THE ONE I LOVE!

I felt I needed to clarify something not only to myself, but to whomever reads my blogs and may sometimes feel confused about all the different men that I talk about or mention or tell a story of.  Many people play many roles in our lives, some touch us deeper then others obviously.  Day after day I live my life as best as I can, and like never before for the very first time, I try not to dwell on the past and or predict the future.  It is called trying to live in the moment a very difficult discipline that I may never fully understand or be able to apply to myself.  


However, as hard as it may be it isn't harder than not doing anything at all to try to move on from people who hurt me or were confused about me or were just not compatible or the circumstances didn't allow us to develop anything concrete or serious or special or whatever.


I know exactly who I LOVE though.  I know who I like, who I lust for, who I would run to, who makes me crazy or sad and so forth.  The other day I read an article on Psychology today, that spoke about the fact that it is completely normal to love two people at the same time.  I can honestly say, that now I feel better about the fact that about three years ago I was torn between two loves and I fought myself each day because I couldn't understand how I could feel these strong feelings for these two individuals.  The only thing was, that with one I was having some sort of a physical relationship with but with the other he was only well, my friend.  Three years have passed and I still love one very much as he is my best friend, but three years have also passed and I am fully sure now that I definitely loved one more then the other and that had he loved me back, I would probably be with him right now, because I LOVE HIM STILL! his name is Benjamin Nunez the man who I dedicated this blog too and the man who introduced me to the concept of living in the moment.  The man who made me want to be better! 


So, for anyone who ever comes across my blog who is confused about all these people I claim to care about, I will tell you this.  I have a great big heart and I can care about many many men.  However, I am ALWAYS as honest as I can be, because I will not play with anyones feelings.  In my heart though, there is only one true love that I try not to think of as much, because he has a girlfriend and is living his life and I am aware that by thinking of him I will only hurt myself.  I am learning how to live in this moment and in this moment I am typing on my laptop thinking about a love that never could be.  But that doesn't mean I can't still know in the depths of my heart that he is the one person that with all of my heart if he came right now to me I would run away with.  YES! I would disappear to never be seen again! that's how real it is! 


But, the true reality of my life once again without getting distracted by my active imagination is the fact that the only moment that's real is this one and my reality is he is not in my life and has not been in over three years, so I live and some days I remember him and tears roll down my face as they did this afternoon and I embrace that feeling live it and let it go and move forward.  That is all that I can do.  That is reality!


Sometimes we need to allow our feelings to resurface so that we can slowly heal.  It's important to embrace them, but not dwell on them like I once did.  In my heart there he is tucked away in a place that no one else can touch or take from me.  There he is the man that I love....his name is Benjamin.  Benjamin Nunez......THAT'S NOT HIS REAL NAME...... but if you search my blog, I guarantee you, that's the name you will find over and over again.


If you have never read my blog, then below is the link to the story about Benjamin.... the man I still LOVE!

http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html




ADELE - SOMEONE LIKE YOU...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TysCyqI4kY&feature=related

Dear Journal: 3-4-12 - Seeing him again.....

Dear Journal:


I am so busy that I have been neglecting you, but I promise that I think of you all the time.  My beautiful journal where I write my story.  I love it! I have been learning so many wonderful things lately that I have to say that everyday more and more I realize how lucky I am.  Studying psychology is so amazing, our minds are so wonderful.  I only hope that one day, I will be able to help people with what I am learning as that is my goal.


The truth is that my life has not been very eventful lately, it pretty much consists of me going to work, school and home.  I don't party I don't go out, but every now and then I will have a coffee date here and there.  I went on one tonight and had a very interesting conversation with a young man, yes, young because thats what I attract and the truth is, I don't care to admit anymore that I like them too.  The other day a man my age approached me and the only thing he did was piss me off real bad, what I have noticed for the most part is that no matter what age a man is, they are pretty much the same thing they all want one thing from me and well, lucky for me, I have the option to do whatever I want with that thing that belongs to me.  I go out and enjoy coffee and decide what I want, if I want and where I want.  I LOVE MY SINGLE LIFE! I have seriously learned to embrace it and honestly believe that being single really gives me the opportunity to meet all sorts of people it's pretty cool.


