Dear Journal: 9-15-12 Just let it be!

Dear Journal: I'm writing to you from my iPhone, my lap top is sick! and at the shop getting all fixed up! my poor Mac!

"Just let it be!" that's what he said! (insert sad smiley icon here)

Today I was driving home from food shopping and on my way home, I started thinking about the day that I sang a whole song on a voicemail to Benjamin.  I love singing! and it isn't everyone that makes me feel the urge to sing them a song, but Benjamin, he was my love and it was that love that inspired me to want to do the things that I did.  Too bad he never appreciated that pure feeling in my heart that I felt for him.  I almost feel sad for him for rejecting it, for he will never know a love so true.

I often sing to my friends, my friend Lisa, may her soul rest in peace, would call me and when I would pick up the phone I would answer it singing a song to her in turn, she would always sing to me.  So, some of my friends get sang to, because I love them! They will call me and I will answer my phone singing! I haven't done it as much lately, because my friends don't call me, they always text me. OH BROTHER!

But I do, I love to sing and dance, and every Saturday morning, I get up, play some music and sing and dance with my little girl! It is so much fun! We then proceed to have a bubble bath and she washes my hair and I wash hers.  Having a daughter was a wish I had, that came true... Wishes do come true you know, you just have to Believe! have faith! and wish! With ALL OF YOUR HEART!

Anyway, so there I am on the Belt Parkway, admiring the Verrazano Bridge and I began to think of AJ.  It  has been three months since we last spoke and I miss him dearly.  One night, we were on the phone, and he sang a song to me, he sang a whole song! It was the funniest cutest song I had ever heard! What he didn't know, and I never got to tell him, was that I had always wished for a man to sing to me, and therefore, AJ had made my wish come true! While he was singing, I was crying, I was overwhelmed, because I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe, that it was he who was making my wish a reality! He sang to me! and other times, he would play his guitar while we would talk on the phone.  Oh journal, how I miss his love! He was so talented and wonderful! I miss my friend!

Today was emotional, I guess the most emotional part of my day, was thinking about what my friend told

me the other day, and me trying to follow his instructions.  The other day, when I told him that I was scared, that I was afraid to allow people into my life in an intimate way, because that meant that I would be letting go of Benjamin forever and that felt scary.  He told me a quote that I can't remember right this moment, but it is something similar to,  "it is only when you leap, that you learn to fly!"

After he told me that and I took a deep breath, I decided that I would take the leap and at least try.  However, if I tried,  it would not be with just anyone, it would be someone that I felt that was worth me at least attempting, regardless of how scary attempting may seem.

So I proceeded to do as my good friend Pat instructed and I almost asked a man out, I mean, I didn't say something like, would you like to go out with me? But I heard myself saying things like, well, when can we hang out? I was just trying really hard to make a real effort, an effort to TRY, to allow the possibility of something special or to at least get to know someone, truly get to know someone, someone non virtual, someone that was real and in front of me.  I wanted to just hang out and talk.  Take it slow and attempt to allow intimacy back into my life one step at a time, because I will not rush myself or others.  

However, the minute I began to ask, or attempt to, the minute I made an effort, I heard him say the phrase, "Just let it be" obviously, there was more to the conversation that led him to say those words, but I want to keep that part of the conversation, to myslelf, because it was a bit of an intimate moment and only he and I would understand the language we were speaking.  However, when he said that, I translated it as... No thanks! 

In that moment I felt glad that I didn't go to the extreme of actually asking, because I was being rejected, I mean I didn't officially ask him out on a date but I sort of did.  I got rejected, but at the very least I felt good, because at least I am trying! I took a step that I couldn't before, I allowed a possibility to happen and that is something I have not done.  I felt sad and rejected, yes! but at the same time I felt happy and proud, I am proud, because I am trying.

I am proud that I am finally taking the little steps that are required to feel like I am FINALLY, after almost 4 years, allowing myself to not be afraid, allowing myself to think that I can.  And even though what happened felt hurtful, it didn't matter, because it also felt good! It felt like something real.  Something that I have not experienced in years, and something, I didn't remember! Of course this means I go back into my shell, but that is ok, I'm sure that there will be someone else, one day, that will make me feel the urge to ask or maybe someone will ask me and it will be someone that I will feel toward him, the same way I feel about the person who I asked.  

