I will tell you the TRUTH!

I was talking to someone who I met in a different state and thought was really nice.  I was enjoying a rather unconventional conversation with a stranger that was probably slowly becoming a friend or maybe someone that I would enjoy future unconventional conversations with.  No expectations do I ever have, to me, all those that cross my path cross it for a purpose.  


Unconventional conversations with him.  The sort of conversation I don't believe I have ever really had.  Telling the truth about very strange things that people don't usually discuss when they first meet, yet it was ok.  He, that new person so handsome and cool.  Then he lied for no reason at all, and I thought, God the stupid lies that men tell.  I don't ever nor will I ever get it.  Or is it just that there are people that just lie because it makes them feel better? or maybe they just feel the need to, for some strange reason.  


I have lied, but I feel horrible about it after, because for the most part, I tell it how it is no matter how badly my truth will get me in some sort of trouble.  Sometimes it's really hard to answer questions with the truth, but at the end, it's just the way life works, lies always come to light which is why I guess it's best to live by the rule of.....truth shall set you free.

After being annoyed about the situation and just letting it go.  I  figured I would go on here and express this one TRUTH that I cannot communicate to you because you no longer want to talk to me.  I never get that either, the whole I don't want to talk to you thing.  I don't understand why people cut people out like they are just some thing, like a piece of wood that has no feeling.  However, I do try understand it and accept it and leave it as it shall be.  And although, I don't know if this post will ever be read by your eyes.   For some strange reason, somehow, by me putting my thoughts forth on my blog, it just makes me feel better.  I am expressing to the world what I am feeling.  I am telling you the truth.  And should your eyes see this, you will know, I thought of you.  I think of you, this is the truth.

The other truth is, that for the last few days, you had slowly been disappearing from my thoughts.  The thoughts you have been invading since the first time you made me feel special.  The text message that you sent me that began a new experience for the both of us.  In moving forward and trying to accept things as I should when I know that things are not right or that it's not the right time, or that I cannot control what other people want or need.  


There I was having this conversation with someone, and all of a sudden, I thought about the Vivaldi Brother's and I pouted and felt real sad.  How much can I miss you? the way we laughed and joked and felt bad for those two brothers who wanted to explore the world the same way you and I want to.  Emotional Jazzy, that should of been the name of my blog.


Poor Vivaldi Brother's I really love their story.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vandino_and_Ugolino_Vivaldi

Mario Ochoa - Big Spender (Original Mix)

You feel that??? ME TOO!

La Passion - Gigi D'Agostino

The SOUL!

THIS POSTER CAN MAKE YOU HAPPIER THAN ANY OTHER ON THE SUBWAY!

PHILOSOPHY WORKS!

January 17, 2011 I embarked on a mission to find closure, to close an episode of my life that had become bigger than me, something that had consumed me for too long.   I was ready to move on with my life.  For some strange reason, I felt like something had changed inside of me.  In actuality, this change had began to take place in late August when in one of my classes I had met someone incredibly wonderful.  This person who sort of changed the way I had been seeing things for a really long time and also helped me realize that for too long, I had wasted too much energy on something that was out of my control.  Or maybe, meeting this person made me realize that there are so many other wonderful human beings out there and that I just had to look beyond what I was looking and look at the bigger picture.  Regardless of what or why all these events took place around the same time is beyond me, but I knew that I was ready to look forward and let go of the past.  I wanted to find spiritual happiness to find balance and peace within. 

I had seen the poster in every train I took in NYC, and the first time I ever saw it all I cared about was the fact that the topic was PHILOSOPHY! Even writing that out makes me all excited! Because philosophy is simply THAT AWESOME! I enjoy Philosophy, because it applies to all things and everyone.  In addition, throughout history including to date, all the great leaders of our time have had philosophical thinkers as their guides.  These individuals with great minds assist leaders in every day decisions that affect the rest of us.   Philosophy is no religion, it is not some crazy belief.  Philosophy is simply, the way things are in their simplest form.  I like simple or at least, I try to find simplicity in all things, as to me simple is just better.  The whole time I saw these advertisements on the trains I felt extremely drawn to them, but I had never looked into it because all I could think of was that it was probably an expensive course and not only would I probably not have the money, but I didn't have enough time.  In fine print it said $90 as the price, but because Philosophy is so awesome, I kept thinking that maybe that was a trick to lead you to call and then once they got you there all kinds of other fees would start to get added to the price.  Needles to say, I just never really looked into it further.

