Dear Journal -
I feel like I write my best when shit is all over the place, which right now it is! I mean yeah, it could be so much worse as my ex-husband was all to happy to point out, but I feel like shit! and if I want to throw myself a pitty party then I should be able to because I feel like it! why can't I? why do I always have to keep it together, have it all figured out and be on top of it all? I am human too and I deserve to be sad, cry, feel like shit, and whatever else I choose too as long as I get back on track at some point!
I'm not happy lately, mostly because I was laid off from work. But getting laid off from work is not what has me so sad, getting laid off from work is just the initiation of why I'm feeling down. I am down because not working gives me time to think about my life and realize how I am not happy with the fact that I am not doing what I truly love. What do I truly love? I love Psychology! I want to help others with what I have learned, I want to be in a field where I am making a difference, and unfortunately I cannot be in it. Yes there are many reasons why I can't, for starters I don't have experience and therefore even to get a job as a case manager is a huge deal, of course I won't get a job like that, I don't have the slightest idea of how I would manage someone's case because I have never done that and I can't get into the field because I need to work to make a living and take care of my children so let's say I did get lucky and got a job as a case manager so that I could get into the field, well then I would be getting paid crumbs and I would make more money doing what I was doing before which is HR stuff, except I'm not up there in the HR ranks because well, I couldn't move up in the HR ranks before because I didn't have a degree and now that I do, I have to be around for a while in order to make it up in the ranks but I don't care to make it up in the ranks because that's not what I really want! I need a masters degree to go anywhere, but who has the money for a masters degree now? also, I have to worry about my kids and their future first before I can go looking for mine, which should have been determined years ago.
I know that I am rambling on, so for now I want to say this. I felt really alone today for the very first time since I've been in Colorado and for a moment I wanted to go back home to NYC. Then, I was driving and took a look at the mountains and for some reason they made me feel better. All of a sudden I felt like I was right where I needed to be, I felt at home. So it isn't Colorado that is doing anything, is me and my wants/needs that are making me feel the way I do. I came here with a plan that I am not following and for the first time in a really long time I don't have a 5 year plan and I ALWAYS have a 5 year plan so I feel a bit out of place, out of myself out of control with my life. I understand that I need to get myself together, that I can't help others if I am all over the place myself. So I just wanted to come on here my beautiful ever so faithful journal and cry to you because I want to, because I can, and because I have the right too!
ps. I cut off all my hair....... I wish Benjamin was still my friend, he would be most pleased with my new hair cut... I miss him so!
I feel like I write my best when shit is all over the place, which right now it is! I mean yeah, it could be so much worse as my ex-husband was all to happy to point out, but I feel like shit! and if I want to throw myself a pitty party then I should be able to because I feel like it! why can't I? why do I always have to keep it together, have it all figured out and be on top of it all? I am human too and I deserve to be sad, cry, feel like shit, and whatever else I choose too as long as I get back on track at some point!
I'm not happy lately, mostly because I was laid off from work. But getting laid off from work is not what has me so sad, getting laid off from work is just the initiation of why I'm feeling down. I am down because not working gives me time to think about my life and realize how I am not happy with the fact that I am not doing what I truly love. What do I truly love? I love Psychology! I want to help others with what I have learned, I want to be in a field where I am making a difference, and unfortunately I cannot be in it. Yes there are many reasons why I can't, for starters I don't have experience and therefore even to get a job as a case manager is a huge deal, of course I won't get a job like that, I don't have the slightest idea of how I would manage someone's case because I have never done that and I can't get into the field because I need to work to make a living and take care of my children so let's say I did get lucky and got a job as a case manager so that I could get into the field, well then I would be getting paid crumbs and I would make more money doing what I was doing before which is HR stuff, except I'm not up there in the HR ranks because well, I couldn't move up in the HR ranks before because I didn't have a degree and now that I do, I have to be around for a while in order to make it up in the ranks but I don't care to make it up in the ranks because that's not what I really want! I need a masters degree to go anywhere, but who has the money for a masters degree now? also, I have to worry about my kids and their future first before I can go looking for mine, which should have been determined years ago.
I know that I am rambling on, so for now I want to say this. I felt really alone today for the very first time since I've been in Colorado and for a moment I wanted to go back home to NYC. Then, I was driving and took a look at the mountains and for some reason they made me feel better. All of a sudden I felt like I was right where I needed to be, I felt at home. So it isn't Colorado that is doing anything, is me and my wants/needs that are making me feel the way I do. I came here with a plan that I am not following and for the first time in a really long time I don't have a 5 year plan and I ALWAYS have a 5 year plan so I feel a bit out of place, out of myself out of control with my life. I understand that I need to get myself together, that I can't help others if I am all over the place myself. So I just wanted to come on here my beautiful ever so faithful journal and cry to you because I want to, because I can, and because I have the right too!
ps. I cut off all my hair....... I wish Benjamin was still my friend, he would be most pleased with my new hair cut... I miss him so!
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