FORBIDDEN FRUIT..........

Dear Journal

I feel stuck and a little bit lazy.  I always think about you and how I want to write to you but I'm so excited that I'm done with school, that I kind of want to stare blankly into space and think of nothing. 

Lately, I have been feeling pure joy! like the sort of joy that isn't exuberant but just enough to keep me with a huge smile on my face!

I also have a new crush! but as usual with me, my crush isn't such a good idea, so I'm trying to convince myself not to think of my new crush, except every time I try not to think of him, I actually think of him more!

I mean how can I not think of this tall, thin, fun and handsome guy? He's so damn cool! the worst part is that I know I can't have him, because he has a girlfriend! (Insert sad face) journal, I know that liking someone that has a girlfriend is probably the worst idea I could have to date! but to my defense.... I KNEW HIM FIRST dammit! Literally I met him before she did, but the problem is that he lives in another state so although I spoke to him first, she met him in person first and now that's her man! UGH! the worst part is that I didn't have a crush on him at first, like at first I thought he was handsome and very cool but it was whatever, but then when I finally got to meet him in person I was so damn pissed off that I had waited so long to do so, because had I met him first he might of been into me dammit! 

I honestly think that he didn't bother with me because he didn't know if I was being honest and so to him it was more like whatever just some other random woman on the internet, but then once we met although he hit it off so great, by then it was to late because at that point he was supposedly madly in love! Ugh! These things only happen to me I swear! His girlfriend lives on the other side of the world, does he not know how much of a BAD idea that ends up being??? I did that before! And ended up wasting years of my life blinded by this long distance love that once I had next to me everyday, I couldn't stand! but I would never try to put myself in his face like a home wrecker, because Jazzy believes in Karma! I will not do to the lovely woman what I would not want to be done to me! so I need to find someone else to crush over immediately if not sooner!

I'm telling you right now journal, the next man that shows me interest I'm just going to make him my man even if only to feel like I can do it! Even if it turns out into a hot mess and we end up breaking up a month later! I feel like I NEED to do it, like I need to get out there and try out having a relationship! because not having one is beginning to make me feel abnormal, I need to have a relationship even if it's a shitty one, I think that once I start having them again I'll slowly get it, you know like get how it goes how it's "supposed to be" there are a lot of new changes coming to my life soon though, and while I would love to share every bit of it with you, I cannot just yet.

I will tell you this however, it has to do with newness! I'm sooo excited!

So yeah, at my old age I all of a sudden want to crush over forbidden fruit! Really?? As if there aren't millions of other men out there in the world? Ugh! I hate when I have a crush on one of my friends! That just sucks! But he's so cute! and even though I keep trying to convince myself that he's "not really that cute" I can't find any reason why he isn't! (Insert sad face).  UGH! 

Painting by: Paul Gauguin