Dear Journal: 4-8-13 I said too much, but not enough

Dear Journal:

My Mac Book is once again at the computer hospital aka geek squad at best buy, and so I'm using my sons laptop that is tiny and slow.... Me no like.

I don't know what to write, but I wanted to post something because I haven't written you in almost a week and I miss you! I like to come on here and share me.  Journal, I have been feeling a bit down lately, I really have.  Also, remember AJ? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html well, I had a huge argument with him 2 weeks ago and we are no speaking or rather, I think he isn't speaking to me or maybe I am not speaking to him.  Either way, I absolutely refuse to budge, because I am the one who is always trying to keep the peace with him and it pisses me off that no matter how hard I try we always end up in some stupid argument, he had the nerve to tell me when I saw him that he likes to fight with me he said and I quote "it's fun!" well, it isn't fun to me and I am making an effort to forget about him, because if you are my friend who loves me then there is no reason why we should fight. 

Journal, I want to leave you with a song, but I also must add to this post one final thing.... 2 number of men that in the last two weeks said I was too crazy to handle, really? it makes me sad that men can't "handle me" what does that even mean?

Ok, tired going to bed.  I'll leave you with REM.

REM - Loosing my Religion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ2yXWi0ppw

The man from B5

Dear Journal:

Although this morning the weather is really gray, the reason for me feeling gray inside has absolutely nothing to do with it, actually, I rather enjoy gloomy days as they make me feel peaceful and lazy and that in turn makes me think of sleeping which in turn makes me think of cuddling, which in turn makes me think of my 5 year old daughter (since she is my cuddle buddy) and thinking about my little baby always brings joy to my heart! Ok… sorry about the tangent! Me always do that!

So as I was saying, the reason for my sadness is a bunch of things some which I sort of want to keep buried deep inside and pretend that they don’t affect me, but I can however say this.  There is going to be a great deal of change in my life which I am happy to embrace but scared all at the same time.  I feel like I am ready yet part of me wishes deep down that the change would not be as drastic as it will be, although change is good, it’s also very scary.

Last night I had the magnificent pleasure of hanging out with someone that is extremely extremely special to me, and although I was given by him specific instructions never to write about him again, he will have to understand that this is my journal and that I write about special things and special people and shitty things and shitty people also if I have too, I don’t think he understands how significant you are to me journal, and that the fact that I write about him means he is pretty darn significant to me, no matter how weird sometimes I find that to be and no matter how hard I try to suppress it.  I have shared a significant amount of memories about him all over these pages, which makes him very very special. 

Yes maybe he and I have not had the best sort of friendship that two people can share, actually, I have no idea if I am even allowed to call him friend, since to him that word is very meaningful, but quite honestly I have to say that if nothing else, I learned from him all sorts of things and I should hope that from me he learned a thing or two also.  Regardless of the fact that our one year “relationship” or “friendship” has been tumultuous to say the least, we have none the less, some sort of connection that sometimes I find it difficult to explain or describe. 

One thing that I remembered last night while I was helping him do somethings he had to do, was that he and I have this dynamic that I can’t even explain, it’s just this thing that is greater than us and it’s something that I genuinely believe we both know and we both try to fight.  Maybe however, this is all just in my mind and I am just making it up as he said I often have done in the past, maybe he is right and I should believe that my theories about him or us are all wrong, but, I know what I feel when he is around and that feeling is not one that I feel when any other man is around me, so because I am honest always to myself and others, I must say that the dynamic I feel is always amazing, especially when we share some random night, morning, afternoon, just because life in that moment brought us together without any plan or explanation and we just become us, the two people we really are around each other, the dopey, goofy, funny, singers, dancers, fighters, defenders, liars, schemers, deceivers, defenders and detectives!

When it’s us two in a good day, morning or afternoon, when we are “we” we are pretty awesome and after we share those random moments which always seem to happen for some unexplained reason, after he is gone, I feel this empty space that I don’t want anyone else to fill and yet I know and understand that I have to let the magical moment pass and not question or wonder, but just be.  So yes journal, today I am feeling blue and this time he didn’t do a thing wrong, we didn’t fight, he didn’t upset me, I didn’t upset him, but life just happened and life broke my heart.

