The secret crush!

 Dear Journal -

Hi! Can I just say that I've been thinking a whole lot about you as of late? I sure have! I always think about what I need to write to you about next, and I mentally prepare my journal entry and think it through and then when I finally get to it, it never quite comes through the way I intended! So, on 12/22/21 you turned 11 years old journal! 11! wow! that's a long time ago! I never imagined 11 years ago that I would still have you or would still be telling my story to you and I definitely never thought that I would sort of be re-living certain situations! sometimes, my life feels like deja vu! It feels that way sometimes because no matter how old you are, if you are single, the same games are being played just different players are involved.  So, that is why journal I decided to be just like I was 11  years ago, I decided to do what I am really good at, which is "turning off my humanity" let me explain!

One of my favorite shows is the vampire diaries, I randomly will watch an episode and be like.... OH SHIT! I forgot about that! I absolutely LOVE vampires! their passion, their desires, their immortality! sure, we all typically live most of our lives in some sort of emotional chaos in my opinion and that is what being a vampire is like! so MANY EMOTIONS! in the show, when a vampire "turns off their humanity" what they basically do, is just shut down! so instead of their feelings being heightened, they tap into their "beast side" and become ruthless! That's what I've done lately! not really the ruthless part, mainly just letting go of things that hurt me and just pretty much shutting down.  I have absolutely NO desire to care for anyone and this is all inclusive family, friends and to be completely honest, not even my children!

I know this all sounds pretty fucked up, but I had to do this for my self love, I had to really take a look at people's roles in my life and consider, what if any, value or let me not use the term value as every human is valuable, but just what exactly I was giving and what exactly I was getting and if I was giving more, then why was I doing that? again, this includes my kids. Why do you ask I did this journal? well, when I think of me and my self love, I wonder, how can I love myself if I'm allowing others to walk all over me? How can I take care of my health and mental well being, if I let people treat me how ever they feel like it and why do I feel like these obligations to people when in reality no ONE, not even my children do anything for me? what about Jazzy? So when I shut down all of a sudden everything became very clear to me and I started to really take control of my life, including my work life which was taking a HUGE toll on me, I had to really think through what was important and what were my true obligations and that's how I shut down my humanity, I became a little selfish and a lot of peaceful!

I've been feeling really really good lately! I feel this sense of inner peace and freedom! I talk to those who I feel are people that truly care for me and that have  been there when I've needed someone to just hear me out, or when I needed to cry or when I needed to vent, there is less than a handful of people I can truly say I count on! As far as my kids, I had a conversation with them each and told them how I felt and the role they played in it all and well the only one that doesn't get it and I don't intend that she will for many years to come, is my teenage daughter, whom is really the ONLY one I still have an obligation to.  Other than that, I am on my own and I'm ok with that, because I rather be alone than in bad company or company that is not really serving my soul.

So, why the secret crush title you ask journal? well, this little tiny story that I'm about to tell you started around 6 years ago when I used to work at the shelter.  Part of my role there was to attend court some Monday's to pick up protection orders that were usually given out to victims of domestic violence.  Everyone at the shelter would always bitch and complain about the judge that was there weekly, but me on the other hand, when I firs saw him I was like.... WELL HELLO JUDGE! I thought he was sort of handsome, but mainly I was in awe about just the fact that he had all this power over everyone in his court room, basically, I was crushing over his power! because let's be honest here journal, what woman doesn't want a man in power? I've always had a thing for men in power, I don't know, it's something about well, their power that turns me on I guess! so, whenever someone would talk about this said judge, the sentence to follow would be like, XYZ, Jazzy's man! I have absolutely NO IDEA at which point he became "my man" but I wasn't going to complain about that comment, who am I to be upset about him being my man? fuck yea he was "my man" in my dreams! HA! truly though, I never like lusted over him, like I never sat around and imagined myself rolling around a bed with him, it wasn't that sort of crush, it was more so well... he was a man in power!

I eventually left that position moved to Oregon lived my life never ever again remembered the "Jazzy's man story" until I started my new position! so fast forward to summer of 2020, I start my new position and I'm told that as part of my role, I have to attend court, I'm like oh cool, I used to do that before, I'm also told I will be attending weekly meetings with one of the judges from the court so I'm like oh cool! so, I am ready to take notes for my very first meeting with said judge and when he comes on the call "it was virtual due to covid" my mouth drops and I'm like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! it's HIM! "MY MAN!" I automatically blushed even though there was not one soul in the room with me, just me in my living room on this call, so I same time my co-worker and tell her about this story and she's like OMG that is so hilarious! Needless to say word gets out on my team that well, he's "MY MAN" and the joke starts all over again, however, this time things are way different, I find out that he's happily married and I hear all these great things about him, so now I'm like WOW! not ONLY is he a "man in power" but in "real life" he's freaking awesome! now I'm sitting in these weekly meetings with him scared to death to open my mouth and when I have to speak I'm so freaking scared and feel so awkward, this man makes me feel like NO OTHER MAN DOES! but it's not sexual it's more like admiration or I don't know, the fact that "HE HAS POWER!" it's pretty insane! 

Then, the jokes with co-workers start and again I don't mind, you can call him my man all you want, we joke about how we think he "secretly says little things that are directed at me" which in reality he NEVER DOES! but, I have to communicate with him ore often, I have to write him letters and one day he sends me a message asking me for a reference, which that's all I'll say about that but I'm like holy shit this is so crazy! then the "crush" starts to fade and now I think of him more so with admiration because he truly cares about the community he serves and is so extremely smart and caring and really funny! and finally I tell people well I did used to "crush" on him, but now I just love him he's awesome!

But, the reason why I wanted to write this post was because something really awesome happened a few weeks ago that made me feel really good! So we are at court, he usually confuses me for moms, or someone else, he's constantly apologizing for doing so, but a few weeks ago, he's talking about an issue and then he says my name!!! MY REAL NAME! and I was like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! he knows me now! ok, I'm sorry! but hell yes I'm happy about that! this means that he admires my work, that he values my work and that he knows my role.  He knows all the people on my team so for him to finally know me meant a great deal to me.  I was super touched and I may have blushed under my mask and after I messaged my co-worker and said... YOU SEE! he loves me too! hahahahaha..... 

Journal, I believe that it's good to have something to laugh about even if sometimes you are the "butt" of the joke! one day, when I leave my role, I will likely send him this post, because I want him to know how much admiration I've had for him for all these years! 

I'll leave you with.... The Jets - Crush on you!