Dear Journal -
I'm on my flight from Frankfurt to Washington, D.C. a flight I had to end up taking because my original flight which was Frankfurt to NJ was changed due to a severe snow storm that has caused all the flights leaving NY/NJ area tonight to be cancelled, I was supposed to fly to Denver from NJ!
Anyway, almost every night for this past week I've been thinking about you because I have a lot on my mind, and I feel like you are the one I like to go to, so that I can express and think as I write, which serves as a sort of therapy. You help me feel better and have even helped me make some decisions.
I left to Europe thinking that I was just going to have a good time with a friend who happens to be my ex-boyfriend who's company I happen to enjoy. Someone who has always been nothing but nice to me, the one guy I can honestly say has always treated me like a princes. Respect and honesty and everything I could always hope for in someone. I thought I could go there and handle it and not allow myself to get emotional about it, but here I am sitting on this flight thinking that something happened while I was there, something I'm having a hard time with. How can I turn around now and walk away and pretend I don't feel anything? We had such an amazing time. And yes I know you are thinking that I'm feeling this way because it was Europe and it was romantic, but it isn't that. I have always felt this way about him, maybe now more than before, but definitely I have always been bummed about the fact that we can't be together.
When we were in Amsterdam, my good friend said that we made a great couple and asked us why we weren't together? and he couldn't answer it, he just looked at me and I had to say that he wasn't ready, and his response was like....ok.... which translates to, I guess I'll accept that. Later that night I asked him why and he couldn't answer the question of why weren't we together? and that's when I broke down! I told him that since I had gotten to Europe I couldn't help but to randomly think of Benjamin and how when I had first met Benjamin, I had told him that I had this dream that I would one day go to Paris with the man I loved, and how one of my really good friends had told me that he never thought of Paris as romance but rather he thought of Paris as fashion and so that's how I had started thinking about it. And how I felt so hurt that Benjamin was engaged to another woman, and how I had loved Benjamin all those years and felt like I had loved him more than anyone else I had ever loved. And how my feelings for him had always been based on who I thought him to be, because I never really had known him any other way.
And then I said that I wanted it all, I deserved it all and how I was always so afraid because he was real and in my life and how I didn't know or understood what I felt cause I was really scared. So he listened and stood quiet and then I cried a little and after we changed the conversation, and he never told me how he felt about us, nor did he answer my question... Why aren't we together?
So now what happens? I have to get back home he's going to be staying with me initially and I have to try to pretend that I don't feel all these things, that I don't feel closer to him than ever before. But I also have to keep things in perspective and not allow my heart to control me, but rather let logic kick in. Let logic control the situation. I know he has strong feelings for me as well, I know it's hard for him as well. I don't want to pressure him, I want him to make it right for us on his own. I hope he does, but if he doesn't and this doesn't work out, I have to say that maybe my dream of going to Paris with the man I loved didn't come true, but I sure did go to Paris with the nicest most awesome guy I have ever had the opportunity of being around. I surely do hope that if it isn't me that he's searching for that he finds it with someone who truly deserves him!
My second trip to Europe was amazing! I know there will be others. Last night he told me that he had my back, and the whole time we were in Europe together, we were together! I even met his mom!
Only time will tell what will happen next...
Stay tuned!
I'm on my flight from Frankfurt to Washington, D.C. a flight I had to end up taking because my original flight which was Frankfurt to NJ was changed due to a severe snow storm that has caused all the flights leaving NY/NJ area tonight to be cancelled, I was supposed to fly to Denver from NJ!
Anyway, almost every night for this past week I've been thinking about you because I have a lot on my mind, and I feel like you are the one I like to go to, so that I can express and think as I write, which serves as a sort of therapy. You help me feel better and have even helped me make some decisions.
I left to Europe thinking that I was just going to have a good time with a friend who happens to be my ex-boyfriend who's company I happen to enjoy. Someone who has always been nothing but nice to me, the one guy I can honestly say has always treated me like a princes. Respect and honesty and everything I could always hope for in someone. I thought I could go there and handle it and not allow myself to get emotional about it, but here I am sitting on this flight thinking that something happened while I was there, something I'm having a hard time with. How can I turn around now and walk away and pretend I don't feel anything? We had such an amazing time. And yes I know you are thinking that I'm feeling this way because it was Europe and it was romantic, but it isn't that. I have always felt this way about him, maybe now more than before, but definitely I have always been bummed about the fact that we can't be together.
When we were in Amsterdam, my good friend said that we made a great couple and asked us why we weren't together? and he couldn't answer it, he just looked at me and I had to say that he wasn't ready, and his response was like....ok.... which translates to, I guess I'll accept that. Later that night I asked him why and he couldn't answer the question of why weren't we together? and that's when I broke down! I told him that since I had gotten to Europe I couldn't help but to randomly think of Benjamin and how when I had first met Benjamin, I had told him that I had this dream that I would one day go to Paris with the man I loved, and how one of my really good friends had told me that he never thought of Paris as romance but rather he thought of Paris as fashion and so that's how I had started thinking about it. And how I felt so hurt that Benjamin was engaged to another woman, and how I had loved Benjamin all those years and felt like I had loved him more than anyone else I had ever loved. And how my feelings for him had always been based on who I thought him to be, because I never really had known him any other way.
And then I said that I wanted it all, I deserved it all and how I was always so afraid because he was real and in my life and how I didn't know or understood what I felt cause I was really scared. So he listened and stood quiet and then I cried a little and after we changed the conversation, and he never told me how he felt about us, nor did he answer my question... Why aren't we together?
So now what happens? I have to get back home he's going to be staying with me initially and I have to try to pretend that I don't feel all these things, that I don't feel closer to him than ever before. But I also have to keep things in perspective and not allow my heart to control me, but rather let logic kick in. Let logic control the situation. I know he has strong feelings for me as well, I know it's hard for him as well. I don't want to pressure him, I want him to make it right for us on his own. I hope he does, but if he doesn't and this doesn't work out, I have to say that maybe my dream of going to Paris with the man I loved didn't come true, but I sure did go to Paris with the nicest most awesome guy I have ever had the opportunity of being around. I surely do hope that if it isn't me that he's searching for that he finds it with someone who truly deserves him!
My second trip to Europe was amazing! I know there will be others. Last night he told me that he had my back, and the whole time we were in Europe together, we were together! I even met his mom!
Only time will tell what will happen next...
Stay tuned!
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