Something did happen this week that I must mention.  The other day I was on the train reading my book and I looked up and there he was, walking towards my direction.  When I saw him I felt sick like throwing up, I got nervous I blushed I felt butterflies It was a feeling that I couldn't control.  I wanted to laugh hide my face smile I just didn't know what to do.  Part of me wanted to crawl under something and disappear, but the other part of me wanted to go over to him and just catch up with my wonderful friend who I love.  The funny thing about it though was that I never thought that he still had that effect on me, I wasn't sure what to do and that is so unlike me, but whatever decision I would make in the next few minutes would change so many things.  I could walk out of that train and always wonder if he was still angry or confused about me, or I could take a chance talk to him and walk away crying again how I did a few months ago, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/10/journal-entry-10-27-11.html or I could take a chance and get my closure and know that he and I have both moved on and we can still say hello if we bump into each other.  


He didn't see me but ended up standing against the door right across from me, I was facing the door where I was standing but with my back to him, so he couldn't see my face.  For the next 20 minutes or so I decided that I was not going to talk to him so I began reading my book trying to just forget that he was there.  I kept mentally cursing him out telling myself that he was an asshole who hurt my feelings and I refused to talk to a jerk like him, but my heart kept telling me that the right thing to do, was to say hello to my friend that I often think of and miss, so when we finally got to the stop where we both go to college and the train was almost empty, I walked up to him and said hello.  With a smile he greeted me and the next few minutes, felt like the old two of us, I almost felt like he wanted to just sit and talk to me about all the things that have happened in his life the last few months and the truth is that if it wasn't because I had to go to class and so did he, I would of loved nothing more then to have sat with him and talked and talked and talked like we once did.  I had to control myself and tell myself that things had changed and that he was no longer my friend that I once shared so many secrets with.  I told him how I had just been thinking of him a few days before and called him an asshole and we both laughed.  God I love him! I miss my BK so much! but in my mind and in my heart I know that we can't even be friends anymore.  We finally got to the front of the building where my class is held and I had to say goodbye, I felt so sad that I had to say goodbye and walk away as if he were some stranger that I just bumped into and was catching up with.  I walked into the building and pouted all the way up to my class and the whole time I kept thinking...... Life is so unfair!


At the end of the day at least I can say, I LIVED THE EXPERIENCE! I know what it felt like and I have no regrets! He will always hold a special place in my heart and now I know, that if we ever bump into each other again..... WE ARE COOL!


When I wrote that last phrase, I thought of one of my favorite songs ever! Not really related to him and I as we were never in a relationship http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/dear-bk.html but I really love this song.....


PLEASE ENJOY!


GWEN STEFANI - COOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGwZ7MNtBFU

Stop and Listen......Listening Journal - 10-2011

I want to put this on my blog because it's something that I used to do for my music class last semester that was sort of relevant to something I used to do at the School of Practical Philosophy when I was attending the classes.  God I sure do miss going there! 


My music professor asked us to write a listening journal, he wanted us to pay attention to sounds.  At the School of Practical Philosophy however, they use this sort of thing as a way to calm down or to take a few minutes just to get back into the moment and sort of just be present.  I think it's a most excellent idea and do it from time to time when I feel like my mind is racing or I feel like I am anxious or sad or to out of control with my feelings and need to just get back to the present and realize that no matter what is going on in my life, the only thing I have real control over is this very moment.  Hard as it may be, it's a reality that we all need to come to terms with, and when we learn these little tricks and realities of life, we become more in tuned with life and all the wonderful magnificent things around us.  


I wrote the journal below to give to my Professor, he gave me full credit so I figured he must of enjoyed reading it, or maybe he didn't read it at all, but I most certainly enjoyed writing it and hope that he or she who comes across this post, will enjoy it as well.  PAY ATTENTION TO THIS MOMENT, THE ONLY ONE THAT COUNTS!

Listening Journal - Sunday, October 9, 2011


It was about 10:00 am.  I was sitting in a hotel room in Costa Rica, because I was taking my 40^th birthday vacation getaway.  I was staying very close to the beach, so at one point I was listening to the sound of the water, and immediately remembered my assignment.

Instead of closing the windows to the room, I opened them and the screen doors as well, I wanted to be able to listen to all the different sounds.  I heard the waves in the background, the sound of the ocean was soothing.  It was a woooshhhhh woshhhhh woooshhhhh sound.  It appeared that the howling of the wind and the beach woooshhhh were joining together in harmony.  It was peaceful.  