I wish I could say that I will never write about him again and that instead I will do as he instructed me and start writing about the garbage men I saw this morning picking up the furniture that was left last night by the fire hydrant.  I wish I could say that after we hugged and he drove away I did not cry on my way up the stairs of my building, I wish I could say that I have forgotten it all, but I cannot, because this is my life and I like to write and if he keeps his promise and visits me once a year, I am sure I will write about him again, so sorry Wilford, but Jazzy can’t stop writing about you! you inspire me in a way that others can’t, so sorry Wilford! and even if you don’t thank me for my poems, because “you won’t encourage me to keep doing it” I do it because this is what I love to do and I wrote about you, even before I met you…. Dare to dream my friend………

He told me last night that he is sure it won't be hard to find someone new to inspire me.  He doesn't know how wrong he is. It isn't every one that crosses my path, that I stare from a far, I write a story about without even knowing who he is and then he becomes a reality in my life, right before my eyes. How else can I explain the laws of life and or attraction if not by sharing these things that I manifest into my reality, these almost phenomenon that constantly happen to me just cause. No, it won't be really easy to find someone to inspire me again, but I am sure that one day, it will happen. I dare to dream again!

Journal, I leave you with a poem.  For you Wilford!

The man from B5

By: Jazzy

The man in B5, made me laugh, made me cry...

And on that last night there could be no good bye.  For those last hours were spent there with me, it was almost as if life had just made it be. 

And on that last night through little white lies a promise was made.  That one day he’d go and spend time with me there, and that on that day it would be a grand big affair! That we would walk, we would laugh as only we do! down the road up the hill, over mountains, we'd see, the wonderful natural beauty of God, the breath taking planes, and the wonderful sky! and oh my goodness what is that which we see? It’s that sort of tree oh this place is for me!

And hours will come and hours will go, Just him and just I, us sing and us dance!  I’ll ruffle his feathers and keep him together.  He’ll keep me from dreaming and being a fool.  Together we’ll smile it will last for a while, together at last together we'll be, together at last just he and just me.

And we both will tell truths and we both will tell lies, and we both will not know why we once said goodbye.  Oh boy one more time I will have him near! and he won’t remember that what I said was clear, that dreams do come true remember please dear! that I held him, I smelled him and kissed his soft lips.

And then I’ll remember how on that last night, he hugged me real tight and it felt just so right! together always in my memory we'll be! the man from B5, just he! and just me!

Painting by Claude Monet - Me like him very very much!

GO AWAY! I want you out of my memory forever! :'(

Dear Journal:

I was on the train a few days ago listening to my iphone, and on came one of my favorite all time Shakira songs.  In that moment someone popped into my head who the song reminded me of.  My initial thought was to tear up and my next thought was.... OMG! this song once made me think of Benjamin Nunez.... OH BENJAMIN! where are you now? do you remember Benjamin by the way? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html although Benjamin was the theme of my life for nearly five years, I must admit that he no longer holds that role and although I have not found anyone to fulfill his role in the significant way that he did, I feel that someone came into my life nearly a year ago, that under the right circumstances, might have taken his place in my heart and in my life.  The only difference between the two individuals, was that one Benjamin, I never kissed, the other one, I had the pleasure of doing so.  So, here I was on the train listening to this song and I thought of the new man, but also realized that once upon a time, that same song, reminded me of someone else.  

A few years back, I struggled to try to forget Benjamin, I often wished I could erase him from my memory completely, I used to wish that he was gone from my thoughts forever, but now that I have had the opportunity to study the human mind a bit, now that I understand so much about our magnificent brains and know how vital memories can be to us and how useful they can be to us, I realize that I am so glad that I have the capability to have those memories and whenever they resurface, I can embrace them, accept them and then let them go.  For the first time in all these years, that song that once reminded me of one man, now reminded me of a new one, one that I shared some moments of my life and one who I call friend no matter how controversial our friendship has been.  This new man, is not really in my life anymore, I don't see him or hang out with him or barely talk to him, but I care for him very much as a person and a friend and I honestly have to say that I felt really guilty almost to share with him the fact that I had thought of him with a certain song, because It didn't feel fair to me that a song that made me think of one person initially, now made me think of him.  Yet it doesn't really matter, I am not cheating anyone, and they are two totally different individuals, but I couldn't help but to notice that there were things about the way I feel for him, that brought me back to the way I would feel about Benjamin.  At the end of the day, the point is that our minds hold on to information to help us with new thoughts, ideas and that it is ok to allow them to help us, but not to control us.  One person may have reminded me of another, but they were two completely different individuals and I gave the new person a fair chance to get to know him enough that I know in my mind and in my heart, that if I would have ever been with him, it wasn't because I was trying to replace someone else, it was because I liked who he was, he meaning the new man. 

