Friends or Benefits?

 Dear journal -

I feel like I have so much to say but nothing at all at the same time! It's been an interesting last few weeks in my life, I feel very disconnected from people and I also feel very connected to a few people, it's been interesting to sort of figure out who means something to me, who cares about me and who was just passing through.  I realize that people come and go from our lives and my whole life I've been very social and know so many people, but I don't really get close to many, my circle is very tiny and it mainly consists of people I've known for many many years.  My dearest friends are far away, yet they mean the world to me.  Time and time again when I've needed them it's literally only been a txt, email or phone call away and there they are ready to be there for me, I feel really loved by some people I genuinely do, It's a blessing to know that there are people out there that really genuinely care about you.

Tonight I want to write about my friend D! he's become someone very special to me in the weirdest way ever! some days, I am confused about my feelings for him, because they go from romantic to platonic all the time! sometimes I get mad at myself for ever even considering romantic feelings for him, but then he will do something that is so special that I'm like, well.... How can you blame a girl? sure, I blame those sometimes romantic feelings to the fact that there are days that I yearn that closeness to the opposite sex, but mainly I think that just the fact that we have spent the last 4 months getting to know each other as friends, has really given me a sense of like, I guess, for a lack of better term, a feeling of... OH! why did I ever rush this when it could have turned into something and now it's nothing and it will likely never be nothing but I don't feel a connection to him I just feel close to him! does that even make sense? like I literally send him screenshots of conversations I have with men on dating sites and he tells me about women he talks to or whatever and there have been a few times that I've found myself feeling a little jealous but the truth is while I am attracted to him and we've been intimate a few times, I rather have him in my life as a friend, then not have him in my life at all. He is slowly becoming my new man best friend sort of! it's soooo weird, I just don't have any other explanation for it.  

Anyway, one of the reasons why I've become so close to him and love him as a friend is because not to long ago I was going through something really really hard and I had messaged him a video and as I was making the video, I starting crying in the video and during the rest of that day, he kept checking up on me and trying to make me laugh and telling me it was going to be ok and that day, I decided that I rather have him as my friend and never ever again sleep with him again if that meant I would loose him! not that he's like ever trying to sleep with me or anything like that, but we have, but that's not what we share, it's bigger than that, it's true and real and sincere and I love him so much! 

Then there are those that you feel this incredible connection too, that whenever you are close to them you can't seem to get enough of them, the one that you miss and yearn for, the one that you think about all the time, the one that the moment you saw him there was no denying that the chemistry was like no other and then, that same person, let's you down time and time again and they claim to be your friend, but in reality, they aren't really in your life, they are just there for their own purpose, for their needs only and those are the men, that I want to stay away from, the ones that play with you because they can, because they know some way some how, they have an affect on you, they lead you on because they can and they do.  But in the end, who's loosing out? is it really me? how am I loosing something I've never had? Being in a room for moments that feel completely happy, being in a house that just being there is all you need to be contempt, leaving a house and knowing that once you leave, you mean nothing.  Once you step out the door, you don't exist until next time.  Connection, or just merely attraction?

I'm not making much sense but I want to put this on my journal because most often than not, since I have a nasty temper I will say shitty things that in the end, I am the "bad guy" but if someone has apologized to you about their behavior toward you numerous times, then who is at fault here, is it me for guarding myself and getting angry and saying mean things, or is it the person that pushed your limits to make you say such things, the one to blame? If I say mean things to someone, they must have hurt me, pretty darn bad, because for the most part, I don't do that to people, I only turn into a vicious bitch, when I feel that someone is disrespecting me or using me or playing with me as if I'm some dumb bitch, that doesn't deserve a little bit of love and a lot of respect!

So, I had a dream about Benjamin Nunez last night! HOLY SHIT!!! that was sooo crazy journal! like I literally don't think about Benjamin ever really! I don't even visit his FB page anymore.  Also, I don't dream often or well, everyone dreams daily but I don't remember my dreams, so this morning I woke up and I was like.........WOW! that felt so real! I meant to write this post earlier and couldn't and now I can't remember what the dream was about, but it was crazy that I had such a vivid dream with him.  

In other Jazzy news, I am currently matched with 947 men on tinder! what the actual fuck! that seems to be all the available men in CO from the ages of 32-52 ha! yea, I mean not all of them message me of course and I never ever message anyone, but I've had some fun with people that message me and I have zero interest in anyone at the moment which feels AMAZING! like I just feel really great about my single life right now! I'm feeling like the old single me! I remember I used to cry some nights when things were going really bad with my ex and I would think, I miss being single so bad! I was good at being single, I suck at being in a relationship! I would often tell him, that I wasn't the relationship type and he was and how I could guarantee that we would break up and he would be in a serious relationship right away and who knows if I would ever do that shit again, and sure enough, here I am doing my damn single thing, and re-learning how to be single, it's so much fun! 

I think the only way I would be in a relationship is if things just like, evolved into that or I don't know, the person and I just felt that strong bond almost instantly! you know, like you are with that person and when you spend time together it just feel perfect, it just feel right and not just to one person but to both of us and there is no fear because it's just magic! and I know that magic isn't real, but you ever spend time with someone and the time goes by so fast and it feels so good when they are around and when they aren't you think of them and you don't fear sending a message and they don't fear sending a message because you know the other person is there with you? that, to me is real and legit and not scary and if it doesn't play out that way..... it's not meant to be and you just have fun in the moment and live your life! no expectations, just living!

I think I will be going to Vegas for New Years! I can't wait, I have not had a great New Years in YEARS! this year, I'm planning on ending it with a bang! and I don't know if I will get you know "banged" as that is not the reason why I'm going to Vegas, but you never know journal, cause you know what they say......... WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS....STAYS IN VEGAS!!! ta ta journal!

I've been listening to so many old school songs lately, mainly because when I am sad and going through a lot of things, I find a time where I was happy and listen to the music that brings me back there because being here is too painful! so I will leave you with......Mr. Telephone Man by New Edition.