In addition to hearing the sounds of the waves and the wind come together as one, I also heard a squirrel chucking away at a coconut.  It sounded like a scraping noise, scraping of  teeth against something squeaky.  In addition to the sound of the squirrel there were also the various bird sounds.  The birds sang in unison.  Sometimes however, it sounded like a call and response, one bird would sing, the next would answer it was so beautiful, paying attention to natures beautiful sounds.  

After a few moments I was lost in the sounds that surrounded me and I closed my eyes, I was so overwhelmed I felt serene.   Across from my hotel room that was on the ground floor was also a home made basketball court the locals had made on their back yard where they could enjoy a basketball game.  There were some small children playing with the ball so I could hear the banging of the ball to the floor and the sound of the kids chatting.  It was really cool stopping for a few minutes and just taking in all the magnificent sounds, sometimes you just have to stop and listen.

******************************************************

That was my journal for class.  Sometimes in life, when we take time out to notice, we will be overwhelmed by the beauty that is all around us... PLEASE STOP AND LISTEN SOMETIMES, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT! Below is a little IPhone video I made of the little squirrel on the tree.... Just lovely!

THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND OUR JUDGEMENTS

A few years ago, I was seeing someone who I thought I might consider having a relationship with and one day we start talking about what we both were looking for as far as a signifiant other, and to my surprise he turns around and tells me that he would never consider being in a serious relationship with me, because I was a "party girl"... His exact words were, I know your "type" you like to party and play around with men all you care about is partying, I would never be with you! When he said that to me, I was in disbelief that I was hearing these words coming out of his mouth, after all I was about 37 then so it wasn't like I was some young party girl who's life revolved around a dance club like it did when I was in my 20's.  I was very upset about it, not because he didn't want to be with me, but because that "label" has followed me around all of my life.  Him along with many many other people, have often judged me to be a "party girl" based on the fact that I enjoy being social, I love to dance and I like to go out dancing sometimes (although lately I don't enjoy it as much, I believe that's called getting old?) My initial thought to his judgement was pretty much, FUCK YOU! You don't know shit about me!

Fast forward a few years and here I am learning Social Psychology and WAAALLLLAAAA! there it was, the reason
why this idiot lost out on a wonderful woman! turns out, that we base most of our judgements on preconceived ideas we have stored in our long term memories or information we have stored in our minds about certain things.  In order for us to rationalize anything in our minds, we make up little stories of things that make sense to us in our own minds, later in order to make decisions we call back those ideas that we have already built in our minds and have store in our memory and base new ideas and information by using those ideas to help us make judgements.  It is wayyyy more complex then that of course, but that is the gist of it.  


So, Jazzy is a "party girl" because people who enjoy to socialize, listen to music and dance are "party people" by having this preconceived idea stored in our memory whenever we meet someone who enjoys those things we automatically judge them to be a certain way, if those things to us are things we don't enjoy or if those things bring us bad memories of someone that we were with and had a bad experience with based on those similarities, we will judge the individual according to the stored information in our minds.  This process goes on in our minds automatically it is a natural mental process.  


The worst part is, that because we all have all these preconceived ideas in our minds or these pictures we have built through out our lives, it makes it difficult to change our ideas about an individual, after we have made the judgment.  It is only by allowing ourselves to get to know the person deeper, that we may actually change our mind, by constructing in our memories new ideas based on what we are learning about the individual.  But think about it, if you already have these preconceived judgements that are stored in our memories and these ideas that we have about each type of individual that we meet, then clearly it is difficult to give people a chance because you already think you know what you like or don't like.  We not only use these ideas for people we want to have a romantic relationship with, it works the same for  forming friendships and working relationships.

Holly fucking shit! our minds our just FACINATING! and if we allow it, our mind can control our happiness.  The more I learn about our magnificent minds, the more I understand people and the more I want to learn.  I feel bad, because it's almost not our fault.  It is only through learning and opening up our minds that we will enable ourselves to give each individual that we meet a fair chance even after we have made our initial judgement, that we may completely be wrong about.  


