This past week I was walking around in downtown Broadway in NYC right near the world trade center and I overheard a christmas song playing. I haven't been paying attention to christmas music much because to be completely honest christmas music makes me extremely depressed for many reason one which I am about to share. Anyway, I'm walking down and I heard the song and then tuned it out not to really think about the whole "christmas" thing and the depressing feeling I get and then all of a sudden something dawned on me.... I thought, HOLLY SHIT! I MADE UP A FUCKING CHARACTER!!!
Yes, I often write some random fucked up shit on my blog and tonight is just one of those nights when I'm going to do just that! but before I do, let me just share that this past week in my Psychology class, my Professor told us that Schizophrenics had an incredible poetic like creative tendencies and that they were completely harmless for the most part. Additionally, when he went down the list of the different characteristics of a schizophrenic, I must admit that I began to fear that that is just what I may be, so without further a do, let me share with you that Jazzy is a schizophrenic with a poetic creative crazy tendency and an imagination that has lead her to create beautiful amazing characters in her mind.....
There I was on Broadway, understanding my mind from what I'm learning and hoping that I can hold it together long enough to learn enough to hopefully understand myself and others in a way that I may one day be one who with my past experiences and own crazy tendencies may be able to help someone who may feel that they too are crazy! No, I am not the only one with these tendencies actually most humans have various schizophrenic tendencies which is why we sometimes think we are crazy, well, I'm sorry to have to be the one to confirm that if you are reading this you probably are in fact a bit of that, but it's cool! my professor who is a Yale graduate who has contributed to Psychological research has written books and is completely and absolutely awesome, is completely insane! that's fucking awesome and lets me know that I still have hope!
Ok, my completely fabricated character I created about 3 years ago I created him because I was going through a very difficult time in my life. I met this person and began to talk to this person and never once allowed him to talk, instead I was doing all the talking and all the answering. I asked and his silence gave me the opportunity to create which ever character I felt would be best for me to deal with the situation I was going through. He was sort of my imaginary friend, but as an adult. I used this person to shelter myself from loving, giving and allowing love back into my life. I utilized what I imagined this character to be to wee out all the men that would try to come close to me and didn't fit the description of this "perfect man" that I had created. I even created an email for him so that I could write him letters and he meaning me, could respond back to me saying whatever it is that "the perfect man" would say back. He was absolutely magical. I even had a picture of what he looked like in my mind. He was tall, dark hair, big dark brown eyes, beautiful lips, masculine body, soft spoken, well educated, intelligent, honest, sincere, loving and kind.
After making up this character, surely no man that came anywhere near me could even remotely compare! why he was the absolute image of perfection and any woman would be crazy not to fall madly in love with him. I thought of writing whole stories about this character, there were times when I would make up a whole story in my mind about him but by the time I would get to a pen and paper my mind would go blank, I couldn't put on a page my thoughts about this strange character that I had created for so long in my mind. It got so bad that I began to think he was real, I began to feel him as if he were present in my life, I could almost feel his touch when I would masturbate and think of him, he was as real as any man walking down a New York street. I would look at men on the street and wonder if they were him. What if that was the one I would often think to myself! I saw him only in my thoughts and in my dreams it was the best fucking relationship I had ever had in my life. I had a relationship with me, because all along I was doing me! LITERALLY!
One day, I went on this website to talk to people and to sort of get new friends so that I could promote my blog some way. I started talking to many different individuals and one day, there he was! the guy, the one I had imagined in my thoughts and then there he was again and again and again and again and again!!! And all of a sudden I realized one very important thing that I had failed to realize for so long. I realized that every single person that crosses one's path, has so many wonderful qualities of those that we like, that if for one minute we just stop and analyze and give people many people a fair chance, they will ultimately have all the different wonderful qualities that we hope to find in someone.
This character that I imagined all that time really did exist and does and will continue to, but it is up to me to allow these characters to come into or not into my life. I don't want them to, I don't have anything to give I don't have anything to share I don't have anything to contribute I am selfish and love myself so much now, that I have become this bitch that just doesn't give a fuck! I don't care that it's christmas! I don't care that the songs remind me of a fabricated character! I don't care that I don't have someone to buy me a christmas gift I have chosen this path and I like it! I chose: when, how and who and I am the boss of me! and no of course no one will ever understand me fully (except maybe my professor) but that is ok, because I don't give a fuck! I have my own agenda and if you don't want to roll with me and by my side, then you can roll the fuck away from me because guess what??? I WON'T GIVE A FUCK!
Conclusion to this story???? there is none, the point is that when you are doing you, then it doesn't matter who comes with you or not at the end of the road when you are in your dying bed, you have to think that you made all the choices in your life and that you lived your life the way you felt you had to live it for you! if someone wants to walk that path with you and call themselves your partner then that's absolutely amazing and you are completely lucky, but if no one does then that's ok too! we have the capability of being happy without that it's ok! I have found so many wonderful characters lately I don't know which one of them is more awesome! and NO I DO NOT KISS THEM! I DO NOT FUCK THEM! but if I ever choose to then I will! BECAUSE I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!!!
HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT!!!!! So! this christmas is my first in 3 years where I can honestly say that I am COMPLETELY happy with my choices...... and I am continuing to DO ME! LITERALLY!!! But that's cool! because doing me is way better then doing........ AN IMAGINARY FABRICATED CHARACTER!!!!!
