Dear Journal:
I think of you every day because I miss writing so much! I have been swamped with school work and feel that, that is all I do. School, school, school! So much has happened in my life this last past week that I simply felt that I must absolutely share, it’s so weird, because I don’t really have a social life, yet there are all these developments to my personal life, it’s sort of weird when you try to make sense of it in a logical way.
On Tuesday night as I was walking to my car after getting out of class. I felt really sad and I began to cry as I thought about my fear of love. I started thinking about all the nice people that try to get close to me and how I never believe anyone and how I don't trust. I felt really sad that I have lost that sense of giving anyone a chance, based on the things that others have done to me. I was also crying because I kept thinking about how hard it is sometimes for me. How sometimes I just want to give up my dream and fail. I kept thinking of how I have no sort of social life at all and all I do is kids, school, work and how sometimes I feel like what I'm learning is not sticking in my brain, like I dont' really know anything! yet other times, I will catch myself talking about something I have learned in the last 3 years since I have been attending college.
I cried really hard in the dark as I walked unaware of my surroundings. Not even the the chilly wind that hit my face and made my tears feel cold bothered me. I just got lost in my sorrow and let it all out, it felt really good. Then, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I began to ask myself questions, the first thing I asked myself was, what are you doing Jazzy? and my answer was, I am getting the degree that I have been wanting for 10 years. Most days, I feel ok with this decision, but somedays it is really really hard. On those day, when I get home and see them, my three true loves all of a sudden it all makes sense in my mind. I want this for me as much as I want it for them.
I cried really hard in the dark as I walked unaware of my surroundings. Not even the the chilly wind that hit my face and made my tears feel cold bothered me. I just got lost in my sorrow and let it all out, it felt really good. Then, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I began to ask myself questions, the first thing I asked myself was, what are you doing Jazzy? and my answer was, I am getting the degree that I have been wanting for 10 years. Most days, I feel ok with this decision, but somedays it is really really hard. On those day, when I get home and see them, my three true loves all of a sudden it all makes sense in my mind. I want this for me as much as I want it for them.
One of my kids told me the other day that I never pay attention to him. This truly broke my heart. I try to be mindful and make time for each of them individually, but sometimes, I feel like I am being pulled in 3 very different directions and it is difficult to give them each my undivided attention at all times. When he told me this, I had to sit and explain to him that I did not mean to not pay attention to him, and that I was really sorry. And then I asked him, what it was that he always saw me doing? and he replied that he would see me doing my HW and then I asked him why did I do my HW? and he said because I wanted to do well in school. Then I asked, why do I want to do well? and he said, for them. I then explained to him that I missed him and that he could always interupt me and talk to me, because he was my number one priority.
Being a mother is such a tough job sometimes. I feel like no matter how much I try to do this job well, it is never good enough. However, it is important to me that my children understand that I am here and that they can talk to me and tell me how they feel. It is important to constantly communicate with them and try to be involved in everything about them. However, sometimes I know that I slack and that I need to step up to the plate even more. I HAVE to make the time, no matter what it takes. Sometimes in life we don't realize how much we are missing out, until it is pointed out to us. I run around like a crazy person half of the time, and sometimes I have to stop and ask myself Jazzy what are you doing? in order to put everything into perspective.
Being a mother is such a tough job sometimes. I feel like no matter how much I try to do this job well, it is never good enough. However, it is important to me that my children understand that I am here and that they can talk to me and tell me how they feel. It is important to constantly communicate with them and try to be involved in everything about them. However, sometimes I know that I slack and that I need to step up to the plate even more. I HAVE to make the time, no matter what it takes. Sometimes in life we don't realize how much we are missing out, until it is pointed out to us. I run around like a crazy person half of the time, and sometimes I have to stop and ask myself Jazzy what are you doing? in order to put everything into perspective.
Yesterday I took a test and felt really happy about it. I have studied so very hard that I actually remembered stuff! I get really nervous and blank out during tests, so I am working on developing some new ways of overcoming this fear that screws me up severely. My Professor who I absolutely love, could tell I was nervous, but he looked at me and told me to just the the best I could. I absolutely love that guy..... Oh, I already said that!
Tuesday was an eventful day indeed, I had a headache all day long and wasn’t feeling too well, but I had a test so I had to go in to school. Anyway, I’m getting a coffee in the McDonald’s near my school and I start thinking about BK my lovely friend who I miss dearly. I have written about him numerous times on my journal, because he was someone significant to me.... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/dear-bk.html So I’m standing on line, thinking about how he and I would sit at that McDonald’s, discuss life and laugh like crazy. And all of a sudden I felt really sad about the fact that he no longer speaks to me and I have absolutely no explanation for it. He just decided he did not want to be my friend anymore and after him walking away from me and ignoring me when I tried talking to him the last time I saw him, I decided that day, that he was dead to me. However, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t cross my thoughts some days, and that I don’t always mentally wish him well and hope he is happy.