How many times in your life have you said "I had you all wrong?" think about it, this is why we cannot allow our minds to control us, but rather we need to be in control of our own thoughts.  Our brains work in very specific ways in order for us to perform, yet by knowing these things we can try to change the way we view people and the world around us.  Perceiving each person with an open mind and not allowing our preconceived judgements to impair us from forming lasting relationships.  Each person is different then the next.

Had this man given me a fair chance who knows, he might have had the opportunity to have been with a pretty cool woman! or at least that's what I think, but then again maybe not because I can be a real bitch sometimes.

Oh well! Its ok, things happen life goes on.  Besides, EVERYBODY KNOWS, that I am nothing but a party girl drunk! and that is pretty much all there is to me!

Dear Journal..... The best day ever!

Dear Journal -


Yesterday I spent five hours with my best friend...... God how I've missed him! it felt more like an hour and when it was time to go, we both kept saying that time goes by fast when you are having fun.  I cried all afternoon after that, God I've missed my best friend! I had not seen him in three years and as I write this journal entry, I can't stop crying because I do not know when my eyes will have the pleasure again...


I love you so much! you are my truest best friend in the whole world! I HAD THE BEST DAY EVER! this only happens, when I'm with you!


Oh by the way, if you want to know who my best friend is you can click on the link below and find out.  I was with my best friend that I miss so much.....

http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-sex-drugs.html

Amor De Lejos - Baby Rasta & Gringo Ft Yomo

Amor de lejos..... Felices los cuatro.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ex3V7z-D_kU


Amor de lejos - Baby Rasta & Gringo

FEBRUARY 14, 2012 - VALENTINES DAY proposal.....

Valentines Day in my opinion is over rated, just as all other holidays are.  I'm not really big on holidays, I'm a bit hum bugged about Christmas, I don't believe in the easter bunny, and for the last few years, Valentines day has been to me, just another day to tell my friends and family, how important and meaningful they are to me.  I have always said, that if someone loves me, they need to show that to me all the time in a random manner, not wait until Valentines day to give me flowers.  I also always tell my kids, that mothers day should be everyday, still, I don't like to be a party pooper and I try to smile and be pleasant on holidays, regardless of my thought that they are just days for businesses to make extra money.


Today, I have to honestly say, that I got the very best Valentines day gift ever.  I have gotten many gifts through out the years on Valentines day, I was even proposed to on a Valentines day years ago by my then husband, but for some reason, that proposal didn't feel as meaningful as the gift that I got today.   I was proposed to, by the person who I was already married too at the time, he was my husband already but he proposed to me, because I kept bitching that he had never proposed to me or given me an engagement ring.  I remember honestly, that on that Valentines day when he proposed to me, my girlfriend seemed more excited about the proposal then I did, I wasn't expecting that from him, but for some reason I wasn't very excited about the whole thing.  I think it would have meant more if he would of chosen another random day to propose, because then it would of meant that he wanted to propose to me to make me happy and not because he had to have a special gift for me because it was Valentines day and it's a day that we expect certain things.  Usually, I would always tell my significant other, that I didn't want a gift.  I guess I'm a little ungrateful, but honestly, I'm the type of person that I like to express my love to someone on random occasions for random reasons, it's just more meaningful to me that way.


That Valentines day, I was proposed to and I got a diamond ring from the man I was already married too, but to me, it wasn't a meaningful gesture, I just felt like he did it because I kept bitching about it.  I don't ever again want to get anything from anyone, because I am asking for it, when someone loves you in my opinion, they bring home flowers or chocolate, just because throughout the day they thought about you and wanted to show you so.  


Today I received a wonderful Valentines day gift and I do not want to share what it was, because I am not fully ready to talk about certain things about my life.  But I have to admit that the gift I got, is awesome and has no dollar value, but is more valuable then diamond rings or materialistic gifts, what can I say, I am a simple girl and don't require much to be happy.  I always say, that it is the little gestures that count.


HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ANYONE WHO COMES ACROSS THIS POST!


Whitney Houston - One moment in time......


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27Lf9gEioxI

Dear Journal: 02-08-12 - STRONGER!