Please listen to this lovely Christmas song: Over the Rhine - All I ever get for Christmas is blue
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyK7iXVhLEs
Yes, I often write some random fucked up shit on my blog and tonight is just one of those nights when I'm going to do just that! but before I do, let me just share that this past week in my Psychology class, my Professor told us that Schizophrenics had an incredible poetic like creative tendencies and that they were completely harmless for the most part. Additionally, when he went down the list of the different characteristics of a schizophrenic, I must admit that I began to fear that that is just what I may be, so without further a do, let me share with you that Jazzy is a schizophrenic with a poetic creative crazy tendency and an imagination that has lead her to create beautiful amazing characters in her mind.....
There I was on Broadway, understanding my mind from what I'm learning and hoping that I can hold it together long enough to learn enough to hopefully understand myself and others in a way that I may one day be one who with my past experiences and own crazy tendencies may be able to help someone who may feel that they too are crazy! No, I am not the only one with these tendencies actually most humans have various schizophrenic tendencies which is why we sometimes think we are crazy, well, I'm sorry to have to be the one to confirm that if you are reading this you probably are in fact a bit of that, but it's cool! my professor who is a Yale graduate who has contributed to Psychological research has written books and is completely and absolutely awesome, is completely insane! that's fucking awesome and lets me know that I still have hope!
Ok, my completely fabricated character I created about 3 years ago I created him because I was going through a very difficult time in my life. I met this person and began to talk to this person and never once allowed him to talk, instead I was doing all the talking and all the answering. I asked and his silence gave me the opportunity to create which ever character I felt would be best for me to deal with the situation I was going through. He was sort of my imaginary friend, but as an adult. I used this person to shelter myself from loving, giving and allowing love back into my life. I utilized what I imagined this character to be to wee out all the men that would try to come close to me and didn't fit the description of this "perfect man" that I had created. I even created an email for him so that I could write him letters and he meaning me, could respond back to me saying whatever it is that "the perfect man" would say back. He was absolutely magical. I even had a picture of what he looked like in my mind. He was tall, dark hair, big dark brown eyes, beautiful lips, masculine body, soft spoken, well educated, intelligent, honest, sincere, loving and kind.
After making up this character, surely no man that came anywhere near me could even remotely compare! why he was the absolute image of perfection and any woman would be crazy not to fall madly in love with him. I thought of writing whole stories about this character, there were times when I would make up a whole story in my mind about him but by the time I would get to a pen and paper my mind would go blank, I couldn't put on a page my thoughts about this strange character that I had created for so long in my mind. It got so bad that I began to think he was real, I began to feel him as if he were present in my life, I could almost feel his touch when I would masturbate and think of him, he was as real as any man walking down a New York street. I would look at men on the street and wonder if they were him. What if that was the one I would often think to myself! I saw him only in my thoughts and in my dreams it was the best fucking relationship I had ever had in my life. I had a relationship with me, because all along I was doing me! LITERALLY!
One day, I went on this website to talk to people and to sort of get new friends so that I could promote my blog some way. I started talking to many different individuals and one day, there he was! the guy, the one I had imagined in my thoughts and then there he was again and again and again and again and again!!! And all of a sudden I realized one very important thing that I had failed to realize for so long. I realized that every single person that crosses one's path, has so many wonderful qualities of those that we like, that if for one minute we just stop and analyze and give people many people a fair chance, they will ultimately have all the different wonderful qualities that we hope to find in someone.
This character that I imagined all that time really did exist and does and will continue to, but it is up to me to allow these characters to come into or not into my life. I don't want them to, I don't have anything to give I don't have anything to share I don't have anything to contribute I am selfish and love myself so much now, that I have become this bitch that just doesn't give a fuck! I don't care that it's christmas! I don't care that the songs remind me of a fabricated character! I don't care that I don't have someone to buy me a christmas gift I have chosen this path and I like it! I chose: when, how and who and I am the boss of me! and no of course no one will ever understand me fully (except maybe my professor) but that is ok, because I don't give a fuck! I have my own agenda and if you don't want to roll with me and by my side, then you can roll the fuck away from me because guess what??? I WON'T GIVE A FUCK!
Conclusion to this story???? there is none, the point is that when you are doing you, then it doesn't matter who comes with you or not at the end of the road when you are in your dying bed, you have to think that you made all the choices in your life and that you lived your life the way you felt you had to live it for you! if someone wants to walk that path with you and call themselves your partner then that's absolutely amazing and you are completely lucky, but if no one does then that's ok too! we have the capability of being happy without that it's ok! I have found so many wonderful characters lately I don't know which one of them is more awesome! and NO I DO NOT KISS THEM! I DO NOT FUCK THEM! but if I ever choose to then I will! BECAUSE I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT!!!
HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT!!!!! So! this christmas is my first in 3 years where I can honestly say that I am COMPLETELY happy with my choices...... and I am continuing to DO ME! LITERALLY!!! But that's cool! because doing me is way better then doing........ AN IMAGINARY FABRICATED CHARACTER!!!!!
Please listen to this lovely Christmas song: Over the Rhine - All I ever get for Christmas is blue
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyK7iXVhLEs
No comments:
Post a Comment