Textationship.....

 Dear Journal -

I wrote a whole post the other day and didn't post it because I noticed that on there I was going on this crazy rant that was so ridiculous, I was to embarrassed to put it out there! I haven't even re-read it because I think honestly that I was kind of sort of feeling tipsy and I was just to blunt, to well, myself! Life has been pretty good lately, the best part of my current life is that I don't wake up and the first thought is my ex! I told my friends last year that if by this year at this time I was still crying or not over my ex an intervention would have to take place and I would need to catch a beat down because I would not allow ANYONE to control my thoughts and my mental well being for more than a year! I literally set that up as a goal! And I realize that every journey is different and I'm not saying that you can't take longer to heal from a break up, but for me, I did not want to be in that bad place for too long, it was devastating! in 2 days it will be a year that we officially broke up and I remember it so vividly, I was in physical pain, I had to call in sick to work because I could not function and I cried all day long and it was just one of the hardest days I can remember, my ex broke me!

Now, I am not saying that I don't still think of him pretty often, I am not saying that I don't still love him, I love him with all my heart! I will likely always love him in a way and yes, I may have been drunk a few weeks ago and I may have sent him an email telling him that I missed him, that I hope he was well, that I had loved him with everything that I am and that I hope one day he will not hate me or feel whatever it is he feels towards me that keeps him from speaking to me.  As I anticipated, he never responded, but that made me happy because it told me that he is in a bit of a better place than he was a few month ago when he wished death upon me like 5x.  I know that people always say things like.... You need to not contact your ex, or you need to just let him go or, get over it already.  But the reality is that this was not just some dude I was with for a few months, this was the person I almost married and I could care the fuck less what anyone expects me to feel or where to be in my process, If I feel like messaging the person that wished death upon me because I don't hold grudges, then I will.  I never want to live with regrets and messaging him that night was something that my soul needed, because I felt still and maybe still feel, this heavy weight of like, we didn't close this chapter out in a peaceful manner, I haven't had the luxury of being like, thanks I'm so happy that we are now good! So, maybe I will never get that from him, but he knows me well enough to know, that I have to be the one that leaves things without carrying a grudge or feeling like I didn't say something nice in the end because that is who I really am! however, I do feel a whole lot better and I am ready to start a new chapter of my life.

So, I met someone maybe like a month ago I can't remember and I'm hoping that he hasn't found out about you journal, because he found me on Instagram and told me how I showed up as someone he may know, but he's never mentioned FB or anything like that.  I don't have a link to my blog on Instagram I don't think.  The reason why I would prefer he not know about you yet journal, is because I want him to know me and once I'm ready I will tell him about it.  

With out further a do, let me tell you about D journal.  I met him on tinder and on tinder his name was well, D! I never message people I match with because they never respond! like literally anyone I've ever matched with that I reach out to first don't respond, so a long time ago, I decided I would never reach out to anyone again, typically I just swipe on people I find attractive or whatever and then if they reach out to me I will take the time and read their bio.  He messaged me and when I read his bio, it was pretty short but it said dad bod and that made me laugh, we had a chill conversation, nothing crazy, I gave him my number we started texting and about a week in I was like, so, I like texting and all but I'm not looking for a texting buddy sorry! and you haven't mentioned meeting up with me so I'm going to let you know right now that if we don't meet in person soon I'm not going to talk to you anymore! 

Clearly he did what any smart man that has had the pleasure of talking to me would do, he was like ok yes of course, I'm sorry I'm sort of rusty on all of this, I should have said let's meet....blah blah blah! I then realized I was being a bit of a bitch, so I digressed and was like, I just want to meet because I have had very bad experiences in the past and I want to make sure you are real! 

We made plans and we met up, I wasn't happy about the fact that he lives about 40 min away which isn't terrible but still, UGH! When I first saw him I thought he was really handsome and super tall! he's like 6'3 long dirty blonde hair and beard and beautiful green eyes, and his body.... OH DAMN! he plays hockey so he told me that he is trying to stay fit so he's been biking and just really caring for himself which I really like about him also.  He has a daughter and she's his twin, she's 7 years old and his whole world! He's a great dad and I LOVE THAT! so I guess all this to say that I like him, he's cool!