So what does all of this mean you ask? and why is this important for me to log on my journal? well, for starters I am going through constant change and I am constantly growing and learning.  I want this on my journal because I want whomever comes across this entry, to understand that it is very very important to embrace our feelings and to accept them and then let them go.  That a memory is just a memory and that we can allow it to surface, but then let it go and be ok with it.  We have the power to control our thoughts and we can allow our thoughts to make us happy, sad, or whatever else we choose to feel.  Love is in our minds or is it? I was going to put on this entry, a video of the song I am referencing, but instead I decided to share a video that I watched in the fall when I was taking my Cognitive Psychology class.  Please take time out to watch this video and if you are ever going through something (romantic in nature) that is very painful, and you wish you could erase it from your mind, don't wish it anymore, because there are some out there that have to live without memories and it is truly a very very sad thing.  Be grateful that you have the ability to store your memories for whenever you wish to think them again.... OUR MIND IS POWERFUL.

The song will now remind me, of two people who touched me in a meaningful way and that is ok, I'm not doing anything wrong, this is my thoughts, my mind, and I can think whatever I wish too, it is the only part of me that no one will ever know unless I share it.  Come inside my thoughts sometimes and read my journal, share it with your friends and your families and whomever yo think will find something on these pages worth reading.  I encourage you to come into my world, my mind, my thoughts.  They are here on these pages I call my journal.

Please watch the video below, it is about a man who lives without memories, very very sad.

Clive Wearing - The man without memory

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=c62C_yTUyVg

Dear Journal - 6-19-13 The Mean Man

Dear Journal -

The word neglect can't even describe fully how I have almost abandoned you, so sorry sweet journal, but Jazzy has been so busy living and memorizing words like acetylcholine, yes I barely know how to pronounce it myself! anyway, I've been so busy trying to learn a million things at the speed of light, that writing has been the last thing on my list, writing, something that should always be on the top of the list.

I'm afraid I am lacking inspiration lately, I feel like I am missing something or like I've become almost numb of my emotions, they are just not all there lately.  It's this force I feel, this drive to keep my focus, that's almost made me mechanical.  A lot of times I'm moving in auto pilot and sometimes, I just straight up crash.

What can I tell you dear journal that might be of some sort of profound meaning? Hmm let me see..... Well, there is this one thing I would like to notate on this my sweet journal as a reminder to love thy self.  There was a man that I have written about in the past who I had very strong romantic feelings for, and while my feelings were not those of, OH MY GOSH I love this man so much! They were definitely up there with, man! I could actually picture myself with this person, that of course was a brief picture in my mind all based on "picture perfect" couple stereotypes, does that make sense? What I mean with that is that this man and I should we have taken a picture together and sent it around to people, everyone would say something like.... Wow! What a lovely looking couple! Like we genuinely would have looked really great together! I even think that if for one second, this man would of given me half a chance, he would of probably found a wonderful friend, lover and partner!  but instead, this person judged me from the start and put me in all sorts of stereotypes based on his past experiences with other women, never truly giving me a fair chance.  When I say that, I mean not even a chance to be a friend.

So, what I learned from this experience is that no matter how nice I am genuinely, people always seem to take my kindness for weakness and they do not treat me with respect, they are mean to me.  And when I say they, I'm pretty much referring to men, because obviously there is no reason for a woman to be mean to me, and if a woman is mean to me, then I will just move on from her also.  Relationships no matter what type of relationship it is, requires respect.  I will respect and be honest and treat you kind, if you offer me the same treatment, if you don't, then I no longer know you.

Journal, I leave you with a little poem I wrote after I saw the man who was mean to me.  Tonight on my way home from school, I was writing this entry on the train and right after, i bumped into him.  When I saw him, I had to pretend, I no longer know him, because he has not been very nice to Jazzy, I love all people, but I cannot love right, if I don't love myself first.

Unfair

By: Jazzy

Ignoring hurts me more than it hurts you, because it brings out a part of me that I do not like to see, so I cried because you drove me to bring out this side of me, this side that I do not like to see, a part that I keep deep inside, a part that only mean will make come alive.