Anyway, I feel like all of these experiences, are preparing me for the day I climb Mount Everest (I'm not really going to climb Mount Everest, but I told someone joking that I would) and at the top of the mountain, there he will be! My knight in shinning armor! 

The man that I will be able to write to, sing to, dance for, draw for and just not be afraid to give him all of me! Because he will bring out all the best in me and I will be giving him all! Not just bits and pieces! It will be so awesome! 

When I came home and told my friend that I had tried and been rejected, my friend ever so wonderful told me that, that man was a fool! YES HE IS! 

Thank God I'm not looking for marriage! Actually, I was telling my niece the other day, that about age 50 is a good age for me to get married! At that point, I will marry someone for real! I will have that wedding that I deserve, and I will know, that this is the man that I will spend the rest of my life, singing too and dancing for and drawing for and writing for, and baking for and cooking for and giving him, all the very best of me! because he will be the man that will truly deserve, all that I am! 50, that sounds like a decent plan! It also sounds like a good wish! And, since all my wishes come true, I know this one will too!

After all, I am Jazzy and Jazzy ALWAYS does it her way! Who said you can't have your dream wedding at 50? Where is that rule?

An eventful day indeed! Jeez! GN my sweet ever so faithful journal! 

Loving those who defend our country!

Yesterday was September 11, 2012.  I am not going to sit here and write a blog about how sad I felt or what I did or what it meant to me remembering that day.  I will not write any of that, because I quite honestly, am CONSTANTLY reminded of that tragedy.  The reason is, that I don’t work far from the site where it all happened, so I am watching as the new buildings are going up and actually quite often take pictures of them.  I also sometimes stare at them and think to myself, that I don’t know how I would feel going in them once they are completed.

A few years ago, I started to try to practice a new discipline, a discipline which only a guru can really really really achieve, that discipline is called living in the moment, becoming one with the universe and accepting the world and taking it all in as it is.  Sometimes, I am really afraid, because as I have written before, sometimes when I am too present, it is REALLY REALLY SCARY! I almost wish I lived in denial the way I once did, because life was sort of easier, everything was just drama and chaos, that’s what we do, as human beings, we create drama and chaos, in order to not be accepting of the reality of life, and honestly, maybe it’s better that way.

But now I don’t know how to go back to being that blind person.  It is difficult and I struggle every single day, because I am as honest as humanly possible and sometimes, or maybe nearly always, my honesty gets me into all sorts of trouble, it isn’t fair!

Last night, I sat in the emergency room at a hospital with my mom, she wasn’t feeling well, while I was sitting there waiting for the doctors to tell me what was wrong, I couldn’t help but to admire all those wonderful amazing human beings, that devote their lives to saving others, to helping people, to making a difference with the work that they do, it was amazing to watch them, paying attention to them and absorbing their humanity! I was completely overwhelmed with emotions.  

There in that hospital, life was just overwhelming, I saw things for what they were, I realized that we all have an end and that any one of  those people in those beds, could be any one of the people that I love, the ones that are important to me.  Then, to get distracted and kill sometime, I went on Facebook and started going down the news feed and as I was doing so, a picture caught my attention, it was a picture of two people in the military holding a flag, as soon as I saw them, my dear awesome ex “boyfriend” Tim, came to my mind! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/my-boyfriend-tim.html

My TIM!! I remember him telling me why he had joined the navy, how him witnessing the tragic events of 9/11 had given him the last push he needed to go through with it, how he wore his uniform with pride and how much he loved our country! Then, while thinking about all of this, I missed him dearly! my good friend Tim, who I had not spoken to since February of this year, when I had ended our “virtual relationship.” After thinking about him sadly for a few minutes, I decided to do what I have been wanting to do for months now and I went to my old emails and took the leap, I contacted him.   

I was soooo scared! I kept thinking, I hope he responds!