So I am standing there waiting on the line, and that song walk on by comes on the radio. I had not heard that song in years and I really like it, so I start to sing it and think about what would I do if I saw him again. As I am signing the song I am thinking, well, the most loving thing for me to do for myself and to respect his wishes of not wanting to be my friend anymore is to just walk on by. A few minutes later when the song is over and I am finally done making my purchase and am walking into my school campus still thinking about the song and my friend the next thing I know, there he is!……… MY BK!
When I initially spotted him, I was really far away, so my first thought was, HOLLY SHIT! that looks just like him!! but I couldn’t really make out his face so I wasn’t really sure. HELLO!!! I’M 40 NOW! I’m practically blind! So I’m squinting my eyes and thinking to myself, is it him??? And I’m like no, that’s not him, I’m delusional because of my little episode in McDonald’s and the song and what not. Besides, that guy is too short. I keep getting closer to this guy, but the guy is looking down reading a book as he is walking, so I’m still not sure if it's him, but then, I get close enough to see that in fact, it is my BK (insert sad face here). As he is walking passed me, I am looking dead at him, but he is oblivious that I am even passing him, I knew that he wasn’t doing the reading thing on purpose, because since I initially caught sight of him we were too far for him to recognize me and he was already reading the book, the whole time as he was walking he was always looking down reading the book. I am pretty sure he wasn’t doing the reading thing intentionally.
When I initially spotted him, I was really far away, so my first thought was, HOLLY SHIT! that looks just like him!! but I couldn’t really make out his face so I wasn’t really sure. HELLO!!! I’M 40 NOW! I’m practically blind! So I’m squinting my eyes and thinking to myself, is it him??? And I’m like no, that’s not him, I’m delusional because of my little episode in McDonald’s and the song and what not. Besides, that guy is too short. I keep getting closer to this guy, but the guy is looking down reading a book as he is walking, so I’m still not sure if it's him, but then, I get close enough to see that in fact, it is my BK (insert sad face here). As he is walking passed me, I am looking dead at him, but he is oblivious that I am even passing him, I knew that he wasn’t doing the reading thing on purpose, because since I initially caught sight of him we were too far for him to recognize me and he was already reading the book, the whole time as he was walking he was always looking down reading the book. I am pretty sure he wasn’t doing the reading thing intentionally.
As he passed by me, I felt like I didn’t know what to do, but decided that I needed to do the most loving thing that I could for the both of us, so, I walked on by. After he passed me, I even stopped, turned around and continued to watch him read his book as he exited the school campus. He never noticed he had just passed me. My lovely ex friend how much I miss us! There he was, someone I had gotten to know in a very very close way and I had to pass by him as if he was a stranger. My friend BK, that exactly a year ago, he and I would walk through the same campus joking around and enjoying each other’s company. It was a really a sad moment, yet I knew, that I did the right thing. I walked on by, and did not disturb my old friend who I love. I never understand why, but little by little, I'm learning to accept that sometimes it has to be that way.
Luckily, two minutes after seeing him, I bumped into another old class mate that I had not seen since last year and he completely took me out of my moment. I have to say I was really happy to see him and catch up with him. Thank God I saw him or I would of kept dwelling for lord knows how many more minutes about the events that had just happened!
Journal, I am in a bit of a dilemma with myself right now and am not quite sure what to do. I decided a few months ago, that I was going to listen to a friend who said to me once, Jazzy, your problem is that you get stuck on people that you feel any sort of romantic interest in, and instead of keeping it moving, you stay there waiting for things to happen, fuck them! instead of doing that, just keep it moving. Well, this of course is way easier said then done. First, it is really hard for me to like someone. Second, I’m very picky as to who I talk to. Third, I never find anyone that I feel sexually attracted too and last, I’m sort of hum bug about the whole relationship intimate thing so I sort of do things to turn people off and push them away. Yes, it is true I already did some self assessment and self analysis and have come to the clear conclusion that after having gone through so much heart ache in my life I have completely shut down.
I’m afraid of committing to someone and don’t want to be bothered. Still, I do try to date every now and then and every now and then I will start to like someone and then I act crazy and push them away. Additionally, I sort of know what I’m looking for, so when the person I am seeing doesn’t quite fit what I want, I just sort of go with the flow knowing all to well that it’s not going to go anywhere. I also have absolutely no time to spend with anyone, so I also think to myself that it isn’t fair for me to try to be with someone when I know for a fact, I can’t physically spend time with this person. Yes, it’s hard! I feel lonely sometimes, but every night when I go to sleep I feel happy and feel that I am doing what’s best for me. It’s all worth it!
