Dear Journal -
One day my life will be totally dull and I anticipate that I will be OK with that! indeed I will! because when life is dull you can just be, be in yourself and enjoy the stillness of being. Right now however, or today and yesterday at least, my life was an emotional roller coaster that I can't deal with!
It all started when I got home and checked my email and saw Benjamin Nunez's name all over my inbox! Ok.... so he has a blog and I have made comments to many of his posts in the past, and well, obviously there will be a time when someone will go on his blog make a comment to something he has written and then there will be that message that I get because the comment was made, but these emails, these emails they were different and I am writing this on my journal because I am tired of thinking that I am crazy and that I make up stories in my mind that are totally crazy and that maybe, just maybe, I should instead be writing a triller! and not just blogging about my boring life that is not full of "racy" moments, as someone suggested I might have.
Racy! now there is a word that doesn't describe my life AT ALL! have I had sexual moments in my life that I may not be totally proud of? of course I have, haven't we all? Have I done something sexual in my life that is totally bizare or weird or out of the ordinary? what does that even mean? but I am not sitting in my new room in Colorado to tell you about any bizarre sexual moments, I am sitting here writing to you to tell you about one specific moment, a moment that turned this week into an emotional roller coaster! yes..... maybe I am also feeling this way because it's that time of the month, that time of the month where I feel fat and want to eat all the sweets that cross my path! and yes, maybe it's just that I am in a new city and I am surrounded by new people and maybe it's an adjustment thing I am going through, I mean the only one here that I know for over 2 years is AJ and well, he and I, that's a whole other story, although I did realize yesterday that I am in love with him very much so! it's hard, it's hard to feel this way for someone and know that you shouldn't and that you can't and that you won't, but I won't, because love is not what it seems, I don't think it is, not anymore.
To me love is becoming a four letter word that I sometimes think does more harm then good, especially when it comes to romantic love, but maybe I am just feeling all this sadness inside because the other day I came home after spending the night with someone I am really starting to get to know, to appreciate and to like, and there they were, those emails that made me cry! and I cried and cried and cried and then I wrote a poem, because that's all I could do, just write a poem, a poem about this one man that still haunts me, the one I have been writing about since day one.... Benjamin Nunez! yes the one who's name isn't Benjamin Nunez...remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html but why in the fucking world, would you cry simply because you saw some guys name in your inbox simply because you made a comment on a post that was written in 2008 and then someone made a comment to it? I know journal that, that is what you are asking me, but I will tell you why I cried. I cried because after all this time, he still controls my mind. It reminds me of the Phantom of the Opera, she had his voice in her head, no matter where her heart was, there he was, in some way a significant person who had changed something inside of her forever.
I saw the name and then I started to review the comments and the comments where all his comments to the blog post, he was apparently testing something on his site which ok, it's legit, he is a software engineer so of course he would do that right? of course! but then, one of the emails read..... THIS IS A TEST FOR YOU..... and when I saw that email, that is when I broke down. OH MY BENJAMIN! how will I ever erase you from the depths of my memory? and why still, as I write these words, do tears roll down my cheek?
I know that to anyone else, that seems normal maybe, but I knew that what he was doing, was on purpose, I knew he was looking for a reaction and that's exactly what I gave him, I hope that made him happy. I wrote him an email being pissed but being nice, but being me, except I don't know which me he loves more!
Before I left NY, I contemplated briefly on trying to see him, like stopping by his office and just saying hello, but then I thought about the pain I might feel if I actually did get to see him, it's been over 2 years since I last saw his face, and I didn't think I wanted to see it again, but all of a sudden, these last few days, I want to get on a flight to NYC and just watch him from a far, just see him once, I miss my Benjamin!
So yes, I had a relapse of love perhaps? or of sadness because I am feeling home sick maybe? or maybe It's because it's that time of the month, or maybe it's because I have been spending time with someone who so closely resembles him. Or maybe it's that he wanted to know something about me, and didn't have the guts to just say hi, like a normal human being should. So instead he decided to haunt me with his emails, how clever he is! maybe that's why I loved him so desperately!
I just want this week to go away and that way, this sadness looming over me will go away with it and new days will come so that I can feel normal again, or at least as normal as normal can be. Benjamin ruined my week! THANKS ALOT B!