So, I took the leap and sent him the message and to my surprise, from the other side of the world a few minutes later my ex Navy “virtual boyfriend” responded.  I can’t even express the happiness that hearing from him made me feel! It was like oh my god! I can finally say I am sorry! FINALLY! I can ask him to forgive me.   

So, without further a do, I went straight to the point, I confessed to him how I felt/feel and how sorry I was.  I asked him why he had not contacted me and he told me that he had not done so, out of respect for my wishes! HOW AWESOME IS HE? Tim, the kind human being that he is, after I began my apology and told him everything I needed to, he responded that he forgave me.  I cannot even begin to write, how great that forgiveness felt! 

Automatically, I felt like new, like I could breath again, like I was ten pounds lighter! talking to him and catching up felt so awesome! there was no bad feelings no bad vibes! just my friend and I catching up, saying we were sorry! He told me that he was sorry for having pressured me and I told him I was sorry for not being able to be the woman he wanted me to be for him, I didn’t know how to, I don’t know how to be anyone’s anything anymore, it is so scary! Yet he understood and understands me.  I have to say that I am sure lucky to have some real friends, friends that have gotten to know me, friends that understand me and love me unconditionally no matter what! 

That is what life is all about, that, them! I think I now understand why I have been ok being single all these years, one of the reasons is, that I have had the opportunity to meet great human beings that are my support system, genuine people that love and understand me, people that know how to forgive and to communicate and understand that it’s not ever on purpose or spiteful or games, it’s genuine and sincere and true. 

One thing that I did feel horrible about, was that he told me that after I broke things off with him, he read a journal entry that I wrote and he sort of put two and two together and sort of figured out what had went wrong.  This journal is getting me into all sorts of trouble, but what I write on here, it’s truth, it’s passion and it’s me.  However, I need to learn how to be yet even more sensitive about who and what I write, because the last thing I ever ever intend, is to hurt someone with my words.  So, I will show him this entry and on here I will say once more.

TIM, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LOVING ME AS A FRIEND, THANK YOU FOR FORGIVING ME, I AM SOOOO DEEPLY SORRY THAT I HURT YOU! AND I THANK YOU ALWAYS! FOR DEFENDING OUR COUNTRY!

YOU ARE JUST WAYYYYY AWESOME! XOXOXOXO…….

As a side note, if you happen to come across this blog post, and you happen to think with reading this that there is someone you need to apologize to, PLEASE DO! it is the most beautiful gesture and wonderful thing for both you and the other person, it is good for once SOUL! just remember, that tomorrow is never promised! 

WELCOME FALL!!!!!!

Dear Journal:

My FAVORITE time of year is upon us! FALL! oh how I LOVE THEE! I get so excited about taking out my sweaters and sweat pants and sweat shirts and all my boots! I LOVE it!  I am feeling pretty happy because I already started my fall semester and I must say I am really enjoying my classes.  It's focus time again and all the summer fun is over! NO MORE BOYS for Jazzy! yeah, it sucks, but to be honest this past summer, I did a lot of casual dating, met some really cool guys and had a whole lot of fun! I have to say though, that out of all the casual dating that I did, the very best thing that happened to me, was meeting my D.B.S! with his HOT looks and sexy lips! Woo Hoo!

I have to tell you, that meeting him was absolutely awesome and no lie, if he were older, I would be pulling all the moves to make him my man! I would probably even COOK! OH MY! Ha! seriously though, he and I met on a site called Skout and when he sent me a message and I saw his picture and thought to myself that he looked like a guy out of some magazine cover, I nearly looked behind me and pointed at myself like who me? yes, I now LOVE him! we went to the beach on I guess a date? but laying there in the sand catching some rays and just talking about every single subject imaginable, I think we both quickly realized, that we were not destined for romance, but rather our paths had crossed for something deeper and way more meaningful! 