As with everything in my stories, nothing can ever be just chill, nope, not in my life! God forbid I met the complete package! wtf! We hung out and had a great time and haven't seen each other since, which has been really weird and I think he had his daughter for the week after we met and then I traveled but there were a few days that I feel we could have seen each other, so I don't know what to do about this situation anymore because here is where I'm at with all of it.  We all have our emotional and our physical needs! and at first I was like ok, well, I'm not going to ask to see him again obviously because well, I'm not asking and so we start texting then he adds me on Snapchat and I don't usually use Snapchat too much, but I do talk to a few friends on there so I was like whatever like I'll just start talking to him on here and so every morning I started getting a message a picture a video whatever and at first I was like he's so weird, and I was like, what are you 15? and he was like.... You gotta keep up with the times! which he was absolutely right about! So I started going along with it, as time has passed I've sort of gotten into it and when you think about it well, Snapchat was intended to send pics and that's how you communicate.  He Never sends me like inappropriate pics or vice versa, it's always some random shit that makes me laugh! I now usually wake up and if I don't get something from him I start to miss him, but here is where shit gets tricky.  It is so easy to get emotionally attached to someone that you are constantly talking too and this has happened to me in the past so I'm really careful! This is exactly why I told him we needed to meet in person first, because I was not about to get cat fished.  I have been on these dating sites way before they were as big as they are now, so I know all the games all to well and second, because well I don't have time for just talking, I want to meet someone that I am actually going to spend time with and we don't need to talk all day every day, but there needs to be a balance of a little bit of both.  I can do, a little spending time a little talking.  But I can't do all talking no spending time or all spending time and well, you leave my home and you don't exist! 

I made a decision right before I met him that I was not going to be spending too much time on just one man, meaning that I know enough to know when a man has a real interest in me and if I'm not getting all of my needs met I'm out son! I am not going to invest time in people that are not investing time in me.  Currently he is traveling, but I told him already that I am hoping we will spend time together when he gets back, I mentioned it once, I'm not saying shit anymore.  When he gets back I'm going to sit back and pay attention to his actions, which I've written on here a million times that actions speak louder than words to me, if he gets back and we don't see each other within that first weekend of him getting back, PEACE OUT SON! I don't give a FUCK! how much I enjoy his messages and how much fun I'm having getting to know things about him through his pictures or his videos which I have to say he gets so damn creative I just love it! I will be in my car driving and laughing so hard at something he sends me! I'm THAT person, sitting in her car cracking up! SO! because I can also be very creative and inventive, I start to think about something I want to send too, so it's a lot of fun and if this ends up being nothing I can assure you that I will miss that for sure, but I WILL BE DAMNED! if I let anyone play with me that way.  

I don't know what's going to happen and I have to say I'm a little nervous either way, I'm nervous because the thought of this developing into more, literally makes me want to throw up! I'm SOOOO TERRIFIED, of getting to close to anyone! It is the scariest shit ever! however, I also know that I can't allow myself to build a wall and become the cold hearted bitch that I was my last major break up, when I was accused of using people, I can't and I've said this so many times that I don't want to be that woman ever again, but sometimes I am truly tempted because it's way less scary! 

I wanted to write about this because I have said that I am going to write my love story on here one day and while I have absolutely NO IDEA where this new adventure is going to take me, I also don't know if I'm writing my love story right now, I don't know if D will end up being my next true love.  He may be that or he may be my next disaster, either way, D has no idea that I'm writing about him and he will only know about it if he becomes someone special if not, he will never be the wiser.  I do have to say that as the days go by, the attention he gives me makes me like him more, so I have to be really really careful that I don't allow my emotions to cloud my better judgement, I need to always be aware of "are my needs being met" or "am I getting what I'm giving" or "am I settling." Right now it feels ok and I have only known him I think a month or so, but I refuse to waste months with one person, because well...... WINTER IS COMING! I want to cuddle! I have to admit, that the more I get to know him, the more I like want to see him again so I can hug and kiss him, this tells me that I'm definitely liking him a little more than I should, but hey, a girl needs and misses affection!

I will leave you with.... Bad Habits - Ed Sheeran