Dear Journal -
Sometimes I think.... I don't really want to write everything everything everything that goes on in my mind, but then I think, I need to write it all! Someone ones told me that sometimes the way I wrote left her wondering exactly what it was that I was talking about, it was almost as if I was writing a subliminal message, almost if I am writing a "secret" message for the person who it is intended for, to be the only to understand it. Anyone else, would have to try to decipher through it to know what I am talking about. I told her that there were times that I wrote this way on purpose, because deep down I didn't want anyone else but that person to know, because if I wrote it so obvious that everyone could see it, then how would this be a personal thing to us, or to the person that I was sending the secret message to and that if she couldn't understand sometimes my entries, then I was doing a good job at trying to hide the truth and that made me feel happy.
He used to send me subliminal messages, I know that he did.... remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html Benjamin. AW! did you think I had forgotten my old friend? never that. No I don't sit around and cry about him anymore or miss him the way I once did, but sure I remember him with warm loving thoughts, never hate, never anger, never that. This message isn't for him though, this message is actually for someone that I keep deep in my heart, very close to it, so close it sometimes hurts a whole lot. I am not really sure if he ever visits this journal, nor do I know if he will ever read this entry, but if he did, then this is what he would find out.....
The last time we spoke with actual words and sounds it was on the day he celebrated his birth. After that things felt strange and we stopped speaking yet again. Today I went on his little piece of the world wide web and I stared at a picture of him, and my eyes got watery and I felt really sad. What is it about him that makes me feel this way? that is what I thought. Why is it you that makes me sad? and I stared and wondered why is it that he used to bad mouth the same space on the world wide web he now frequents? or is it that it is me he did not want to have a connection on there with? and if so, why would it ever even matter? for so long I was pushed away to the point that now I am shut down, buried deep in a sadness that I will not allow myself to feel and not even he would make me happy even, because I gave up on him. But I do not think I ever even tried, all I wanted was to know him, to partake in some way in his life, to be the friend that once upon a time we had been, to share ideas and words and laughter. What is it about me that he can't handle? or is it I the one with the problem and I don't want to accept it? So I continued to stare at the picture and only sad thoughts filled my head. But I wanted to keep looking, because seeing that made me feel sad and a little better all at once, to know that for a moment on the same day he was there too in that same piece of the artificially created world and that meant that he was alive, somewhere in this real world, the one we all walk around in.
I am starting a new chapter of this thing called my life really soon, and everything from the past there I will leave it.
Don't come near me
By: Jazzy
Don't come near me I will kill you with my anger, don't come near me I will kill you with my pain, don't come near me I will stab you with my dirty looks, don't come near me I will take you back again.......
Sometimes I think.... I don't really want to write everything everything everything that goes on in my mind, but then I think, I need to write it all! Someone ones told me that sometimes the way I wrote left her wondering exactly what it was that I was talking about, it was almost as if I was writing a subliminal message, almost if I am writing a "secret" message for the person who it is intended for, to be the only to understand it. Anyone else, would have to try to decipher through it to know what I am talking about. I told her that there were times that I wrote this way on purpose, because deep down I didn't want anyone else but that person to know, because if I wrote it so obvious that everyone could see it, then how would this be a personal thing to us, or to the person that I was sending the secret message to and that if she couldn't understand sometimes my entries, then I was doing a good job at trying to hide the truth and that made me feel happy.
He used to send me subliminal messages, I know that he did.... remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html Benjamin. AW! did you think I had forgotten my old friend? never that. No I don't sit around and cry about him anymore or miss him the way I once did, but sure I remember him with warm loving thoughts, never hate, never anger, never that. This message isn't for him though, this message is actually for someone that I keep deep in my heart, very close to it, so close it sometimes hurts a whole lot. I am not really sure if he ever visits this journal, nor do I know if he will ever read this entry, but if he did, then this is what he would find out.....
The last time we spoke with actual words and sounds it was on the day he celebrated his birth. After that things felt strange and we stopped speaking yet again. Today I went on his little piece of the world wide web and I stared at a picture of him, and my eyes got watery and I felt really sad. What is it about him that makes me feel this way? that is what I thought. Why is it you that makes me sad? and I stared and wondered why is it that he used to bad mouth the same space on the world wide web he now frequents? or is it that it is me he did not want to have a connection on there with? and if so, why would it ever even matter? for so long I was pushed away to the point that now I am shut down, buried deep in a sadness that I will not allow myself to feel and not even he would make me happy even, because I gave up on him. But I do not think I ever even tried, all I wanted was to know him, to partake in some way in his life, to be the friend that once upon a time we had been, to share ideas and words and laughter. What is it about me that he can't handle? or is it I the one with the problem and I don't want to accept it? So I continued to stare at the picture and only sad thoughts filled my head. But I wanted to keep looking, because seeing that made me feel sad and a little better all at once, to know that for a moment on the same day he was there too in that same piece of the artificially created world and that meant that he was alive, somewhere in this real world, the one we all walk around in.
I am starting a new chapter of this thing called my life really soon, and everything from the past there I will leave it.
Don't come near me
By: Jazzy
Don't come near me I will kill you with my anger, don't come near me I will kill you with my pain, don't come near me I will stab you with my dirty looks, don't come near me I will take you back again.......
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