We realized that the reason why our paths had crossed, was to build a platonic friendship, where we could talk to each other about anything and everything! I LOVE him! He is so awesome! I never have to worry about anything I want to tell him, he is always ready to listen and talk to me and tell me everything will be ok! he in turn, always looks for me, to tell me about all his worries, fears, and of course love life.  I have to say, that maybe another summer has come and gone, another as I like to call it "dating season" has passed for me, and yes maybe I didn't find love, but at least I stay in the game and am not letting myself become one of those women that like give up on dating and love because they had a bad experience.  I also feel that I need to socialize and go out and interact with the opposite sex as it is healthy.  I am not bitter about love in any way shape or form, I am just not rushing it either, I am doing the things I need to do for myself and in the process, when I have some free time, I socialize accordingly.  So, no, I didn't find love, but I found yet another wonderful man to include in my close circle of close male friends! 

I am always seriously in awe, of how really young men these days, handle themselves and think! how come they weren't like that when I was younger? or is it that I just didn't get them? my D.B.S. is 21 years OLD and I mean OLD because he seriously thinks and acts like an old man! and yes, we hung out and it was supposed to be romantic, and YES I AM a Cougar! but, I used to be ashamed of myself for dating younger men.  But I am not anymore, what am I supposed to do if that is what I attract? so, I work with what is put in front of me.  I refuse to stop my life, and hide from the world of dating, because the men in my age group don't approach me, hey, I am not looking for marriage! THANK GOD! Additionally, I refuse to go out with the one or two men in my age group that might approach me, just to go out with them, when I don't even like or feel attracted to them, HELL NO! I am not out to make others happy, by doing what is viewed as "right" in society, I was never one to care about what people thought about me as a young woman, so I will be damned if I start worrying about others opinion of me now.

Dealing with a younger man, you go in knowing that they are exploring the world, they are learning and growing.  I never have expectations of them and with them it's always fun, no pressure.  Older more "mature" men, pretend to have it together, and sadly enough, they are usually confused and all over the place. Yes, I am confused to, but at least I admit and accept it.  I don't know what I want, because for a woman to know what she wants, the man has to sort of make her want her want him.  Like, if a man knows what he wants, he usually guides the situation, so if some great awesome man came into my life and guided me in the right direction, who knows, I might give up all my dating and fun.  I don't know, getting involved seriously with people in my opinion, is just something that sort of happens, you can't really plan it.  Like when I was talking to my AJ who I miss so badly, I just sort of automatically started feeling a sense of loyalty and belonging to him, I wanted to be with him and only him.  Things didn't work out, but it was natural with he and I, it felt so right.  I miss him! I don't know journal, I think that my "one" is going to end up being some young hotty that's going to know exactly what he wants and what he is going to know he wants is well.... ME!

Anyway, summer is over, dating game is over, time to focus on some serious school work! by the way, my Saturday professor is kind of cute! I love it, I'm glad my classmate from last semester isn't in the same class with me this semester, he kept telling me that I should ask my professor out, he kept trying to encourage me, because he said he could tell that the professor looked at me a certain way.  Now, I am not going to deny that my professor was a straight up HOT intelligent man, probably in his mid to late 30's with salt and pepper hair, but just because I think someone is HOT, it doesn't mean I like them.  There is a difference between liking someone and thinking they are handsome, I think a whole lot of men are handsome, that just means I like looking at them, it doesn't mean I want to kiss them, I'm weird what can I say! anyway, if my ex class mate would of been with me in my Saturday class, I can just imagine him telling me to ask my professor out.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN! I refuse to ask a man out, for me to do that, I don't know, it would take a whole lot.  

I sometimes feel that my friends are more concerned about the fact that I am single, then I am.  People don't seem to realize that I have goals and things that I am doing, that are way more important than love.  Do I get lonely? of course I do, but when I do, I ask one of my friends about their relationship and when they start complaining, I remember why I am sooooo glad I'm single! DRAMA! WHO NEEDS IT! the biggest dilemma in my life right now, is having to write this paper for my Jewish Diaspora class. Now that is the sort of drama I am ok with!

Anywho, that's pretty much it for me these days! life is good and I am not complaining about the fact that my professor is a hottie! there is nothing like some good old eye candy to keep you awake in a Saturday morning class! woo hoo! thank you Brooklyn College for hiring some HOT professors! I'm sooo very lucky!

STOP! STALKING ME BI!£H!

I wrote and posted this from my iPhone, I couldn't fix it properly before posting. 


