Dear Journal:
Hi! I have been missing you! I sometimes forget that the reason why I got you was because I preferred to go on a site that I consider mine, ie. my own blog page, then to go on a public social network site to share my thoughts. For starters, the limited amount of characters on a status update, doesn't allow you to fully share what is REALLY going on in your mind, just imagine me trying to share all that happens in my life on one status! that would be totally nuts!
Today I received an email from my wonderful ex creative writing professor, I truly enjoyed his class! he told me he was moving to Los Angeles with his amazing fiance and to continue to write, he also told me that if I ever wrote anything I wanted to share with him, he would review it and critique it! that was in my opinion pretty awesome of him to offer! I think he is one awesome guy and hope that one day he gets the credit he deserves for his hard work. Anyway, after I read the email that ended with the sentence... "keep writing" I realized that I have been totally slacking on my writing, and that I need to get to it ASAP! the problem is that I can only write things that are currently going on in my life, and I am not sure if writing certain things would be a good thing. I can very well start telling you a few things that are of no importance, but writing those things would be sort of lame I guess, because when I look back to this my journal to remember a time, I would like to remember it as accurate as possible, however, in the past, I have gotten myself in all sorts of trouble with things I have written, so I am not sure when it is ok to write something that is real and happening, and when it may be time to keep things to myself? except if I keep things to myself then I am not being true to you, my live journal....
The other night as I laid down with my boyfriend, I told him that I was having a really difficult time being in a relationship. I told him that I was beginning to feel claustrophobic and that there were days when I wanted to just start running. He asked me what about us being together made me feel that way, and I told him that the fact that I can't just up and go as I please, really annoyed me and I proceeded to give him an example of a day last week, when I wanted to just take off, but didn't do so because I had to stop and consider his feelings about me disappearing. After I told him that, he told me that all I needed to do in the future, was to call him and give him a heads up that I was going to do something, and he would understand. I guess he didn't understand that, that is exactly what I didn't want to do, that is exactly what I dislike about being in a relationship, except if he did that to me I would probably be upset. I told him that also, I told him that I felt like I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, and his response to that was, that cake was meant to be eaten! and after he said that, he proceeded by telling me that he really didn't want to talk about all of that at that moment and after he said that, he turned around and the conversation was over!
I am not sure where this blog post is going, maybe I just needed to let that last paragraph out of my head and on to this page, because when I tried to express to my boyfriend how I'm feeling and what thoughts are going on in my head, he chooses not to talk about it and pretend I didn't say anything. The truth is however that I feel pressured, I feel claustrophobic and I feel strange. I don't know how to do this whole relationship thing, and I don't even know if I like it. I have been alone for so long I no longer know how to be part of another, I don't know how to be ok with having to let someone know my whereabouts as if they were my parent. I don't know how to deal with someone else's attitude and pretend i'm ok with it. I don't know what things I should tell this person, and what I shouldn't. I am scared to fall for him, but even more afraid to think of maybe letting him go and worst of all, I am starting to miss him whenever I'm gone for a few hours, even though I shouldn't have to because I know that I am going to see him later! and the reason why I know I will be seeing him later is because I am currently living with him temporarily, and I have no where else to go but to his place! I am seriously feeling a bit overwhelmed by this whole thing and all he can say is.... "I don't want to talk about it right now," and I'm supposed to be ok with that? I seriously forgot how fucking annoying being involved with someone is and I just don't know how long I can deal with it for.
So yes, all is nice nice on the surface, there is a lot of kissing going on, and we have sex and yes we laugh and tell each other past silly stories, so yes, everyone is happy! or are we? is he? I mean I tell him I'm having a hard time being in a relationship and he turns around and goes to sleep! what the fuck! maybe he is also and doesn't want to address it, who knows! in any case, I am feeling overwhelmed and a little lost in the shuffle, I just don't know that I know how to be a plus one! I liked my freedom! I enjoyed doing what I wanted when I wanted and I have been honest about it except he pretends I didn't say anything and then I pretend I didn't say anything either because we weren't supposed to talk about it! what the f$#@! I keep telling myself that things will get better, and I look at his face and think to myself.... "damn he's cute!" but is cute enough to keep me around and pretending that everything is fine and dandy? or is this relationship already heading to it's end when it barely just began? or am I over analyzing this because it is going so fast? I hate it! why couldn't it just be simple!
So, yes journal, this is what's going on in my life currently and I only hope that by being honest to you, I don't end up messing everything up because the wrong person might read this post. But well, I will stay true to you no matter what trouble I get into, because at the end of the day, this is me, this is my life and I choose to share it!
I will leave you with my new favorite song! yes.... it makes me think about how my boyfriend feels about me... Jazzy is scared!
