Dear Journal:
I feel like I have so much to tell you because I haven't written you lately yet I really don't have anything at all to write. I wrote a few journals on my phone during the week, but those were more venting journals than actually journals that had any meaning.
I miss AJ, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html like I miss being able to talk to him like we used to. I mean I know that I can talk to him If I really want to, but I rather not because if I talk to him it just makes me miss him so much more. I keep having this visual image of him and his girlfriend and it makes me nauseas, man I messed up! I could of been with him a year already if I wouldn't have acted so damn crazy! I see a pattern in me that I need to break, I push people away and then expect them to wait around for me forever, no, people don't do that.
It's really difficult because with him, I love him in two ways, so I feel like I have lost two things, I lost my friend and I lost my love, but then again I really didn't loose my friend because we talk again, just not like before, but I do feel a sense of my life being complete now that we at least made up and I can at the very least send him a message or call him and I know that he will get back to me, so in that sense it feels ok, but then it's not the same anymore I don't want to be disrespectful to his girlfriend because according to him she is worried about our friendship, If she knew how I am, she would not be. I would never try to get in the way of his happiness, he made a choice and I respect that as hard as it is. I told him the other day that I needed some time and space from him so that I could get over what I feel and then we can be cool friends like nothing, except the less I talk to him the more I miss him. I will be ok journal, I have overcome worst, still I need to work on my temper and my bad attitude toward men.
My other friend sort of made me realize this past week that I flip out a lot. Yeah I really do, however to my defense it kind of bothers me that men say I flip out, but then they give me reason to flip out. I feel like they think I can be such a nasty bitch, but in reality I flip out because they give me reason to. Like I wouldn't just go off on someone for no reason at all, if I go off it's because they did something to cause me to get upset, still I am vicious and I need to learn how to control my temper. I was doing pretty ok with my anger issues but I feel like they are coming back, I need therapy I wish I had time to go to a therapist and discuss all that is going on in my mind, therapy is really really great, I recommend it to EVERYONE! not only because I study psychology do I think it's awesome, but also because I have been to therapy and definitely saw the difference in me after going.
We all need someone neutral to talk to that can help us in learning how to organize our thoughts and understand where so many things stem from. Therapists are highly educated individuals and studying psychology is really really amazing, the mind is capable of so many things. I don't know but I really feel like I need to go to therapy I really need to find time for it, as I feel like I am not doing well mentally lately, I feel like I am loosing control, like I can't quite get it right.
I have decided that I do not want to do my casual dating thing that I do whenever I end a semester in school, I think I am going to keep it low key, I feel exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. I wish I could go somewhere and sleep for a few days, it's coming to the end of the semester when it is all just piling up and I am overwhelmed. I chat with people on line all the time, but I honestly don't want to get to know anyone new, I'm so over people to be honest I just want to chill and do nothing. People consume too much of my energy and it isn't even worth it half the time.
Other than that journal life is pretty normal, nothing major going on or worthy of a report. I am planning to go away early January or February, but I am not sure if it will happen. I want to go to San Francisco as I have never been there and I have someone there that I know who I can visit, I have to think about it though because I really really want to go back to Colorado as I absolutely am in love with it. Let's see what happens, I don't want to make any plans yet.
OK well....
Taylor Swift - You belong with me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuNIsY6JdUw
I feel like I have so much to tell you because I haven't written you lately yet I really don't have anything at all to write. I wrote a few journals on my phone during the week, but those were more venting journals than actually journals that had any meaning.
I miss AJ, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html like I miss being able to talk to him like we used to. I mean I know that I can talk to him If I really want to, but I rather not because if I talk to him it just makes me miss him so much more. I keep having this visual image of him and his girlfriend and it makes me nauseas, man I messed up! I could of been with him a year already if I wouldn't have acted so damn crazy! I see a pattern in me that I need to break, I push people away and then expect them to wait around for me forever, no, people don't do that.
It's really difficult because with him, I love him in two ways, so I feel like I have lost two things, I lost my friend and I lost my love, but then again I really didn't loose my friend because we talk again, just not like before, but I do feel a sense of my life being complete now that we at least made up and I can at the very least send him a message or call him and I know that he will get back to me, so in that sense it feels ok, but then it's not the same anymore I don't want to be disrespectful to his girlfriend because according to him she is worried about our friendship, If she knew how I am, she would not be. I would never try to get in the way of his happiness, he made a choice and I respect that as hard as it is. I told him the other day that I needed some time and space from him so that I could get over what I feel and then we can be cool friends like nothing, except the less I talk to him the more I miss him. I will be ok journal, I have overcome worst, still I need to work on my temper and my bad attitude toward men.
My other friend sort of made me realize this past week that I flip out a lot. Yeah I really do, however to my defense it kind of bothers me that men say I flip out, but then they give me reason to flip out. I feel like they think I can be such a nasty bitch, but in reality I flip out because they give me reason to. Like I wouldn't just go off on someone for no reason at all, if I go off it's because they did something to cause me to get upset, still I am vicious and I need to learn how to control my temper. I was doing pretty ok with my anger issues but I feel like they are coming back, I need therapy I wish I had time to go to a therapist and discuss all that is going on in my mind, therapy is really really great, I recommend it to EVERYONE! not only because I study psychology do I think it's awesome, but also because I have been to therapy and definitely saw the difference in me after going.
We all need someone neutral to talk to that can help us in learning how to organize our thoughts and understand where so many things stem from. Therapists are highly educated individuals and studying psychology is really really amazing, the mind is capable of so many things. I don't know but I really feel like I need to go to therapy I really need to find time for it, as I feel like I am not doing well mentally lately, I feel like I am loosing control, like I can't quite get it right.
I have decided that I do not want to do my casual dating thing that I do whenever I end a semester in school, I think I am going to keep it low key, I feel exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. I wish I could go somewhere and sleep for a few days, it's coming to the end of the semester when it is all just piling up and I am overwhelmed. I chat with people on line all the time, but I honestly don't want to get to know anyone new, I'm so over people to be honest I just want to chill and do nothing. People consume too much of my energy and it isn't even worth it half the time.
Other than that journal life is pretty normal, nothing major going on or worthy of a report. I am planning to go away early January or February, but I am not sure if it will happen. I want to go to San Francisco as I have never been there and I have someone there that I know who I can visit, I have to think about it though because I really really want to go back to Colorado as I absolutely am in love with it. Let's see what happens, I don't want to make any plans yet.
OK well....
Taylor Swift - You belong with me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuNIsY6JdUw
No comments:
Post a Comment