So I saw you standing there, and pretended that I had never seen your stare, and acted as if I didn't know you, and walked passed as if nothing had been shared, because all along you had been unfair, and you brought out this part of me, a part that I did not like to see, and I walked by and left you there, because all along you had always been unfair.

So I walked away and never looked back, and I felt happy and then I felt sad, for you brought out a side of me that I did not like to see, because all along you had been mean to me and all along you had misjudged me and all along I tried to be nice and all along I had to pay the price and all I ever wanted was to be nice and all along I had to pay the price, but that day I left you standing there, because all along you had been unfair, I never want to see your face, I never want to share your embrace, I never want to see your smile, I never want to know you for a while, I never knew you before, I never saw you again, I never want to see your smile, I never want to see you around, so I left you standing there, because you were always so unfair.

Sex, Thoughts, Open Relationships!

Dear Journal:

The key word for this post is GUILT.  Lately I have been feeling guilty about a whole bunch of things and I honestly have to say that I am starting to piss my own self off.  Like seriously? how come when people do messed up things to me they don't feel guilty? and why do I have to feel guilty if the things that I do aren't really "that bad" I mean honestly, when I think of my life, I don't really do squat! like I have thoughts of wanting to do certain things that are pornographic in nature, but I don't really do them and furthermore I don't think I would be able to even if I wanted to, because I have this "guilt" factor that I have to carry around at all times, or is it that my up bringing is one of the mentality that if I do xy or z or xxx then I will be in trouble?

Ok, I know that I am not making a lot of sense, but honestly, I miss sex, I miss sex a whole lot and lately I have just being contemplating a whole bunch of crazy scenerios in my mind of these ridiculous fantasies that only happen on porn, but I think it's healthy to allow ourselves to imagine different scenarios.  I honestly think that the bulk of people do just that, they imagine they want this and that and at the end of the day, they don't do squat!

So I was away a few weeks ago and I was able to spend time with someone who I know really likes me, except I like him as a friend, but I don't like him romantically, I told myself that I could think "outside the box" and just go for it, why not! and so I tried my hardest to allow myself the opportunity to be with someone who treated me like a true princess and what happened? I don't like him! I FEEL SOOOO GUILTY! these things happen to me way to often and it is really frustrating, why is it always the ones that are sweet hearts that I reject? so I try to ask myself these questions and the answer is, that if someone really likes me, they are going to be nice to me and treat me like a princess, because the truth is, that it is in a man's nature to want to go above and beyond for the woman they like/love, so, I shouldn't feel guilty because I don't like him, I should feel proud of myself that I won't lead him on even though he gave me royal treatment.  I feel good that I can be honest with him knowing that he will no longer offer me that sort of treatment and I'm OK with it, because I do not want to do to others what I do not want to be done to me, so why in the world would I abuse of his kind gestures? actually, I would offer him the same treatment but can only do so as a friend.  Anyway, I told him this knowing that he would probably back off and not communicate with me as often, and that is exactly what happened, I hope that he finds someone suitable soon, so that he and I can be friends and then I don't have to feel guilty anymore.

In other Jazzy news, I have been seriously considering having an open relationship.  Well, I think first I have to have "A RELATIONSHIP" and then I have to make sure that the person is ok with it being open.  The reason why I think an open relationship would be cool, is that I honestly feel that I can't be with just one person for too long, I honestly thinking back at my past relationships, always get bored after a few years and so why not? but again, these are all just random thoughts that I wish to share on my journal, because I want whomever comes across my journal, to understand that it is OK to have different sorts of thoughts and ideas, it's healthy to keep your mental juices flowing, it's healthy to think, one thing is thinking another is doing! take charge of your thoughts, allow them to come out, discuss them with friends.  I am going to be judged regardless of what I say on my journal, and I honestly don't care, go ahead, judge all you want, half the time people get me all wrong anyway and I love that!

