Dear Journal -
I know that I have been totally and completely neglecting you, but it isn't really my fault. My life is so totally busy that I barely have time for myself, there has been one event after another and I'm just exhausted at this point. I have been meaning to write to you since I visited New York about a month ago. That was the first time since I moved to Colorado, that I had been back and I have to tell you that I was not exactly happy to be there. The whole time I was there I was running around doing something that wasn't fun, like taking boxes to my storage unit preparing it so the remainder of my possessions could be brought to me. Can I just say journal that I absolutely love Colorado and that I have never felt so totally and completely satisfied where I live! I mean how can I not be happy with all the blessings that have come my way since I have been here. Every single day I think of AJ remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and miss him so much it hurts, like literally one day I was missing him so much I felt physical pain, I did honestly, I felt pain in my bones and I cried and cried until I felt better (this was about a month and a half ago) I miss him mostly because if it had not been for him, I wouldn't have known about this amazing city I now call home and not being able to share all this joy with him really saddens me, but I know that it is best that I stay away from him as he brings more sadness than joy to my life, I mean he just doesn't know how to be my friend and truth be told I don't know how to be his friend either, because it is difficult when there are so many feelings involved and even when I try just to be a platonic no strings attached friend, he always thinks that I am trying to get something from him that he doesn't want to give me and then it just gets crazy. So, as much as I miss him with all of my heart and soul and being, I have to be strong and let him be.
Speaking of letting people be, there is also someone else that I had an encounter with when I was in New York that I quite honestly was not expecting, and it is partly or well it is completely my fault actually, because I went looking for him, and maybe that was a bad idea. This encounter was with my old neighbor, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html well, the last time I saw him was a year ago when I helped him move some of the stuff from his apartment and clean it out when he was moving. That night we said goodbye and in my mind I thought that I would probably talk to him randomly here and there, since he had moved and I was moving to another state. I thought that we would be like those people that talk once in a blue moon to catch up. To my surprise, he stopped completely talking to me, and although I still don't completely understand why, I think now I finally know. Actually, maybe I still don't, but at this point it no longer matters.
During my time in New York, there was only one person I really wanted to see and talk to, and that person was him. I know that he Dj's at this lounge in NYC so I decided even before I left to NY that I would go by and see him and say hello and catch up. WELL! I get there and I'm supposed to meet a friend (who never ends up showing up) so I bet he (the ex neighbor) probably thought I was lying. But anyway I get to the bar and I have to admit I was a bit nervous, but very excited that I was going to get to see my old friend that had stopped talking to me for who knows why, and I go in and there he is looking as handsome as always! in that moment I knew that I would always and forever be completely attracted to that man, and that he is probably one of the only men since I have been single, that I could have seen my whole future with, he and I although so controversial, we had so much in common, so much. And yes we probably wouldn't have had a perfect relationship, but if he would of given me half an opportunity, I am certain that he would have not regretted the experience. Instead our whole friendship was controversial and crazy and to a certain extent mean and cruel!
He greeted me respectfully as he always has been and asked me if I had just got into town, and I told him that I had and that I had to see him because I have missed him and why wasn't he talking to me? and of course he avoided that question but what happened next is what really took me by surprise! he began to apologize to me for everything that he ever did to mislead me or to make me think I don't know what and he said he was sorry over and over again and then he played two of the songs I dedicated to him which felt weird to me that he did that, but it also meant a great deal to me because it meant that they made him think. After being there maybe like half an hour feeling really awkward and out of place, I decided to just leave. I told him I was going to go and he apologized again and I told him I was sorry also, for anything that I had ever said to cause him to feel as he said "like a bad person" which just to be clear, I NEVER thought he was a bad person, I honestly don't think I would ever say that about anybody. One thing is writing things about someone that hurt me or that made me feel bad and I am expressing my discontent with the situation and another thing is calling someone a "bad person" but at that point nothing I would say would change the fact that he made up his mind that I was not someone he wanted to have any sort of communication with. So we said goodbye and I walked away feeling really really lousy! and when I walked outside, I WAS THAT GIRL! the one that is walking down the streets of New York City crying not caring that there are people looking at her. I cried for like 5 blocks until I got to my car and then I called my friend and started crying to him telling him what had just happened! I cried in my dads car (he let me borrow it while I was in NY) for what seemed like hours, and when I say I cried, I mean I CRIED! like sobbing! I felt so completely sad! because I thought we were going to see each other and feel really happy and give each other a big hug, maybe have a drink or two, catch up on what's going on in life, I don't know just enjoy the moment, and instead I got apologies and things that I did not want to think or talk about, the past is back there, I'm here now in this moment.
So, this is what I get for trying to be ok with people that probably dislike me because I talk to much, I say or write things that hurt them, I express myself freely not considering other peoples feelings, I am probably the bad person and I am truly sorry!
It is important to note that before I left I said to him that I hope we could talk again sometime, and he said that he did not promise me anything because the damage was done! damage? I wish someone would explain to me what damage he is referring to? since we never had a romantic relationship. I don't understand and at this point it doesn't really matter. I will never forget my friend though and I will always remember him fondly!
Wilferm..... All I wanted that night, was to ROCK WITH YOU!
Good night journal!