Please note: I wrote this journal on February 8th on my IPhone, on the train ride home from work.  I find ways to keep writing no matter how busy my life and schedule gets, because I want to stay true to my Journal and I want this to be an accurate account of my life that I choose to share with the world in hopes that someone else will read it and realize that... I am crazy too! and that it is ok if maybe you think that you may be as well, because we all struggle in this game called life.  I also want to be able to look back at these pages and recall moments of my life that were difficult, good, bad, ugly because as Dan Millman says, there are absolutely "No Ordinary Moments" and I am learning that he is completely right!.... 




Dear Journal:

I am so excited I can barely stand still.  Tomorrow at this time I will be in my beautiful land of Colombia.  I can not wait! I'm so excited to see my grandmother who is my second mother and I absolutely love to death! I can't wait to see my people and hear all their stories of how they have been since I saw them last almost 3 years ago.

3 Years WOW! When I think of the woman that I was then, and the woman that I am now, I see this huge difference, I barely know that Jazzy anymore I've changed so much.

When I was there last time, I didn't have a stable job, I was going through a lot of mental and emotional turmoil.  In other words, the last time I was there, I was a hot mess! So much has changed since then.  I feel so much better about so many things, but the most notable thing that I can think of, is the fact that I am free from him, that man that once told me that in his opinion, people only traveled to get away from their problems or something like that.  At that time, I agreed with him because I was madly in love and for some stupid reason, everything he said made sense to me.  Of course I do remember telling him why I didn't completely agree, but for the most part I think there was some sense to what he was saying.  At that time in my life, I was definitely traveling to get my mind off of my problems, but what I noticed during those trips, was that no matter where I went, I took my mind and heart with me, and so being away from home, didn't change the unhappiness I felt in my heart and the thoughts that ran through my mind.

This time, I am happy to report that no matter where I go or what I'm going through, I am a pretty happy camper and that going to visit my family makes me ecstatic! I can't wait to wrap my arms around my beautiful grandmother!

While I'm there, I plan on studying because I am taking my books.  I plan on spending quality time with my family and friends, I plan on going jogging and swimming and yes, I will probably drink some beer, the last time I went I was so miserable and unhappy, I didn't even party, that's just plain crazy!

So yes! I am taking my heart and mind with me on this trip, as no matter where I go, they are part of me, but my heart and mind feel A-OK!


God I am so lucky and everyday I thank God and the universe, for helping me through tough difficult times.  You know what they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!


Stronger - Britney Spears..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJWtLf4-WWs

AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN.

I was initially going to go on my blog that I feel I have neglected lately and write a journal entry and talk about my day the fact that I just got home from my abnormal psychology class and how awesome and amazing the human mind is and then all of a sudden, for some crazy no reason at all, I thought about him..... My once mental love affair with a married man!


Do you know what a mental lover is? I am not sure if all women are as crazy as I am, but I have to tell you this story, because it is quite interesting.  One day I was in a lunch room and I was walking towards my girlfriends who were all gathered having lunch at a corner table, it so happened that at the table next to them, sat a group of gentlemen that were also having lunch, as I was walking towards my friends looking at them and smiling, it was pointed out to me when I sat down by one of my girlfriends, that the whole table full of men that were next to them, had followed me with their eyes as I made my way to them, I of course noticed it as well, but I wasn't very concerned with their stares, actually, I was kind of nervous because one of them caught my attention immediately when I saw him.  The one with the big green eyes sitting at the corner of the table where he sat.


The reason why I noticed him, was one, because he had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen and two, because out of all the men sitting on that table, he was the one who I made eye contact with and found the most attractive.  I gave him "the look" which is basically that look we women give a man when we feel the same interest in them as they do for us, you know that look right?


Anyway, when I sat down and my friend told me how they (the men in the other table) had all followed me with their eyes, I found it completely funny and told her that I liked the one with the green eyes, because he was HOT! later on that same month, I had the pleasure to become acquainted with all the gentleman that were sitting on that table, they all became my friends but the green eyed guy and I had a very special connection, he stood out to me more then all the rest.  One day, I was talking to someone who knew him and I asked her very casually, if he had a girlfriend, when I asked her that, she said girlfriend? no girl, he's married! when I heard those words I thought to myself "of course he is!" but he didn't wear a ring, so I wouldn't have known it.  By then of course, it was too late to not allow myself to feel the attraction that I already felt for him. 