Dear Journal:

The other day, I was talking to my friend who told me that he had a bad experience with his  ex because she kind of stalked him and then a few days after that, another friend, told me that she was afraid of this one guy because he would call her at all types of hours.

So, when my first friend told me about his situation, I have to admit that the first thing I felt, was really sad.  I felt really sad, for the girl he was calling a stalker.  

I felt that way, because I have referred to myself as such and I know on my part, why I have done to Benjamin or why I became his as I would tell him to his face "personal stalker" now here is the thing.  

Stalking is indeed something that is very real and very scary! I have never been stalked, so I can't say I know how it feels.  I have however, read articles and forums on stalking because i want to make sure that I am not genuinely mental or that i might have a serious problem that requires me to seek mental health counceling, althogh mental-health counseling is awesome and i always encourage it and wish i could have a personal shrink sometimes.

But, with respect to people in general the use of that term to describe an ex, is a bit much in my opinion.  I have  a feeling that the people who are considered by societies norms as "normal" and they stalk an ex, it's usually only because they probably have not gotten closure.  

In my case for starters, I don't ever bother Benjamin any more.  In fact, all I ever do or did is look at his Face Book page and his twitter and Blog, which are all public.  Additionally, I wrote him an email almost everyday for 2 and a half years, which I am POSITIVE that he read! and how do I know? because  he accidentally slipped and mentioned to me EVERYTHING I had ever told him.  And, he also slipped another time when I had told him I had bought this new sweater and he slipped and said oh yes, I saw that! REALLY? I guess, he also enjoyed reading my FB public statuses and looking at my pictures!

I seriously feel like at this point I have been looking at his stuff for almost 5 years because while we were friends I loved his writing, its beautiful! I admire it, I look up to him almost, so reading his stuff sort of became a habit of mine.  Part of my daily routine. 

 NO i'm not saying that it's healthy for me to still know about him, since he's not worth it, but, I am looking at something that he is putting out there for the world to see, its public and yes I do still feel like I love him.  But it's a different sort of love.  I don't know it's difficult to explain.

However, if what I do is stalking, then anyone else, that goes onto anyone's Facebook page or any other social network site to see how that pesrson is or because they miss them, then they are stakers also.  

My point here is that some times we want to look at someone's stuff because maybe we just miss that person, or wonder how they are, if it's accessible, then what are we doing wrong? 

I guess what I am also saying is, that reading what someone has to say, is hardly actually stalking.  I mean I do call myself that, and I do so mostly because I want to remind myself that I need to get over him already.  But actually, I can honestly say that I don't think of him nearly as much as I once did. 

Anyway, back to my friend and what he told me. I felt really sad about what he said about the ex, because I sympathize with  her.  Maybe she needs to tell him things and he doesn't give her the opportunity, maybe she needs him to say he is sorry, or vice versa.  I dont know the details of their relationship, but sometimes people are to quick to use the term "stalker" when that term in my mind, is such a serious accusation.

When Benjamin and I saw each other last year, he told me that he couldn't believe I had kept writing him letters for two and a half years.  When he said that, my answer was, well, you encouraged me don't even make me go there! what was his answer? He giggled! That's right! He fucking LOVED my attention! I made his ego bigger than it was and is! Fuck him! 

When I sometimes think about him and not allow myself to feel sweet and kind and love, because that's my true nature.  I think, damn! that moment would of been the perfect moment for me to have slapped him right across his face for being such an asshole!

What did I try to get out of him all those years and still wish I could? All I ever wanted and told him I wanted, was for him to face me like the man that he is, to sit with me and have a cup of coffee tea water or whatever and to look into my eyes and tell me that he is SORRY! I'm SORRY Jazzy! I'm sorry that I led you on for a year, I'm sorry that I didn't know what I wanted with you.   Sorry that I made mistakes but I'm only human.  I'm deeply sorry that I shut you out of my life as if you were some piece of shit trash.  I'm sorry that I didn't love you the way you deserved to be loved, I'm sorry that I pushed you to your limits and made you act crazy because I hid behind my computer and my phone like a total coward! Jazzy please forgive me for haven treated you less than kind! 

