Dear Journal -
I'm pretty much done with traveling! I'm soooo exhausted! I don't know how people can do that for work, like travel all the time. I've met a few people in my lifetime that have had demanding jobs that they have to travel for and they told me horror stories! but mainly, they always said missing their family was the hardest part of their job.
I have one more trip this year and then I'm staying put for a while, I don't really want to go anywhere other than Europe to visit my son, but that won't be happening until next year sometime. I miss my boy so very very much! since he has been in the military, I have visited him anywhere he has been stationed, because I will travel across the world for my son! He's such a great young man, and this weekend when I witnessed my friend marrying the love of her life, I thought about my children and how much I want that for them, to find their best friend, soul mate, the one person that they would be ready to travel through ocean's for!
I traveled through oceans for my ex husband, literally for about 4 or maybe 5 years I would go visit him in Colombia, I loved that man so very much once upon a time, but when I think about our relationship, he definitely wasn't my best friend, our relationship was pretty forced, it's a long story, but the other day he stayed with my kids and I for a few weeks, and being in the same home with him for what seemed forever was really hard! I tried my hardest to stay away and in my room while he was with us and I could tell he was very uncomfortable also, but he has become more of a family member to me than anything else, it's just weird because I can't even remember what our relationship was like, it's funny how one moment you can be completely in love with someone and the next you are hiding in your room avoiding conversations with that same person! I mean sure we talked and gossiped and had a few laughs, but all in all, we were both pretty happy when he got his own place."
Nothing crazy has been happening in my life lately journal, other than me thinking about what I want in terms of a man. It's so funny because when I was with my most current ex and I was feeling really unhappy, I would often sit and think about this "ideal man" that I should be with and now that I am single and have the opportunity to maybe one day meet this "wonderful human" I keep lowering my standards and making excuses for things and just not even knowing what I want! it's kind of crazy! the only thing I feel that I really want is to feel that connection, that like feeling of "I feel like I've always known you" type situation, like when you meet someone and it's just this natural flow. I should though be thinking about things a little deeper though. I can't really come up with anything other than, I want to feel attracted to this person, I want to feel the "spark" that very very rarely happens to me! I don't really spark with anyone to be honest! ugh! it's so annoying! so does that mean I'm shallow? does it mean I'm all about looks? not really! like what's attractive to me isn't attractive to others. I'm not some teenager who cares about what my friends are going to think about the person I sleep with. But I do need to feel attracted to someone to even consider that. Sometimes I will see a man and be like, OH WOW! he's hot! but that doesn't mean I'll sleep with him. Thinking someone is attractive is very different than feeling attracted to that person!
I've been talking to someone I like, he's cool, but I think it's already over! ha! that lasted all of two weeks! I told him yesterday that I didn't want a texting buddy, because it felt like all we do is text, snap chat and that is not what I signed up for! like I don't need to see pics of your every move! this is a grown ass adult man with a kid! I swear this only happens to ME! we talk talk talk, but I've only seen him once and sure we had a nice time together, but I want someone that actually makes time to see me AND wants to also talk to me when we don't see each other! is that too much to fucking ask for? I'm not going to be someone's "text buddy" what am I 15? fuck all this bullshit dating shit, I'm done! this month I'm going to focus on trying not to eat beef! now there is something productive to do! It's so much work, getting to know people! I don't know that I have the energy or desire to do all of that! yet, I still have hope that one day I will get to write my love story right here on this journal! don't know when or how, but I know I will!
I'm tired, I'm going to bed journal!
ps. my title was inspired by a movie I thought was hilarious! I love Jack Black and Gwyneth Paltro in this movie! maybe if we could only see the beauty in others, this world would be a better place!
Shallow Hall Wants a Gal!
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