I was initially going to go on my blog that I feel I have neglected lately and write a journal entry and talk about my day the fact that I just got home from my abnormal psychology class and how awesome and amazing the human mind is and then all of a sudden, for some crazy no reason at all, I thought about him..... My once mental love affair with a married man!
Do you know what a mental lover is? I am not sure if all women are as crazy as I am, but I have to tell you this story, because it is quite interesting. One day I was in a lunch room and I was walking towards my girlfriends who were all gathered having lunch at a corner table, it so happened that at the table next to them, sat a group of gentlemen that were also having lunch, as I was walking towards my friends looking at them and smiling, it was pointed out to me when I sat down by one of my girlfriends, that the whole table full of men that were next to them, had followed me with their eyes as I made my way to them, I of course noticed it as well, but I wasn't very concerned with their stares, actually, I was kind of nervous because one of them caught my attention immediately when I saw him. The one with the big green eyes sitting at the corner of the table where he sat.
The reason why I noticed him, was one, because he had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen and two, because out of all the men sitting on that table, he was the one who I made eye contact with and found the most attractive. I gave him "the look" which is basically that look we women give a man when we feel the same interest in them as they do for us, you know that look right?
Anyway, when I sat down and my friend told me how they (the men in the other table) had all followed me with their eyes, I found it completely funny and told her that I liked the one with the green eyes, because he was HOT! later on that same month, I had the pleasure to become acquainted with all the gentleman that were sitting on that table, they all became my friends but the green eyed guy and I had a very special connection, he stood out to me more then all the rest. One day, I was talking to someone who knew him and I asked her very casually, if he had a girlfriend, when I asked her that, she said girlfriend? no girl, he's married! when I heard those words I thought to myself "of course he is!" but he didn't wear a ring, so I wouldn't have known it. By then of course, it was too late to not allow myself to feel the attraction that I already felt for him.
After finding out this very important piece of information, I told myself that I needed to forget this individual immediately if not sooner, for starters, I would never do to another woman what I would not want to be done to me, I have respect for others and I would not partake in any sort of activity with a married man, the thing though was, that nothing at all was happening, yet he and I did have this strange connection a connection we both could not describe or control. We were already involved in a mental love affair that I quite honestly don't think either of us could control.
One day after I had already found out he was married, I told him how badly I was craving to have a piece of chocolate, so a few moments later he came back to me with a piece of chocolate, when he handed it to me, I very casually asked him if these were the same chocolates he gave his wife and then proceeded to say in a very sarcastic tone, that not wearing a wedding band was very deceitful and It might give a woman the impression that he was single and looking. I of course was really really pissed off, because by this point I felt that he had sort of lead me on, except he really had not done anything wrong. All he ever did was talk to me and be nice to me in a very special way, but he had never once disrespected me or asked me out or any of that. Yet with his eyes he would tell me a million things, it was almost as if words were not required when we looked at one another because our eyes would say it all.
When I made my comment he did not say a word and walked away, but I knew that he knew that I would eventually find out that he was married, yet he was going to enjoy the attention I was starting to give him. I obviously was enjoying the little attention he would give me. After that day however, we began to develop this great friendship, he began to tell me about his marriage and how he wasn't completely happy in it and I would listen and tell him all my horror dating stories. During this time, I myself was madly in love with a man who was not in love with me, I have written about him in my blog quite often. It was easy for me to maintain this friendship with this married man who I felt attracted to, because I was in love with someone else and although I was very attracted to this individual, I could not and would not allow myself to let anything happen because I loved who I loved. Additionally my new found friend was, well, married.
The fact that he was married however, didn't keep us from having this crazy, strong mental love affair. Yet there was absolutely nothing physical at all going on between us, it was all in the way we looked at one another, I can just imagine how many times he must have made love to his wife thinking about me, yes, I am pretty sure about that.
The craziest thing that ever happened between us was, that one day I found out he was going away on a trip alone and so I told him that I would meet him their in my thoughts, we both imagined what it would be like to have spent a few days together and for a few moments we just looked at each other and laughed and it almost felt like we had just lived it all of it, us in a hotel room far from home, in a bed doing lord knows what sorts of things, yes, for a few moments we both indulged in those thoughts together. I am pretty sure that if we both didn't have the strong beliefs and morals that we both had about not doing to others what we would not want to be done to us, we would of probably made the effort to make it happen. Whenever I would think to myself that what we were both feeling was wrong, I would begin to avoid him at all cost.
It so happened that a few weeks after we had started our friendship, it was Valentine's day, and I remember him asking me who would be buying me flowers and chocolate, I told him no one, because I was not seeing anyone at the moment. When I told him this, he said something like wow, not even flowers? and I was like no, no flowers for Jazzy and then with his eyes, he told me that if he could, he would be the one giving those things to me, I knew it, we both did.
The crazy thing about this story is that we never once had the opportunity to be anywhere really alone, yet we shared the most amazing mental affair that I cannot with words describe, was he still cheating on his wife then by having these desires for me? I don't think so, I actually think I helped him in a time where he wasn't sure of what he wanted in his marriage and because I had been married myself, I sort of understood what he was going through. Sometimes when we are married and going through a difficult time, we question whether we are truly happy and I think that we always need these mental love affairs to spice up our own love affairs, maybe he would go home and kiss his wife passionately wishing that would be me who knows? either way, I never kissed him, I never hugged him, I don't think I ever even touched his hand.
So then, I ask myself, did I do something wrong? did he do something wrong? I feel that as long as I didn't touch him or as long as he respected me and we both respected his marriage, we didn't do anything. Our minds should be free to do what it wants to, when we marry or love someone, we still need something to remind us that we are not morphed into one person, but that we are still two individuals that love one another and that there are times that we need to mentally cheat because that's the only way we can get through a hard time. At the end of the day however, he still loved her, I was just a fun, mental distraction to take him away from the challenge that he was facing. I don't know, to me he was a distraction also, to keep me from thinking about this man that I was so in love with I could barely live. For a few months I had a distraction from the reality that was my life in that moment in time a time when I was hurt and distressed and going through some really difficult challenges. Were were doing something wrong? I HAVE NO IDEA!
When I started writing this blog I told him that he absolutely HAD to read it, I gave him the URL and a few weeks later went back to him to ask him what he thought, he is an extremely intelligent man who's opinion meant a great deal to me. He told me that he had read one of my posts and really liked it. I was really happy with his feedback. After a while we drifted apart or actually I began to take myself out of that situation because I could not allow myself to continue to think about him or continue to fantasize about something that would never be real, but I have to admit that for that like three months or so while we were having these thoughts and feelings and conversations, I could not help but to think of how lucky that woman was to have such an amazing man.
He was respectful to me in every way possible, he was my friend. When I felt alone I would go to him and he would listen, he gave me great advice and I knew that he genuinely cared for me as an individual. I think about him every now and then and send him hello messages. But I try to limit how often I do so, I actually don't think about him very often anymore, because well that was just something that was nothing, it was so strange! A few weeks ago, we bumped into each other and with our eyes we said many things again, what we said was something like, in another lifetime, I would of probably been with you.
I will tell him to read this post, because this one is dedicated to you my wonderful friend. You are an amazing man and I will tell you once again, what I told you before, that she has no idea of what she has! SOME WOMEN JUST HAVE ALL THE LUCK!