Then one day, when I was stalking the man that I love’s Facebook page (yes I always looked at his page and don’t act like you don’t do it either! not stalk the man that I love’s page obviously, but the man/woman you loves page) I would always look at it, because I missed him and wanted to know how he was doing.  One day as I was reading through his status updates, he announced to the world (his page is public as is mine) that he would be attending the School of Practical Philosophy and that is all I needed to see! OMG! Philosophy and the man I love in one same room!!! could this type of emotion and excitement be even remotely possible???

After debating for the first day and telling myself that this was crazy and that I wasn't going to go, the next day after waking up with a clear head that I should NOT go.  I walk into the train and the first thing I see as I enter the train, is "the sign" literally the sign (advertisement) for the class.  At that point, it was clear to me that it was time for me to face my fear, him! I say this, because I have written about him before many times.  He was a friend for a long time who I fell in love with and later we stopped talking if you have been following my blog then you would know who I am referring to, if not, then you can read this post http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/02/fuck-him.html and get familiarized with the story.  I signed up for the class in that day as soon as I had a chance, that was in late October and for the three months that followed, I began to prepare mentally and emotionally for that day to come.  I would be seeing him for the first time in 18 months, on January, 17 2011.  The funny thing was, that on that same exact day 10 Years earlier, I had gotten married to the man I loved at that time.  It was very weird that on this date exactly, I would be seeing the person that had actually helped me through a very difficult time in my life.  He had been my friend and known all the things that I was experiencing at the very end of my marriage.  He had been my best friend from the middle of my pregnancy with my last child.  And had witnessed as I went through what I now believe to have been post partum depression.

January, 17 ^th arrived all too soon.  The day finally had come, and I was overwhelmed with fear and excitement.  I got off of the train on 77 street, talking to myself telling myself to breath and that everything would be alright and all of a sudden  as I was walking towards the address I looked up from my deep thoughts and our eyes met (him the person I was looking to face).  Yes, I am not making this up! I swear it! It turns out that we were both on the street looking for the building and as I was walking and looked up, there he was also walking and he looked up as well, it was like those scenes in the movie where the two people that have not seen each other in years are walking down the street and they are caught in their thoughts but all of a sudden they both look up and there that person is, right in front of them.  I know that this seems like I am making it up, but it was really that way, it was surreal.  My heart dropped and my stomach felt sick.  When he saw me he kept walking, I’m sure that he saw me but I think he was stunned also.   After my initial panic wore down, I looked back to make sure I wasn’t seeing things and I told myself go after him.  I went after him tapped him on the shoulder and greeted him.  I believe that he was pleasantly surprised to see me and I began walking with my friend towards the school.  It was so strange the way we bumped into each other, because we were really really far from the school, he was actually going the wrong way.  So it was pure coincidence how we met on that street.   What were the odds that we would be walking on the same side walk at that same time and about a half hour before the class was scheduled to start?  Regardless, I had let him know in advance that I would be attending the class and he had also looked at the participant list and saw my name, so it wasn’t a complete surprise to us, yet it was still a very strange feeling of relief, to see my friend again.

I wrote this post about two months ago, but just had not published it.  I am now editing it but below is what I wrote about how I was feeling at that time…………………………………………………………………………………..

I will just write exactly what I am feeling in this very moment (this is me saying this 2 months ago) as I write this.  After the first class him and I talked and I didn't feel right about it, I love the class however it was amazing! After that first class, I decided not to go back on the same days as he (you have an option as to when to attend) because I wanted to avoid him as I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by being around them (not that he seemed uncomfortable).  After that, I went to 3 other classes with him, because I really enjoyed the group and I had had the opportunity on the very first class, to meet some really interesting wonderful people.  When I went there, I felt a sense of peace even when I was in the same room with him.  We felt comfortable because we both knew who we were and we both knew that it was ok.  Still, I didn’t want to go every week so I purposely took a class in my college on the same days I knew he would attend the philosophy workshop, as to force myself to stay away. 

The week before the philosophy classes ended, I decided that I would go again so that I could say my goodbye to the man I love.  I felt good about it.  I went and the teacher asked the group, if we had gotten out of the class, what we had expected.  In that moment, I was going to share with the class that I had come to the philosophy workshop for two loves, my love of philosophy and my love for one man, but then I decided that that was too personal and that although no one in the class would of known it was him, it was better to keep it between us.   I also realized in that moment that I had learned a tremendous amount of things by attending these classes/workshops.  One was, that sometimes in life, it is better to just keep it things to yourself and that no words are required.