Justin Timberlake - Not a bad thing...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8ygKnBtKAk
Hi! I have been missing you! I sometimes forget that the reason why I got you was because I preferred to go on a site that I consider mine, ie. my own blog page, then to go on a public social network site to share my thoughts. For starters, the limited amount of characters on a status update, doesn't allow you to fully share what is REALLY going on in your mind, just imagine me trying to share all that happens in my life on one status! that would be totally nuts!
Today I received an email from my wonderful ex creative writing professor, I truly enjoyed his class! he told me he was moving to Los Angeles with his amazing fiance and to continue to write, he also told me that if I ever wrote anything I wanted to share with him, he would review it and critique it! that was in my opinion pretty awesome of him to offer! I think he is one awesome guy and hope that one day he gets the credit he deserves for his hard work. Anyway, after I read the email that ended with the sentence... "keep writing" I realized that I have been totally slacking on my writing, and that I need to get to it ASAP! the problem is that I can only write things that are currently going on in my life, and I am not sure if writing certain things would be a good thing. I can very well start telling you a few things that are of no importance, but writing those things would be sort of lame I guess, because when I look back to this my journal to remember a time, I would like to remember it as accurate as possible, however, in the past, I have gotten myself in all sorts of trouble with things I have written, so I am not sure when it is ok to write something that is real and happening, and when it may be time to keep things to myself? except if I keep things to myself then I am not being true to you, my live journal....
The other night as I laid down with my boyfriend, I told him that I was having a really difficult time being in a relationship. I told him that I was beginning to feel claustrophobic and that there were days when I wanted to just start running. He asked me what about us being together made me feel that way, and I told him that the fact that I can't just up and go as I please, really annoyed me and I proceeded to give him an example of a day last week, when I wanted to just take off, but didn't do so because I had to stop and consider his feelings about me disappearing. After I told him that, he told me that all I needed to do in the future, was to call him and give him a heads up that I was going to do something, and he would understand. I guess he didn't understand that, that is exactly what I didn't want to do, that is exactly what I dislike about being in a relationship, except if he did that to me I would probably be upset. I told him that also, I told him that I felt like I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, and his response to that was, that cake was meant to be eaten! and after he said that, he proceeded by telling me that he really didn't want to talk about all of that at that moment and after he said that, he turned around and the conversation was over!
I am not sure where this blog post is going, maybe I just needed to let that last paragraph out of my head and on to this page, because when I tried to express to my boyfriend how I'm feeling and what thoughts are going on in my head, he chooses not to talk about it and pretend I didn't say anything. The truth is however that I feel pressured, I feel claustrophobic and I feel strange. I don't know how to do this whole relationship thing, and I don't even know if I like it. I have been alone for so long I no longer know how to be part of another, I don't know how to be ok with having to let someone know my whereabouts as if they were my parent. I don't know how to deal with someone else's attitude and pretend i'm ok with it. I don't know what things I should tell this person, and what I shouldn't. I am scared to fall for him, but even more afraid to think of maybe letting him go and worst of all, I am starting to miss him whenever I'm gone for a few hours, even though I shouldn't have to because I know that I am going to see him later! and the reason why I know I will be seeing him later is because I am currently living with him temporarily, and I have no where else to go but to his place! I am seriously feeling a bit overwhelmed by this whole thing and all he can say is.... "I don't want to talk about it right now," and I'm supposed to be ok with that? I seriously forgot how fucking annoying being involved with someone is and I just don't know how long I can deal with it for.
So yes, all is nice nice on the surface, there is a lot of kissing going on, and we have sex and yes we laugh and tell each other past silly stories, so yes, everyone is happy! or are we? is he? I mean I tell him I'm having a hard time being in a relationship and he turns around and goes to sleep! what the fuck! maybe he is also and doesn't want to address it, who knows! in any case, I am feeling overwhelmed and a little lost in the shuffle, I just don't know that I know how to be a plus one! I liked my freedom! I enjoyed doing what I wanted when I wanted and I have been honest about it except he pretends I didn't say anything and then I pretend I didn't say anything either because we weren't supposed to talk about it! what the f$#@! I keep telling myself that things will get better, and I look at his face and think to myself.... "damn he's cute!" but is cute enough to keep me around and pretending that everything is fine and dandy? or is this relationship already heading to it's end when it barely just began? or am I over analyzing this because it is going so fast? I hate it! why couldn't it just be simple!
So, yes journal, this is what's going on in my life currently and I only hope that by being honest to you, I don't end up messing everything up because the wrong person might read this post. But well, I will stay true to you no matter what trouble I get into, because at the end of the day, this is me, this is my life and I choose to share it!
I will leave you with my new favorite song! yes.... it makes me think about how my boyfriend feels about me... Jazzy is scared!
Justin Timberlake - Not a bad thing...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8ygKnBtKAk
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