No more kissing frogs.........

Dear Journal –

I am starting to think that it isn’t kissing that I love, It’s kissing someone I really like or love that I really love.  I hung out with my kissing buddy again last week remember that? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2013/12/kissing-marathon.html and I don’t like him.  I mean he is handsome and really nice, but I didn’t really enjoy kissing him this time, actually, I was a little grossed out.  That man wanted to devour me it seemed like! and I quite honestly don’t want to be devoured by someone I don’t really like, I’m only pushing myself to like him because I don’t want to be back in that place I was a few years ago where I loved someone sooooo desperately, that no one else would do and I would force myself to like people just so that I could feel normal.  I am not going to see my kissing buddy again, I don’t want to, I won’t force myself to feel that which I don’t.  Kissing was all we did, it felt like a HS kissing marathon and I don't really enjoy those unless I really like someone, or at least that's what I think.  I feel bad, I think I was a little rude to him when I was saying good night, or maybe a bit to honest.  I always get myself in trouble because of my honesty, but someone has to be.

Journal, I miss him so much, I really really do! And I am not referring to the kissing buddy, I am referring to someone else.  I get so upset to think that I miss someone who is always fighting with me for no good reason.  How can someone be upset because you care about them, or because you show them they are special to you, even when you aren’t asking for anything in return? I just don’t get it, how scary is it to some to be happy, to be appreciated by someone.  I feel so bad for him that he doesn’t know how to appreciate someone who only wants the best for him.  I won’t reach out to him again though, no matter how badly it makes me sad that we don’t talk.   

Eventually, I will forget him almost the way I forget my Benjamin… remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html I did say almost, because he has this little tiny piece of me that no one would ever know how to get to, it would be like an adventure to explore, trying to get to that piece of my heart that he still has a hold on, it saddens me that till this day, we can’t sit and have some tea and talk about movies.  How I miss my old friend!

Journal, I am feeling a bit sad today.  But this too shall pass!