Happiness is within each and everyone of us. As we get older, we start to accumulate all sorts of as my Philosophy teacher would say "dust" and we begin to sort of look for happiness outside of ourselves and as we get older and go through more painful experiences, we just keep accumulating more and more "dust." Unfortunately for us however, happiness is not what someone can do for us, happiness is what we can do for ourselves. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness.
Journal - Yesterday was a really rough day! I literally stayed in bed and cried for like 3 hours straight, it was almost physically impossible to get out of bed, but some how I managed to do so, and I went for a long walk, and decided that I could turn my day around. This left me thinking about depression and how difficult it must be for people that have to live with it, to live their lives every single day trying to change their day around! The first paragraph of this post I got it from a post I wrote back in 2012 that I called "That Bit$ch slept with my boyfriend" I was reading the post because I have been reading through my blog and feeling really happy that I kept all these my life stories on here, reading them reminds me of what I've been through and how I have made it through it all, and while I know for a FACT that there are others out there having it WAY harder than I do, these are my experiences and my truth and the other day I was telling someone I had a blog and when they asked what I wrote about, I said my journal, my life. Then later I remembered that I started writing because back then I wanted to say something that would resonate with someone, or something to make other specifically women, know that they were not alone in what they went through.
This morning I feel way better, I'm about ready to start my day, I have all sorts of plans for what I need to do and I feel pretty good. I think though again, about those people right now that are feeling the way I did yesterday and today and everyday! My heart feels heavy, because I don't know or understand how I could help someone that felt that way everyday; and as I think of it further it makes me think of why so many take their own lives and how I can understand how there are days that you just don't want to be here anymore.
In my teens I contemplated suicide so many times, I think most teens do. But as an adult, I definitely have had days even recently, when I felt tired with life and just didn't want to be here anymore, but I have always been a pretty resilient individual, I have always worked through my stuff, I write, I talk it through with friends, I express what I feel or need to say to others, and at the end of the day, I quite frankly don't give a fuck what anyone says or thinks about my honest and sincere thoughts. However, there are those who do care, who don't know how to express, who don't have anyone they trust to talk it over with, who are alone and sad and blue and giving up.
I just got a new tattoo that represents suicide awareness. I got it in memory of Tim Chase (May he RIP). I never knew Tim very very well, I was just getting to know him, he would come over my home, we would talk about different topics and he would always tell me how much he loved my niece and what he wanted to do for her. He loved his baby and my niece. I never in a million years thought he would take his own life. He was my niece's husband and they had moved to CO to be close to me. The day that I got the call about what had happened, feels like a big blur, but all I can remember is thinking..... How come I didn't see this coming? for a long time I was very upset at the fact that I am a social worker, and yet I didn't see the signs, but the truth is, most times there are no signs.
Depression is real, I honestly don't think I could handle life if I felt every single day the way I did yesterday. When I have those moments, I know how to help myself through them, but most people don't or can't or just no longer have the will to do it. It's so important to check on the people you love from time to time and be like.... "Hey, you good?" because you don't know what people are dealing with, I feel like life is this big chaotic thing sometimes that you have to navigate every single day and it gets exhausting!
When I lived in NY there were SO MANY TIMES..... where I had to FORCE myself back toward the wall of the train platform because I would often be like.... If I jump in front of the train then it's all over, or what if I just jump? sometimes when I lived on the 6th floor of my apartment in Brooklyn, I would look out the window and be like, what if I jumped? how would that feel? It would scare me that my mind would have those thoughts, and I almost think I would have if I had to live with depression. Lately, I have felt that empty feeling inside, that like sadness that just constantly lingers. I know that I'm still struggling with the loss of my best friend of years. I know that it has to do with the fact that I don't know anything about him these days, I'm still not completely over this change in my life. But I also know that this is a phase and that I will feel better eventually. I think I wanted to write to you today journal because, some days it's really hard and I hope that if someone comes across this post one day and they are feeling down, that it will help them to know that they are not alone in the way they feel. That life is a series of moments and that everything slowly passes.
Someone told me the other day that I had a passion for life, I've never heard anyone describe me that way. I don't ever think I am passionate about any one thing, but I guess I do appreciate life and want the people I know, the people that are in my little world, to be happy and healthy and to know that I'm always here if they need someone to talk to, you just never know who's life you might save just by listening.
If you come across this post and need help, click here:suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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