After class, we all left as a group as we usually would.  While we were standing in the train station I told him I had came to these classes for two reasons one was he the other was the subject matter, he knew I was been honest with him as I always have been.  I also told him that I was torn, because I would not be attending the next semester of the series as I had to study more for my college courses because my grades were falling due to my lack of time.   

We got on the train and quickly it was time for him to get off the train, when he walked out of the train and said goodbye, once he had completely walked out and the doors closed, I broke down.  I knew that this episode of my life had finally come to an end, or rather, I had learned in the last 10 weeks of these philosophy courses, the fundamental understanding of how to live my life in a peaceful happy way, regardless of who had decided not to partake in it anymore.  As I cried one of the people from our class was still on the train with me, he was shocked and didn't know what to do, I briefly explained why my tears.  He listened and told me it would be alright.  His train stop came so fast we couldn't talk anymore, but as he was walking out he said something very sweet and kind to me.  He said Jazzy, you are an amazing person!  I know for a fact that you will meet someone that will love you back.  I believe he was being genuine and sincere.  He is also an amazing person and a new friend.

So, why does philosophy work? I got out of this wonderful experience two very important things.  One, I learned that I can only control myself, that what I feel is what I feel and that only I can change that by genuinely trying.   I learned that although I still feel like I lost my best friend, I know that I gained a few new ones,  just some really amazing people who were also there at those sessions at the School of Practical Philosophy sharing their own experiences and learning from each other.  I met some very kind genuine people all seeking the same thing, wisdom!  Everyone there including my love where attending because they are looking to become better human beings.  It is difficult for me to fully describe my learning experience in detail.   I don't think that my writing is even good enough for me to express these feelings inside of me.  However, if anyone at all asked me if it is worth for them to attend these sessions, I without a doubt would tell them that they were wasting time by NOT attending.

I was actually able to go back to the classes because I had to drop one of my college courses.  I am still attending the classes.  I am really happy to share, that I am still loving these classes.  I truly believe with all of my heart that Philosophy does work, I am seeing life in a very different way and am learning great things about myself and others.  Every single time I attend, I learn something new.

If you are interested in knowing more, please read the link below, it’s a NY Times article on the school.  What can I say other then…………I’M REALLY HAPPY!

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/17/nyregion/17critic.html 

MENTAL PREDICTIONS......

Yesterday, I thought of you and said to myself…..  I bet he will have something to say about the whole death of that man who’s name I prefer not to put on my blog.  And so as I predicted you had an opinion. 

I had the fortunate opportunity to get to know you in such a short time, so well in fact, that I could almost predict your next move and I bet you could probably predict mine.  I am guessing this is why I love you the way I do, this is why I miss you the way I do.  Some connections are stronger than others, they come at you when you least expect them, but when you need them most.  I needed you, you helped me.

I miss you more today than I did yesterday, I thought of you today more than yesterday.  In moving on, I am so happy that I had the opportunity to get to know you,  to get to laugh with you, to discuss with you, but most of all to kiss you.

Katy Perry - E.T. ft. Kanye West

Kiss Me....

Everything But The GIRL - I miss You Like The Desert Miss The Rain (HD)

Y wood I miss U? since U SUK. 

John Waite- I Ain't Missing You (with lyrics!)

Y wood I miss U?

Dear Man....SIZE DOES MATTER!

Yes, this is a real straight up talk blog post! Because I just woke up feeling bold and like I need to break some hearts this Saturday morning.  


After this post, I will probably NEVER have sex again.  Why? because if you meet me and you read this blog post and you have low self esteem you will probably think I'm going to judge your "size" and there fore, you will be afraid to approach me to have some sort of "relationship" with me that will ultimately end up sexual in nature.  But, fear not, lucky for you if you have any interest in me at all and I have told you about my blog and you read it because you might be curious about me, I want to make it clear that, I don't judge people or at least try my hardest to catch myself and make sure I don't do so.  I do this, because I have been judged all of my life and I try to live my life with the basic rule of.... Don't do to others what I would not like to be done to me period.  So, for me personally I will never judge a man by his "size" as sex is not the most important thing to me or most women in the world.