Phantom of the Opera - Theme Song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKsoF8wdEVE
One day my life will be totally dull and I anticipate that I will be OK with that! indeed I will! because when life is dull you can just be, be in yourself and enjoy the stillness of being. Right now however, or today and yesterday at least, my life was an emotional roller coaster that I can't deal with!
It all started when I got home and checked my email and saw Benjamin Nunez's name all over my inbox! Ok.... so he has a blog and I have made comments to many of his posts in the past, and well, obviously there will be a time when someone will go on his blog make a comment to something he has written and then there will be that message that I get because the comment was made, but these emails, these emails they were different and I am writing this on my journal because I am tired of thinking that I am crazy and that I make up stories in my mind that are totally crazy and that maybe, just maybe, I should instead be writing a triller! and not just blogging about my boring life that is not full of "racy" moments, as someone suggested I might have.
Racy! now there is a word that doesn't describe my life AT ALL! have I had sexual moments in my life that I may not be totally proud of? of course I have, haven't we all? Have I done something sexual in my life that is totally bizare or weird or out of the ordinary? what does that even mean? but I am not sitting in my new room in Colorado to tell you about any bizarre sexual moments, I am sitting here writing to you to tell you about one specific moment, a moment that turned this week into an emotional roller coaster! yes..... maybe I am also feeling this way because it's that time of the month, that time of the month where I feel fat and want to eat all the sweets that cross my path! and yes, maybe it's just that I am in a new city and I am surrounded by new people and maybe it's an adjustment thing I am going through, I mean the only one here that I know for over 2 years is AJ and well, he and I, that's a whole other story, although I did realize yesterday that I am in love with him very much so! it's hard, it's hard to feel this way for someone and know that you shouldn't and that you can't and that you won't, but I won't, because love is not what it seems, I don't think it is, not anymore.
To me love is becoming a four letter word that I sometimes think does more harm then good, especially when it comes to romantic love, but maybe I am just feeling all this sadness inside because the other day I came home after spending the night with someone I am really starting to get to know, to appreciate and to like, and there they were, those emails that made me cry! and I cried and cried and cried and then I wrote a poem, because that's all I could do, just write a poem, a poem about this one man that still haunts me, the one I have been writing about since day one.... Benjamin Nunez! yes the one who's name isn't Benjamin Nunez...remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html but why in the fucking world, would you cry simply because you saw some guys name in your inbox simply because you made a comment on a post that was written in 2008 and then someone made a comment to it? I know journal that, that is what you are asking me, but I will tell you why I cried. I cried because after all this time, he still controls my mind. It reminds me of the Phantom of the Opera, she had his voice in her head, no matter where her heart was, there he was, in some way a significant person who had changed something inside of her forever.
I saw the name and then I started to review the comments and the comments where all his comments to the blog post, he was apparently testing something on his site which ok, it's legit, he is a software engineer so of course he would do that right? of course! but then, one of the emails read..... THIS IS A TEST FOR YOU..... and when I saw that email, that is when I broke down. OH MY BENJAMIN! how will I ever erase you from the depths of my memory? and why still, as I write these words, do tears roll down my cheek?
I know that to anyone else, that seems normal maybe, but I knew that what he was doing, was on purpose, I knew he was looking for a reaction and that's exactly what I gave him, I hope that made him happy. I wrote him an email being pissed but being nice, but being me, except I don't know which me he loves more!
Before I left NY, I contemplated briefly on trying to see him, like stopping by his office and just saying hello, but then I thought about the pain I might feel if I actually did get to see him, it's been over 2 years since I last saw his face, and I didn't think I wanted to see it again, but all of a sudden, these last few days, I want to get on a flight to NYC and just watch him from a far, just see him once, I miss my Benjamin!
So yes, I had a relapse of love perhaps? or of sadness because I am feeling home sick maybe? or maybe It's because it's that time of the month, or maybe it's because I have been spending time with someone who so closely resembles him. Or maybe it's that he wanted to know something about me, and didn't have the guts to just say hi, like a normal human being should. So instead he decided to haunt me with his emails, how clever he is! maybe that's why I loved him so desperately!
I just want this week to go away and that way, this sadness looming over me will go away with it and new days will come so that I can feel normal again, or at least as normal as normal can be. Benjamin ruined my week! THANKS ALOT B!
Phantom of the Opera - Theme Song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKsoF8wdEVE
No comments:
Post a Comment