I’m afraid of committing to someone and don’t want to be bothered. Still, I do try to date every now and then and every now and then I will start to like someone and then I act crazy and push them away. Additionally, I sort of know what I’m looking for, so when the person I am seeing doesn’t quite fit what I want, I just sort of go with the flow knowing all to well that it’s not going to go anywhere. I also have absolutely no time to spend with anyone, so I also think to myself that it isn’t fair for me to try to be with someone when I know for a fact, I can’t physically spend time with this person. Yes, it’s hard! I feel lonely sometimes, but every night when I go to sleep I feel happy and feel that I am doing what’s best for me. It’s all worth it!
Every time I stop talking to someone, I give myself a few months to heal from it, I like to take a break from dating and meeting people and I just get really focused on myself. However, EVERY SINGLE TIME I’m on this mode, someone comes into my life and does something to take me out of it. Explanation, I met someone really really nice that I thought of as just a friend and we have been talking every day. Well, here I am thinking of him as just some really cool awesome guy who I happen to think is extremely cute but I’m just thinking of him in a platonic way. On Tuesday however, he tells me he really really likes me in a romantic way. At first I was so taken a back, I had to tell him I couldn’t talk to him for the rest of the day, but after it dawned on me and I thought about it, I thought WOW! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE LIKES ME!
I thought about what my friend told me, that I needed to keep it moving, so I decide to talk about it with this guy. We talked about it and decided that we are going to continue as friends and see where the road leads us, but I am really excited that I am actually giving myself a chance to get to know this person and that I am not staying stuck on stupid and am keeping it moving. It’s a whole new way of me looking at things. And I am really loving that him and I can talk about anything. It’s just so awesome! Just comes to show that if I keep it moving, then I really will keep meeting people that will blow my mind from time to time!
I thought about what my friend told me, that I needed to keep it moving, so I decide to talk about it with this guy. We talked about it and decided that we are going to continue as friends and see where the road leads us, but I am really excited that I am actually giving myself a chance to get to know this person and that I am not staying stuck on stupid and am keeping it moving. It’s a whole new way of me looking at things. And I am really loving that him and I can talk about anything. It’s just so awesome! Just comes to show that if I keep it moving, then I really will keep meeting people that will blow my mind from time to time!
I read in a book once, that we are all able to write our own love story. I have decided that I want to write mine, literally. My dilemma is that I don't know, if when I begin seeing someone and think they have potential, if I should let the person know that I'm writing about us? this particular person who I am currently getting to know, know's about my blog, but I have never told him where he can find it. We haven't really talked about it. I kind of don’t want him to read it yet either. But, I don’t know if it is fair to him or anyone that I end up writing my love story about wether it be now or 10 years from now, that I am in fact writing it and he is non the wiser.
Obviously, I am not going to put everything on here about what happens between us, I am going to write a separate journal of events and I will post them only when and if things happen between us in a serious way, but my dilemma is, that whom ever it happens with, should I be writing about it and him not knowing? I don’t know if writing my love story is something that I want to share with the person while I’m writing it, or after we have said those beautiful words……..What if this person has no idea that I am writing all these things about us and then I tell him and he gets upset that I am putting our private life on the world wide web? When do you tell someone, hey, by the way, I'm writing my love story and just wanted to let you know that I am, ok? Oh and by the way, it's on my live journal on the internet.
What if in his mind, it isn't really a love story and I am anticipating things without knowing where his thoughts about us are? You see my dilemma??? Anyway, this is me just thinking out loud, I don’t know who it will be, but I think I prefer for now, to keep to myself the whole I’m writing my love story thing. I will journal everything privately though and I hope that one day, I will be able to share my love story on my journal.
I think it is pretty cool, that I have this live journal going and that even when I am not journaling, people are still reading my stuff. WOW! if only I could dedicate more time to you my beautiful journal.... But I cannot for now! Still, please know that you are always on my mind. I am always mentally writing what I want to share with you, I am always thinking of what to write next. Journal, I'm really really happy! things are good all in all. I thank God every single day of my life, for all the wonderful blessings that he brings to my life. Yes, it is hard and sometimes I cry, but it is also called life and I struggle just like everyone else in this world does. The difference between them and I is, that I have you to share my thoughts with, but there are others that cry and don't have anyone to share that with. I hope that if anyone comes across this my beautiful live journal, and they have felt like giving up sometimes and they have cried on a lonely street or felt like they can't take it anymore. That by reading you, they will feel better to know that it doesn't only happen to them, and that they are pretty ok off. Feeling all these things, just means they are alive and they are feeling the things we all do...... It is OK!
Enjoy the song..... Walk on by: Sybil.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DL8jmpUxMI
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