MORTIFIED! I remember grabbing his hand off my butt and just staring at him! Johnny was Puerto Rican, he was pretty fair and had long dirty blonde hair, I think I kind of liked him, but I also think I said yes to him being my boyfriend mainly because the boy I really liked didn't pay me any mind (he did once we turned 16 and I dated him briefly) but when I was 12, Johnny was the boy that had his eyes on me!

It's so cute to have these vivid memories in my brain, because I was abused as a child journal, I've never written that on this blog, and as I'm typing this, I'm starting to feel pretty sad.  This month is child abuse awareness month, once upon a time, I was a child and I was abused, and it is only now that I can openly talk about it, for years I felt as if I had done something wrong, not anymore! I was treated unkindly by another human being.  My childhood memories are not like other people's memories, most of my memories I've buried deep down inside so I don't usually remember stuff or rather, I try not to think of myself at that age because mainly it's pretty painful! but today I did and I laughed and I wondered what ever happened to my old boyfriend.  I don't remember his last name or I would look him up.  My best friend Julissa and I also lost touch in our teens, she was awesome! her and I would choreograph dances to different songs, we both LOVED to dance! we would come up with dances and then get matching outfits and then perform for our friends! it was awesome! I wish I could find her also!

If you come across this post and you suspect that someone you know is abusing a child.....PLEASE CLICK ON THIS LINK:  Child Abuse Hotline

I'll leave you with this song, I kept listening to it today, I love music!