Mirrors

Dear Journal - 

I wrote this post yesterday evening at almost 11p.m. sitting on my balcony getting some amazing fresh air! I wrote it on my phone and only now am I having a chance to post it.  Today is Friday the 13th! YIKES!

How are thou? I always say this and it's true, I often think of you, but I can't get myself to put the words in here anymore, it's almost as if I left you behind in NYC with all my pain that there remains.  Sometimes I wonder if this is my place of solace, a place where I came to leave it all behind, my past my hurt my old self.  The mountains console me, I never feel down anymore, and while I miss my beautiful sky line, I no longer feel the yearn of being there again.  I am content, though I might be alone without a person to love in a romantic way, I have so much love from so many great new friends that I don't miss it, I don't feel the need for it, yet sometimes I fear to end up alone, if that is even possible.  

I have forgotten what a romantic connection feels like, yet I remember what it meant to me once upon a time.  I can honestly say that in CO there is only but one person that brings me only a bit of comfort to knowing that with him although I don't feel it still, I know we had one a long time ago.  AJ! he is almost the reason why I ended up here, I grabbed on to him for a reason, and though I still don't know what that reason is, I believe it was part of the journey that I had to go on.   I had not seen AJ in a year maybe more, and the other day we had coffee, and for the first time since I've known him, I felt that we were finally in a good place, yet seeing him reminded me of what I felt when I did have connections, but I know in my heart that our connection can only stay as friendship, but I'm finally truly ok with that.  

Today however something strange happened, I went to a training for work, and I met a man who I instantly felt attracted too, of course just my luck he is marred and journal you know how much I respect another woman's man, but still I could tell the feeling was mutual, and while there was no flirting, something told me that he felt it also, and it reminded me of a book I read that talks about soul mates, how we can have so many in this world, but once you pick one and

they pick you, you must always stay true to that one person, clearly he is with his choice, yet for me, feeling attracted to someone made me feel happy, it reminded me that I can still be one day maybe in love to someone I find that connection with, so I am alive! I am here! and I'm not a robot!

The crazy thing about this whole story of today is that earlier on my way to the training, a song came on my playlist, that briefly took me back home to Brooklyn! and for a few brief moments I thought about him, the man in B5 and I wondered how he was doing, and sent him mental well wishes, and missed him dearly! I also fantasized how happy we would have been if he would of given me a chance, and how connected I had felt to him, and how not often in life those connections cross your path, and how I could not talk to him because it was best, and how I would of stayed in Brooklyn just for him, just to give that whole situation a chance and how I am certain that if it would not have worked out, I would have been ok with it, because CO would still be here for me to come too, if that is what I would of chosen to do had it not worked out between us, and how I would have never regretted it or looked back and then I imagined how much he would like Colorado if he was adventurous like me.  

So tonight as I sit here thinking about all of this, it was so easy to make the words flow onto you, because still he inspires me, and still when I think of him it's easy to write, yet he once told me to find someone else to inspire me and how it's been nearly 4 years since I last saw him and still the thought of him helps me pour my thoughts into this my journal.  

I wish he would have believed in himself the way I did, I wish he could have seen what I did.  And so often I also think of Benjamin Nunez, the man who's name is all over this blog if you do a search, but when I compare the two although I never fell deeply in love with the man from B5, or Wilferm (as he told me to name him on this blog) the way I loved Benjamin, I know the man in B5 would of become one of my great loves, because the connection I felt to him was out of this world, it was a spiritual one that I know even he felt, or maybe that whole story was all in my creative mind, and maybe it was just meant to be written.

Still, I am glad that today I went down memory lane, that today I was able to put my thoughts and feelings onto you my journal, for it has been to long my lovely! and while I don't know  when the words will flow again, I can assure you that once again soon they will! because there is much more to live and write.

Good night.

I leave you with the song that made me go down memory lane..........
Mirrors 
By: Justin Timberlake