So I met this one guy on line who I am lusting over, except he lives in PA, why is it that the ones I like always live in different states? anyway, he is in an open relationship and I honestly think that he is only in an open relationship because his woman, who happens to be a sex therapist, wanted that.  Do you see what I mean about a man that wants you enough will go above and beyond? I think he is quite the cool guy and we only talk as friends, he doesn't know I'm lusting over him, but still! come see Jazzy! you will forget all about your sex therapist! all jokes aside, I barely ever lust over anyone, so this makes me feel good because at least I know I am still really alive! geesh! for a while there I thought I was a robot! yeah, this guy is quite the nerdy man who is just pretty awesome! who knows, maybe one day he and I will meet and then I will end up in an "open relationship" I mean, I will be with him knowing he is with her and then I can still do whatever I want! that's a win win situation if you ask me!

Ok. Gotta go, to many random thoughts going on in the left right hemisphere of my brain, because remember, the right side of your brain is responsible for spacial, artistic, creative and random thoughts (I added random) so yeah, lot's of stuff going on on that side this morning.  I need to get my logical left side going so I can get some school work done.  Oh and speaking of which, this semester, Jazzy is learning Behavioral Neuroscience... GOD HELP ME! that stuff is CRAZY!

OUR BRAINS ARE SOOOOO AMAZING!

Dear Journal... meaningful moments....

Dear Journal:

Last weekend at this time I was hiking and let me tell you, it was the best day ever! when I am surrounded by nature, everything seems perfect, it would of been even more perfect if I would have been doing it with the one my heart yearns for, but unfortunately, I always choose crazy people to care about and so no, I wasn't able to hike with him.  Instead however, I was hiking with an amazing awesome guy who I really like a whole lot, except I don't like him the way I feel I need to in order to want to do stuff like that with him often.  Should I explain? sometimes things happen to me and I think to myself... DAMMIT! this is the stuff that I really want to write about... this! life! now! and then when I sit down and try to put it all down, I realize that sometimes some things need to be left unsaid because there are some things that are just not nice to say, or because they are just way to personal and a bit embarrasing, however, I need to share a little bit of me that's way deep because if I do, then this journal is truly personal, it's truly real and it's truly me.

I went to another state last week and while I was there visiting, I had to ask myself a few questions, the reason why I had to ask myself these questions was because I need to make sure that I am being real to the one person that truly matters.....ME.  I went there for two reasons, one, because I absolutely love it there and two, because I wanted to meet AJ, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html so I set out on this trip with no expectations and deep down feeling a bit nervous but ready for the worst, because last year just about the same time, I had went to this same city to meet him and he had been so scared, that he was unable to meet me, last year when that happened, I was really torn, and felt a bit heartbroken.  This year, I was not only going to meet him, but I was going to meet three other people that I have been talking to virtually 2 other men and one woman.  So, I get there and we finally decide where exactly we were going to meet and I drive there to meet him and when I get there, he is standing outside of his car waiting for me.  When I got out of my car and went over to him, I felt as if I had known him always and as if I didn't know him at all, but I knew that the first thing I wanted to do was hug him, so I hugged him and said FINALLY! and we began talking as if we were really old friends that usually meet up every few weeks to have lunch.  During the whole time I was having lunch with him, I did not feel any romantic feelings, nor did I feel nervous, I just felt very comfortable sitting there with him which brings me to my theory.  I have this theory that when you don't have romantic feelings for someone, you are perfectly comfortable around them, but when you do have romantic feelings for someone, you get really nervous, I didn't feel nervous because I almost felt like he is mine and I have nothing to be nervous about, except that the reality is that he isn't and I should be very nervous.

After lunch we went back to my hotel room and I asked him to please just lay down beside me and hold me, and that is exactly what he did, I wrapped my hands around him and held on to him for dear life and then I began to cry, I began to cry, because I realized how magical it can be to hold on to the one you love, I had forgotten how amazing it feels to just be, just be there in the same space same place as the person who makes you feel whole, I felt whole in that moment, but I was also ready to leave when he was ready to do so, because I am not going to hold on to people, I don't feel that I want to, I feel that my freedom is so valuable, that I don't care to let go and that is exactly what happened next.  Before him and I went to the hotel, he told me that he could only stay with me until a certain time, I told him it was fine, so we went there held on to each other and when it was time to go, we left.  I did not have sex with him, I guess unfortunately and fortunately, fortunately, because I don't know what would happen if I made love to him, I'm not sure that I would be as calm and collective about the situation as I am right now, this very moment.  I also feel that the time we spent together was more meaningful, because we love each other, for who we each are and that is truly priceless, except now we are just.....I don't know..... two people that think of each other I guess.

