Dear Journal -
I really want to stick to my weekly journal posts, my blog has been getting more views and I love that! I really really wish that I got more female followers, I started writing this blog wanting it to be directed at women, but I think I get more males reading my journal than females and I don't know this because the stats tell me so, I think this because since I've been "soliciting" om Tinder, I've gotten a lot of new FB page likes, and they are all from males. I need to start looking for women sites where I can post my blog link. I hope that someone can read something on here that resonates with them or that makes them feel like.... OH WOW, that happens to me too! the point of my journal is not really to tell my story, it's more so to tell others that we are all sort of kind of the same and we all go through shit and it's ok, that's life!
Speaking of Tinder, the other day my friend sent me a screen shot of this woman going off on him because he had emailed her and his message simply said "cream pie?" so, the woman went off on him and he writes back to her and is like... What, you don't like cream pies? HA! he's so silly! we constantly laugh about Tinder shenanigan's because most of the time it's so ridiculous on that site. Anyway, I wasn't even sure what "cream pie" was, I thought it had a completely different meaning than it does, which was hilarious! I told my friend what I thought it meant and he sent me the right "definition" and I was like OMG! I can't believe at my age I don't know such things!
I get the impression that sometimes people think that I'm like this I don't know, like, sexual person who is constantly ready to bang anything that moves or constantly getting laid, and that is so far from the truth. I don't want to write too much about my sexuality until I write my book, but I'm going to say this; yes of course I love to have sex, who doesn't? however, to me, sex is more about quality not quantity. Lately, having sex is like this HUGE task for it to happen in my life that I decided to shut my sexuality down so I literally just try not to think about anyone or anything related to sex. I've done this before in my life and when I do, life is just easier. Celibacy is good for ones soul, I'm pretty much done trying to "have a sex partner."
When my ex and I broke up it was really hard for me at first no longer having a consistent sex partner and for a long time that's what I was looking for, I just wanted someone who respects me and vice versa, but that is always almost harder than trying to find a boyfriend, wtf! you would think sex is simple, but it never is. During the summer I would be like, I almost just want a boyfriend so I don't have to like "find" someone to have as a sex partner, because doing that has been a fucking shit show, not the first time in my life I've been in this situation, it always goes down this way, mainly because people are not clear with their intentions or they lead you on and or emotions get involved, it's just never easy. So for now, farewell sex, till we meet again!
Anyway, I wanted to write today about a subject that I have been thinking about writing for a very long time but I never get around to. To be honest writing about it causes me a little bit of anxiety, but I think it is something that needs to be on my journal because well, not to long ago I did something that after I did it, I felt shitty for doing it. Basically I went off on someone and "told him about himself" because I felt really hurt by this person and he did something to me that just really pushed my buttons and then the next thing you know I was being verbally abusive to him. No, I did not curse at him, I just said really mean things that while they were probably true, it was the way I said them that was really shitty.
After the fact, he never responded to me again, or he did but then I responded back and then I don't know what happened or I guess I do know what happened I was well, verbally abusive and told him I no longer wanted to be friends with him, so instead of us talking about all of this like two adults, he started to ignore me which then made me feel like in the end, I was the "bad guy" when in reality, I had went off because of his behavior toward me. After, I was thinking about the whole situation and how he and I have behaved toward each other and that's what made me start thinking about the cycle of abuse. especially because this was not the first time that things between him and I had went down this way. Since I've known him, it's always been the same story, he does something shitty, I go off and he stops talking to me for whatever amount of time. He comes back around, we start hanging out again and the cycle repeats itself. While he and I are not in an intimate relationship or dating or anything like that, our for la ack of a better term "friendship" usually ends in me saying mean shit and me being the "bad guy."
I worked in domestic violence for 3 years of my life, I always try to check myself in situations that feel weird like that. It feels like a "cycle of abuse" because I'm verbally abusive to him and he is mentally abusive toward me. Why do you ask? well, ignoring someone is a form of abuse even if people don't want to accept or admit that it is. When you ignore someone, you are leaving that person to wonder and think and try and figure out what happened? and while to me, someone not saying anything is everything, that is not the case with everyone. I also do understand that some people shut down when they don't like the way they are being treated, but shutting down for a day or two is very different than completely ignoring someone after an incident between the two. With regard to this person, after I realized that what I did was really shitty, I felt like I needed to apologize which in turn almost made it seem like he did nothing wrong and I was a bitch and when he ignored me, I realized that whatever he does to me, just shows me his level of maturity and confirms that maybe my idea about who he is as a person is true. Regardless, what I never understand is why aren't people mature enough to just tell you how they feel about something you did to them and vice-versa. I believe all people are abusive to a certain extent, I become a vicious bitch when I feel disrespected in some way, when someone hurts me or I feel used. But is this really abuse or is it bad communication?
There are many forms of domestic violence, I worked with intimate partner violence. I would have to do phone screenings of people that were homeless due to domestic violence, I say people because the shelter I worked for, took in men and women. I would have to screen the callers, to figure out if they were eligible to stay at the shelter, based on what the caller was telling me. While that was really hard to do, the main thing I would always have to remember was, is this persons intimate partner, having "power and control" over this person calling for help.
Most times, I would hear stories such as the one I just wrote with regards to this person that has been in my life and I've been "abusive" to and vice versa. I would hear women/men say, he/she ignores me, he/she leaves all upset and doesn't talk to me for days, he/she curses me out and talks to other people about me, this person shoved me the other day while we were having an argument. While all those examples are examples of abusive behavior, that is not having power and control over an intimate partner.
Power and control is when you literally have fear of doing something because the person you are with will be so upset that they will physically harm you, won't let you out of your house, makes you cut communication with your loved ones, you are no longer allowed to have friends, this person has access to all your personal information where you don't have your own privacy, when you are out with this person this person is watching you like a hawk to see what you are looking at and there is a fear for your life, your well being, you are gaslighted which basically means that this person makes you question everything about yourself and your actions and they blame you for everything and call you crazy and you start to question if you really are making any sense. Domestic violence is not only between intimate partners, domestic violence can be between parents and kids, others in the family etc. But basically, true domestic violence is someone else having power and control over you.
In the US, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner.
If you need help because you read this post and you feel that you are in an abusive relationship, please get help. You are NOT alone.
Call - 1-800-799-7233 or Website - National Domestic Violence page - https://ncadv.org/get-help
Heavy topic! I will leave you with........ Frozen - Madonna
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