After finding out this very important piece of information, I told myself that I needed to forget this individual immediately if not sooner, for starters, I would never do to another woman what I would not want to be done to me, I have respect for others and I would not partake in any sort of activity with a married man, the thing though was, that nothing at all was happening, yet he and I did have this strange connection a connection we both could not describe or control.  We were already involved in a mental love affair that I quite honestly don't think either of us could control.


One day after I had already found out he was married, I told him how badly I was craving to have a piece of chocolate, so a few moments later he came back to me with a piece of chocolate, when he handed it to me, I very casually asked him if these were the same chocolates he gave his wife and then proceeded to say in a very sarcastic tone, that not wearing a wedding band was very deceitful and It might give a woman the impression that he was single and looking.  I of course was really really pissed off, because by this point I felt that he had sort of lead me on, except he really had not done anything wrong.  All he ever did was talk to me and be nice to me in a very special way, but he had never once disrespected me or asked me out or any of that.  Yet with his eyes he would tell me a million things, it was almost as if words were not required when we looked at one another because our eyes would say it all.  


When I made my comment he did not say a word and walked away, but I knew that he knew that I would eventually find out that he was married, yet he was going to enjoy the attention I was starting to give him.  I obviously was enjoying the little attention he would give me.  After that day however, we began to develop this great friendship, he began to tell me about his marriage and how he wasn't completely happy in it and I would listen and tell him all my horror dating stories.  During this time, I myself was madly in love with a man who was not in love with me, I have written about him in my blog quite often.  It was easy for me to maintain this friendship with this married man who I felt attracted to, because I was in love with someone else and although I was very attracted to this individual, I could not and would not allow myself to let anything happen because I loved who I loved.  Additionally my new found friend was, well, married.


The fact that he was married however, didn't keep us from having this crazy, strong mental love affair.   Yet there was absolutely nothing physical at all going on between us, it was all in the way we looked at one another, I can just imagine how many times he must have made love to his wife thinking about me, yes, I am pretty sure about that.  


The craziest thing that ever happened between us was, that one day I found out he was going away on a trip alone and so I told him that I would meet him their in my thoughts, we both imagined what it would be like to have spent a few days together and for a few moments we just looked at each other and laughed and it almost felt like we had just lived it all of it, us in a hotel room far from home, in a bed doing lord knows what sorts of things, yes, for a few moments we both indulged in those thoughts together.  I am pretty sure that if we both didn't have the strong beliefs and morals that we both had about not doing to others what we would not want to be done to us, we would of probably made the effort to make it happen.  Whenever I would think to myself that what we were both feeling was wrong, I would begin to avoid him at all cost.  

It so happened that a few weeks after we had started our friendship, it was Valentine's day, and I remember him asking me who would be buying me flowers and chocolate, I told him no one, because I was not seeing anyone at the moment.  When I told him this, he said something like wow, not even flowers? and I was like no, no flowers for Jazzy and then with his eyes, he told me that if he could, he would be the one giving those things to me, I knew it, we both did.  


The crazy thing about this story is that we never once had the opportunity to be anywhere really alone, yet we shared the most amazing mental affair that I cannot with words describe, was he still cheating on his wife then by having these desires for me? I don't think so, I actually think I helped him in a time where he wasn't sure of what he wanted in his marriage and because I had been married myself, I sort of understood what he was going through.  Sometimes when we are married and going through a difficult time, we question whether we are truly happy and I think that we always need these mental love affairs to spice up our own love affairs, maybe he would go home and kiss his wife passionately wishing that would be me who knows? either way, I never kissed him, I never hugged him, I don't think I ever even touched his hand. 


So then, I ask myself, did I do something wrong? did he do something wrong? I feel that as long as I didn't touch him or as long as he respected me and we both respected his marriage, we didn't do anything.  Our minds should be free to do what it wants to, when we marry or love someone, we still need something to remind us that we are not morphed into one person, but that we are still two individuals that love one another and that there are times that we need to mentally cheat because that's the only way we can get through a hard time.  At the end of the day however, he still loved her, I was just a fun, mental distraction to take him away from the challenge that he was facing.  I don't know, to me he was a distraction also, to keep me from thinking about this man that I was so in love with I could barely live.  For a few months I had a distraction from the reality that was my life in that moment in time a time when I was hurt and distressed and going through some really difficult challenges.  Were were doing something wrong? I HAVE NO IDEA!


