"Every time you call me a friend, I die a little more inside" ~ Author unknown
Dear Journal -
I am so sorry if you for once thought that I forgot you, because that would be a false thought. I have thought of you much lately, but I have to admit that I am stuck on words and can't quite find it in me to sit and write to you, because so many things are new, that I do not know where to start. First I should start by telling you that I am so truly happy! and although there are a few things currently missing in my life that would make my life complete, I still feel totally content.
Last night I got to spend time with my friend AJ, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and I have to tell you that nothing felt more complete than to just sit with him in my room listening to music, hanging out with him felt so perfect! I honestly think it felt perfect for us both, just being with each other and talking and almost catching up to get to where we have made it, which is now. In my heart I know that what we share is true and that nothing or no one will ever take that away from us; but I have to be aware of another truth and that other truth that I see is that it's complicated, it's difficult and I will never try again. I will just be the friend that I know how to be and forget that in the depths of my heart, sits the love I feel for him that I cannot express. Just sitting together in the dark smoking a cigarette looking at the stars and talking, that alone was perfect! and I'll take that over not having him in my life at all. I know that he knows it also, but he made a decision with regards to me, and I will never try to change his mind, because that is not what friends are supposed to do. I am truly happy that we are such good friends and that no matter how tough it was to get to where we are now, we did it and what we share is real and pure. I love him in more ways than one and he is my family in my new home.
I have been meeting a bunch of new people in the new city where I live, which by the way is an amazing place! I am so excited to be here and to be able to start a whole new life! I am so glad that I made this decision and stuck to it and that I did it and that here I am, ready to take on a new challenge, start new and be exactly where I have wanted to be for so long. I have been here since February 16th and I feel like I have always been here, like I was destined to be here all along, I finally found my perfect home!
I also met someone a few weeks ago that has a striking resemblance to Benjamin Nunez, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html, it's so weird how much this man that I met looks like him. The weird thing is that he is nothing like him personality wise, so whenever I hang out with him and look at him, I feel like I'm looking at Benjamin, but talking to someone else, I don't know how I feel about their similar looks, I'm not sure if I am going to appreciate this person for who he truly is if I keep making that connection between them. Benjamin did me so wrong, that I am not quite sure I am as fond of him as I once was, I am not sure that I want to know anyone else like him and although this guy isn't anything like him AT ALL! personality wise, the fact that he looks so much like him, sometimes makes me feel strange. I think that I will just separate him from Benjamin all together and give him a chance to be my friend without connecting him to someone who broke my heart and never again spoke to me as if I had done something really wrong to him. So, effective immediately, as soon as I see my new friend and show him Benjamin's pic so he can see his doppelganger, I will start with him from scratch and pretend that I didn't feel attracted to talking to him, only because he reminded me of a love that I once knew, who never ever ever deserved my love at all. From today on, I will give him the opportunity to be him and try my hardest to look at him in a different light. I do not want Ben's memory to haunt me every time I'm around this cool individual, because that would not be fair to him.
Journal, I don't know what else to tell you for now, again, I am truly happy and feel complete! life is amazing! ps. AJ is going to draw the tattoo I plan on getting! yup..... I'm going to do it!
Off to my first jog in 9 months I go!
Mont Sainte-Victoire
By: Paul Cezanne
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