The rest of the time I was there we did not communicate or saw each other and I to his face could not admit that I loved him and now I think I do but still am not completely sure, or maybe I just won't allow myself to love someone I am not with, because I went down that road before and that road led me to heart ache and pain.  So, I will leave the future of AJ and I up in the air, may the energies that brought us together and the spirit of love bring us back together if that is the will of the mighty creator, if it is not, then I know that we shared a very meaningful special moment, the sorts of moments that have deep meaning, the sorts of moments that you carry inside forever.  I will be living there sometime soon and I am sure that when that time comes, I will have much more to tell about AJ and I, because the one thing I am sure about, is that it isn't over, it hasn't even began.

The rest of the time that I was there I spent it with my other male friend, with him it felt natural to hang out, get drunk, cuddle and well..... have a great time! I cannot unfortunately say that It was the most meaningful moments of my life because with him I do not share a deep connection, I think that when I write about connections, anyone that comes across this post can understand.  There are people that cross our paths that we just feel deeply connected to, it's almost as if they were there all along, as if you had been with them somewhere before and then there are others that although you feel very comfortable with, you just can't seem to feel that deep closeness.  I loved hanging out with my other friend, but I was honest with him about how I felt and I was honest to the most important person that truly matters, ME.  I cannot lead someone on to beleive that just because I was finally able to cuddle, that means something, I feel like I reached a whole new level of me, that level being me being able to be a man, yes go ahead hold me tight if you wish, but there is nothing going on inside me.  Does this make me feel really sad? yes it does, I do not quite know at which point I became almost robotic.  But, I have had moments of truly giving myself to another, and that moment was when I was laying on a bed with AJ holding him tight, he didn't have my body, but in that moment he had all of me and that is more meaningful than any other thing in this world.  So journal, at least I know now that I am able to cuddle, will I go around and do it? probably not.... shallow Jazz.... you can call me that from no on.

 

OH.... I wanted to put this song on my journal because apparently, there are people in this world that get annoyed at the fact that I can cuddle now and not give a damn, I never understand men... the Alpha male... I don't want you, but I hate for anyone else to have you!... FUCK YOU!

Give me the night - George Benson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imYJpr09IgQ

 

 

Dear Journal: A Gift from Lily

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone.  Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone" ~ Orson Welles

Dear Journal: 

A bunch of things have been happening in my life that I for many reasons don't really want to write to you about at the moment, the reason why I don't want to write about them, is because sometimes I get this strange feeling like others eyes fall upon you and pry on my thoughts and therefore I sometimes feel hesitant to share.  Imagine......... someone else reading you, the trill that I feel at that thought makes me want to cry, laugh, run, scream! how lovely is it to know that somewhere out there someone reads you and shares my life with me in some sort of wonderful way! thank you!

Journal, lately I have been thinking about God quite a lot, I feel like I am goint through some sort of spiritual transformation that I don't quite know how to describe, but I must say that what I have read is true, there are signs in the universe that we must pay attention to and when we do so, we discover amazing things and amazing people, love is amazing.

Below is a poem that I wrote for someone in my buidling that past away.  She was an elderly woman that I don't believe I ever had the pleasure of meeting or speaking to, yet she touched my life in a special way and it's too long to write, but I just need to say that wishes do come true, that what you ask for you really do get and that all it takes is a lot of faith and a lot of love, tis that simple.

One last thought, I did not know her name, but I found something with the name Lily, so I decided to give my little poem that name.



A gift from Lily

Lily so lovely are thou, and now you lay in Lily pads with lily flowers, the color blue would not describe you, oh lily where or where are you, and lily are you feeling blue?

And lily where can you be? And Lily I have your bed, and Lily you were so brave, and Lily if you only knew how much in this moment I so love you,

and thank you Lily for your gift and thank you Lily you'll be missed and oh Ms. Lily don't forget, because of you we have a bed, and thank you Lily you are so kind, and oh Ms. Lily you are divine.

Rest in peace lily.

This pic was taken on 5/13







Dear Journal - May 16, 2013

Dear Journal:

For some strange reason, I always write my best while on the train.  For my creative writing class which ended yesterday and I must admit I'm a little sad about that, I had to write a short story and one of the characters I described, was a woman I saw on my way to class one day.  I literally kept staring at her describing her, because I thought she was so beautiful, she seriously needed to be in my story.  It is also easier to describe something or someone you are looking at, then creating a character out of nothing at least for me.   The best part about creating a character out of a stranger, was that I got to make her up, I was able to create someone fake out of someone real, that was really cool!