I wanted to write this post, more so as to maybe ease men out there, who have this terrible thing that lingers on their mind about their MANHOOD or to please my friend who doesn't like the word manhood PENIS or private part as I used to tell my boys when they were younger.


When I first started having sex, I never even thought about a man's "size" but as I have gotten older and a tad bit wiser and as I have had more then one partner, I have observed the same types of behaviors in many men.  I am no therapist, but if most of my life, I have noticed one thing and that is, that men that are content with their penis size because they think they are "big" and for the most part, have this attitude of....... I can just lay there and you can do all the work cause, I'M LARGE! well, do I have news for you, SIZE DOES MATTER! ALL INCLUSIVE BIG!


Why can I sit here and write about this you ask? I can do so, because I am a woman who talks to many other women and men, about this very topic.  For some reason, people are very comfortable having such conversations with me, maybe it's because to me, sex is a natural part of being a human being we all have urges, including my young children all inclusive my youngest daughter.  I have read up on this topic because it is of great interest to me and actually, when I was 18 years old and working at a bookstore, I was responsible for making sure all the books in the sex section (although they called it something else can't remember) I was responsible for maintaining and knowing titles.  So as the good employee that I was, I used to make sure that I would read the books so that I could better guide my customers.  What can I say, I'm a good hard working employee.  What I found out was that sex is a natural part of life, we all get these feelings and it is OK! if you don't, then clearly something is not right. It's so natural in fact, that even very young children have these sexual feelings as well.  


Now, back to the nitty gritty why I say size DOES matter.  Just like men constantly talk about women among each other, women talk about men among themselves, duh! and we say things like, so....was it big? yes guys, we do say that, maybe not the very young girls (they think it only) but women, the mature woman that know's that it's ok that they have sexual desires they do say things like that.   When I hear that, it is obvious to me that to the majority of the woman out there in the world, this little fact DOES matters, but fear not guys I am beginning to believe or rather, I am convinced, that we just say that to say it.  Yes, just like men say... does she have big boobs? big butt??? do you stop talking to or sleeping with a girl because she doesn't have big boobs??? do you stop sleeping with a woman because she doesn't have a nice butt like the one you always wanted??? EXACTLY! I think that asking another woman was it big? is a response that automatically comes out of our mouths when we discuss a sexual experience among each other.


So why am I saying it matters? I'm saying it matters to the specific situation.   For instance, when you are seeing someone and you have sex with them for the first time and they are not huge, at that point it really doesn't matter, because we already like you, we are already spending time with you and having sex with you at that point is just an added bonus to the fact that now we are an "item" what ever "item" we may have decided to be with you at the point of having sex aka "friends" "friends with benefits" boyfriend girlfriend" "lovers" "in love" whatever, at this point what really matters is how well you kiss us, how well you touch us and how much foreplay there is before the fact! that is really all it is, yes I am dead serious! of course if you are tiny then I don't know what to tell you and if you are too huge then I don't know what to tell you either.  Too small meaning way below average or too large way below average is not good because well if you are too tiny which is highly un likely, then we won't feel anything (but even then there are alternatives) and if you are too large (it's probably more painful then pleasurable) and even then there are alternatives.  


When we have sex with a man, after the fact, trust me when I say that I have heard woman saying things like, it wasn't that big but it was really good because he did xy and z.  I have also heard, it wasn't that big but he is so nice I really like him so I don't really care.  Woman are more concerned with the emotional aspect of the situation, more so then the actual size.  I am sure that there are women out there who size is the only thing that matters to them (I haven't met one yet) but I'm sure there may be some, but I am not talking about those extreme ladies, I am talking about the average woman.  


Also, I have told many of my male friends this.  Don't think because a man is huge that he is any better then you, trust me on this one, men that are too big and think they don't have to do a thing in bed to please us, well guess what? I have news for you.  In talking to various women about this, most often, woman have said to me that these are the men that are usually lousy lovers.  Therefore, leaving you average guys out there with the advantage of showing what you have in the bed, by making sure you take care of your lady via other means aka emotionally and well..... educate yourself about what women enjoy sexually! HELLO!!! there are books about this! Also, it takes two to tango the responsibility of pleasurable sex regardless of size, should not only be placed on the man.  In addition, the longer you are having sex with your partner, the bigger it begins to appear to us.  I won't get into that on this post, but hey, there are other blogs out there about different things men and women can do to please each other physically and how men and women are made to fit each other almost like a puzzle.