When I started writing this blog I told him that he absolutely HAD to read it, I gave him the URL and a few weeks later went back to him to ask him what he thought, he is an extremely intelligent man who's opinion meant a great deal to me.  He told me that he had read one of my posts and really liked it.  I was really happy with his feedback.  After a while we drifted apart or actually I began to take myself out of that situation because I could not allow myself to continue to think about him or continue to fantasize about something that would never be real, but I have to admit that for that like three months or so while we were having these thoughts and feelings and conversations, I could not help but to think of how lucky that woman was to have such an amazing man.  


He was respectful to me in every way possible, he was my friend.  When I felt alone I would go to him and he would listen, he gave me great advice and I knew that he genuinely cared for me as an individual.  I think about him every now and then and send him hello messages.  But I try to limit how often I do so, I actually don't think about him very often anymore, because well that was just something that was nothing, it was so strange!  A few weeks ago, we bumped into each other and with our eyes we said many things again, what we said was something like, in another lifetime, I would of probably been with you.


I will tell him to read this post, because this one is dedicated to you my wonderful friend.  You are an amazing man and I will tell you once again, what I told you before, that she has no idea of what she has! SOME WOMEN JUST HAVE ALL THE LUCK! 

WHAT A FEEEEEELLLLLLLIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGG :)

I love movies! this is a favorite of mine and this is a great song.  I think of this song every time we talk! YAY!






Jackie Wilson - To Be Loved

Dear Journal: 01-30-12 - Can't give all my secrets away!

Dear Journal:


Sometimes I want to call you diary and then I retype the word and change it to journal, I think I need to look up the difference, hold on I will do it now.....OMG!!!! I can't believe it!!!! I did choose the right term! A diary is like a log of the daily events, a journal is about examining your life like a JOURNEY... I LOVE IT!!! from today on I am extremely happy that I used the right term to describe you my wonderful journal!!! OH Gosh! I do get lost in you sometimes and completely forget that there will be eyes set upon you that aren't my own, but I love you, you are a piece of my journey.


Today I wrote a letter, like an actual letter with a pen on a piece of paper.  I cannot tell you were this letter is headed or two whom it is addressed, all I can say is that I wrote it with great pleasure and I am sure that the recipient of such, will be pleased to receive it.  Oh Journal, there is so much to say, yet I feel like I cannot say much at all, but I can not! all I can say is that when the time is right I will tell you.  It drives me crazy not to be able to, because I feel like I'm keeping this big secret from you, but this is one that I shall keep until it is the right time.


I went to my Abnormal Psychology class today, I am soooooo extremely excited about it! I get to do a case study and actually diagnose a make pretend patient.  OMG! how freaking exciting is that??? I sat right at the front of the room as I always do, not because I want to be the teachers pet, but because I get so excited to be in class learning and continuing on my journey to find out new and wonderful things, enrich my mind with new thoughts and ideas, it's so cool! 


I remember a few years ago when I would ride the trains and see people reading their text books, I would feel a sense of jealousy, I would be one of those people that would look over them and try to read what they were learning.  YES! I was one of those annoying individuals! but I would feel jealous, because for many years I wished so bad I could be them.  I often remember that and think to myself, wow,  now I am one of those people and it makes me feel happy.  Sometimes, I catch people looking at my book with curiosity and I often want to ask them if they know something the subject or if they would like to look on.  It makes me happy to share my little bit of knowledge of whatever the book may be.  One day I was actually just reading one of my regular books that I enjoy reading and I caught someone looking over my shoulder and I began telling the person, I am not sure if it was male or female, that they should totally purchase the book, they wrote the name down.  I shared information and felt happy.


Lately I am just really content with everything.  I wonder why? but I am and I often find myself smiling and feeling joy.  I am even paying more attention to my kids my work just everything in general.  


I also started my Greek Literature class yesterday, it was pretty cool, I have to read a book by the name of The Iliad of Homer, which to my surprise when my oldest son saw that I was reading it, he looked at the name and said, oh I already read that! WTF! How come I didn't know this??? he loves to read and this makes me very happy, he is like a walking history box, just knows all this stuff about history and is just fascinated by it.  I like that, why not? 


Ok, well I have to go to bed, I seriously don't have anything more to write, or actually I do but it's a secret!


Good night Journal.