Speaking of someone fake and someone real, anyone who reads this post must see the movie Ruby Sparks! that movie was freaking cool as hell! I don't want to get into the details of the movie, but it's basically about a writer who writes a character who comes to life.  Ok, I know that's been done before I feel like, but, because I write, I loved the movie, but here is the coolest part about the whole thing and the reason why I'm even bringing it up. 

Last weekend I was in downtown Brooklyn picking my daughter up from her acting class.  My daughter is 5 and she spends most of her time singing, so I decided to sacrifice my Saturday late sleep, so that she could take a kid acting/singing class.  Anywho, I'm walking with her, and since I observe everything around me, I see this guy and I think, where do I know him from? and then as he walks past me, I realize it's the main actor from the movie Ruby Sparks! So I'm like thinking to myself, of course!... Holy shit! that's him, that's him! feeling a little star struck! I felt start struck, but what was most exciting to me, was that before I saw the movie or the reason why I even saw the movie, was because I read an article about it, and in the article they were talking about how the writer of the movie, also played in it and they were interviewing the writer asking him how it felt to act in something he wrote.  So, I was excited to meet the writer of this movie, who also happened to act in it, or so I thought.

So, what did I do you ask Journal??? well! I did anything any normal person would do, I ran after the dude! and when I caught up to him, I was like, hi, staring at him looking a bit out of breath and a bit crazy with a child in a stroller, which is why I think he stopped, he thought I was "safe" so I extend my hand out and say, I'm Jazzy nice to meet you, I saw that movie you wrote and I absolutely loved it... I'm so sorry what's your name? (I NEVER remember names) so there I was asking a famous guy what his name was! So, he tells me his name is Paul and then I looked it up and found out his last name is (Dano) so he shakes my hand and says thank you, and I'm like, I really enjoy writing so it's such a pleasure to meet you! Great story! and he's very modest and is like oh great thank you! and so I tell him to have a great day and begin to walk away, and now I'm like, ok I have to tell someone about this, but I have to google him because I have no idea what his name is.  I google him and guess what journal??? He isn't the actual writer! WHAT THE FUCK! actually, he was just the lead actor! so the whole time as I was shaking his hand he was probably like... what is this woman talking about? and he might of even thought, great, she thinks I'm a writer and I'm actually an actor! Nice! regardless of what he thought, I looked like an idiot! but it was still awesome to meet him I just wish I would of given him the proper credit he deserved, instead of confusing him as someone else.

Journal, I'm sorry I've been neglecting you lately, I write all the time but I have just been so busy because it's the end of the semester, and quite honestly, I'm so stressed out about my statistics final, that writing that word made me nauseous.  It's pretty bad! I have to admit though, it will be a great relief when this episode of my life is finally over and I can talk about how my statistics class was so crazy! My friend always says, don't even say that word around me! YES! It sucks THAT BAD!

In other Jazzy news, I will be going away in a few weeks and I cannot wait! I need a little break, I'm very excited.

That's about it for now journal...

Over and Out!

THE CREEP

He creeps up on you without any notice, and just when you thought he was gone, you turn and there he is, right next to you, what, huh, it never happened, don't talk to me, no, please stay......

You creep, how can you think it is easy, to come back just like that, to creep up on me like a thief in the night, who comes inside, covers your mouth and looks in your eyes.  And you thief, yes you stole, I feel anger I feel scared, I feel fear I feel desire, I feel burning I feel tired.  I can't fight, please just take me, I'm scared this desire, this burning, this yearning...Creep you repulse me, no I want you, it hurts…

I’m not your friend creep, I’m not your friend.  I’m not your lover, I’m not your neighbor, I’m not the same.  And your presence confuses me and your presence hurts and your presence disturbs me and your presence burns and I want you near me and I want you far and your constantly in me but I want you gone.

This fight, this fight, this fight inside, I hate you creep, I hate you so, I want you creep, please don’t ever go.

Go creep! Disappear! Abra kadabra and your near, go creep don’t come near, you hurt me for so long. Go creep, leave me, stay here please don't go.