I leave you with... Rock with you By: Michael Jackson.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2pU85gwh_U
I know that I have been totally and completely neglecting you, but it isn't really my fault. My life is so totally busy that I barely have time for myself, there has been one event after another and I'm just exhausted at this point. I have been meaning to write to you since I visited New York about a month ago. That was the first time since I moved to Colorado, that I had been back and I have to tell you that I was not exactly happy to be there. The whole time I was there I was running around doing something that wasn't fun, like taking boxes to my storage unit preparing it so the remainder of my possessions could be brought to me. Can I just say journal that I absolutely love Colorado and that I have never felt so totally and completely satisfied where I live! I mean how can I not be happy with all the blessings that have come my way since I have been here. Every single day I think of AJ remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and miss him so much it hurts, like literally one day I was missing him so much I felt physical pain, I did honestly, I felt pain in my bones and I cried and cried until I felt better (this was about a month and a half ago) I miss him mostly because if it had not been for him, I wouldn't have known about this amazing city I now call home and not being able to share all this joy with him really saddens me, but I know that it is best that I stay away from him as he brings more sadness than joy to my life, I mean he just doesn't know how to be my friend and truth be told I don't know how to be his friend either, because it is difficult when there are so many feelings involved and even when I try just to be a platonic no strings attached friend, he always thinks that I am trying to get something from him that he doesn't want to give me and then it just gets crazy. So, as much as I miss him with all of my heart and soul and being, I have to be strong and let him be.
Speaking of letting people be, there is also someone else that I had an encounter with when I was in New York that I quite honestly was not expecting, and it is partly or well it is completely my fault actually, because I went looking for him, and maybe that was a bad idea. This encounter was with my old neighbor, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html well, the last time I saw him was a year ago when I helped him move some of the stuff from his apartment and clean it out when he was moving. That night we said goodbye and in my mind I thought that I would probably talk to him randomly here and there, since he had moved and I was moving to another state. I thought that we would be like those people that talk once in a blue moon to catch up. To my surprise, he stopped completely talking to me, and although I still don't completely understand why, I think now I finally know. Actually, maybe I still don't, but at this point it no longer matters.
During my time in New York, there was only one person I really wanted to see and talk to, and that person was him. I know that he Dj's at this lounge in NYC so I decided even before I left to NY that I would go by and see him and say hello and catch up. WELL! I get there and I'm supposed to meet a friend (who never ends up showing up) so I bet he (the ex neighbor) probably thought I was lying. But anyway I get to the bar and I have to admit I was a bit nervous, but very excited that I was going to get to see my old friend that had stopped talking to me for who knows why, and I go in and there he is looking as handsome as always! in that moment I knew that I would always and forever be completely attracted to that man, and that he is probably one of the only men since I have been single, that I could have seen my whole future with, he and I although so controversial, we had so much in common, so much. And yes we probably wouldn't have had a perfect relationship, but if he would of given me half an opportunity, I am certain that he would have not regretted the experience. Instead our whole friendship was controversial and crazy and to a certain extent mean and cruel!
He greeted me respectfully as he always has been and asked me if I had just got into town, and I told him that I had and that I had to see him because I have missed him and why wasn't he talking to me? and of course he avoided that question but what happened next is what really took me by surprise! he began to apologize to me for everything that he ever did to mislead me or to make me think I don't know what and he said he was sorry over and over again and then he played two of the songs I dedicated to him which felt weird to me that he did that, but it also meant a great deal to me because it meant that they made him think. After being there maybe like half an hour feeling really awkward and out of place, I decided to just leave. I told him I was going to go and he apologized again and I told him I was sorry also, for anything that I had ever said to cause him to feel as he said "like a bad person" which just to be clear, I NEVER thought he was a bad person, I honestly don't think I would ever say that about anybody. One thing is writing things about someone that hurt me or that made me feel bad and I am expressing my discontent with the situation and another thing is calling someone a "bad person" but at that point nothing I would say would change the fact that he made up his mind that I was not someone he wanted to have any sort of communication with. So we said goodbye and I walked away feeling really really lousy! and when I walked outside, I WAS THAT GIRL! the one that is walking down the streets of New York City crying not caring that there are people looking at her. I cried for like 5 blocks until I got to my car and then I called my friend and started crying to him telling him what had just happened! I cried in my dads car (he let me borrow it while I was in NY) for what seemed like hours, and when I say I cried, I mean I CRIED! like sobbing! I felt so completely sad! because I thought we were going to see each other and feel really happy and give each other a big hug, maybe have a drink or two, catch up on what's going on in life, I don't know just enjoy the moment, and instead I got apologies and things that I did not want to think or talk about, the past is back there, I'm here now in this moment.
So, this is what I get for trying to be ok with people that probably dislike me because I talk to much, I say or write things that hurt them, I express myself freely not considering other peoples feelings, I am probably the bad person and I am truly sorry!
It is important to note that before I left I said to him that I hope we could talk again sometime, and he said that he did not promise me anything because the damage was done! damage? I wish someone would explain to me what damage he is referring to? since we never had a romantic relationship. I don't understand and at this point it doesn't really matter. I will never forget my friend though and I will always remember him fondly!
Wilferm..... All I wanted that night, was to ROCK WITH YOU!
Good night journal!
I leave you with... Rock with you By: Michael Jackson.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2pU85gwh_U
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