I can't handle you!!! you're too crazy!!!!!!!!!

"I want you to know that I will forget you after this moment and never think of you again" ~ Danielle, Ever After

Dear Journal -

It isn't often that I like someone in a romantic way, so whenever the rare case does happen, I think I get a bit stuck on it, and it takes me a bit longer than usual to get over it.  Maybe though, I am indeed normal and unlike most people that pretend they are over something by moving on to the next person and using that person to forget the person they are trying to get over, I instead embrace what I feel and deal with it, in order not to drag someone into a situation, where they might develop feelings for me yet to me they are just a rebound.  While I did that in the past, I find that growing as a person and as and individual, has taught me that being honest to myself is the best policy.  Yes it is true that I sometimes have feelings for two people simultaneously, and psychologically wise I did find out that it is possible to love two people at the same time, and while I didn't love two people at the same time, I did have romantic feelings for them both yet no one was saying what I wanted to hear, and maybe my honesty was my true enemy, in that by me telling the truth, I unintentionally pushed people away.

So I sat across from him the last time we spoke and he was having a slice of pizza, and although bringing myself back to that moment breaks my heart and tears are now rolling down my cheek, it is important for me to write about that day in order to move on for good.  Yes I am human and things hurt me often, and I walk around being strong because I have no choice but too, but that doesn't mean that it isn't hard.  So we sat there and he told me that he was sure I would find someone new to inspire me, and while I believe his statement to be true, I cannot deny that it isn't that easy for me to find it, and it isn't because I don't have opportunities sometimes, it's more because I am not open to it and I am not anxious for it and I have gotten used to this lonely life, yet not really lonely because I am always surrounded by so many wonderful friends who fulfill me in so many ways.  So he says that to me and I explain to him that you have to be open to it, and that now I think I am.

Before that conversation started however walking to the pizzeria, he expresses to me that he does not want me to write about him anymore, "why can't you write about other things" he says.  So I try explain that no one knows it's him and then he continues by giving me a name to call him in my next post about him, which clearly contradicts what he is telling me he wishes me to do.  Am I to think that he was conflicted about who I was to him, as much as I was about who he was to me? I can only hope that if nothing else, I was someone kind, genuine and sincere with my thoughts and feelings for him and that anything that I ever said whether or not he found it upsetting, I only said it with a caring heart, never to hurt, or upset, or revenge whatever I couldn't get from him.

But it isn't that exact moment which brings me to write today this post, it isn't that at all.  It is the last few exchanged words that stayed on my mind for the last 5 months, the last few words that he said to me, that really keep me wondering, what exactly about me was so scary? after a tight hug, he looked at me and told me that I had potential, that he saw it, but that I was "too crazy" and he "couldn't handle me" upon hearing those words, I was speechless, imagine someone telling you, that you are great, sort of, but that you are something to "be handled" and that handling you is difficult at best.  As quick as I usually am, sometimes it takes a while for things to really dawn on me (5 months to be exact) and after thinking about it not everyday, but often enough, I couldn't help but to come up with a conclusion of my own interpretation of what that meant.  And while to him it might of just been some words and after that day he has never thought about me again, to me those few words hurt me deeply.

What am I? am I just a thing to be handled? was I just a situation? just a person who is "crazy?" but is crazy not just a term people use to describe that which they do not understand? is it not a term to describe difference? because sometimes some people are not what you think they are supposed to be? and you can't find a category in which you can place them? so many things that you can't quite grasp them? and why is it that because someone is different, does someone feel they need to "handle them." What ever happened to giving someone the opportunity to just be? what about giving yourself the opportunity to think outside the box, to give yourself a chance to explore something different and new.  And what happened to people being honest and saying maybe what they really think? he could of said so many other things like,  You are too old for me (6 years to be exact) you are to different for me, you are not what I am looking for, I want children and marriage and you don't, you're too fat/skinny, you aren't smart enough, you like things that I don't and it would never work, I have things that I have to deal with because I am not well, I realized that I am in love with someone else.  I don't know, there are so many things you can tell someone you led to believe that they were a friend, someone who treated you neighborly, someone who was always honest.  So many things that sound better than... "I can't handle you, you are too crazy for me." 

The worst part about this whole thing is that I have been told that by others in the past, my whole marriage I had to hear how I was too crazy and he couldn't "handle me" so it leads me to believe that maybe I am the problem, maybe I should allow men to "handle me" because it will make them feel more comfortable, maybe I should mold myself into this ideal of what a woman "should be" and suppress who I truly am because then maybe people will be happier and feel like they have some control.  I have felt like I couldn't handle someone in the past and when I realized that I couldn't handle them, I realized that what that meant is that I didn't want to deal with who they were and that I had a choice of dealing with it or not and then I decided to deal with it but it was too late.  

So maybe by writing this post I just revealed to myself what he really meant and what he meant was that he didn't want to deal with me because I wasn't worth it and that is why after that last day we saw each other and gave each other a goodbye hug, he never again acknowledged my existence.  Which leads me to believe that the one with the problem is not me, it's him.  Yes I said very many things, but I said them trying to be helpful, and maybe sometimes people don't like to be told about themselves because it's scary, because we don't want to accept what we fail to see about ourselves.  I never once in what I said ever ever said anything to i intentionally make him feel bad about himself, nor did I do it to hurt his feelings.  If I ever said things it was because I truly cared for him, more so than what I thought that I did, more than I wanted to accept, more than I could almost handle.  But if he would of given me a chance to be truly his friend and to truly exchange ideas about what we saw in each other as people, even he couldn't deny that we had potential, potential to have something wonderful, something real and awesome.  It doesn't matter anymore, I have moved on with my life and am not sitting around waiting for anything or anyone, so after this post, I will finally leave it all behind me because a new year will be here soon and great things are coming my way.  I also want to continue to try to be respectful of that which he asked of me without probably meaning it, and that was, for me to never write about him again......

As you wished.....

This post is related to... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html

I leave you with... New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uEBuqkkQRk