 

Go creep just leave me, pretend we never were, go go stay away I just want you really far, no please, please don't go I want you to stay, why can't I just forget.  Stay far hold me close, stay far please don’t go, stay far, please be near, I can’t deal with all this fear.  

 I’m confused, I am scared, stay away, just stay scared.  You’re the creep who hurt me, please forgive me go away, you’re the creep who hurt me, I beg you please lets forget.

Dear Journal: 5-6-13 ~ LOVE

Dear Journal:

When I was catholic, I would read the bible sometimes, as the bible is a beautiful book.  To me, it is a book full of philosophy and teachings of how we should live our lives.  Of course, some of the stuff in the bible is really outdated, I guess that is why different religious leaders, often have to make some adjustments to their religious rules, based on the things that are written on the bible that no longer apply to this generation.  At least that is what I think, but don't take my word for it, I do not study any religion, the only thing I practice is..........LOVE.....I practice love because love is that in your heart that helps you to make the right choices.  I am not referring to romantic love, that love sometimes makes you act all sorts of crazy, or at least it has made me act that way in the past.  I mean, LOVE as in Love yourself and Love others.

When I went to my cousins wedding last year, the priest read a scripture from the bible that I had heard in the past, but did not know it was from the bible, I always thought someone had made it up.  When I heard it at my cousins wedding, I made a mental note that I had to put the verse on my journal because it is absolutely beautiful! my cousin was married nearly a year ago, it took me THAT long to finally put it on here, but the reason why I remembered, was because I had a situation and I needed to make a decision, in order to make the right decision, I looked for the verse and it made my decision very simple.  I'm glad I looked for it, I want to keep it on this journal to remind me that LOVE IS AMAZING! 

1 Corinthians 13: 4-13   

Love is patient 
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not rude
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
LOVE NEVER FAILS

Dear Journal: 5-2-13

"Be kind whenever possible it is always possible" ~ Dalai Lama

I wasn't kind with my words, but not only to my niece, but also to my ex.  I guess you can say I had some serious baby daddy drama with the father of my nearly 19 year old son.  I guess "baby daddy drama" never truly goes away, we won't always see eye to eye when it comest to our son, but the one thing I need to always remember is that we both have only but his best interest at heart.  Journal, I am no where near perfect, I have a disgusting temper that I myself hate myself when I see that vicious side of me, it's like the devil himself in my body and I cannot control it, it is horrible and I try.  But, when I bring out the devil in another person, that makes me feel even worse and I did that a whole lot this week, this has not been a good week and I don't feel good about that.  I don't know what else to write, I am a bit down.

I am stressing about my statistics final and I have to write a screen play and another story for my writing class.  I have been writing my screen play on the train on my iphone, I feel like that is the only time where all these ideas flood into my head about the story I am writing.  I got a B on my other story, my professor said that it was too much like a journal... DUH! that's the only way I know how to write, so no I am not happy about the B and I am not happy that I cannot step out of my comfort zone and write something great, something meaningful, and something not real, something made up in my mind, a piece of my imagination on a piece of paper! and what of all the ideas I would write about in my head about Benjamin and I, about how it would be the day when I finally would be next to him and we could both feel like we belonged, I had so many stories about the two of us that I had created in my mind, where are they now? and how come I can't make them get out of my head and on to a paper.

I went to the theatre at my college this week and saw a play, it was ok., it was a bit crazy but I don't mind crazy, I just feel like in life we all want to have a clear explanation about everything that happens, who cares if it isn't a clear explanation, why can't we all just BE! other than that I don't have much more to say.  It hasn't been a good week, but I said I was sorry, many times and if people don't know how to forgive, then they have a problem, I don't, because when I forgive, I mean it and if I am not going to mean it, then I don't say that I am forgiving the person.  One of my friends told me that it isn't good to tell the truth out loud sometimes, well I am sorry, but I don't know how to lie, especially to the people I love and maybe my truth or the way I tell the truth might not be the best way of telling the truth, but at least I am doing it because I am thinking about the best interest of the person who I am telling the truth too.  What else am I supposed to do journal? I don't get it.

It hasn't been a good week, but like my friend told me last night, that is now the past.  He is right, I apologized for my wrong doings and it is now in the past, my past and if people want to dwell and hold grudges, then that is on them.  Tomorrow will be Friday! FRIDAY! YES!

Sweet dreams!