In conclusion, ladies, PLEASE I BEG YOU! no matter how small you may think a man is PLEEEEAAAASEEEE don't ever tell a man something so horrible! whole marriages have been ruined by things like that! IT IS A HORRIBLE THING TO DO! DON'T DO IT! We should never go around looking at people's flaws like that, we are all beautiful.  Woman who say that to a man, have low self esteem themselves.  Just because it's small to your opinion, doesn't mean it's small to my opinion and if I meet him after you and you already scarred him, he will probably have mad issues that I don't care to deal with.  I'm serious, don't judge a man by his penis size, big men kind of suck in bed.  And all you handsome men out there who have low self esteem about your size DON'T because that is what ultimately will show, the fact that you have low self esteem, not the fact that you may not be "blessed" with a large useless penis.  Size does matter, but only to the shallow women that are running around sleeping around with everyone.  Why would you want to be with a woman like that?


As a side note, Dr. John Gray talks about how mens' self esteem is so important and how it effects the way they perform in the bed room (regardless of size).  This is an excellent book.

"Gifts and Curses" by Yellowcard

THAT B*TCH WANTS MY BABY!

The other day, I was about to log into my Facebook account on my computer at home, and when I opened the site, my oldest son's page was up.  Now when it comes to my childrens privacy, I have very mixed feelings about it, my children are people too, and I want to show them that by me not going through their stuff or reading their personal messages etc., I am giving them my trust and respecting the privacy they deserve as individuals.  By me respecting them as individual people, I am telling them that we have a great relationship, that I trust them and that we can talk about anything.  I talk to my kids about everything (including sex) I try my best to treat them as individual people and not just someone that is beneath me because they are my children.

So here I am staring at the opened Facebook page and I see that he has an email message from a woman.  When I see it, something tells me to look at it (something aka my nosiness) I thought for a second that maybe I should log off, but then I thought, that he is a teenager and as  teenagers we sometimes do things because we think we know it all or at least when I was 16 I thought I knew everything, so without further hesitation yet feeling guilt, I opened it! 


Jazzy you snooped through your baby's emails??? YES I DID! I felt bad that I was doing so, but I also felt that as a parent, I have the obligation to see who my teenager is talking to and what about on the Internet.  What really made me want to read it was the fact that the picture of the woman my son was exchanging messages with, was clearly of an older woman, who in her profile picture looked less then decent.  Yes, I know I shouldn't judge, I've taken look at me I'm sexy pictures, who hasn't? as women we all want to look good and feel sexy and there is nothing wrong with it.  But when I see a picture like that of an unknown older woman that is emailing back and forth with my baby boy, then I need to know what this older woman wants from him.

I began to read one of their emails, and found out that she was from another country, she was telling him that he should marry her and how he was so HOT etc.  how she loved him and how she was going to make him so happy xyz.  I could not believe my eyes! I was so upset because  as soon as I read this, I knew right away what this B*tches intentions were with MY BABY!  She was looking at my child, as a ticket to the US.  How dare she!

What to do? I have spoken to my son about him and older woman before.  He once told me how he liked a girl that was way older then him and I told him, that although my preference would be for him to stay with girls closer to his age, I didn't really have a problem with him dating someone older.  Who am I to judge an older woman for liking my very handsome son who looks older then he really is?  In addition, I have myself been with younger men or actually I have been with nothing but younger men so how can I sit there and tell him it's not ok?  However, when you are looking at my baby, as a ticket to come to the US, when your intentions are to use him well.....Jazzy is NOT having it!

So now what do I do??? I have NO idea! But I think the first thing I need to do is address it and be honest and tell him I snooped because I love him and just wanted to make sure he isn't involved in anything that isn't proper.  To my snooping defense, he had tons of other emails that he was writing back and forth with other girls his age, and those emails I did not look at.  Hey, I'm not THAT NOSY!

Being a parent is really tough, there is always a challenge, there is no manual, there is no right or wrong, there is always decisions to be made, it is just really really difficult at times and half the time I have no idea what the he'll I'm doing.  But I think however, that as long as I treat my children as intelligent people rather then little people beneath me, and I communicate with them effectively and I accept that they are individuals with their own ideas and their own thoughts, then at least I'm trying my best.  I need to always remember that, kids are people too.