 I think in that moment, I would hug him, kiss his forehead, cry really hard and tell him that I forgive him and that now I can finally move on!

That is ALL I WANTED ALWAYS!

So, before you call someone your "stalker" think of what you have to do, what you haven't said, what is it about you that makes this person act in such a way that makes you feel your so grand! because I think, that unless this person is mentally unstable, then sitting down with this individual and maybe just acknowledging them, might be suffice.  

Don't think that your that awesome! because there are many many many AMAZING human beings in this world! I meet them ALL the time! 

But the fact that the moment we shut down from some one who loves us because we don't understand our own feelings, and we use silence instead of communication to deal with the issue and that in turn drives the other individual to start calling us and texting us and doing whatever else they do to try to get us to talk because they need closure but we don't address it, makes that other individual act out of control, to the point of obsession.   Just somehow says something about yourself.  Who do YOU think you are? what makes you better? your shutting down because your just as crazy! Your crazy because you can't express yourself! Your no better than "your stalker"

And YES I know there are extreme cases that are very dangerous.  But I'm not talking about those cases.  I'm taking about those people who act crazy because the other person just feels like deleting them from their lives because they feel like it, and the other person is supposed to be ok with it.  That isn't very nice! That's mean, and horrible and uncaring and malicious.  COMMUNICATION! avoids dilemma! If you are one of those people who pride themselves in going around calling someone "your stalker" please educate yourself on what a real stalker does/is and get over yourself! 

Dear Journal: 9-5-12 ANALYZE THIS!

Dear Journal:

Much has happened since I last wrote an actual entry, so I guess I will write about the most important things first, oh wait! Everything on this journal is important, it’s important to me! This is after all, my life!

So, the most important thing to me at this moment, is the fact that I put a contest on my journal hoping to give something nice to some of the people that read or have read my blog and no one has responded, well, one person did, but he doesn’t count because he has become one of my best male friends, so I don’t think that counts.  Anyway, I am not sure why people haven’t answered and I started thinking about why? which by the way, is what I am currently learning in my Cognitive Psychology class, I am learning why? how? how and why our minds work the way it does and it is just…… FASCINATING! 

So, because I am always trying to psychoanalyze everything, I decided that maybe people don’t care for a Marc Jacobs bag or maybe people don’t care to enter because they have to give me the name of someone they would have to look up, or maybe people just don’t have time to worry about giving me advice because they just don’t care about me that way.  But, I still do very much want to give these things away, because I know for a fact, that there are some people that are not my actual friends, that read my blog.  So, I decided that I will do my own little research to find comments people have made on my blog or my Face Book status on a blog post I have posted and then I will take the names of those people, including those of my friends and family, put the names in a bag and ask my daughter to pick two out.  After, I will send the person an email and let them know I want to send them a gift as a token of my appreciation for them haven read my stuff.  I think that sounds like a decent idea!

In other Jazzy news, I also constantly psycho analyze myself to try to un crazy myself, I use uncrazy, for a lack of a better term and because I enjoy making up new words.  Anyway, about a week ago, I am leaving my building and there he is, my new friend and neighbor. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html  As usual, I am shocked, nervous and act all sorts of weird when I see him, so I gather my composure and to my surprise he comes up to me gives me a kiss on my cheek and a hug! OK! so here is the thing, a long time ago when I had a serious crush on (Benjamin Nunez) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html he gave me a hug that made me feel extremely awkward and weird and so after my neighbor did the same thing, and I felt really awkward and weird about it, for no reason what's so ever.  I went home that night to psycho analyze myself and the situation and here is what I came up with. 

First, that night after having a really good time with my neighbor and my daughter (we went for ice cream) and him witnessing one of my daughters tantrums (I wanted to die!) I came home thinking about someone else, I came home thinking about (Benjamin) I laid on my bed and immediately started to cry, thinking to myself that, I was pregnant when I had met him (Benjamin) and how he had never met my little girl, then, I sort of compared my neighbor to him (Benjamin) and then, I caught myself and thought… OH MY GOD! what I am doing??? this is sooooo wrong! let me explain.

