Scared Shitless!

"An unexamined life, is not worth living" ~ Socrates

Dear journal -

In a little over a month, I turn 50 years old! OH MY! I feel like for the last year, I've been preparing for this day to come, like I literally felt like I was already 50 all year long! that's HALF A FUCKING CENTURY! I don't give a shit what anyone says to me about how I should feel, it is a really scary time for me right now! Like I said, I've been preparing for this the whole year.  

When I turned 45 it was kind of the same thing, I was really scared I felt weird and it just felt like something wasn't right, like the number didn't fit me.  My current ex, who is 20 years younger than I am, told me that he had a surprise for me, because I had told him that I almost didn't want to do  anything for my bday. So, what did my ex man do you ask? well, he made me a "surprise party!" now he knew that I liked going out to the bars, so my surprise was really that he invited all his twenty something year old friends to come out and celebrate my bday with me! I miss him! neither him or his friends EVER made a comment or acted weird or made me feel anything less than Chinos girl (that's not his real name) they al ways treated me pretty awesome or at least the ones that weren't in the side lines hating hard as fuck, because he didn't give two fucks what my age was! 

I had such a great 45 bday, he made me feel so happy and his friends were super cool! We just had a great time at the bars that night, something he hated doing! He never liked going out, but would always be like, baby, if you want to go, then go! I always knew who our haters were and they were usually women, in particular, there was this one woman that I knew had a thing for my man, I never ever felt insecure in my relationship as far as the females that he was surrounded by, because I knew I made him really happy, but there was this one time that he and I had broken up, and that same woman, said something like, well she's old anyway or something to that affect and my Chino went OFF ON THAT BITCH! when we got back together and he told me this, he also apologized to me, because I had told him, I could tell she would always hate on us and on our relationship.  He finally saw that what I would tell him about the people he called friends, was true.  Coincidentally, when he and I broke up this time and he changed his profile picture the a picture of him and his new maybe wife now? guess who hearted the picture? yup the same hating ass bitch, that I swear journal I try not to be ghetto anymore, but if I ever bump into that woman again, I might not be able to control my younger self who would not take shit from ANYONE and held her tongue for so long because "I won't stoop that low" so if I do see her, I hope for her sake, that she doesn't catch me on a wrong day!

I did not come on my journal today to reminisce on a love that I was knew or on the haters that have crossed my path though, I do often tend to get off topic when I'm writing to you journal! What I was saying journal is that this is a big deal because turning this age really makes you think of your life and be like, what the fuck have I done with it? sometimes I feel like I've accomplished so much and others, I'm like fuck! I haven't done shit! My mother who is an amazing woman and who I am blessed to still have, is planning the best birthday party ever for me! I am so excited to be celebrating although I'm also scared! 

My mom is on point with the party planning, she's so excited about it, almost more than I am.  I am going to celebrate my birthday in Colombia and I told her that what I want people to bring me as gifts is food, like uncooked food, like rice, beans, grains anything that I can donate to the elderly home in my town.  I thought it would be appropriate to celebrate this birthday there, because I was born there and I have only celebrated birthdays 1-6 there and then when I turned 15 I also got to celebrate my bday there and it wasn't like a big quinceañera which is the traditional age that is celebrated in my culture.  My birthday present was actually the ticket to go to Colombia, but while I was there my grandmother threw me a pretty awesome party!  Back then and probably the only time in my life that I have been with anyone older than me, my boyfriend who was at the time 25, sent me a bouquet of flowers and all sorts of gifts, he was back in NY and obviously couldn't make it to my party, but since he was already a grown man and he had a pretty bad ass job at the time, I got super spoiled by him! He went on to break my heart and married a woman that was 10 years older than him! go figure!

So, I am scared maybe because it's a big number, maybe because I've done nothing at all with my life, maybe because I don't have my ex to make me feel ok about it, maybe because I feel insecure about how I should act or who I should be by now, maybe I just don't want to accept that I'm aging or that my death is closer, or that my kids are no longer kids, it's so much that I can't quite pin point it, but, I do know that I will also get through this like I get through everything I have in my life time and the one thing I really do want, is to age with grace, to feel ok with it all, to accept who I am and who I've become, to continue to live my life without fear or reservations, to stop judging myself and not paying attention to what anyone has to say about me, my life choices etc.  it's really hard though and I struggle with all of it! but, there are a lot of wonderful things happening in my life so I want to end this journal entry with this...................

Dear universe and God, thank you for all my blessings! I'm sorry for being ungrateful and sometimes feeling sorry for myself.  I realize that I am a very lucky and blessed human that has so many amazing people in my life.  Thank you universe for my health, my family, my friends, my career and most of all, thank you for my kids and their health and the lives that they are living, I see so much hurt all around me all the time, the families that allow me into their lives everyday that struggle with so much more than I can ever imagine.  Give me the strength to be the rock that they need so that I can help them help themselves and thank you for another year of life! I am eternally grateful for all the love that I am lucky enough to have in my life..... Amen!

I will leave you with.... Leonardo DaVinci's Beautiful Angel!