Dear Journal -
Today was a long day! I was in court most of the day (for work) and that is always very draining! non the less, I made myself go to my boxing class because I had all this bottled up anger inside of me that I needed to release and honestly after I left there I felt so much better! I enjoy boxing and feel like I'm definitely learning some moves and that's super cool!
Once I got home I realized that I had not eaten so I ate gold fish and M&M's that I had in a drawer because I had bought them for my granddaughter but we had forgotten that we bought them and I was saving them for her but they looked so good that I ate half the bag! FML! this is why I #fail at diets! not that I'm in a diet really, but lately I have been trying to eat healthier. Since I came back to CO from OR I have lost a total of 22 pounds, that's insane! I don't even know how I had all that weight on me but my old cloths is starting to fit and it feels amazing! I have been working so hard on getting fit again, and when I put on a pair of pants that all of a sudden feels bigger on me the sense of accomplishment is so overwhelming. At my age it is way harder to loose weight and when I was younger it was so easy. I mean I've been working out consistently since my late 20's and I was fit throughout my 30's then in my 40's I started to gain weight and it was mainly because I had an injury and couldn't continue to run which is what I loved so much!
This summer I have a lot of plans so I've been trying to get fit as I want to hike and do another 2 or 3 14'ers and the once that I haven't done (there are 58) are harder than the once I did last summer. I don't intend on doing all 58 but I mean I do want to do a few, it's so fun to just get to the top of a mountain that is 14 thousand feet above sea level that the thought of it makes me super excited! I have been hiking more so that I can prepare myself for this and I have been able to take shorter times doing the hike I typically do which is about 3 miles total but it's a climb! and the other day I got to the top without having lost my breath and I was like HOLY SHIT!!!! this is amazing! I just feel really good because I had lost my hope about loosing weight like I had been struggling for so many years that I was like, ugh, I don't want to try anymore and also, the pain on my foot always brought me down. Being with my ex didn't help the matter, he didn't care how I looked, he always told me I was beautiful no matter what and whenever he would see me do my little work out YouTube videos in our bedroom he would always encourage me and say "good job baby!" he wasn't really the work out type so he and I never did stuff like that together, but I didn't really care. I feel like I'm the type of partner that doesn't need someone to have all my interest or that I need to do everything with, I don't know, like I like my alone hikes so if I met someone that wasn't like we need to go hiking every week, I think I would be totally cool with it.
Speaking of my ex, so I have been getting weird text messages from weird numbers it has happened twice and it really messes with my head because I think it's him. I don't know maybe I'm wishful thinking because I would really like to talk to him and see how he is doing but I don't know that will happen anytime soon so whatever.
The other day I told someone that I know the love of my life is "out there" and today when I was thinking about that further I realized that I don't really believe that and that I tell myself that not to feel bad about the fact that at my age I don't know that I can say I had a "love of my life" and sure that's sort of cliché but who cares. Sometimes I feel like society has all these expectations about what a "good life" should look like and it's all bullshit. The truth of my life is that love has always been just like a bigger burden than something good, the more I talk to people that are in serious relationships the more I'm like UGH! gross! like I don't know I'm often conflicted about being in a serious relationship and never know what I want.
Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this is because I told someone I wanted to "be with him" but I think what I really meant was that I wanted to be able to trust him, to feel secure like we were only seeing each other and not other people. When I think of relationships I feel like his definition of relationship is different than mine. I am at a point in my life that I don't care too much to be close to someone else's family I mean at least not initially I think those things take time, I also don't think about it like I need to be with someone 24/7 I like doing things on my own and I enjoy my life. I don't know the word relationship makes people really scared. I guess I don't take life so serious where like being with someone is that big of a deal to me, what I mean with that, is that to me is not so much about the word is more about who we are to each other. If we feel this closeness to someone and two people decide that they are happy just with each other and don't need more people to fulfill them.
Anyway, this person turned out to be a liar and fake and so deceitful and honestly it didn't surprise me in the end because I always had this feeling like there was something he hid, like there was more to him that he was hiding and it was just always this uneasy feeling about this person. I felt really sad that I was trying to start out for the first time ever it feels like, to trust at the beginning and only not trust when someone gave me a reason not to. When I started feeling like I may want more with him, I was honest about it and asked him how he saw us, I trusted this person so much! I wanted to build a friendship that was based on trust because if anything came out this "thing" that we shared I didn't want to start out in a negative way where I would automatically not trust someone that I didn't even know. However, in the end he turned out to be just that, a liar. I don't know, it's almost as if no matter how hard you try to believe in people, people just constantly let you down and it is such a bummer. Why is it so hard for people to be sincere and genuine? I was so honest and so real with this person from the start and I think that's what hurt the most. I feel so deceived and hurt by this, I mean I'm starting to feel a little better about it because I keep thinking that it isn't worth putting so much energy into this negative feeling of being down about someone that did not even value me as a person, so I've been working on trying not to think about it, but it still sucks a whole lot.
So journal, I guess that's my week so far in a nut shell! I want to start writing about different topics and also start posting more things on my FB Jazzy's Journal page so I can attract more followers. I am also going to start writing the first chapter of my book, I am starting this weekend and I have an idea of at least how to start. I have been talking about writing a book for so long that I think it is time to at least start it, I know it will take me a long time so I have given myself about 5 years, I hope to accomplish it before then, but I want to give myself years as the stuff I am going to write about will be really hard.
Without anything else to report, I will leave you with.....Jazzy Belle by Outkast
No comments:
Post a Comment