The very first time I saw my neighbor, the reason why he caught my eye, was because he had a slight resemblance to him (Benjamin) just slightly, the dark shadow beard that I LOVE, the dark hair, dark eyes, tall.  I knew the first time I saw him that the reason why I felt attracted to him, was because he slightly resembled him.  However, after getting to know my neighbor a little, I quickly realized he is COMPLETELY different from (Benjamin) yet, in my mind I kept trying to compare the two! WHY DO WE DO THIS? While I was there laying on my bed crying, I felt really bad and horrible, because I was comparing someone new and very nice, to someone I once knew.  What about him (Benjamin) not being nice to me, did I still love? clearly, it isn’t him that I still love, what I think is happening to me is exactly what he (Benjamin) once told me himself, that I loved the IDEA of the person I loved.  It is so true, I love the idea of the romance I had created in my mind between Benjamin and I.  Every fabrication I created based on the things he told me, which some were not even true.   

I fell in love with an illusion and I spent the better part of the next few years comparing and looking for someone like him, except the true fact is, there are no two alike! I felt really bad that I was comparing someone that had absolutely no idea about my past, to someone who had not been very nice to me at all.  That isn’t fair! that night on my bed after whipping my tears, I made a decision that moving forward, I would give every single person the opportunity to be who they are and not compare them to anyone else, to NO ONE! because when I have been compared, I sure don’t like it, I don’t want to do to others what I do not want to be done to me, my basic principle in life!

So, after psycho analyzing myself that night, crying about it, feeling horrible about it, I felt way better! It feels great to look at someone as a whole new individual, a practice we should all as human beings adapt.  Because I have to say, that I am constantly getting compared to people, by people I meet, and I don't like that at all.  I also realized one other very important thing.  When I look at Benjamin’s picture and I look at my neighbor I further realize, that they not only have completely different personalities, they also don’t look ANYTHING ALIKE and I am only referencing my neighbor, because this whole analyses came to my mind after hanging out with my cool new friend, that has no idea that I was in my mind comparing him to someone else, someone, that should have no place in my mind, heart or thought process, yet I do it every single day! first thought each morning, it's really sickening UGH! they DO NOT, look anything like each other, meaning their facial features, other then the fact that they both have dark facial hair and are both about the same height and both are fair skinned.  I also realized while thinking about all of this, that the both of them, resembled my first love, which is the father of my oldest child.  

So, that means that my type was defined when I was really young and I sort of just go for men with that look, that’s ‘MY TYPE’ I sort of get annoyed that I am stuck on my ways in terms of my preferences, but then again, I also sometimes really like light skinned men with light eyes, I mean I married one and had two children with him.   

That pretty much means that after all my self analysis, I came to the conclusion that I like two type of physical characteristics and if you see my ex's they all sort of resemble each other! WHAT THE FUCK! and I can’t help it if that’s what I like and I am sick and tired of feeling bad about it like if I’m doing something wrong, I LIKE WHAT I LIKE! I’m sorry!

So, that’s pretty much it, I honestly sometimes get so sick and tired of psychoanalyzing myself, it’s exhausting! So much goes on in this brain, I wish I could just learn how to really let it rest sometimes, just relax and live in the exact moment I am on.  That though, is EXTREMELY hard, but every now and then when I accomplish living in that precise moment, I have to say that it is quite magnificent!


Love this song! check it out.
Mary J. Blige - You remind me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFHG7ZK3E3g

WIN A PRIZE FOR READING MY JOURNAL!

HELLO YOU AWESOME HUMAN READING MY JOURNAL!

Thank you much for coming into my mind wondering what it is that goes on in there.  If I told you how many thoughts go through my mind throughout the day of all the things I wish to write, you wouldn't believe me! my mind is like a working machine full of ideas for this my beautiful amazing journal that has become such a huge part of my life.  I REALLY LOVE TO WRITE!

When I wrote my very first post a year and a half ago, I remember thinking that no one would probably read it, but I didn't care because I needed to get things out of my head and on to a computer, I don't know who reads it unless the person tells me they do and I have to say that when someone says oh Jazz by the way I read your journal, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! and I get soooo extremely excited! If you don't believe me, ask my friend T, from Staten Island, who told me over drinks on Saturday night, that he read my journal.  I honestly think I let out a little like screech of some sort and my face lit up and my eyes opened up wide and I was like YOU DID! OMG! THANK YOU SO MUCH! He told me he thought I wrote really well and I should go into journalism.  I honestly never thought about journalism, I just love to write because it is something that sort of flows from my head to my fingers.  Honestly, sometimes I just go and go and go and it just flows out of my mind right to my fingers and I don't even realize that it is happening.  WRITING IS SO DAMN AWESOME!

Ok, so here is the deal.  About a month ago I had said on Facebook that when my blog hit it's 10 thousand hit (or viewing) I was going to have a contest and give a lucky winner 50 dollars.  However, after thinking about that and realizing I really didn't have 50 dollars to spare (insert sad face here) I decided that there had to be some way, for me to have a little fun contest or something.  So I thought about what I could give away that was mine but new that I could give away.  So here is the deal, I own a bunch of Marc by Marc Jacobs wallets and a handbags and laptop cases.  I want to give two of them away or maybe more depending on how many people ENTER TO WIN! 

I don't have any fancy way of like making this contest all official and stuff, because quite honestly, I am a single momma of three, and hey, what can I say? a girl needs to pay her rent, bills, and feed her seed.  Additionally, I don't have any sort of fancy software that will allow me to randomly select a winner.  So, how will I pick the winner you ask? well, I have children, which can put there hands into a bag and pick a piece of paper from the bag and choose a name! YUP! GHETTO STYLE BABY! 

So I guess you will have to just trust me, by entering to win and believe in me, in my word, because MY WORD IS MY BOND! and I pride myself in that.  I also do not lie (or try not lie as much as humanly possible) I don't make up stories, I have integrity for the things that I do and I with all of my heart, wish to give two people a little piece of me.  So with that said, below are the rules in order to enter your name for the drawing.  Even if this is the first time you read this journal, you are welcome to enter for my fancy drawing (insert yellow smiley face here).

 RULES

1.  YOU CANNOT BE MY FAMILY - SORRY! but family is family, it wouldn't be fair!

2. YOU CANNOT BE A CLOSE FRIEND! - This one is really tricky, but I guess that I mean really close friends.  Like the one's I text regularly to tell all my dilemmas too and they give me feedback! 

3. YOU NEED TO KNOW, THE NAME OF THE PERSON I WRITE MOST ABOUT ON MY BLOG. (THIS IS EASY!) IT'S ALL OVER THE PLACE! and it's not the persons real name (hint)

4. YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME A PIECE OF ADVICE WHEN YOU SUBMIT YOUR NAME.

HOW TO ENTER

1. You can email me at jazzmiinray@yahoo.com - subject: Jazzy's Journal.

2. You can email me on Facebook if you are my friend on there, if you are not, my facebook is facebook.com/jazzmiinray1 please request me.

3. You can send me a private message on twitter.

THAT'S IT!

I will have the drawing, probably next Sunday, September 9th 2012.  This gives you a whole week to read through my stuff and find the name and also, find out all the drama I have and give me a piece of advice! Please feel free to be sincere and honest with your advice, It is ok if you think I am too of anything.  I like to know what people think about the stuff I write and I also value other people's opinions and want to continue to grow as an individual.  No advice is bad advice.  I LOVE anyone, who takes time out of their busy life to read my words.  THANK YOU KINDLY FOR YOUR SUPPORT OF MY WRITING! 


OH WHO IS MARC JACOBS? (google him) He is a high end designer who's bags cost hundreds of dollars.  So if what I give you is not something you want, you can give it to someone or sell it on E-Bay or whatever.  The minimum cost of the stuff I have to give away, is 50 dollars! I really wish I had more to give you, but Jazzy is not wealthy (insert sad face here) I can give you that and of course, I will send it to you with alllllllll of my LOVE AND POSITIVE ENERGY AND AMAZING GOOD WISHES!!!!!!!

10,500 hits! YAY!